to be honest

Cara - posted on 05/06/2010 ( 38 moms have responded )

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to be honest. i am 21 years old and i have a 10 month old lil boy. he is my joy. sence he was born my relationship with my husband has been going down hill. i get up in the morning get ready for work while the baby is playing in the bathroom with me and he is sleeping. i get my son ready and i take him to day care and than i go to work from 8 to 5. he does not go to work until 9 and gets any where between 5 and 7. so at lunch i go home and clean my house. and when i get off of work i go and get my son from day care and we go home i make him dinner play with him and than its time to get ready for bed. by 8:30 he is asleep and than i clean the house and get done what i have to get done. and my husband will come home and just sit on the couch and watch tv, sleep or he will go out and not come home until i am sleep. and my son will not sleep through the night so i wake up and get him and try to get him to go back to sleep. and i am so tired of raising my son on my own. but i can not financialy support me and my son. with out my husband i feel stuck. i am so stressed out that i forget to eat and my hair is falling out. i cry daily. i dont know if he is cheating on me. i have no friends besides my mother and when i complain about him she gets mad at him which makes my life harder. sorry to complain i just dont know what else to do.

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Lexi - posted on 05/15/2010

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awww sweety I am so sorry you are having a hard time. Having a baby is a huge stress on a relationship. A marriage takes hella hard work when it's just the two of you, baby throws things into a tail spin!! My husband and I are still in the process of working out our expectations of each other. My husband has been unemployed for over a year. He got layed off a week after I found out I was pregnant. Needless to say we've gone thru hell. Lost our house, I quit a job I loved and had been at 6 years to move to a different state where my mom lives. She offered us a rental property of hers and a couple months leeway on rent till we got settled. We still couldn't find work. Only just now, after almost 5 months has he found a job. Dealt with a lot of issues with him being depressed, playing video games all day and not helping. Before we moved I was working and he was stay at home dad. Took care of our son but never did any housework. I came home every night feeling guilty for being apart from my son all day, immediately took over with my son, did everything all weekend. My husband has never even fed our son a solid food meal until yesterday. Since moving he has done nothing. I've just let myself get more and more angry with him. Talking didn't seem to help. But now we are making progress. He's feeling less depressed since he found a job and actually admitted that he's been lazy and not helping out. What has helped us the most is just to honestly and as calmly as possible lay out our expectations. What does he expect is your role as mother and wife? Was he raised in a family where the wife did everything and dad sat and drank beer? What are your expectations of him and of yourself? It sounds to me like you expect a lot of yourself. You spend your day doing everything for him so that he has no reason to help, but then get angry. I do the same thing. Like when I was working. He never once asked me to come straight home from work and take over, I just did it and then got mad that I didn't get a break after working so hard all day. It also sounds like you and your husband have had no opportunity to actually be a couple since having your son. That is so important. When was the last time you went on a date hun? I love the other posters idea about going to the tourney with him. probably not doable last minute but it might be great for you two to just get out for the evening together. Have grandma babysit one night or for a whole saturday or something. Hang out, hold hands, talk, have fun, be baby free for a few hours. Spend some time remembering why you fell in love and got married in the first place. It is not going to instantly make him change his habits, but if you don't get that time together it makes it so much harder to want to work on the relationship. No marriage is ever problem free. My husband and I have been together 10 years now and trust me there have been moments things almost fell apart but we FIGHT to keep this marriage because it's worth it in the end. I love him with all my heart and soul. Even when I am so angry and frustrated and hurt. I doubt he wants you to be hurting. Just keep fighting girl. If you step back and let him keep acting this way you two will just drift further apart and the gulf of anger between you will only get bigger. Yesterday I hated my husband for not helping out. Today (happens to be our anniversary) we spent five hours talking things over and renewing our promises to each other that he is going to work harder to help things out because he didn't realize how much I was hurting and I am going to try harder to not put pressure on myself and then get mad at him. What would your hubby do if you stopped doing his laundry and stopped cooking him dinner? It's not good to just go on strike without saying anything but maybe if you talked to him. Told him honey having to do this by myself is more than I can handle. I am hurting and crying every day because it is too much. I can't do this without your help. I just need you to know this. Because I can't do it on my own there are some things I am going to have to stop doing so that I can focus on what our son needs. He is more important than the laundry. I am not doing this to hurt you or to be spiteful I just have to take care of our son. I only have time to get his clothes and mine washed. From now on you'll have to take care of your clothes yourself. The very first month I was married my husband got mad at me one night because his work shirt wasn't clean and ready for him. I was infuriated. I taped directions on the top of the washer and told him if he wanted specific things washed at specific times he could do his own laundry. He has done his laundry ever since. It boiled down to expectations again. He thought that was my job, I disagreed. Now we just have to work out a whole new set of expectations as parents. Good luck with your husband. I wish you nothing but happiness.

