life after becoming a mom

Theresa - posted on 12/01/2009 ( 16 moms have responded )

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i believe i have hit a point where i want to be that 20 something have fun w/ my friends and grown up me that has a family and needs to focus on that. since i got married 4 years ago things have been great. we had our daughter 16m ago and i kinda dont do nething...i am a mom house wife that works and thats me i dont go ne where w/ friends cuz its just this simple have dont have any. i have one really good friend but she just had a baby and i dont blame her she dont want to do anything so that leaves me by myself...ne one else feel this way or is it just me?

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Julie - posted on 01/09/2010

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I know what you mean. When you have kids your friends are not neccissarily in the same stage of life anymore and it gets hard to relate to them...plus the friends with kids are busy and it is hard to get out without the babies.
I have two kids a 18 month old and a 3 month old and they are a handful. It would be nice to get out to do somethings by myself once in a while. Grandma takes the older one but I feel bad leaving both.
I don't think dads feel the same way though because they get to get out and hang out with friends whenever they want. It seems like being a mom is a full time position and being a dad doesn't even meet part time hours.
All I can say is any time out of the house with other moms is good...get as much as you can.

Stephanie - posted on 01/08/2010

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Hi Theresa, I have a 4 year old and a 17 month old and yes it was my choice to have them and I would not change them for the world but I am still a person in my own right - not just a wife and mother- and as such feel I still have the right to have child-free time with my friends. Doesn't happen often but I appreciate it when it does. It's true to say that I have lost touch with most of my pre-baby friends but I have made some very good friends with other mums. I don't agree that once you have a child you don't count anymore. I don't think it's healthy for you, your child or your partner. You and your husband need to have time to yourselves when possible too. Try going to playgroups as they're a great place to meet other mums and also for your daughter to mix with other children. I know other people have said it but you just need to find the right balance of what works for you and your family and then this feeling will pass.

Elisha - posted on 01/07/2010

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I think stay at homes moms would be better if they just realized (including myself) that a couple of hours to yourself makes a world of difference....your kids realizes you come back and it makes your husband step up...

Ashley - posted on 01/02/2010

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Every now and again MOST moms can feel a little isolated and alone. Especially, If you are a stay at home mom or if your hubby doesn't help out around the house as much as you would like.

The key is to find the balance between isolated mom with no friends or free time and party girl drunk. I personally am too old and tired to even think about going out and partying like I used to. I have been married almost 5 years and have 2 seventeen month olds. I cook and clean and take care of the kids and like I don't have enough to do....I also have a part time job.

There are days that I just want to run screaming from my house. I love my kids and I love being at home with them, but the days when I clean up a mess and turn around and one of my dogs has pooped in the floor or one of the boys has ripped up an entire magazine or I come home and my hubby hasn't lifted a finger the whole day he's been home with the kids and I've been at work....yea I kinda wanna scream.

But I try to go get coffee with out the kiddos with one of my mom friends, or leave the boys with my hubby for an hour or two and walk around Target or the mall or just drive. It makes a big difference in my frame of mind to just leave it behind for a few.

Good luck, I hope you are able to find the balance.

Heather - posted on 01/02/2010

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Wow! Why such drama about someone needing a friend or two? I also have an 18 month old daughter whom which I FOUGHT to have. I love her more than life itself. That doesn't mean that I don't get lonely for past friends and activities. I don't much miss the drinking and stuff, but the socializing with other adults once in a while would be nice. I totally know where you are coming from THeresa. It is completely healthy for Moms to get out and spend time on themselves. I don't get much of it, but it is my choice. I get out when I can, but the friends aren't the same. I guess that is just life. I'm feelin ya T!

Lesley - posted on 01/02/2010

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I think it's very hard when you are used to going out and having lots of friends around and then all of a sudden you don't have those said friends because they don't have kids. I would suggest trying to find a moms support group in your area. Try http://themommiesnetwork.com, they have many groups all around and you are bound to meet someone with similar interests. Good luck!

[deleted account]

I feel the same way, I lost most of my friends when I moved from Calgary to Vancouver Island. I had my baby shortly after moving and have not had any time to make new friends around here. I wouldn't trade my daughter for anything but I find myself lonely without any one to go out with, just to spend time with. Yes you chose to have a baby, however you didn't chose to loose your friends. What you need to do (and me to) is find some friends with the same lifestyle as you, and want to get out. Once a month or once a week whatever you need, even if you leave your child(ren) with a family member and go out with your husband I'm sure that would be nice enough. And hey if you live on Van Island let me know and we can hang out sometime. :) Good luck and remember you are not alone in the way you feel. And don't let anyone make you feel bad for the way you feel either.

