Relationship woes... Need some advice

Megan - posted on 06/14/2010 ( 11 moms have responded )

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My boyfriend and I just celebrated our son's 1st birthday. It was a wonderful day even though the weather did not cooperate. Overall, though, are relationship is far from good. For a long time (probably at LEAST the last 6 months) I feel like we are roommates, and I am the roommate he wishes would just leave already. We weren't dating very long at all before we got pregnant, so I understand that it makes it more difficult to know if we belong together. We both want it to work, but so far it isn't. He never wants to talk about it, and I don't know how to make things better- or if I even should. I will want to break things off sometimes- more for his benefit than mine. I still love him to death, but I don't feel like he feels the same- but then I look at our son, and I picture driving him over here to pick him up or drop him off for the weekend, and I just break down. I am so confused as to what to do. I don't know if my boyfriend wants to work things out, and if he says he does- things get better for a couple days and then it is back to normal. I have brought this up with him once or twice since our son was born, and we are good for a while, and then it is back to our normal ways. We don't argue- ever. I know I make him mad at times, but he says I don't. He wants zero confrontation, and I can't even count the number of times in the past couple months where the only words spoken between us are "goodnight"

I tell him I love him at least once a day, usually he says it back, but just once I'd like to hear it from him first. I don't feel like he says it because he means it, but just to shut me up. Don't get me wrong, my boyfriend really is a wonderful guy, and so nice. He would do anything for his son, and he treats me very well. But I think that may be part of the problem- he is too nice and does not want confrontation. He wants it to work badly enough that he just keeps his mouth shut- all the time.

I don't know what to do. He is definitely the breadwinner- so it would be really tough to move out on my own- and I know there are a lot of resources for single mom's out there, but it's scary. I love where we live, I love just about everything- I just do NOT know how to get us back to being us. I am terrified of being a single mom. I know it's not the worst thing in the world, but I am just terrified to not have him around. Our relationship is falling apart at the seams and I don't know what to do about it. Do I fight for it, or do I just give it up already??? Please help!!!

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Caroline - posted on 06/16/2010

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you guys need tym alone together.. spend a weekend alone to rekindle e romance. thea is nothing wrong with the two of u. in fact i think its really nice that ur boyfriend is thea for the both of you. so tk heart dear everything will be ok. And may be his stressed about something thats why his a bit withdrawn. just ask him if there is something thats been botherin him lately, it may jus be work related not because of you. :-)

Megan - posted on 06/15/2010

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thank you so much for all of your advice. I am definitely going to be trying harder on my end of things. I guess I just expect results immediately, and I know that is not possible.

Brenda - posted on 06/15/2010

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I feel your pain. This last year has been a real strain on out marriage. Just a few days ago I managed a good talk with my husband and believe it or not he feels replaced by the baby! He loves her to death and didn't want to admit it because it sounded so selfish. Basically he feels that the baby needs me so he has to step aside and let me care for her even when that means he gets no attention. I had heard that fathers often feel replaced by their babies but thought there was no way my husband would be like that. He is a great daddy and the sole provider for our family. He works very hard and is sad that he doesn't have me to show him the love he needs at the end of the day because I am either busy with the baby our just plain tired. So I have been trying to be a better wife. I greet hin with a smile because even if my day was hard it isn't his fault just as if he had a hard day at work I wouldn't want him to take it out on me. If we are talking or cuddling and the baby starts whining I try to let her be for a little bit because she really is fine and I want to show Jim attention. My problem has been that Jim keeps working later and later leaving me to sit home alone. He admitted that he chooses to work because the baby would already be in bed anyway and we would either not talk to eachother or I would bicker to him about my day. He was right. This doesn't mean I don't tell him about my day and if he comes home to a screaming baby and me about to cry from the stress he will certainly jump in to give me a break but I am trying to be nicer, be more considerate of his needs and feelings. I am hoping if I work to better my end of things he will come around too. I know my husband loves me but after a year of trying to change him I realized that you can't control other peoples actions, only your own. So hopefully by changing my reactions to our new life as parents, he will change his. I am trying very hard to be commited to this plan because I want my best friend back.

So there is my story. I hope it helps you.

[deleted account]

Megan, my husband and I have had a hard time in our marriage from when I was pregnant till now. I understand how your feeling completely because the same things are happening in my house. A couple things I have learned from my friends and family are that you cannot be afraid to be on your own. You sound like me, and you are already a single mother for the most part. There are many resources and assistance to help you if you decide to be on your own and a single mother. You are a mother and you are a strong woman because of that and you will be okay. Also, if you want it to work out with your boyfriend, I would suggest going to couple consueling (which is free if you look into in your community). It helps to make lists of things both of you want and need in your relationship and then compare. I am learning how to pick my battles and to accept the positives and negitives about my husband. We both want to be happy so you have to find the common medium to get there. Hang in there girl, I totally understand how your feeling, and it is hard to be a mom and a wife, or girlfriend. I am catholic so I started praying about it which personally helped me since I am religious.



Before you make any decisions try and work on it and try and make a plan or seek infomation and help in your community if you do decide to leave. Even if your working on things, it does not hurt to prepare and investigate. Hang in there and keep your chin up and don't underestimate yourself. :)

Trudy - posted on 06/14/2010

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i would go for counselling, but you can get good relationship books from christian bookstores and the like that have dvd's for both of you to watch and/or exercises.

Laura - posted on 06/14/2010

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i think that maybe if you show him even this and explain...me and my partner make some time for each other every day even if its only 20 mins...he can be distant at times but usually its bcos hes worrying about this bill, it is also possible that your partner is unhappy in the job that he is working maybe if you go get someone to babysit and have it all out...just ask him where he see you.....

Megan - posted on 06/14/2010

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I have a feeling that's exactly how he feels- I just don't know about the loving me part. I know he feels more of the financial burden than I do. I am currently going for my Associate's Degree and I don't work nearly as much as him outside the house. I know there are things I can do to try to make it better- but it rarely ever works that I have just about all but given up. I have written him a letter in the past and it did help for a while. I just wish he would be more willing to talk about it. I know it isn't the right way to think- but sometimes I think it would be easier to have a child with someone who did not care at all and I could just do it on my own and not worry about my boyfriend's feelings. That sounds selfish I know, but I have lost just about all hope in this. I can see us together forever- but I just don't know if I see us happily ever after any more. I don't even know how to begin to have fun again.

Laura - posted on 06/14/2010

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hun, you i would go write him aletter about how you feel tell him how you feel, i know that my partner and i werent together long when i fell pregnant with twins...its hard bcos we are of two diff cultures too.....but we do commucate. if either us cant talk it out we will write it in a letter to give the other time to reflect.

have you thought that maybe he does love you but work, looking after the baby etc are draining him and maybe he feels like you are just stuck in a rut
i hope i help you
good luck xx

Megan - posted on 06/14/2010

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would like to try that- but i do not think he would be up for it, and i know we could not afford it at all.

Krisi - posted on 06/14/2010

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I would ask him to go to couples counseling with you..... counseling is not just for married people. I have had many friends some married and some not who have used counseling to help them figure out if their relationship is going to work or not.

Cyndi - posted on 06/14/2010

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Can you get a babysitter and go out on a date once a week or every 2 weeks? We moved to a new city 3 months after our baby was born, and I had to find a sitter (used Sittercity.com) to find some nice people with references, etc. I think this could possibly help. Sounds like you have communication issues to work on, but having some dates might be a way to get more connected again and then work on bigger issues..

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