Rebecca - posted on 05/06/2010

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Don't feel alone. This was me 2 years ago. I went back to work when my son was a few weeks old and my husband took all the parental leave. I would get up at 5am be to work for 6am get done work at 6pm go home and see my husband on his x-box doing nothing and i would then cook, clean, play with our son, give him a bath and put him to bed. He would wake up at least 2 times during the night and i would get up and put him back to sleep. I worked 7 days a week and worked 10-12 hour days. I had my own business so even when i wasn't at work my phone was ringing none stop and sometimes i would get a call at 12:45in the morning to say the alarm wasn't set so i would have to get dressed and go to the store arm the store go back home try to get to sleep and then be woken by our son 2 times then be up at 5am for good for the day...it's very tiring but you know what...it got better. We were told when i was pregnant by good friends of ours that the first year is the hardest. Don't make any decision until the first year is done. That was the best advice we ever got. It takes time for all 3 of you to adjust to your new lifestyles. You are parents now, you aren't just husband and wife. He will never see you as his wife, he will see you as the mother of his child. It's that simple.

You need to show him you are the person he fell in love with you need to communicate better. It doesn't really sound like the 2 of you talk at all. Me and my husband write to each other every month about things that we feel happened in the previous month and we go over everything point by point. It works for us and it has brought us closer. We sit and talk EVERY night while eating supper. Some days i'm exhausted yes, but we now have a 2.5yrs old son a 10 month old daughter our home is up for sale so i'm always cleaning and i'm just beat some days but at the end of the day it's just us. And we realized after some hard times that we truly love each other so we make an effort to do things together. So like i said we eat supper together every night, we play a few games of Skip-Bo...it's a really fun card game...we get the kids ready for bed together and once our daughter is in bed we relax with our son for an hour or so and then he's in bed and we either take time for ourselves or we do something together. Play one of his video games or watch a girly movie...yes he does it now:)

But it's all about compromise. Remember his life has also changed and men do take more time adjusting then women. We have 9 months of actually adjusting and they have like a day lol. It doesn't hit them until the baby is born. So just give him some time, sit and talk together and work on your relationship. Get your mom to watch your son and go on a date, just you and your husband and do something fun together. Go bowling, go to dinner, go dancing do anything but talk about the baby! The worst thing you can do is talk to your mother about how mad you are at your husband. Talk to friends yes, but your mother is part of his family and like you said it makes your life harder. I made this mistake before too and i regret it whole heartedly.

I wish you luck and i promise things do get better after 1 year. If he is in any way abusive however i am not giving this same advice, i would say to leave. You can't use finances as a reason to stay if things aren't good. There are things in place for women and children, where i am anyways. Look for them, ask friends, call government numbers and ask. do what you have to if it's getting abusive.

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Nicole - posted on 05/23/2010

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Hey I know that in a two job household this can seem impossible but it has helped us so much in my home. Try having a family member take the baby while you and your husband have a date. You don't have to spend money on the date you can just take a walk. Or if the baby is not in your home you can have time to talk at home. This time for us has been a saving grace. There is no tv or video games to interfere and we can talk about something besides baby.

Monika - posted on 05/20/2010

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Wow this is just horrible, I may complain that I have to do more for my daughter then my boyfriend but at least I know he loves and adores our daughter and spends quality time with her. He is even the parent in the water for her swim classes.



It sounds like he doesn't want to be a part of his family and for that I feel very sad for him. He is throwing away a good thing.



I wish there was a way to engage men into wanting to be more involved with their children. When was it okay for them to tune out and become a lump on the couch in front of the Xbox? I know a lot of women say men will be men with video games, but really these people are father's when are they going to grow up and take responsibility.



I don't blame you for complaining, I feel so bad for your son he's father isn't even part of his life even though he lives in the same house with him.