Ambra - posted on 12/16/2009

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I think that the most important part of the original post was that it is hard to keep/have friends once you have a young child and I can sympathize. I have recently moved from a foreign country where there was a very close-knit expatriate community with playgroups and social networks, back to my home country where most moms are back to work at 1 year (I would be too, except that my husband and I decided to have our babies close together and so I now have a 2 month old in addition to my 16 month old). I personally find it very lonely. I'm lucky that my husband is home with me for a few months on parental leave but aside from him all of my friends work and/or don't have kids (and I don't want to sound rude, but I have a hard time identifying with my child-less/free friends because our lives are so different). It is sometimes even hard to find playgroups. I wish I could give you advice but I can't because I haven't found many friends either and am just waiting impatiently to go back to work so that I can meet and see new people and get out of the house. I can tell you that before moving back there were "'Mums' Nights Out" as part of our organized groups and it was a great thing to get out, even just one night a month. It sounds silly but we all went and painted pottery one night and we were all amazed how good it felt to concentrate on something for longer than 5 minutes (the average attention span-- if we're lucky-- of our little ones).

Leave your child with your partner, parents, friends, whatever, and go out. Even if it is just for a walk, to see a matinee in the afternoon, or go shopping. It feels good.

I'm a bit of the pro-choice on drinking: if you feel like you need to really let loose once or twice a month then go for it as long as you have someone responsible looking after your child if you are unable to. However, I find it difficult to as I am breastfeeding my younger son who still wakes up during the night and it seems like more work to drink than not to. So I just don't. Not because I think it is wrong, but just because I don't find it worth the trouble (plus, extremely hung over or not, the next day is always rougher than it would have been otherwise and personally I find it rough enough as it is with a 2 month old in the house :-)).

Carrie - posted on 12/07/2009

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I agree that you make a choice to be a mom but being a mother is such a lifestyle change and you don't have to give up who you are and who you used tobe... just make sacrifices that make your children happy and if you are not happy personally then have you ever heard that saying "if mama isn't happy no one is happy" so I feel that if you used to party and hang out with friends get someone you trust to watch them and party your ass off....because i chose to be a mother but i did not choose to have a collicky baby or a baby with severe allergies so if you need to party then party on girl!!

Theresa - posted on 12/07/2009

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Quoting Erika:

I dunno about Willow's college experience but I didnt go actually go to college, i went to my friends colleges to hang out/get away from my crazy family/drink. and i only did that for a year. thats when i was 19 by the time i was 20 i was engaged/pregnant and struggling like crazy financially with my husband. So maybe thats why i feel the need to go out every other month or so and get a lil retarded. Most of the time we are either home watching movies or wandering the mall. Being 22 i still want to act my age! I dont wanna be 40 something looking back saying shit i probably shouldve enjoyed myself a lil bit more. My daughter is always gonna come first but im also going to enjoy being young. That may sound backwards, but my husband is in the military and who know if he will get deployed and not come back so my time with him i want to make memories of having fun with our friends and date nights....not sitting watching movies on the couch.
Thats just me , we are have different views ...Im not trashing your point of view just so you know, and i don't think there is anything wrong with what you do.



i went to a trade school of 18m i lived w/ my parents and traveled everyday to college cuz it was close enough to do so! :) however when i graduated college i got married and loved it and about two years later here is my daughter(we planned her by the way) i just want out of my house walls w/ someone that shares things i like take my daughter w/ and have someone to talk to that can argue their point w/ me and have a girls days! i like to drink once and awhile but not to get trashed thats not me. i know too many ppl also that give there child to ne one so they can party or put them in day care and forget they are there just to have alone time! screw that i am a mom and dang proud of it.  i agree w/ the not wantin to look back at my life and be dang it i def. should have hung out or went shopping w/ my friends more when i was in my twenties guess thats why they say wait to have kids but i want to run around w/ my kids not just watch them grow up!

CeeJae - posted on 12/06/2009

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Ok first of all Theresa never said one thing about going to the bar and getting smashed to the point that she has a hangover. She said she wants to socialize with her friends like when she was 20. I think that you are putting words in her mouth. Everyone has their own opinion about this. I personally enjoy being at home with my husband and daughter but I have been out and got drunk and I was still able to come home and take care of my daughter. I think that a mom who takes time for herself once in a while is a good mom. You need time to yourself and it doesn't matter how you spend that time. I like to go to dinner with my husband and a movie as well but there are also times where I go out to dinner with a friend and have a couple of drinks and home in time to tuck my daughter into bed. There's nothing wrong with that. It's ok to have your own opinion but don't attack someone else for having theirs. It's not like she is ignoring her child to fulfill her own needs. I say find what works best for you to make you a better mom and if that means taking time for yourself and friends go for it. I have a friend that lives up the street from me who has a son a year older than my daughter. we like to get together once a week our husbands hang out at one house with the kids and her and i go to the other house drink some wine watch a movie and talk. Then on the weekend we take turns making dinner and we all hang out together. You are not a bad person for wanting to get out. You do what's best for you!!!

