Livid!!!! Husband and I don

Allie - posted on 09/16/2011 ( 15 moms have responded )

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Ok, so this is probably more of a rant than anything but opinions and suggestions would be greatly appreciated at this point.



Back in July my son, my sister, and I went to my in-laws for a mini vacation (husband had to work) and one day while we were there my sister and I went out for a while and my in-laws babysat. We were talking about what all he had had for lunch that day and they gave him a soda, which we do not do. Ever. My husband and I lived with them for about a year (pregnancy through 6 months old) and so they were very involved with our discussions about how we planned on raising our son. And my husband and I decided that we would not give our son sodas until he was much older for obvious reasons. Anyway I politely said "OH!? Well we don't give him sodas." and they replied, "Oh, sorry, we didn't know."

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Heather - posted on 10/14/2011

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Ok...so I'm gonna be the odd man out here. I had big problems with my own mom when it came to following rules about my kids etc and it cause a HUGE argument with my mom where we saw her a lot less which ended up hurting everyone.
You have to decide how important the soda thing is to you. You should talk to his parents. Maybe they feel like they want something different and special to give him when he is at their house. Something he doesn't get at home. Grandparents like to "spoil" their grandkids. Perhaps you can come up with something else they can give him that would be "ok" with you.
My mom and I formed an understanding. I would tolerate a few of the things she did that I didn't agree with 100% and she would ALWAYS stick to the big rules I had. We could both live with that.
Think about how important this one things is too and if it will affect things in the long run.
On last thing. My mom was recently diagnosed with Cancer and only has a 5% chance of living five years. It's caused me to think a lot more about what is really important. Do I really care that my child has a food at their house that isn't allowed at mine?? When they only see Grammie maybe twice a month is it REALLY going to hurt them? My children have come to understand that they are allowed to only do certain things at grammie's house and not at home because grammie has different rules. And learning that the rules aren't the same eveywhere helps prepare them for school and other instances where they may be away from you and have different rules in the future. I make allowances for my mother because making sure that she stays happy enough to be a part of my children's life is important.
Oh...and if your in-laws watch the kids so you and the hubby can have dates...consider yourself lucky. That was a very nice thing for them to do. My mother-in-law and father-in-law haven't even come to see my kids in over a year and a half and they live closer then my mother does (and forget babysitting). I want so badly for them to have a relationship with my kids because it benifits kids to have some many loved ones a part of their life. Don't take your in-laws involvment in your kids life for granted....

Jessica - posted on 12/28/2011

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I say relax on the issue. If it were a huge thing like letting them play with knives or something dangerous I would throw a fit. But he is a kid and soda here and there will not do any damage and as long as he knows it is a special treat with the grandparents it should be fine. My grandparents shower my kids in sugar and sweets but they ae in their 80's and I am blessed that my girls get time with them.

Rebecca - posted on 11/28/2011

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Ok. Um, really.....not let your son spend time with his grandparents. I am not siding with them but, really. Chill out! There are much worse things they could be doing! You have to remember that as a parent you have rules but grandparents have their own rules. I would just sit down with them and talk to them on how it made you feel. They didn't respect your wishes and so that makes you not trust them and you want to trust them....But, I wouldn't fly off the handle and not have them watch him anymore just because they gave him a little soda. They don't have to agree with everything you do but they need to respect your wishes. If they don't agree with you then tell them they need to tell you that and you will give them healthier alternatives. There are much, much worse things that can happen to him in their care or once he goes to school if she is not in school yet....

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Jen - posted on 06/14/2012

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If they gave him a mai-tai I'd say you're entitled to flip out, but a little bit of soda? Relax. Unless they're babysitting him every day, let them spoil him with things that he normally can't do. Having a soda every couple of months is not going to ruin his health, and there is something alluring about having forbidden treats with grandparents. The memories he will have later about Grandma & Grandpa spoiling him on occasion are not worth sacrificing over half a dozen cokes a year.

I watched my sister in law flip out every time her father would do something against her rules when he was watching her son. Then my aunt (who was like a grandmother to me) died and as I remembered growing up with my cousins at her house, I realized she used to spoil us in the same ways. Often kids need to sample to forbidden fruits, and as long as it's not too frequent, there's nothing wrong with letting Grandma's & Grandpa's be the place for that to happen. Grandma & Grandpa get a thrill out of seeing the little ones delight in off-limit treats, and your little one has something to look forward to. I think it's a good way to separate treats that are only for once in a while. As long as they're not putting him in danger, something like a cup of soda is not worth anxiety over.

