I think i need to talk about this - finally. read with CAUTION

Kerri - posted on 03/04/2010 ( 2 moms have responded )

This is going to be one long, horrible story, but here goes.
I was born disabled, registered blind, and i was a girl so i was never good enough for my father. He left my mum when i was just a yr old, and she went on to have 2 more children with a different man, and he then left too. My mum met a lovely man who took us all on. He was a real father figure to us all. i even called him dad for a time. Then i got a phone call, out of the blue. i was 8 yrs old. It was my biological father. saying he'd been searching for me for years, and could he come and see me. My mum was scared. i didn't know why, i was too young. Eventually she agreed, bcuz i was complaining all the time, and she couldn't stand to see me unhappy. she said i had to stay where she could see me at all times. that was nothing new, being disabled, i was always in her sight. I met my 'father' and we had a nice lunch. i saw him regularly for a while, and then he asked if he could take me away on holiday. it would only be to pourtsmouth, by the sea. my mum was really worried. i remember hearing a conversation between them. my mum told him that if he ever hurt me she'd kill him. and he told her that he'd changed, that he just wanted to be a good father. A few weeks later, me and my best friend went to stay with my 'father'. we went away to pourtsmouth and had a good time. we came back a week later and everything was fine. i went away with him the next summer, just after i turned nine years old. I was a big girl now, so i didn't need my friend to come this time, besides his girlfriend and her two young daughters were coming along. we went to South hampton this time. to the beach and the fair. IT was my last night there, when he came into my room to say goodnight. His girlfriends' girls where in the next room. what he did then would upset too many people, but it changed me forever. He told me that if i told my mum, she'd stop loving me the way she did, she'd make me go away, she'd say it was my fault, just as he did.

I was very young, and very insecure, having able-bodied siblings, i had alwasys felt a divide between my mum and me. I didn't want her to stop loving me, so i said nothing. By then he had visitation rights so i had to keep seeing him. every weekend. The abuse got physically more demanding as time went on, until i was 13, when i finally fell pregnant from it. i was petrified. now my mum would know, everyone would know. i'd be sent away, as he'd told me four years before. I saw those two little pink lines, and i was physically sick. i told my 'father' the next weekend, when he came to pick me up. he made me take another test, and as i showed it to him, he hit out at me. that was the first time he hit me, and he didn't stop. he was screaming things at me, telling me how dirty i was, how i should have taken care not to let this happen. telling me i'd ruined his life. And as i lay there, on the bed, where he left me, blood pouring out of me, i couldn't stop sobbing. God alone know's how, but i knew the baby was gone. And something finally snapped. i eventually got up, a few hours later, had a shower and called my mum. He heard me on the phone and asked what i was doing. i refused to speak to him. He raised his hand to hit me again, this time in the face. 'go on then, do it.' i said, just staring at him. ' this one you won't be able to hide'. and he backed down. he walked away. he cleaned up the bedroom before my mum came to take me home.

she came in the door and i gave her a hug, fighting back the tears. 'i want to come home mum.' she looked at me and said 'why babygirl? are you ok?' i said 'yeah, i just wanna come home. i miss you' she gave me another hug. 'come on then, the others are in the car.' We went home. and i never saw him again.

I eventually told my mum that i'd been abused by him when i was nearly 17. She was devastated. i found out that he's forced her into a sexual relationship when she wasn't ready for it. that's how she'd come to have me at 16 yrs old. And i was nearly blind, due to minor brain damage, because he'd hit her when she said she was pregnant. She never pressed charges, so he'd never been inside for it. I never told her exactly what happened, and to this day she doesn't know about that child.

I went to the police, but they said it was just my word against his. there was no proof. So it never went to court, and he walked away from the police station, his reputation intact. he's married now. has a new wife, she has 2 little girls of her own. I remember her sending me an email, asking me why i'd done it. why i'd lied. the words i spoke to her are still there in my mind.
'i didn't lie, aileen, i didin't. and you don't have to believe me, that's your choice. Just please, for their sake, make sure you watch him with those little girls. If you can't do it because of what i said, just imagine one or both of your little ones going through even half of what i did. Keep them away from him. Keep them safe. A life like mine isn't worth living, let alone lying about.'

I never heard from her again. And i still worry about those two little girls.

ANyway, i was raped again a few years later, by a guy i'd thought was my friend, but that time i never went to the police. there was no point. they hadn't believed me last time. I never told anyone, except my now husband. I fell pregnant after we'd been together 6 months, and engaged for 4. my pregnancy was horrific. i had severe hypremesis, and spd, and then went into prem labour at 33 wks. I got married on 1st August 09, and my stepdad walked me down the isle. He gave me away, and i'd never been happer. Then 10 minutes after cutting the cake at my wedding reception, i was up at the hospital, giving birth to my beautiful baby boy., who came on 2nd August, at 5:05am, weighing in at 5lbs and 3oz. he was three weeks early, and very underweight. he then got very jaundiced, and had to stay in hospital for 7 days, having radio therapy. i nearly lost him. but he fought back, and he came home, a very happy healthy baby boy. when he was just 2 months old, i fell pregnant again, and miscarried. It wasn't planned. But i was devastated. it brought back all the memories i'd tried for years to bury. My husband was desperate for another child, but i went back on the pill for 3 months, and then when i came off it again, i fell pregannt again. I miscarried last week. I'm crushed. my baby boiy is 7 months old, and i treasure him every day, but i feel so guilty, and i have no idea why. I've asked the doctor to help me find some kind of councilling for all this, but i'm scared. like if talking about it is gna bring it all back up. That's why i wrote it here first, to see how painful it'll be.
And seeing as i'm sat here sobbing, i don't know if i can do it. Its been nearly 11 years, from the time that i was nine years old, i'm now nearly 20, and he's still ruining my life. and its not fair. All i ever did was be born, and i don't no what to do!
I don't know what i'm asking for exactly, i think i just needed to get it out. I'm very sorry if this has upset you, take comfort it the fact that you can go to sleep tonight and forget all about it. I live with it each and every day.
Kerri x