why is my 18 month old cranky after visiting daddy?

Lisa - posted on 01/20/2010

WOW Jenni. I was reading this because somebody asked for help with there child not to be told of a religion that is only one of many. Im not married and have 7 children and your god has nothing to do with there happiness or not.

Sorry for getting of track there Shaina.

Its one of those things that seems to happen when kids of all ages go to the other parent who probably only sees the kids a couple of days a fortnight.

I hope you can work things thru with the kids father and come to an agreement where the kids routine stays normal. But it may just be that he will spoil them because he only gets a couple of days and may not want to listen to rules because its his house and he can do what he wants.

Good luck.

Shelley - posted on 01/11/2010

I'm new on here, just joined today. That Jenni lady is not a good promoter of this website. After reading her comments, I'm almost afraid of posting a problem on here for fear of being judged. Oh, and Jenni, Dear, you might want to keep your pride and boastfulness in check. They will send you to Hell just as quick as any other sin. You might want to pray to our Heavenly Father for forgiveness yourself. Amen

Melissa - posted on 01/09/2010

Just because you have a child with someone does not mean you shoudl be married to them. My daughters father has not seen her in well over a year, he has no desire. Yes we were actually engaged to be married then i got pregnant and it all went downhill from there. i tried everything to get the relationship to work because we have a child together. sometimes a baby makes the relationship not work any more. some people are not able to grow up enough to raise a child. so i think jenni should keep those comments to herself. as far as not knowing why your child is cranky after visiting daddy, ask his family adn possibly close friends if you cant get an answer from him about what they do together,maybe they can give you some insight. or maybe instead of 2 straight days with him you can split it up, i know a lot of time its eaiser to do mulitple days in a row but maybe if its split up for a little she will get a little more used to it. best of luck!

Kim - posted on 01/09/2010

I seperated from my son's father around this time and other people are right, you need to have a routine. A lot of times we take for granted how much children understand. It's a lot more than we think! Try talking to her for a day or so before she goes to Daddy's house to let her know that's where she's going and when she'll be back home with you. Ask her dad to do the same. If she knows what's going on, as best as she can understand, it might help. It's also a good idea to make her favorite food on return to help ease the transition and give her something to look forward to. If the dad is with someone else, is the new woman around your daughter? That could be a big part of the problem, too. Look closly at the situation and see if she's even with her father when she visits, or if she's with the new woman or someone else. If she's being tossed around when she's supposed to be with him then it's no wonder why she unhappy when she comes back to you. Do not, under any circumstances, marry the father just because you have a child unless it's what you all want. An unhappy marriage is just as bad for a child as a divorce is. I hope this helps and good luck!

Nadia - posted on 01/08/2010

Quoting shaina:

thank you all for the advice. and for the record i tried to be a good christian and get married to the father of my child but he decided that her what to be with another women who is pregnant with another guys baby. but thank you again for all that advice.

Shaina, have u figured out what it is that's bothering her?

Shaina - posted on 01/07/2010

thank you all for the advice. and for the record i tried to be a good christian and get married to the father of my child but he decided that her what to be with another women who is pregnant with another guys baby. but thank you again for all that advice.

Nadia - posted on 01/06/2010

Quoting Melinda:

Quoting Nadia:

I would definitely explore what it is that's upsetting your daughter...kids are cranky for a reason and although it's helpful sometimes to ask others for advice, this is very specific to your situation so you'd have to get that answer from your child/ex...just trying to rule out all possibilities but is it possible he's abusive?

Thank you Nadia for being brave enough to mention the unthinkable that no one wants to mention! Of course your child may just be experiencing normal stress from the separation. Children show us there is a problem by being distressed and cranky and this is a warning sign, but it's only one warning sign. I don't know you or your ex but from an outsider's point of view I would only suggest to keep your eyes and ears open to all possibilities.

...these poor little innocent ones can't truly express themselves at this point so it's our job to dig deep and speak up for them, if there is a need.