Sofaia - posted on 05/20/2010

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Oh....I really feel for you my dear and I believe that no woman should be treated like this. You didn't mention anything about talking things over with him, have you tried? The best and sensible way to resolve our family issues is through dialogue, not fighting or yelling at each other as it might just make matters worse. Look at things on a positive note and don't worry about the cleanliness of your house, as long as you keep the house safe from anything that might harm your son. You have a beautiful son and having children is the most blessed thing a woman could have... Last but not least, start off your days with a word of prayer and stay positive all the time. I wish you all the best in life...

Christine - posted on 05/20/2010

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I had the same problem in my last marriage (when I was a 21 year old mom with a new baby) and it started to happen in my current marriage (now 26), but I put my foot down. What I found worked was to approach my husband not when I was angry, but when I was calm. I made sure to use a lot of "I" instead of "you" statements. I said such things as "when we got married and had this baby, I thought that we would be a partner in this" and "I feel as though I am not appreciated and I am just the maid, cook, and nanny" and "I know our baby has changed a lot of things, but I feel as though I am losing you sometimes" and "I feel as though you don't want our family anymore" and so forth. The biggest thing is that you want to avoid "you" statements as much as possible. I was told that in my first marriage, didn't listen, and it fell in on itself. If you come at him in a "you don't do this and you don't do that and you never help me", he will just get defensive and the argument will be lost before it's begun. The biggest thing is that you have to get him alone (turn off the d*mn television) and make him look at you while you are talking. You have to tell him how you feel in this situation. The ladies above are right, you can't change him. HE has to make the decision to change for YOU BOTH. If he gets angry, there is not much you can do. In the end, you may have to go to live with your mother and tell him to let you know when he decides he wants a family. Some may argue that will do no good, but sometimes the guys don't believe we'll leave. If the woman shows the man she means business, he may change his mind. Oh yea! One more thing. When you ask him to do something and he says he'll do it later, DON'T remind him that he never gets it done or command him to do it now. I tried that crap with my husband now and got nowhere except in a fight. ASK him to please do it now. Even add syrup, "Please honey, can you do that for me right now. It would be a really big help to me." I know it's talking to him like a child, but men seem to respond to that. I wish you all my luck and hope that he sees the light and becomes a man.

Denise - posted on 05/20/2010

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Well honey men are big babies. I have two wonderful girls and now I am a single mom. He could not be a partner when I needed one and he could not put me before himself. I now realize after many nights of crying and me wondering "now what" how do I do this myself. Mind you I come from a strong Christian back round that does not do Divorce. That was a hard thing for me. I have to say God saw my heart and still blessed me beyond my own measure.You continue to meet the needs of your child. Time will tell for your husband and God will make a way. I promise.

Lauren - posted on 05/19/2010

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Cara,
I feel so sorry for you but I have been lucky enough to be able to be a stay at home mum. However I do do temp work on and off to help out so I do kind of know what you feel.
When I work I leave a note for my husband explaining exactly what I want him to do for the day, he also has to work so its not a massive list but anything he gets done helps out. Its simple stuff like vacuum, put on a load of washing, get something prepared for dinner. I used to walk in the door to dinner prepared but not cooked, washing machine on and a house vacuum. It still meant I had a lot to do but just those few small things helped alot. Our son is now 3yrs old and we have a 10month old daughter aswell and when I do go to work he knows it means he needs to step up and be more of an active father, so I no longer need the lists and he even surprises me by cleaning the bathroom or the like occasionally.
I do agree that since you both made the baby you both are responsible for everything to do with your son. Try making a deal with him like during the week he gets up to your son and on the weekends you will plus he can get a sleep - in (thats our deal when Im not working) just knowing that there are a few days of sleep coming helps me get thru the nights where its rough. One last thing I have learnt is house work can wait, it wont go anywhere and germs are part of life... yes clean your house and do what you HAVE to but scrubbing the shower for an hour shouldnt be what keeps you up at night.

Lorriane - posted on 05/19/2010

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This sounds like me a few months ago. I also have a 10 month old daughter and was doing everything!!! I was so miserable and exhausted! So one night we had a talk I gave him a list of everything I do... and told him I NEED HELP!!! Finally we made an agreement... I do baths one day he does them the next.. we just take turns... It has changed my life... I don't feel depressed, stressed and overwhelmed anymore. Try just still down and talking not yelling and see if that gets you anywhere!!

