dating in 3rd grade..

Tah - posted on 09/25/2011 ( 32 moms have responded )

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okay..so ive been to lowes to get the bars for sydneys window, but before i pull out the ladder, is dating in 3rd grade harmless or does it set the stage for something more. Here it is...i was sitting in my bathroom giving rylan a bath and re-twisting sydney's hair..2 birds, one stone, and we were talking about school, if anyone was teasing, her, bullying her, her friends...an incident on the bus where these girls were fussing and cussing and asked her to join in(she had the good sense to say no..whole other story) and she mentioned how one girl had a boyfriend....no she doesn't she's too young was my response..."Ha...no way mom, people started dating last yead in 3rd grade and they do this year too"..(she's in 4th)..so i asked her if she had a boyfriend and how she needs to focus on school and how boys will be here forever trust me blah blah blah...then i remembered articles i have read before of children as young as 11 being pregnant etc etc and i wonder did it start with a little so-called innocent boyfriend at 8 or 9 years old or am i overreacting...so i decided to ask you ladies..



do you think it's harmless??

what would your reaction be??

what age do you think is appropriate to start having a boyfriend??

do you think if you allow it at too early an age it can posibly open the door for something else??

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Jane - posted on 09/27/2011

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On a side note, Tah, I know a kid who really did take his GED, collect his college money, and attend Hamburger "U," much to his parents' dismay. He used his experience plus the money to buy and operate a successful McDonald's franchise, and ended up owning 15 of them and earning more than his parents ever dreamed of earning themselves.

Sometimes, instead of letting them mess with our blood pressure, we need to let them take their own leaps of faith. They will either fail, learn something and end up in college, live satisfactorily although not as you would wish, or become a brilliant success.

Of course, some of this talk is just because they know it will drive you up the wall. That is in the job description of every teenager.

Brandy - posted on 10/03/2011

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My little guy is nine now.....in his first week of kindergarden he came home to inform me of his girlfriend. I thought it was cute they dated for 2 years. Never outside of school except for birthday parties. Sit with your little ones and have a good conversation. Colton is now in grade 4 and has a new girlfriend. Just because we allow our kids to have boy/girlfriends doesn't mean we are opening up the doors for things down the road. Kids are more mature and responsible then I remember being at his age. Honestly is always the right answer. Lets look at this for a second, if we get our little girls dolls are we encouraging motherhood? Barbies - a size 2 big boob body? Nerf guns - killers, come on kids are kids we all wanted to act the part of a grownup just be honest and keep your eyes and ears opened. Chances are today they will date and next week there will be something else that may pull their interests elsewhere. Colton is all about his little gfriend until hockey season starts......then shes out and his sport is in. The harder we push to keep them from doing something the more they want it.

[deleted account]

and tah there is no doubt in my mind that you will successfully instil that in her. I know, scary when peer pressure is soo huge. shit I'm sittting here smoking at 42 due to that first try in junior high (yeah ok agan vic take responsibility for own actions :)

but really...kids will experiment and kids will screw up. just keep that open communication going with her. don't be too hard ass cause we know that shuts them down. but i don't think you would be (aside from those bars!). wish the schools did more than pay lip service to the shit going on right under their noses. and also..she is so involved in activities that boost her self-esteem am sure that will help her be confident later when she needs it.

teresa that freaks me out. sex in grade 6. still, same as tah...you talk with your girls and don't listen to the dbl trouble bs. and they are actively involved in their youth group aren't they? my friends daughters are really beautiful girls (ironically twins also). they have always dressed kinda suggestively which I've always found odd because they are the sweetest girls ever. active (very) in their youth group (which again is odd as their mom never goes to church). don't smoke. don't do drugs. don't like drinking. I don't know how they turned out the way they did as they've had some things pretty hard in life. figure was the church group. just grateful they are a part of that. but seriously, when you look at pics of them you'd for sure label them as 'sluts' (hate that word but you know what I mean). but are sooo not that.

congrates jane on daughter and med school. good job mommy!

[deleted account]

shit those bracelets! scary.
tah don't jsut do bars. do a chastity belt.
jane how old is your daughter?

Jane - posted on 09/26/2011

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I told my daughter that it wasn't what others did that would control her social life. It would be what I determined was the right thing for her at any given age until she was an adult. I told her to feel free to tell her friends how mean and old fashioned I was, so she didn't have to bear the blame for being different. Instead, what I discovered was that she chose to have friends whose parents set the same standards.

