Single mom NEEDS HELP!!!!!

Shannon - posted on 02/08/2009 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Ok ladies. I'm really in desperate need of any and ALL advice. I guess I should give you some history before I ask my question. I have a 2 year old little girl whom I have raised on my own since she was born. Her father and I were engaged to be married before she was born. He walked out on me 5 weeks before she was born. Had another gf 2 weeks later and by the time my daughter was born, he was living with her and her 2 daughters. Only to find out later, he proposed to her as well. I tried to be ok with all of this but obviously I'm only human. He eventually walked out on her and her daughters as well. Now he is living with a new girl, (surprise, surprise). She has 2 daughters of her own and they all live with her parents. It's very shocking to me, considering I'm a single mom who supports us without the help of my mommy and daddy. I realize that everyone needs help from their parents, but the only reason they had to move out of their apartment and in with her parents, is because she was in governmental housing and the government found out he was living there without permission, and with his income, there is absolutely NO REASON they should be living in assisted housing. So now, every other weekend when he has my daughter, she is spending two nights at his gf's family's house! Does this make anyone near as aggravated as it does me?! Is there anything I can say or do to keep my daughter out of that situation????? They are NOT married, nor engaged (to my knowledge).

He basically wanted nothing to do with raising her when she was first born. I did it all myself. He didn't pay me child support for the first 6 months, barely came to visit and then one day decided to slap me with court papers saying he was trying to get FULL CUSTODY of her. I am not one to toot my own horn, but know when recognition is needed. I am a GREAT mother. I have a very happy and healthy 2 year old that is very smart and has a keen ability to sniff out when mommy is upset.

Basically, we ended up in mediation and I got almost everything I laid out on the table. She has my last name. I have all the final decisions, yada,yada. So that's one part of the story.

I met a guy through friends when my daughter was 3 weeks old. I WAS NOT interested in anything other than a friendship. He liked me. Eventually, we fell for each other. We dated for the first 16 months of my childs life. He got up with her in the middle of the night. He rocked her to sleep. He was truly a "dad" to her-minus the DNA. She even started calling him daddy because she thought he was-she barely saw her biological father at the time. Well, things went South with this guy as well. End result, he decided to leave our life because it's what God was telling him. A month later, even though his belongings were still in our house because he hadn't completely moved out yet, he started dating a girl who did everything in her power to shove it in my face that he wanted her over me. Very ridiculous and very immature. 4 months of them dating, he proposes. Scheduled wedding: this coming Oct.

With all this being said, and I could go on for hours about what these 2 guys have done to me and my daughter in the last 2.5 years. Both of these guys have at one point or another, wanted to pummel the other into the ground. They have openly told me how much they hated the other. On numerous occasions. I am trying to get on with my life. I haven't bothered them, I'm just trying to raise my daughter and be the best mother I can be. Then one day, I find out that both of these guys' girlfriends have befriended eachother. WOW! They, I find out, the girls are hanging out together. As much as it initially irritated me, I don't like either one of them, so it only figures they would become friends. SOOOOO then I find out that ex #2 and his fiancee, have invited ex #1 ( Sara's dad) and his gf to their house (which btw, I PICKED OUT because we were in the process of buying a house when he walked.) This happened this past Sunday for a Super Bowl party. The 4 of them took pictures together and plastered them ALL over myspace for me to see.........I was soooooo angry when I saw those pictures. After everything they've said about eachother and now they are all buddy-buddy. I confronted Sara's dad about how I thought it was messed up they were hanging out, but also realize I don't control who either one of them hang out with. I asked him if they were going to be friends, NOT to take our daughter around him as that would surely confuse her. He informed me that when it's his time with Sara, he can do whatever the hell he wants to with her. Now in my mind, I think walking out on your unborn daughter should be grounds for him to have to surrender his rights, second, does anyone think the things he continues to do are "child abuse" in a sense. It's mental abuse. She didn't ask to be born into a family where the dad wanted out only to go play "house" with another family.

Since I got no "mature" answer from him, I decided to call ex #2 and try to rationalize with him. He talked to me like an adult, apologized profusely for his fiancee's actions, and promised me that he would not go around Sara because he doesn't want to confuse her or complicate her life anymore. He told me he had NO idea that his gf put those pics up on her myspace. He was actually pretty pissed at her.