Sara - posted on 05/18/2010

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Just flat out tell him, "Look this is your son too, & you need to start acting like it!" I told my hubby even before we tried to get preg that when we had a baby he was gonna help take care of him too, hes not just something to show off & thats it. My hubby is great with our son, hes 10 mos old too, and was a preemie & my hubby has always stepped up to help out. Im a SAHM and hubby works 2pm-10pm. I get up with our son at night & early in the mornings then at about 8-8:30am hubby gets up and I go back to bed for a few hours & while Im in bed hubby feeds baby & everything. When I get up I give our son his bath and get him dressed etc, and hubby plays online or guitar or whatever then gets showered & ready for work. After work he comes home & cooks supper for me & him. Usually our son wakes up around the time hubby gets off & he plays with Daddy somemore. On his days off I usually bathe our son & he gets him dressed or vice versa. Then we spend the day together. I told my hubby upfront if you dont want to be a daddy I will find someone else, & to me a Daddy takes care of his kids or hes just a donor. If your sons donor doesnt want to be a daddy then you need to talk to your step dad & get divorced! People can say that it takes time to figure everything out, but hes not 16yrs old, you said hes 27 so he needs to grow up and be a man! Men are Daddys to their kids! And the going out everynight needs to stop! I tell my friends that if their kids Dads dont want to take care of the kids, they can pay like they would if the kid was in daycare! Because while your at work you pay for daycare & if you decided to go out you would have to pay a babysitter, even though its your son too, he uses you like a babysitter so he can constantly go out, so let him pay you like a babysitter! Dont stay in a relationship/marriage that makes you miserable...thats worse for your child than raising him alone...even if moneys alot tighter! And as your son grows up seeing his donor (dad) leaving all the time and ignoring him will make him feel like he did something wrong! Dont do that to your son.

[deleted account]

I read some of the other comments and it looks like you've been given a lot of good advice, but I just wanted to also say that if you can work it out with your husband you are giving your child one of the best gifts ever. Stability in a child's life makes a huge difference!

Steph - posted on 05/17/2010

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I'm experiencing a simlar (but not as bad) situation at the moment. Crisis talks are due. I love my husband and I know he does his best - but sometimes I just need a little time for me rather than always being mum/wife/housekeeper. Good luck & I hope you sort it out x

Mikaila - posted on 05/15/2010

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i dont know about nagging and nagging, but a husband is not another child to you and you should not be afraid to be firm even if he does get mad.

[deleted account]

My son's father was the same way! We have two sons and he did not come around until after I left with our first son and had our second. He lied to me about the silliest things. He had girls numbers in his phone under guys names. He was online looking for who knows what. Before I always lived with him and he payed the rent and so if I got fed up instead of him leaving I had to. Then I moved into a family home and once when he was here and we were getting close again I caught him in a lie. I took both our sons, went to my grandmothers house and said you better be gone when I get back--he was in the shower. Once he realized how serious I was I don't think he's lied to me since and it's been almost a year. He comes home after work, he helps clean and cook. He's done a complete 360. Before he would blow money instead of worrying about what needed to be paid and now he pays bills before anything. The way I see it you give them the option to be a part of your family which includes seeing their children anytime they want, or let them be alone. At first they may like it but then they regret it and are so lonely and really miss not only their kids but you too. If they can't grow up and be an example for their children, then who needs them!? Guys can change though, you just have to nag and nag until they finally take it to heart. Or tell them if they aren't going to be a dad then you will find someone that will. That always gets to them!

Alex - posted on 05/14/2010

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Well, it takes two to make a baby. You didn't create that little boy on your own, and you shouldn't raise him on your own. Talk to your husband. Give the baby to your mom for the evening or afternoon or whatever, just so he isn't around when you and your husband talk about this. You don't need to be distracted by him when you are trying to get through to somebody.

When you talk to your husband, there are a few things to remember. One is, do not yell. As hard or as tempting as it is, yelling only makes things worse. People get defensive, stubborn, and stop listening. Take a deep breath whenever you start to feel like yelling, and remember, this is about all three of you, not just you or your husband.

