4 yr old confused on who to call daddy?

Sarh - posted on 07/07/2010 ( 1 mom has responded )

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I had my daughter when I was 16yrs old. Her "sperm donor" has never been there for me during my pregnancy nor during her life! I have taken him to court to put him on child support, but I haven't seen a penny!! She has seen him a little bit, he comes around for a month then disappears for months on end. He thinks visitation should be when he has time. I told him when she was a baby to set up a schedule with me for when he can see her, but he didn't want to. I don't trust him at all. He has a felony charge for having a sawed off shotgun. He has a domestic violence charge, he has 6kids that he knows of, I have caught him selling crack out of his mom's house, he was selling weed out of his home when he moved out which he thought I should bring my daughter into. He thinks that she should be in the car with him, he is a "gang banger", I'm not having the most precious gift of mine around that! So, he finally laid off of me on seeing her and he keeps going back and forth on signing his right over (his own decision). Now, I am happily engaged to a wonderful man, in which I just had my son with. Jada and Dan (my fiance) get along as if they were father and daughter! My daughter however will not call him dad or daddy, she says she cant because he's her baby brother's dad. I don't want to force her to call him dad and I will not. It does hurt my fiance though when she mentions her "daddy david". We just tell her that he is not much of a father, and what has he done for her. Is this wrong of us? I don't know what to do anymore. And I don't know what to do when she asks about the sperm donor. We just tell her that Dan is her dad now. But she says that he's not. It kills me because I forced him into her life and now I'm older and I dont want him in her life, this is my fault how do I fix it???

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Venessa - posted on 09/21/2011

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Sarh I see your post has been up for over a year and no one has responded...I know my words may be late and I pray that they are a help. First let me say that I honestly know exactly how you feel. I have the same problem with my son's father, only I'm not in a relationship. After going thru the "On again, Off again" phase with my son's father I promised my self that the last time *in 2008* I was done. If he wanted to be a father to his son then I was all for it, but if he didn't I wasn't going to force him to be. I had him puton child support and like you I barely see a penny. My son is now 5 and to the age where he is able to make a few decisions for himself, one of those being if he wants his father *who has since popped back up* in his life. He doesn't, he calls his god father Daddy. One thing that I will say you shouldn't do is tell your daughter that her real dad isn't much of a father or that he hasn't done anything for her. Kids are very forgiving *well girls are at least* and in time she will learn and come to her own conclusion about her dad. Don't influence her choices. If you know where her real dad is tell him that his absences is affecting his child. Let him know that she has someone who is ready to love her and be a father if he doesn't want to do be there. Then you have him sit down with her and explain why he isn't around and why he does/is doing what he is doing? Then you be there for her no matter what. Come up with another name for her to call your fiance and also explain to him girls love their natural fathers hard. It's nothing against him in why she won't call him dad. She is a child who sees that her little brothers dad is always there for him and her father isn't, deep inside she probably wants to call him dad, have your fiance take her out and let her know it is okay if she wants to call him dad, because he isn't going anywhere. that could also be a problem, she's lost one dad and if things don't go good between you and him she runs the risk of losing another. I hope I helped in some way. I'll keep you in my prayers.

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