Leaving the Father

Nadine - posted on 12/31/2009

My dear you need to think this thing through before you take such a huge step. I lost my husband nearly 5years ago and 3yrs ago I found my current hubby, there are times that I feel it was a mistake but I seem to carry on in this relationship for the sake of my baby. If you don't mind me asking how old is your baby's father. Men tend to not grow up like us woman and still like to party. I would say give it another 2-3 mths and if things don't change than give him an ultimatum and if that still doesn't help then boot him out. It is frustrating to go through life with someone who just doesn't do his part!! I'm very proud that you are studying as it's not easy with a small one, I've been there and i wish you all the best! You will have sucess I believe that and I wish you all the luck. May you be blessed in what ever you decide.

Kyndra - posted on 12/30/2009

I just read all the other posts, probably shoud have done that before. And him drinking and in and out of jail sounds liek mine did. You did the right thing, and him saying stuff about you. It's because he's pissed off and hurt. If he didnt care about you or your child at all he wouldn't waste his time saying anything about it.
Idk if he'll realize what hes lost and that he's acting like a child, but for your babys sake i hope he does. good luck. my best advice since you left him get a custody order, because that's usually a big problem, you shouldnt have a problem wiht it if he has a criminal record. go to srs and file for child support. and he'll probably whine and cry about it, tell him that was his decision when he decided to act liek a child and party instead of an adult with a family.

Kyndra - posted on 12/30/2009

Idk how bad the problems are, but by what you said it just seems like normal guys honestly. ALOT of men act like stupid kids. I would try to work things out before you just leave. And I know exactly how you feel.
I kicked my so out last year (when we only had 1 kid) because he was drinking daily and would not help me at all with anything, and was just a jerk to me for no reason. I was taking care of the baby going to school full time and working all weekend. He would imply that I have nothing to do all day because I dont work 50-60 hrs a week like he did. Umm hello all day baby, all evening school, all weekend work, sounds to me like i did alot more than 60 hrs. Anyways I told him if he drank one more time i was done and he drank 3 of 5 days and i told him to get off his butt and get out now. Then he just became stupid. Tried to take my daughter from me because i was dating someone else. after that was all settled he was just a HUGE jerk, when he got child sup papers he yelled a t me and called me every name in the book. We were trying to work things out after that for a little bit and it was not working at all he was still drinking and he got a dui. I think him being on his own and his father was killed in a motorcycle accident, changed the way he saw things. 9 months later (and preg with #2) we decided to work things out but not live together. And he's 1000% better. I haven't been this happy for a long time.
There is alot to deal with when you split up. And there was a down point a few months ago (his fathers funeral was on his bday so he drank ALOT for a couple days) and i was wondering if i made the right decision. and all thosse things ran through my mind, if i leave again i'm putitng my kids through this again, what about a job, a babysitter, his drinking, his friends he'll have around, a gf that he would have around my kids, would my kids have to hear him badmouth me, etc etc.. and there were times i wondered what if i had someone that does this or this or doesnt do this or that,
but I've realized nobody is perfect, and if you are looking for someone that has every quality that you want in a guy and that you get along with all the time, and helps you with everything you want help with, your're always going to be lookin, because nothing is going to be good enough if you're expecting everything to be the way you want it.
It doesnt sound like hes that horrible. Idk what kind of partying your talkoing about if it's just hanging out with frinds drinking or drugs or what, but if it's just frinds then tell him his family comes first and if he chooses them then a seperation might be necessary. I would recomment couples counceling though. It's a lot to put a child through.

Shannon - posted on 12/30/2009

Well I hope that you both can get along well enough for your sons sake. I am sorry for your problems, raising a child is enough work without all the drama. Good Luck to you.

Alicia - posted on 12/30/2009

Well done Rachelle and Brandi,
I don't know the fathers of your children, but I applaud your recognition that (1) biology does not make a father and (2) no father is better than a bad father. I cannot even imagine how hard it must be to raise a child alone, but it sounds like Dad wasn't helping. So you were basically raising the child alone before you left his father. Find the people in your life that really care about your son and you, and do not be afraid to ask for help. You can provide positive male role-models for your son through grandfathers, uncles and friends. And maybe you will find a different man who is ready and willing to be a supportive husband to you and an attentive father to your son. You deserve nothing less. Best of luck!