[deleted account]

I dunno about Willow's college experience but I didnt go actually go to college, i went to my friends colleges to hang out/get away from my crazy family/drink. and i only did that for a year. thats when i was 19 by the time i was 20 i was engaged/pregnant and struggling like crazy financially with my husband. So maybe thats why i feel the need to go out every other month or so and get a lil retarded. Most of the time we are either home watching movies or wandering the mall. Being 22 i still want to act my age! I dont wanna be 40 something looking back saying shit i probably shouldve enjoyed myself a lil bit more. My daughter is always gonna come first but im also going to enjoy being young. That may sound backwards, but my husband is in the military and who know if he will get deployed and not come back so my time with him i want to make memories of having fun with our friends and date nights....not sitting watching movies on the couch.
Thats just me , we are have different views ...Im not trashing your point of view just so you know, and i don't think there is anything wrong with what you do.

Meghan - posted on 12/06/2009

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Erika, No, I never feel like I need to get out and have some fun. I had my fun days when I was in college. And even that was few and far between. I was never into the party/ get trashed scene. I would much rather be at home with my family enjoying family time and being with my daughter. That's just me. I understand some people need to go out and have a fun time. But I also see plenty of people go out and have too much fun and then not be able to take care of their child because they had too much fun. I'm not saying your life should shut down, I'm just saying that you make a lot of sacrifices when you become a parent and your social life is and should be one of them. You had plenty of time to party when you were younger, you shouldn't be doing as much of it now that you have kids. I feel that it is irresponsible. What happened to a good old fashioned movie and dinner with the husband. My husband and I have date nights and we go to dinner and a movie. We don't feel the need to go bar hopping. And I'm not miserable either. I am very happy with what I have and feel blessed for having my daughter in my life. I also know that this time with her is precious and goes by too fast and that you should cherish every second. Not spend it hung over or out with friends. A nice balance is necessary. I just get aggravated when people play the "woe is me, look at my life" card because you made the choice to bring a child into this world. I think once you make the choice to have children, it's time to grow up.

[deleted account]

get a babysitter, my husband and i still enjoy going out and drinking . I never will understand why people act like your life has to shut down because of having a baby..... yes it should slow down but def not shut down. you deserve fun away from the kid and the kid needs to be away from you sometimes. yes you are a mom/wife/lover but you are also YOU. to many parents lose themselves trying to be the best parent ever.... what they forget is an unhappy parent i generally the one who resents parenthood.

meghan, i think you might have been a little too harsh... yes she did make that choice to have a child but im sure you sometimes get a feeling where you really just need to get out and have fun. I think sacrificing to the point of being miserable is ridiculous.

playgroup is a good idea , maybe you'll find someone to hang out with sans babies! good luck

Theresa - posted on 12/04/2009

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Quoting Meghan:

Sorry to say but you made the choice to have a baby. And by making that choice, you chose to give up that party lifestyle. Yes, it is hard to make time to spend with friends but that is one of the sacrifices you make when you become a mom. And there are many more to come. I think you should stop worrying about not having a party lifestyle anymore and be thankful for what you have. There are plenty of moms who would love to be in your position and can't because they cannot have children. And, I think eventually if you continue to let yourself feel this way, you will begin to show signs of resentment toward your child and soon, they will pick up on that. Just count your blessings that you have a healthy, happy child. And if you are worried about having no friends, consider joining a playgroup that way you make friends in the same position as you.



im not upset about having my daughter and i never party before dont care to either i just want to spend time w/ my friends like ya know used tohang out w/ me. is all

Meghan - posted on 12/04/2009

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Sorry to say but you made the choice to have a baby. And by making that choice, you chose to give up that party lifestyle. Yes, it is hard to make time to spend with friends but that is one of the sacrifices you make when you become a mom. And there are many more to come. I think you should stop worrying about not having a party lifestyle anymore and be thankful for what you have. There are plenty of moms who would love to be in your position and can't because they cannot have children. And, I think eventually if you continue to let yourself feel this way, you will begin to show signs of resentment toward your child and soon, they will pick up on that. Just count your blessings that you have a healthy, happy child. And if you are worried about having no friends, consider joining a playgroup that way you make friends in the same position as you.

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