Jennifer - posted on 06/08/2012

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I have disagreements with my inlaws, but they always have my kids ask before having something. My son doesn't like anything carbonated so we don't have the soda issue. However, my son (he's actually my step-son) has been in counseling for over 5 years due to issues with his parents' divorce and his counselor has always stressed to us the importance of the relationship. His BM (bio-mom) is constantly trying to alienate him from his dad. We try to stand our ground and she does things like giving him a gun (not a BB gun, a real fire-arm) at age 6 and telling him that his dad is treating him like a baby for being upset about it. We have learned to choose our battles with his BM (obviously we still stand our ground with the gun issue) and focus on not feeding into her alienation tactics and work on keeping the father/son relationship strong.

Ultimately, is having a soda once every 2-3 months really going to hurt him? Soda isn't inherently evil, it is a product that you can choose to use/abuse or not and it's actually not any worse than most juices on the market. There has been no health issues linked to a child having a soda once every 2-3 months. If it was 2-3 a day, there's another issue. But in the long-run is it really worth destroying your son's relationship with his grandparents over something that is kind of petty? As long as they are following the "big" rules, is it really so bad that he gets a treat of soda once in a while at grandma's house? There are things that my inlaws and my parents do with our son that my husband and I don't agree with (my mom keeps a jar of M&M's at her house that is "for kids to have without having to ask their parents") but they would never jeopardize his safety or well-being and I know that I can trust them in that respect. When your son says he wants a coke, just tell him that it's only something he has as a treat with grandma or grandpa and that he knows there's no pop at home. It won't take him long to understand the difference and then it won't be such a big deal.

I just encourage you to think about what is going to affect your son more in the long-run: not having a relationship with his grandparents or having a pop once every 2-3 months? Sometimes as parents we get hung up on the little things (believe me we've had to work very hard on this) and forget to look at the big picture in life and think about when he's 60 and has grandkids of his own, you don't want him to be sad because he didn't really get to know his own grandparents and have those experiences.

Good luck :)

Karen - posted on 06/07/2012

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My family give my little girl things that I wouldn't, and when she was younger (less than 1-1.5) I stood my ground because I didn'y think she was ready for them (things like chips, sprite and lollies) now as she get's older I have relaxed a bit about it. People in your life will always push the boundries. If you didn't care what they fed your children, they would probably feed them carrot sticks! The whole, decieve mum & dad starts very early these days, and I figure, if you try and work with the people around you your not seen as such a bad guy. In way would I condone given them Soda etc everyday! and my daughter understands they are 'some times food'. They are going to be exposed to all sorts of things they shouldn't have when they get to school, all we can do is educate. Banning them doesn't do this, it just makes them more of an allure in my mind. I can understand the frustration with them not listening to you though, where does it stop? Good Luck

Karen - posted on 06/07/2012

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Yeah, I had the same rule. If you send him with them again, in his bag pack some juices boxes and politely say "Oh yeah I packed some juice boxes so you don't have to worry about looking for anything to drink. We wouldn't want him to be stuck with soda".

Laceyashton - posted on 06/02/2012

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it is so annoying when other people totally ignore how u want to bring ur child up, i mean this is urs and ur husbands child and not thers. my son was born june 2008 and i have always said he is to not have fizzy pop until he is older. he has had a few sips but luckily for me he doesnt really like it. u could offer my son a fizzy drink and he will say "no i dont want it, its fizzy" he loved a dilute drink or cup of milk. it might be an idea for u and ur husband to sit the in laws down and repeat that u DO NOT want ur son drinking fizzy pop and there are plenty of alternatives; water, dilute, fresh juice, milk, flouverd water. i dont really know waht else to say. good luck!

Jenni - posted on 03/19/2012

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I would be in tears. We now do not go to my in-laws ever because they will not listen to my parenting and they make me feel bad about how we parent. I am all natural about everything, and they are not. I finally had it this last year and refused to go there for Christmas after 14 years of putting up with all the crap. My parents are getting on my nerves, too. As a special treat, they think it is great to send a whole 12 pack of Mountain Dew home with us! I said that is it! No more! (And I gave it to the neighbors when we got home). You have to stand your ground. Your child's health is more important than making your in-laws happy. Your child is your first priority. They did not understand health back then like we do now. My older kids have had soda and now are addicted to it because my husband is not on the same page as I am. I hate soda. It is evil. My 15 yo daughter is soda free because I stood my ground.....then after that it was harder with more family around to weaken my defenses.....so keep saying NO!!