Lucy - posted on 01/06/2010

Miranda, I wish you well, my eldest son was the same! I just kept cuddling him and telling I loved him, your daudgter is most likly the same for her father but it sounds like he has more support? do you have some help near by? maybe some distractions a play group is a good plan. The eating thing i swear is just to wind you up, don't strees at her just keep calm and leave some food on a plate where you would normally eat your food I leave crackers and some cheese if my son is being fussy, he gets to them eventually! Most of the time he is so caught up with playing he gets a bit stroppy if I make him stop for food, I now try to give him plenty of warning that we are having food or stopping play and going to the bath then to bed ect, good luck!

Myrtis - posted on 01/05/2010

Could be anything. Fatigue, hunger, anxiety, change... Try a snack, a snuggle and a quiet story. Usually kids reserve their worst behavior for the person they love and trust the most. This is actually a complement, she knows that no matter how crabby she is, you still love her. I know it's hard to do but if you keep that in mind you may feel less hurt by the bad behavior. Good luck and hang in there.

Miranda - posted on 01/05/2010

Wow. I thought how my 18 month old daughter acted was just my daughter but I guess others have the same issue! My daughter wont sleep for me, wont eat for me, is cranky all the time. Ill play with her and she laughs but when I get dizzy from doing "ring around the rosy" and have to sit down she gets mad. Her father and her fathers parents tell me that she is a great baby, she eats for them, she sleeps all night long. For me she throws fits in the car seat, but for the other side of the family they say she rides in it great and only crys a few times. I keep wondering if they are lieing to me or what? I dont have any advice, only to let you know that you are NOT alone when it comes to this. and If anyone knows of any reasons why an 18 month old still wakes up 4 or 5 times a night or any suggestions on how to deal with it plz let me know!!

Melinda - posted on 01/05/2010

Quoting Nadia:

I would definitely explore what it is that's upsetting your daughter...kids are cranky for a reason and although it's helpful sometimes to ask others for advice, this is very specific to your situation so you'd have to get that answer from your child/ex...just trying to rule out all possibilities but is it possible he's abusive?

Thank you Nadia for being brave enough to mention the unthinkable that no one wants to mention! Of course your child may just be experiencing normal stress from the separation. Children show us there is a problem by being distressed and cranky and this is a warning sign, but it's only one warning sign. I don't know you or your ex but from an outsider's point of view I would only suggest to keep your eyes and ears open to all possibilities.

Kerri - posted on 01/05/2010

Oh boy, this simple question about possible reasons why her daughter is cranky has quickly turned into religious debate of whether Shaina and the father should get married, when we don't even know if they are married or not. That wasn't the question. Let's please stick to what people are asking vs. making them feel inadequate by jumping to a conclusion. If she wants religious or counseling advice, she would ask for it.

Melinda - posted on 01/05/2010

Jenni you can't be much of a practicing Christian yourself since the Bible makes it clear that "THOU SHALL NOT JUDGE." So it's okay for you to condemn and preach to everyone about your so-called beliefs but ignore other rules and commandments that you claim to live by? Sorry everyone but it really bothers me and my religious beliefs are not Christian but I am close with many and a good, true Christian would never take judgement because they know that this is God's right and His alone.

Nadia - posted on 01/05/2010

Jenni - it's great that you feel stongly about your beliefs but telling Shaina to ask God for forgiveness is not going to give her the answers she's looking for right now. Also, how do you know why she seperated from her partner...for you to imply that she should be forgiving "not 7 x's but 700 times" is mad if you don't know the situation.

Nadia - posted on 01/05/2010

I would definitely explore what it is that's upsetting your daughter...kids are cranky for a reason and although it's helpful sometimes to ask others for advice, this is very specific to your situation so you'd have to get that answer from your child/ex...just trying to rule out all possibilities but is it possible he's abusive?