Brandi - posted on 12/30/2009

wow. you're saying the exact same thing im going through. my son is 6mo old, and my husband just got out of rehab about a month ago, and it didnt do any good. the only reason i didnt leave him at that moment was because he loves my son Gaebriel, and Gaeb loves him, too, and i didn't want to separate them. then about 2 weeks ago my husband went crazy and started a bunch of trouble that got the police involved. thats when i got my chance to leave. the next morning after he was in jail, i made plans to leave, and i did. with my son. at the moment, im living with my father, and im about to start school. so my advice to you is: if you're only staying with him for your child, thats more unhealthy for him than to seperate him from his father, in my opinion. you can get daycare paid for through the state, so dont worry about that. and in one of these state-approved daycares, theres no worry about if your babysitter will be drunk and trying to take care of your child. i would leave, and just let him know that he is welcome to see his son anytime he wants, but it will be visitation while YOU are there until he decides to grow up and get his act together and be a man. then maybe you and him and start to talk about slowly letting him see your son with just him and his child. but, no, i wouldnt give him gift of one on one time with his child if hes already proven to you that he can't man-up. i really hope this helps, because i was in the exact same situation, and had to figure it out myself. I hope this helps. keep us posted, and good luck :)

Rachelle - posted on 12/29/2009

Quoting Shannon:

Please try & work it out. Try a mediator or counseling, something first. You obviously loved him enough to have a child with him so try to get back to that point. Whatever you decide, both of you try to be fair as possible & put your son first before anything else. If you go your seperate ways, he deserves to know his parents equally. I pray for you & your family.

ha. i broke up with him what 2 days ago?...he's telling ppl that he wanted to get out of the relationship anyway, and that he does more for our son than i do, that i'm a crazy B*tch and blah blah blah..i def made the right decision.

Shannon - posted on 12/29/2009

Please try & work it out. Try a mediator or counseling, something first. You obviously loved him enough to have a child with him so try to get back to that point. Whatever you decide, both of you try to be fair as possible & put your son first before anything else. If you go your seperate ways, he deserves to know his parents equally. I pray for you & your family.

Sara - posted on 12/29/2009

good job! its gonna be very hard now, but no matter how hard it gets just know that your doing for your son, and if he ever does decide to chage his ways and man up and be a part of his sons life just let him know that it will take a loooong time to build up the trust again, and if hes willing to do that and stick with it and try, then go for it.! good luck! i hope it works out for you, but you did the right thing, for you and your son. dont settle.

ALICIA - posted on 12/28/2009

i wish i could say the same. my son is going to be 7 months and im raising him alone. i left my sons dad a little over two months ago for the same reasons. and like you i didnt want to take my son from his father but he was the one who choose to distance himself. he hast seen my son since we broke up for the same fact that he found someone else who doesnt want im around his son. as for you thinking there arent very many men out there who wont except you with a child, lose that mentality. if a guy is gana like and want you they will except you.

Frances - posted on 12/27/2009

Best of luck Rachelle

Rachelle - posted on 12/27/2009

I WOULD LIKE TO THANK EVERYONE FOR THE ADVICE..I DECIDED TO LEAVE HIM. THE LAST STRAW WAS HOW HE TOLD ME HE WAS GOING TO PARTY ON NEW YEARS EVE AFTER HE TOLD ME THAT HE WOULD STAY HOW FOR ONCE SO I COULD HAVE A NIGHT OUT. HE ONLY THINKS ABOUT HIM AND IM SICK OF IT. THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR ADVICE THOUGH, IT HELPS KNOWING I'M NOT ALONE IN THIS.

Ava - posted on 12/27/2009

I'm going to be a little more blunt than everyone else I think. I don't know how old either of you are, but generally a man who likes to party will not change until years down the road. It's a lifestyle choice. It's a lifestyle choice that affects the health of a marriage or family. Take for instance the show '16 and Pregnant' and its follow up 'Teen Mom', the girl 'Maci' who is dealing with a boyfriend who stays out until 6 AM partying and dancing with other women and drinking, saying 'I'm going to go party with the guys, what are you going to do?' - 'Stay home with Bentley obviously.' This is not a healthy relationship to have and that boy, and your man, will probably not change until it's too late for your child. My advice is to leave him and try to make the best of your life. The matter of the child? Take him with you if you can be financially stable. You will have to find a babysitter willing to watch the child---a family member, or a friend, or someone you trust that can be paid---in order to hold a job. Being a single mother is hard. But letting the child live with a dad who doesn't want to acknowledge the child's existence or take up that responsibility doesn't need to have custody of that child, because it will only lead to neglect. Fathers like that should get weekend visits, or monthly visits. Perhaps after before making that decision, you should enter couples' counseling first to see if there's a way to work around it. But from my experience that type of lifestyle is simply a preference/choice, and he was obviously not ready for a child. And you should not have to wait around for him and deal with that behavior until he becomes ready.

Tasneem - posted on 12/27/2009

Quoting Rachelle:

Its really bad that he chooses to drink over his childs needs. If he does something like this when he is out getting formula then God knows what he will do when he is out with your baby. He has some big problems to take care of in his life. A child does not need this kind of environment. Your boy friend lacks will and not much can be done with a person with no will.