I am VERY shaken by this. I am tired of crying over the things that my daughters father puts on me. I am tired of knowing him and his family trash talk me in hopes that she will want to live with him someday. I am tired of him only thinking of himself and NEVER thinking about how his actions are affecting our daughter. I just recently found out that my family who live in the same state as us, are moving back to CO. which is where we are from. So are my brothers and their wives. I will be the only person here. I have no other family here. I rely on my family for so much. They help fill that "daddy" role that is lacking on a daily basis. Besides that, they are my support network and all you single moms know how important it is to have that!!! So in a round about way, I am asking, has anyone ever been in a similar situation? What did you do? I don't know where I should even begin to start. I won't use the attorney that I had before. Am I going to have to hire another one? I am wanting to move back with my family. I know I've got a fight on my hands. I feel like I am legit in wanting a better life for my daughter and I than the one we've got going on right now. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I appreciate all thoughts :) ~~Shannon~~

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6 Comments

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Di - posted on 03/11/2009

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Shannon, there is something called PAS or parental alienation syndrome. Check it out, as it may help you if they are running you down to her. Mind you be very careful not to do this yourself. I feel for you because it must have been so hard in the beginning and is turning into a night mare now. I wish you luck, and its a pity you cant just move now.

Kirsty - posted on 03/10/2009

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I'm so srry things aren't working out for.  Although I'm not a single mum myself I have friends who are.  Is there anyway you could get the court to check out the differnt environments your daughter will be staying in??  That you'll have your family offering positive role models and your ex and his family, if they're truly as bad as you've made out, will surely show their true colours.  You have to try and do what you think is best just not for your daughter but yourself as well.  Although my fiance is a great guy he can be incredibly selfish sometimes and I know if push came to shove I could do it all on my own.  I really hope everything works out for you.  You have to trust your instincts.  Good luck xx

Millie - posted on 03/06/2009

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Just always try to be the better person in this situation. I would suggest that you move back with your family to CO. IF he decides to fight it in court then let him. Sometimes life is like poker call their bluff. If your family truly supports you and they are behind you-you have nothing to lose. Also if you think he will take you to court make sure you have evidence of his absence in your daughters life. Maybe then you can gain full custody of your daughter. If you end up in court remember this:Hold your head up high not in a snotty way but do not let them see you cry. Then he thinks he has won. I hope this helps. Get all and any evidence of him not taking good care of himself let alone your daughter and all negative enviroments your daughter was in or would be in when she is with him. Be blessed. I hope this helps your situation. I watch alot of court tv and people's court: they all say where is your evidence? Good luck.

Abby - posted on 02/09/2009

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I am sorry to hear what you are going through. i do have a 2 year old son and understand your wanting to protect your daughter....although, i am not in a situation like yours i would like to offer support. have you sought full custody? are there guidelines in the court orders that are keeping you where you live or are you able to move to be with your family? will Sara's daddy allow you to move away without going to court? if i were you, i would document anything innappropriate that the father has brought into her life...if you go back to court, this would become important. if you have joint custody there is not much you can do...these things you describe are not child abuse, painful for you and possibly Sara to see...but not abuse and not much would be done there. i would see what you could do to be closer to your family. and always try your best to have open communication with the father, as much as you may disagree with him and his life, he is her dad and will always be. hope this helps, let me know how things go. i was a social worker for years and now i'm a stay at home mom so i understand from dual perspectives.

Jane - posted on 02/09/2009

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its not always as easy as that im more or less in the same situaton n have been goin through court now nearly 2 years n have had 3 different barristors, its the new laws that have come in which give fathers alot more rights than they deserve. i think it depends on the judge to wat happens not the solicitor. if the father is that immature then the novelty off ur child will wear out and he will gradually stop turning up for her its hard on ur daughter but it will show her how she cant trust her dad n not to rely on him when she gets older without you saying anything to her.

Amber - posted on 02/09/2009

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Hey, u poor girl. I definatly think u should fight 4 ur daughter, i have 2 young boys and have had alot of trouble with their fathers. I basically said to both of them its all or nothing, u be in ur sons life 100% with out any garbage and without involving them with new girlfriends and guess wot they both chose to disappear from our lives. I am now raising a 9 year old blind child and a two year old by myself and even though its really hard and i had to go to court to get full custody of my eldest because his father wanted to play happy families 4 5 minutes it was and still is worth it. im not trying to tell u wot to do but its sounds like your daughters father is extremly immature and u should definatly get another lawyer and get full custody of her. Remind her father that SHE is the most important in all of this and what he is doing is showing her what she should expect from men in the future, and thats not right! U sound like a wonderful mum and ur daughter is lucky to have u. Go with ur family if thats wot u want and move away from all the bullshit. Be strong and dont let the bastard win. Good luck!

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