Jackie - posted on 01/05/2010

Kids often are cranky and upset after a separation from the primary caregiver, in this case Mom. They are safest with Mom so as soon as they see you they let out all the emotion/ stress possibly that they have been bottling up. Same with daycare kids, they will cry as soon as they see their parents and get cranky at home. They do not know how to communicate their emotions like us adults so it just ALL comes out at the end of the day. Same as adults, we hold stuff in at work or with others only to let it out on who we love theg most, often our husbands or family. I hope this helps. I was a child of a Divorce and saw my Father on weekends but very infrequent. Kids will adjust....life is not a perfect box and it sounds like you are a caring supportive Mother. Do not feel guilty for making a decision to better yourself....this is a GOOD example for your children to know how to take care of themselves. Good Luck!

Megan - posted on 01/05/2010

My daughter isn't normally cranky after seeing her dad for 2 whole days when she comes back, it's just when she leaves. Maybe he isn't doing the things you do for your child...having an open talk with him about why you think your child may be cranky may be the best thing for you.

Alison - posted on 01/04/2010

Jenni, people on here don't want your advice on God and preaching to them, they just want advice and a little guidance and thoughts from other parents. You have you beliefs but don't tell people the reason their children are the way they are is because god is making life hard for them, that is definately not true at all!!

Kat - posted on 01/04/2010

Im sorry but God does not makes kids do what they dont want and well all i can say to you jenni is that Hope he gives you wat you pray for as quite frankly i not need a church nor someone to preach to me or force someone to do something they not wana do coz you think its right

Jenni - posted on 01/04/2010

I guess we know who the practicing Christians are. Marriage is a scacriment. You promised to God for better or worse. And Jesus told in the Bible, forgive not 7 times but 700 times. THAT is why these kids are having a hard time, God makes it hard for you because he didn't want or plan for you to divorce. I see it as the consequences you pay for divorce and it's sad that the kids' sadness is the price you pay. God wants you to turn to Him in times of need. He makes your life hard so you will turn to Him. Pray to God, ask Him for forgivness, and I bet you will see a HUGE change in your lives. He loves you and wants to be first in your lives. Call on Him.

Kat - posted on 01/03/2010

Ok well this is my experince, i seperated from my 2 boys dad coming up 6 months ago, i find that he has more trouble with my 18mth then i do he plays up more and i think its just bubba gets blamed for something he didnt actully do, my eldest i have the biggest problem with but i have made it so when he gets home they both have something to look forward to and be happy bout coming home my eldest who is 5 in lil ova a month gets ice cream and lemonade, my youngest just gets a bit of ice cream and both have marshmellows, maybe try doing something you know she likes when she gets home, they can also be very very exhusted to from being in new place, bath helps them settle better. Talking may help to see what the problem is

Jenni, Marriage dont solve nothing at all!! can make everything ,much worse then what it was!! and it makes no difference now if they get married it was still born out of wedlock and many ppl out there arent married but have kids!! entitled to ur own thoughts but its up to them what they do!!

Alison - posted on 01/03/2010

Quoting Jenni:

Babies at this age like a routine. If the routine changes all the time they become unsure and insecure. Make some routine out of the situation. Have some kind of transition routine...I don't know what. I don't believe in having kids outside of marriage and this is why. This is torture to the child. I hate that it has become accepted in our world...and I will not pretend it's ok. The child wants a family...a mom and dad that live together.

Get married and work it out! Get over yourselves. I have made my marriage work for 15 years and it's not always happy, but I make it work.

Jenni

Jenni, I don't think this is good advice at all. Making a relationship work just because you have a child is not always the best thing if the relationship is violent and abusive.  You are entitled to your opinion and what you belive in but suggesting that a couple marry because they have children out of marrige and should make it work because they have children is just not the right advice to give unless you are put in this certain situation.  Go on believing what you believe is right for you and I wish you all the very best but don't give advice that is not necessarilly the right advice to give!!