You are definitely on the right track leaving him then!! Try to get some legal help on how often he can meet your child, that will also ensure that he keeps him safe. I would personaly keep my child away from a person like him as much as  I can. You are not being mean but just protective like any mother.

Hope things work for you. God bless you and your baby. Start a new life and dont worry too much about if a guy will accept you since you have a baby. God has his ways and you will find someone who will not only care for you but also love your child as his. Just take your time.

Best of luck.!

Quoting Tasneem:

Why would you want to leave your six month old in the first place? Pregnancy and a child's responsibility is huge. It can stress both of you. were you always fighting even when you did not have a baby? May be you should give each other a break and time away.

From the time I got pregnant until my baby was six months I was having a similar situation. I just could not stand the sight of my husband. We gave eachother a break. I took my baby and stayed at my mothers for a month and waited for him to call me back home, when he wanted me back and was willing to make this relationship work. Which he eventually did. Things are much better now.

Its easy to have a baby...its hard to raise a baby and separation is not something you want to put that little angel through. Try to make it work.

If i left him i wouldn't be leaving my child, but i dont believe in not letting a father see their child just to be mean, and when he did have him i want to know that my son will be safe. and to answer ur question about how we were before our child, we did fight and 2 months before i had our child he was away in rehab, got out and that day got drunk. I had a c-section with my child and for a month i had to stay at my moms bc he left any chance he got or tried to pawn me off on someone else. I was sore, and also had started leaking spinal fluid and was told to stay laying flat on my back to let it heal. I was basically useless to my child except to breastfeed.  I"ve been contemplating leaving him since my son was about 3mths old. I've talked to him calmly about what is upsetting me..heck i've even screamed it at him. One night he went out to get formula and bottles at 5pm..by 10 he wasn't back so i called him and he was drunk. At 1am i went looking for my car, found it with the mirror ripped off and the breaks screwed up ..he came home at 6 a.m. The only reason i'm still with him is because i know he loves his son and his son loves him.

Dawn - posted on 12/27/2009

I understand about how your (boyfriend) can drive you nutty! My boyfriend drives me nuts too. He does have some good qualities though, does yours? Do you two sit down and talk about your problems together? I find It does help to talk It out. Also, I have a therapist that I go see once a week which really helps me put things into prospective and I go to the the Y.W.C.A every Thurs. for my" Pep Talk" meetings. Also, I try not to have to much on my plate at once, I find that It stresses me out, and b.t.w. don't feel guilty for how you feel inside. Just remember that feelings AREN'T facts!

Bobbi - posted on 12/27/2009

If he is partying I would put my foot down and if he doesnt care after you tell him to get a job and quit the partying and stuff then I would just leave with no trace, then Id call him a few weeks later to see if he cares or has tried to change. he is basically walking all over you and has you trapped bec. you have a child with him. I say put your foot down, do whats right, and take control of your life and your childs life! :-D

Jessica - posted on 12/27/2009

Quoting Sarah:

Is he physically abusive? Verbally abusive? Does he support your family? I'm assuming you two are married, but even if you're not, have you considered counseling? There is always two sides to the story, and given your feelings of leaving him, you both absolutely need share your concerns with each other and have an unbiased third party help you communicate and work out your issues. Leaving your child's father should be the LAST thing you consider doing.

I don't know much about the situation or the child's father other than what the pp has described, but I do NOT believe that someone should stay with the father just to stay with them.  Yes it is easy to think that it can be best for the child to grow up having two parents who are together, but do you really think its in the child's best interest even though his parents fight constantly and the father cares more about partying than taking care of the child??  There are situations where I think its better if the parents aren't together.

To the pp- it definitely sounds like you have valid concerns over leaving him, he doesn't sound like he gives a sh!t about you or your child and even if he does, he needs to learn to grow up.  I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my child with someone like that while you go to school/do whatever.  I hope you can find a situation that works for you!

Rachelle - posted on 12/27/2009

Quoting Sarah:

Is he physically abusive? Verbally abusive? Does he support your family? I'm assuming you two are married, but even if you're not, have you considered counseling? There is always two sides to the story, and given your feelings of leaving him, you both absolutely need share your concerns with each other and have an unbiased third party help you communicate and work out your issues. Leaving your child's father should be the LAST thing you consider doing.

He is not physically abusive or verbally abusive,  he hasn't had a job in over a year and just recently got a part time snow removal job. No we are not married, he asked but as you can tell im not comfortable enough in our relationship to make that big of a commitment.  Yes there are two sides to every story and all he ever says is that our fighting is my fault my fault my fault. screw the fact that he always wants to get drunk, screw the fact that he always has some excuse to leave, screw the fact that he's been in and out of jail for the past year. I don't hate him by any means, but i dont see this getting any better. I find myself thinking about how it would be with some other guy. No one specific just some one who cared enough to stay out of trouble and support us. Im living with my father barely keeping my head above water so even he agreed to go to counseling there is no way we would be able to pay for that. I don't know how this is going to turn out, but i'd rather be with someone who wants to spend their sons first christmas with them instead of making up excuses as to why they can't.

