Breanne - posted on 01/26/2009 ( 9 moms have responded )
alright, so i'll start with i'm 22, and my daughter's about 7 months. i love her and her father very much, which is why i don't understand why things are the way they are.
since i was a sophmore in highschool i've suffered from depression for periods of time. i've always been able to hold out the month or 2 it last and goes away. either that or i'd self medicate by smoking pot. now i'm on probation and on top of it realise it's no good for my baby if i'm gettin high to help myself feel like i can tolerate the day. the depressions been almost non=stop every day since marilyn was born. i've tried 4 different kinds of anti-depressents and none of them worked. to make tha worse, i was dropped from state insurance cause they were suppose to offer me insurance at work but never did. so now i have no insurance to go back to the doctor about it all either. i'd ask them to give me insurance at work, but i'm layed off while it's slow season, and my case worker told me becasue of how much i worked over the summer i don't qualify for state insurance right now.
my child and i are stuck living with my mom and stepdad because i'm not working right now and my boyfriend works less than full itme at a sub shop so he makes very little money. he also has a daughter that's about 18 months that he pays child support for, so that takes a good cut of his paychecks as well.
i'm just at the end of my rope. i do love my family, i love my job when i get to work, i just can't deal with these shitty feelings anymore. i cry myself to sleep every night, i cry when my baby's taking her afternoon nap, i cry when my boyfriend gets slighty mad at me casue i feel like a huge piece of shit. nothing i can do legally right now is helping, and i can't risk going to jail to do something that works. i'm just scared that one day i'll go off the deep end and actually try to kill myself. not some pussy ass cry for attention swallowing pills crap either, like go out in the woods with one of my uncles guns and just taking care of buisness.
more often than not i feel like everyone would just be better off without me. i know it sounds like i'm complaining for no reason, and i don't understand why i feel this way because i know i shouldn't, i just can't help my feelings.
no one i know will talk to me about it, i've tried and they just tell me to get over it, grow up, and move on. that just makes me feel worse about everything. i just don't know what to do anymore. i'm at the end of the line. does anyone have any advice for me, please, i'll listen to anything anyone has to say to try and help.