Next is, be exact with your desires. Men like examples, not vague references. Tell him what you want, and how you want it. But don't be demanding about it. Try to reach for a compromise. Ask him what he would like, and how he thinks it could be more balanced. Guys also love solving problems, so if you give it to him like a problem that you both can help to solve together, he may be more open to it. Say things like "I know we both work and are often busy, but do you think there is any way you could help out with the baby more?" And when/if he asks how you would like to him to help, be specific, but only list one or two things at first. Don't rattle off a whole list (as tempting as it may be) because it will just make him feel overwhelmed. Instead, like one or two things that you would really like or would take a real dent out of the work you have to to. Make sure to validate his feelings, and make a point of saying this is you trying to find a compromise that works for both of you.

Now, as weird as this may sound, try not to get too emotional. Guys hate tears, and don't know really how to handle strong emotions. Don't guilt trip either (to the best of your ability). Tell him how much you would appreciate his help, and even call it "Father-Son time" when he took over watching the boy. Ask about the two of them having a "boys night", where it would be just them (either at home or not), and you can do something else. And you would do the same for him.

The best thing for any relationship, no matter the type (spouses, friends, family, parents to kids) is communication. Rational, logical communication. If it is appropriate at the time, make a small joke or two. Get each other smiling so you guys don't feel so heavy with the "seriousness" of it all. Trust me, it'll make it easier.

And never allow yourself to get so angry that you will say something you don't mean. If you have to, tell him you need a moment and go to the washroom, go outside, go somewhere for a minute or two to centre yourself and calm yourself. That way you are always going into things with a level head.

Anyway, I hope this helps. Me and my husband have been married for 3 years and together for 5. With two kids, things can get pretty stressful around here. But you know, we never yell at each other. And we always talk our "fights" out. As such, we don't really need to have to "talk" that much about stuff that upset us or each other. We don't say things we don't mean, and we usually walk away feeling better with at least a temporary solution at hand, and plans for a more permenent one later.

Mikaila - posted on 05/14/2010

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...when my husband gets that way i remind him that not only do i work but as a mom and a wife my job is never over. i dont get a day off like johnny (my husband) gets. he gets to come home and relax. i come home to make din and ensure that he has lunch for tomorrow and take care of ari and this and that. as moms, whether working or not, our jobs are just never over. everyone depends on us, let him know that we as women need someone to be there for us, we are after all very emotional creatures. :) ...to every woman who commented, I appreciate your thoughts for my own life. I just turned 20 in march and sometimes i wanna hit a wall and make myself pass out just to get some alone time :) johnny's only 21 and i'm just loving every minute that passes that draws him closer and closer to a more mature life. but really, i appreciate all the encouragement (not the discouragement)

Mikaila - posted on 05/14/2010

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talk to your husband. it might be hard because you dont want to fight, but a baby is a decision you both made. it is better to communicate the problem now then to let it get worse. your responsibility as a mother is to look for the bst interest of your family, which means bringing an issue up if its really causung a prob. i had the same issue with my husband. i finally broke down and told him how unappreciated i felt and how im always doing nice things for him but his mind is always on his own life and happiness. he needs to stay home now and then and let you get out, and you two need to build hobbies together. do something you both like. go on at least 2 dates a month. but you have to understand that you are worth it and if you want change you have to let him know, bc as much as you think he should know exactly what your feeling, he doesnt. men are just not always intuned to our feelings like they should be. def dont talk to your mom. not only does it break the code of marriage but she will stress the crap out of you just like you mentioned. and your husband really should be asking you if your ok with how much he goes out. even if he gets mad when you tell him these things, he will think about it and try to improve. he really does want to make you happy and he might get mad bc he feels embarrassment for his stupidity and making you feel alone in it all. and you may also be stressed bc you dont feel appreciated as you should be. our men think about us but they dont always say so. hope it helps :)

Rachael - posted on 05/14/2010

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You're not alone. SO many women have to go through that. If it were me, I would sit him down, after your baby is in bed-and explain your feelings to him. Don't say things like "You never do this, or that", but just how YOU feel, what YOU do, and how it affects YOU.
If you love him, tell him you love him, and tell him you want to work it out.
I hope everything gets better, having a baby is such a hard time...but also the best.