Maria - posted on 01/16/2012

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Explain the reasons behind why you dont want them to give your son soda. Coke is harmful to the stomache lining etc when drunk often and not to mention any kind of soda on teeth. My husband and I have the same rule until he was 3, no soda and juice only with meals but when he was 3 he could have a very small amount of lemonade with a meal as a treat and not every day. There isnt as much rubbish in it as coke and doesnt do as much damage to their teeth but hes not allowed coke at all EVER. Explain as well not respecting your and you husbands wishes is disrespectful and causes problems in your relationship. I know I had a similar problem but with letting him sleep in the same bed when he was a baby especially as my husbands father smokes not to mention other dangers as rolling on him and him getting too hot and fitting. My hubby was stuck in the middle. You need to speak to your husband beforehand so you are coming from the same angle but reason and compromise is the best way forward and ours resulted in him not staying overnight as we couldnt trust them but they could still take him out and see him. Grandparents always think theyre right but he is your child and what is important to you should be respected.

Cherl - posted on 11/07/2011

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I ABSOLUTELY KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!!! I have been the exact same way with our 3 year old son and have been very avid about how i want him raised with my in laws and my family. I have told them that he doesn't get candy very often and that we DONT let him drink pop. Well, I go over to pick him up from his mammaw, or aunts and he's drinking a coke or rootbeer out of the can!!! I'm like wtf? And their excuse is that they are supposed to spoil him thats part of their job....???....that's not spoiling that's just starting him off on a bad diet with pop. AArrgh! I feel your frustration. No matter how much I say to them how I feel everyone thinks I'm too protective.

Allie - posted on 10/17/2011

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@Heather I'm sorry to hear about your mom... and I have thought about how serious the soda issue is, and in the grand scheme its not the soda per se its the general disregard to us as parents. And I understand that we're young, but both of us are educated and sat down and discussed our parenting ideas and made rules that were important to us. And its not just the soda's they (mostly my FIL) do other things such as constant snacking, late bedtimes, movies (Johnny Depp version of Alice in Wonderland, not appropriate for a 3 year old in my opinion...) but I keep my mouth shut.. and I'm just sick of it. We have to go back for thanksgiving and I'm just dreading it. We only see them like once every 2-3 months so I get the whole spoiling thing, but there has to be a line and I'm not quite sure how to get them to realize that.

Lisa - posted on 09/28/2011

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I think you have a valid perspective but are missing the whole point to argue with your husband; your in laws are completely disrespecting a choice you guys have made as parents. The soda isn't the issue. If they can't respect something as simple as a drink how can you trust them to respect your other parenting issues. What if your issue was bedtime and they were keeping your child up until midnight when you weren't around. Comparing what our parents did with their parents doesn't seem right; this is a new generation of parenting and if you know better, you should do better. Your husband should buck up and have a serious conversation with his parents about respecting the choices you guys are making for your child.

Rachel - posted on 09/17/2011

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I know how you feel but the parents that dont listen to my rules are mine and it pissed me off. It wasnt about food or drinks because i know they wont listen to any of that so I just send food or drinks with him if they would watch him. They only ever watched my son not my 19month old daughter unless it was at my house. My problem was with my sisters boyfriend who i detest i hate this guy and think he is the scum of the earth. Well I told my parents if my son was at their house than I didnt want that guy there or if they knew my sisters moron would be there than my son would not go there. Well the last time they watched my son about 3 months ago i found out about 4 days later when my 4 year old told me that the moron was there so I confronted my parents who had nothing to say so I said fine if you can not listen to my rules as his parent and you dont have respect for what I said then I will not allow my son over to their house or with them alone. They know where my house is and if they want to see my kids they can come here.

Kathryn - posted on 09/17/2011

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I know it is frustrating when grandparents won't comply to your rules but think of it like this, did your grandparents follow the same rules as your parents?

All you can do is ask them not to do it, but it doesn't mean they are going to comply. Basically they will do what they want.

I guess you have to decide which is more important. A relationship with the grandparents or your child not having soda.

Don't get me wrong though, I have the same rule. This is a no soda household. My oldest is 3 and he has probablly had soda 2X, and I mean a sip.

For when your son asks for coke, just explain that kind of drink isn't something you would like him to drink and explain why.

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