Alison - posted on 01/03/2010

My son is 19 months old and me and his father have recently split up and I am having similar problems, I find that it's more toward me that he is cranky, like he wants to be with his dad, it's hard as I try to make sure that dad knows routine is what he needs and consistency, it's taken me a little while to get thru to him and now my ex and I get along really good, we still go out the three of us and he see's our boy as much as he can and I have found that all that has helped, so maybe it is the fact that the routine's not there and also that your DD wants to spend more time with mummy and daddy together so that she is not so confused. It's hard but I guess it will only get harder as they get older with split relationships??

Shannon - posted on 01/03/2010

After Christmas and a lot of jossling my 18 month old around, she was a wreck, it really brought home how much babies need things to remain the SAME. So, even having the Christmas tree up was more stress on her, visiting another home - even if it's a happy one, and then coming back will create stress on their little lives.

Kerri - posted on 01/02/2010

Does her dad wear your her out? Maybe if he doesn't get to see her that often, he goes all out and plays a lot which makes her exhausted. How long are they together? Have you asked him what happens when you leave (like does she get upset, etc)? Maybe you could have someone supervise their visits a few times - a mutual friend. Not to upset the dad, but for the best interest of your little girl. I'm sure the dad wants her to be happy when she leaves his house, too.

Kim - posted on 01/02/2010

Great advice, Jenni!

Jenni - posted on 01/01/2010

Babies at this age like a routine. If the routine changes all the time they become unsure and insecure. Make some routine out of the situation. Have some kind of transition routine...I don't know what. I don't believe in having kids outside of marriage and this is why. This is torture to the child. I hate that it has become accepted in our world...and I will not pretend it's ok. The child wants a family...a mom and dad that live together.

Get married and work it out! Get over yourselves. I have made my marriage work for 15 years and it's not always happy, but I make it work.

Jenni

Karen - posted on 12/31/2009

It probably is just very confusing for her and she has to say goodbye if she has built up a relationship with him saying goodbye would be very confusing and being so young she doesn't really understand her feeling or how to convey her upset other than being grumpy....Trying to establish a good routine on both sides that is very similar if at all possible will help, hopefully you and your ex partner can keep things friendly as this will help your little one a great deal, although i know from experience it isn't always easy....Other than that be patient as she gets older she will learn to communicate her fustrations in an easier way to deal with.....it does get better and easier....my children were 2 and 4 when i split fro their father
I wish you all the best and a happy new year

Kim - posted on 12/31/2009

He may have her on a different schedule than she's used to. Ask him how much sleep she's getting when she's with him. Sleep affects EVERYTHING!

Jamie - posted on 12/30/2009

Or it could be that maybe she doesn't like him. If she doesn't spend much time with him it could be causing a lot of anxiety for her to be around him, without her mommy.

Shaina - posted on 12/30/2009

thank you guys for the comments. i have been talking to him but she still comes home cranky and very clingy.

Lucy - posted on 12/30/2009

Quoting jessica:

try talking to him, make sure you guys are on the same page as far as naps and bed time go. if she has a routine when she is with you he needs to keep the same routine when he has her.

More than likely this is the case my firend had the same trouble but it turned out her ex had fed the kids nothing but sweets and sugar with out much "Real Food" at all and no bed time rules and no naps so both were really tired and grumpy whilest being totally hyper. I think a good chat with your babies father might be the best thing to stem further grumps! and (if it's possible) perhaps invite him to your house a couple of nights a week so he can see what happens and then your daughter can use the time to be close to him in her environment, if not then perhaps a list of rules?

Jessica - posted on 12/28/2009

try talking to him, make sure you guys are on the same page as far as naps and bed time go. if she has a routine when she is with you he needs to keep the same routine when he has her.

Faith - posted on 12/28/2009

I am not quite sure..but it might be because she knows that is her father and might want to see him more often.