Jessica - posted on 05/13/2010

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Hi Kylie,
I am not trying to be rude, but really? Do you honestly believe that telling a woman to leave her husband and find someone new is good advice?
First off, I know that having an unsupportive hubby is hard, but we married them. we chose to take vows! Does this mean nothing? We should always encourage couples to try and stay together, to try and make it work.
Secondly, go home to mommy and daddy?? Perhaps as adults we should not be so quick to run home to the comfort f our childhood. We need to be able to stand up and care for our children-that we made. I know I would never put that type of burden on my parents. I am an adult and I made my bed. I will now lie in it and make the best of it.

**Cara-Know that things are really hard in the beginning. Having a child is one of the most stressful times of your life..and one of the most hormonal too! Don't make a life choice while you are emotional. Wait. Think clearly and all the while love him. You saw something in him!! I know where you are and it is lonely and hard. But so is doing it alone..which is what you are doing anyways. You will just be less financially stable while you are doing it.

Jessica - posted on 05/13/2010

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This was me too! My hubby didn't want to help and it made me so mad. I kept score and it just made things worse. Then I read a few books, one was "Love must be tough" and the other "Created t be his helpmeet" both Christian inspired. I chose to be a happy wife and mother and do as much as I could alone and anything I couldn't do that day just waited until the next. I didn't complain when he went out and I never held out on him. I told him how much I loved him everyday and eventually he lived up to my expectations. He needed to see me in a different light. Once he saw how happy I was he chose to be home with me and to help me so we could spend more time together. We have a wonderful marriage now and three children :) It worked for me. Do what is right for you. But try to make it work for the sake of your child.

Denene - posted on 05/12/2010

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Sorry but it doesn't sound like your man has much interest in you or your child at the moment, which is not right, at all! Men have the luxury of being able to come and go as they please, unfortunately, and we all know it's true...I'd give him an ultimatum, either you help out or get out! If he says he's going to leave then you're probably better off in the long run. There's always child support.

[deleted account]

I have been somewhat where you are now, When my first two were little. At that point I was still working and I was doing ALL the baby work too. When I tried to ask I'm for help he would say that I was the mom, it was my job. Two things helped change that attitude.



1. Mommy's night out. I don't do it often, but I go out to dinner and shopping with a few friends. I leave daddy home with all the kids(I have 4 now) for several hours. It is a nice break for me and it shows him that it is not as easy as I make it look. A good excuse for this night out might be Christmas shopping. You have to leave the kids home so they don't see what Santa is buying.



2. We took some parenting classes together. The entire class practically attacked him when he stated "I am the mom it is my job.". He realized then that that answer was as not fair as he thought it was. It helped that outsiders were saying that was BS. It wasn't just me venting because I was over tired.



My husband is great with helping out with the kids now. He does everything I ask him too. So there is hope for change, but only you can make the call if your husband is Going to. Good luck!

Gretchen - posted on 05/11/2010

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You need to have a "come to Jesus" talk with him now! Yes, the first year is hard, but guess what? After that it's the toddler years and that's a whole new challenge! He needs to commit to the family he created. You don't have to be confrontational but you need to know where his head is. If he's not commited to family life, then it may be time to start planning a new life without him. Yes, some men have a hard time growing up, but that's no excuse. He's a grown man and it's time he started acting like it, or loose his family.

Kylie - posted on 05/11/2010

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Sounds similar to my situation as well, I have a 10 month old and have separated from my husband 4 months ago. I'll tell you what it was the best thing I have ever done I am so much happier now and I think my baby is as well. He does sound like my ex would rather do anything else then spend time with his family, this is suppose to be the happiest time in your life. I remember having problems breast feeding and he was never supportive in any way, he never got up once in the nights. All he said was I have to work so I'm not doing any night shifts. Also he would say the baby is not putting on weight and I'm not looking after her. This is not the things you say to your wife who is going through a major change in life and trying to breast feed. Remember also happy mum means happy baby, and they sense and feel everything we do. You need to work out if this is how you want to live the rest of your life. You are still so young and will have plenty of time to meet someone who will treat you like a queen. Maybe move back home with your parents, thats what I have had to do until I get back on track. I won't lie its hard and will get harder before it gets easier, but in the long run will work out for the best. All the best love and I hope everything works out for you which ever way you go.

Rikki - posted on 05/10/2010

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I felt the same way for awhile with my son but you reach a breaking point! You need to let him know how you feel and then let some things go. If your house is a mess, if dinner is not made, if errands are not run, then that is just too bad. I just made my focus my son and if it takes away from everything else, then that is just too bad. Once you get to that point then you can turn your focus on improving your relationship with your husband, let him know how you feel and let him know that if he expects you to be the only parent then you can do it without him but don't forget to tell him the things you would love for him to participate in so that he feels like he has a choice. Good luck, you will make it!