Sarah - posted on 12/26/2009

Is he physically abusive? Verbally abusive? Does he support your family? I'm assuming you two are married, but even if you're not, have you considered counseling? There is always two sides to the story, and given your feelings of leaving him, you both absolutely need share your concerns with each other and have an unbiased third party help you communicate and work out your issues. Leaving your child's father should be the LAST thing you consider doing.

Nickole - posted on 12/26/2009

Quoting Joni:

im sorry but i would have left him back when you had your baby and he didnt help while you were recovering! and going to get formula and getting drunk and not coming back until the next morning! Wow yeah he really loves his son! what an ass...

   I agree 100%

Nickole - posted on 12/26/2009

Wow. Yeah I would make him leave if it were me in this situation. My sister has 2 boys to an alcoholic. It is a horrible life for my nephews and I would never allow my child to have to go through what they have to go through. I really hope you are able to figure out whats best for you and your baby.

Joni - posted on 12/26/2009

im sorry but i would have left him back when you had your baby and he didnt help while you were recovering! and going to get formula and getting drunk and not coming back until the next morning! Wow yeah he really loves his son! what an ass...

Frances - posted on 12/26/2009

I think this is a common situation. I hade the same feelings with child #1 and left him just after my son turned 2. After 6 weeks apart we realised that we really did want to be together. That was roughly 3 years ago now and we have a new baby daughter also (6 months). Give yourselves a break.

Rachelle - posted on 12/26/2009

Quoting Tasneem:

Why would you want to leave your six month old in the first place? Pregnancy and a child's responsibility is huge. It can stress both of you. were you always fighting even when you did not have a baby? May be you should give each other a break and time away.

From the time I got pregnant until my baby was six months I was having a similar situation. I just could not stand the sight of my husband. We gave eachother a break. I took my baby and stayed at my mothers for a month and waited for him to call me back home, when he wanted me back and was willing to make this relationship work. Which he eventually did. Things are much better now.

Its easy to have a baby...its hard to raise a baby and separation is not something you want to put that little angel through. Try to make it work.

If i left him i wouldn't be leaving my child, but i dont believe in not letting a father see their child just to be mean, and when he did have him i want to know that my son will be safe. and to answer ur question about how we were before our child, we did fight and 2 months before i had our child he was away in rehab, got out and that day got drunk. I had a c-section with my child and for a month i had to stay at my moms bc he left any chance he got or tried to pawn me off on someone else. I was sore, and also had started leaking spinal fluid and was told to stay laying flat on my back to let it heal. I was basically useless to my child except to breastfeed.  I"ve been contemplating leaving him since my son was about 3mths old. I've talked to him calmly about what is upsetting me..heck i've even screamed it at him. One night he went out to get formula and bottles at 5pm..by 10 he wasn't back so i called him and he was drunk. At 1am i went looking for my car, found it with the mirror ripped off and the breaks screwed up ..he came home at 6 a.m. The only reason i'm still with him is because i know he loves his son and his son loves him.

Cheryl - posted on 12/26/2009

i think u need 2 give him an ultimatum if u still love him, i was in a similar situation years ago, nothing was changing so i pulled back stopped running after him an basically told him when we were more important than everybody else in his life let me no. it took a while, he came back without me asking an slowly changed an now i cudnt ask 4 a better partner or father for my children im so glad now that i didnt give up but i understand ur frustration, if u love him distance urself frm him an if he loves u he will come back when he realises what he is missing, totally understand the who he wud have the kids about etc.. i think thats part of the reason i didnt give up as well.

Lauralea - posted on 12/25/2009

I have not been in your situation before but I do think that you have to put your son first. I believe that you will do the right thing if his needs area being met. Does the father of your child feel the same way as you do? One thing I do know is that if you do split and he has visitation, you DO NOT have say over who, what, when and where, unless he has to have supervised visitation. Will this pass? It is alot to think about. Good luck.

Tasneem - posted on 12/25/2009

Why would you want to leave your six month old in the first place? Pregnancy and a child's responsibility is huge. It can stress both of you. were you always fighting even when you did not have a baby? May be you should give each other a break and time away.



From the time I got pregnant until my baby was six months I was having a similar situation. I just could not stand the sight of my husband. We gave eachother a break. I took my baby and stayed at my mothers for a month and waited for him to call me back home, when he wanted me back and was willing to make this relationship work. Which he eventually did. Things are much better now.



Its easy to have a baby...its hard to raise a baby and separation is not something you want to put that little angel through. Try to make it work.