Tifani - posted on 05/10/2010

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all you need to think about is you and your son this man doesnt sound like he is trying or even cares and there are many more options out there to help you take care of yourself and your son if cant financially support him by yourself

Michelle - posted on 05/10/2010

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I completely feel your frustration. I have a wonderful husband but it is still like pulling teeth to get him to help around the house. He comes home from work and sits in front of the computer. We both work 40+ hours a week but when we get off I have a whole other job of taking care of our son and the house. Heck, I even mow the lawn. If I complain then he says I nag him all the time, but if I don't say anything then he does nothing. I've finally broken down a time or two with tears telling him that I cannot do it anymore. It's like a lightbulb finally went off in his head and he realized how much I really do. Since then he has helped a lot. It's not that he was a lazy person or that he didn't care.. he just didn't see what needed to be done because in most cases I had already done it and he just never stopped to see how much time it took of my life. I'm a little OCD so everything has to be perfect so I've tried to ease up on that and he's tried to help more.
I do feel your pain though.. I seriously had mental breakdowns over that exact scenario you described. I'm pulling for you.. just tell him how it's got to be.. You are only one person.

Fanta - posted on 05/08/2010

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Wow! First I want to say sorry for going through all of that at such a young age. It's hard to know how things will be until the baby is actually here. Yes, he does need to get up and help a little more and he needs to be present for his family...but the way in which you get him to do that is not through frustration at all. Decide within yourself that today I am going to do all this and I am not going to expect anything from anyone including my husband. Then sit down and talk to him, maybe write a few key points down so that you don't forget what you want to say...then tell him honestly how you are feeling. Tell him about your crying etc and tell him why you feel that way. Let him know that you need more help because it's breaking you down and you want to be a better wife and mother and you need his help in order to do that.
I dunno your situation but try to get a sitter maybe twice a month to hang out with your husband and like a previous person said maybe go to the pool hall with him to see one of his tournaments. Show interest in what he's doing and try to think of how things were before that kept him more interested in you...we can get consumed with the baby sometimes and the housework, sometimes just let the dishes sit there or the trash start smelling, this may reguvenate you to have more energy to clean the next day. Ask him what his expectations are of you as a wife and mother and then you tell him your expectations of him and then you guys can try to meet somewhere in the middle. Sounds like you need to talk more and expectations need to be outlined specifically but men respond to soft voices etc...when you are mad or yelling or nagging to get him to do things it wont happen. Just try tackling the most important things first, I don't think you should give up on your relationship just yet, the baby is still young, it will get better...but if you do feel like you are ready to give up I think you should talk to someone neutral first (not your mom) someone like a pastor or counselor in your area, it really does help!!!! I will be praying that things get better for you! Best wishes

Christina - posted on 05/07/2010

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I understand where you are coming from and I feel for you. I often have similair issues with my husband, and feel as though I am almost stuck dealing with life the way it is because I am unable to do it alone. I am currently unemployed, so I do everything with the baby and the house, I feel like I can't say anything because he has been working all day. I am looking for a job, but have been home for the past 10 months, so I fear that when I do find a job, he is going to expect me to continue to handle everything, because he has become used to it. I mean he will watch the baby if I run to the store or something, but for the most part it is all me. My other issue is I kinda feel like he resents me for being home, he is unhappy with his job, so he comes home mad, and all he wants to do is play his xbox. I am home alone all day and I am looking for someone to talk too, I feel like that part of our relationship has been lost since we had the baby.
Like you, I have very few girlfriends, and the few that I have I don't want to let them know I am unhappy. It is like I am embaressed or something. I want to pretend that everything is all love and happiness. Sometimes it is, but like you it is hard for me to tell him my feelings. He doesn't seem to want to hear it, and it always goes back to, I have been at work all day, I am tired, I just want to play my xbox to relax. I don't think he will ever understand that I need to relax just as much as him.
My suggestion is to start small, that is what I am doing. I send him a e-mail and tell him that we need to talk, so come to me in the next few days when you are ready. I also started a date night for him and I, even if we can't go out, a few times a month, we have a night where there are no video games, whether we go out to dinner, or just watch a movie, and after we have spent some time together and had a drink or two, we usually start talking. The last thing is take some time for yourself. Men need to be reminded how much work and effort go into taking care of the baby, it also remind them how hard it is to get anything else done while you are doing it. For example tomorrow night I am going out with my girlfriends, and he is watching the baby. I try to do that at least once a month, it might not be as often as him, but I think it with help you to recharge.
I wish you the best, I don't know if I was helpful, but I have found it best to start slow, one adjustment at a time. When I come at my husband all mad about a laundry list of things I feel he is doing or not doing, I don't find it to be successful, so every now and then I introduce a new thing that brings us closer to where I think we should be.GOOD LUCK!

Anna - posted on 05/07/2010

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My husband and I are going through the same thing. We have four children and when they are babies its always an issue. One thing I have learned though is what I feel is important isnt always important to someone else. Like my husband says "you are the only one who cares if there are dishes in the sink. Hes right. Sometimes you just got to let some things go so you can be happy too.

I agree with some of the others about it getting better after the first year. Men dont like babies or understand their needs as much as mom's do. They dont have the patience for it either (I am not speaking for all men okay!) My husband has always liked our boys better after they could walk and really get into stuff. Thank God cause thats when I dont like them as much!

I read an interesting statistic once that said stay at home moms do 95% of the housework, Homes where Mom and Dad both worked fulltime the woman still did 80% of the housework.
Just some food for thought

Good luck to you I pray things get better.

Hayley - posted on 05/07/2010

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it sounds like you need to have a day or two off work find yourself again, because your not just a mum or a wife but you have to be you! i think if you have a day of work, put your son to day care, have a lovely bubble bath, have some retail therapy do a little housework, cook a nice dinner, make yourself feel like yourself again, a lot of us mums loose our friends when we become mums because our life is centered around our children now and i think, me included, we forget to take 5 minutes to ourselves, we need it!!!! dads will always try to get away with doing bugger all because "its a mums job" once you have chilled out yourself you need to sit with your husband and explain to him you are finding it hard juggling a baby and work and home and he needs to take some responsibilities of being a daddy. i hope you can work something out, seems like your hubby has not realised that everything has changed, you guys are now parents, to a baby who needs both of you!!!!

Kaylynn - posted on 05/07/2010

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my fiance was the same way...I was working cleaning cooking and taking care of my son alone...I told him he had two options, either hes going to be apart of my familly or hes not and I was gone. I lliterally have noone else...not my mother father or friends that would or could take me in so I was alone. But you do have optiions are far as state help or income based housing...if its really not working you need to have a very serious conversation or tell him its over...nothing is worth hurting your child in the long run...

Eunice - posted on 05/07/2010

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that sounds like me....u cant change a man...for me i plan to leave him as soon as i settle down my plans...those are the kind of people that should live alone!!! period!

Rebecca - posted on 05/07/2010

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How about you set up a sitter for tonight and when he gets home tell him you're going to go watch him play pool. It might not be the funnest thing in the world for you but if you show interest in what he does he might come around more and help a bit.

Cara - posted on 05/06/2010

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i have tryed that and all he does it say. i will do it later and than i tell him no please now. i am trying to get his done. and he just wines he is 27 years old and still acts like a lil kid. he would never abuse me.. my step dad is an attorney and he would never do that. but i just want him to want to be home. like monday we went to the movies and i went home with my son and he left and went to the bar. than turesday he left at 730 and went and played pool. than last night he left and i dont know where he went and tonight he has a pool tourniment. so i will not see him tonight. this is how every week goes when i ask him to stay at home. he gets mad and wines and mopes around the house. he does not drink or party. i dont know what is going on. i know that it is boring at home. but when he is there moping and wineing i dont want to be around him. it drives me crazy when he acts like a lil kid.

Meilan - posted on 05/06/2010

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Make him help out! You both decided to have a baby, so you both have to raise him. Simple!

I'm a stay at home mum and I can't tell you how lucky I am with my husband. As soon as he's home from work he's helping out with our daughter, or making dinner, or doing something else usefull.

When everything is done, he plays PS3 or whatever he wants to do. And we still spend loads of time together as husband and wife.

I got all this from telling him exactly what to do and when from very early on (before baby was born). Men need us guiding them. They really don't see (or want to see) work. You have to show them.



Good luck!

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