My daughter was welcome to have all the friends she wanted, male or female, but absolutely no one-on-one dates until age 16, and then I had to meet the boy before the first date. She could go public places like the beach or the movies with groups of friends at age 14. Before that, she could go with groups to organized situations overseen by trusted adults, such as school dances. In elementary school, I went where she went. If she was going to play with a friend I had to know the parents and be welcome in their home, and often I would go with her and chat with the mom while the girls played.

But no "boyfriends" in third grade or even fourth grade. Some of my daughter's female school mates began to menstruate as early as second grade, so no boy friends.

Our high school is considering putting in a day care facility because there are so many entering freshman that already have children. That is just a disaster waiting to happen, so I made sure my daughter would never be one of them. OTOH, my brother's ex encouraged their daughters to be all romantic, etc, even going so far as to prepare a romantic dinner for two for her 11 yo and her 12 yo boyfriend. To this day we are amazed that the girl has made it to 18 without becoming a parent. She is both a smoker and a heavy drinker, but at least she isn't raising children yet.

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32 Comments

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Donna - posted on 10/17/2011

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@emma, we had the coke bottle bracelets too. I always thought you broke them after you had sex lol. Anyway, Eventhough everyone else was doing "IT", I wasnt :(

Donna - posted on 10/17/2011

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I think its too early. At that stage its more like hes my friend whos a boy. I remember my first "boyfriend" we were 5. He just called me his girlfriend, I didnt even get the concept of boyfriend and girlfriend at that age. My daughter trinity came home one day when she was 5 and told me she had a boyfriend. I kinda interrogated her, turns out, yep just a friend who was a boy, but because he was a boy she though he was her boyfriend hehe

Lachelle - posted on 10/02/2011

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NO, YOU ARE NOT OVERREACTING. I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THE SAME THING. GIRLS NEED TO WAIT AND FOCUS ON THEIR EDUCATION. MY DAUGHTERS,2. THEY SAID THEY HAD BOYFRIENDS IN 3RD & 4TH GRADE, I JUST LET THEM THINK THEY HAVE THEM. PRETEND. I THINK THE GIRLS NEED TO FEEL LIKE THEY HAVE AN OUTLET OR SOMEONE ELSE TO LIKE THME BESIDES THE FAMILY. JUST LET HER KNOW SHE REALLY DOESNT HAVE A BOYFRIEND. THEY COULD HAVE PLAYDATES, SKATING,JUST HANG OUT PARTNERS. I BELIEVE GIRLS ARENT REALLY READY UNTIL ABOUT 16. STARTING THIS DATING THING EARLY OPENS THE DOORS FOR MISCONCEPTION.

[deleted account]

jane you better stick around here for a loong time cause i am sure I'll be picking your brain in future!

Tah - posted on 09/27/2011

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ok...if tavier wanted to own 15 mcdonalds great, free unsweet tea for me, if it was his dream. my dream for my children is that they are happy and i mean for them to have the tools to do that. he wants to be a doctor, he is in AP classes for an advanced diploma so he can go into college a couple semesters ahead at least like the little boy in abnormal psych class that sits too close to me..lol. Now thats his dream for himself and I support it fully. Do i want him to be 30 and working as a cashier at mcdonalds...no i don't but if he does thats his cross to carry, but he wont be sleeping on my couch while he does it. Even if i was pushing my dreams for him on him, once he was a)happy with his path or b) successful at his path, any resentment would fade. im sorry for that guy and his dad, but so not the case with us.....

Jane - posted on 09/27/2011

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And unfortunately, the young man who became a McDonald's mogul still has not been forgiven by his father, who apparently refuses to let go of his dream for his son, despite abundant evidence that his son's dream for himself was a very wise choice.

Jane - posted on 09/27/2011

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Just convince your kids that the opposite sex has cooties. And cooties last until at least age 16 or 17.

Tah - posted on 09/27/2011

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yes Jane..he was just trying to drive me up the wall..it was the tail end of a whole conversation.... but good for the OTHER young man, im sure his parents are proud.



so i told my husband when he called sydneys friends in 4th grade have boyfriends and girlfriends and they might hold hands his response..."why would she need to hold hands with a boy???..is she off balance??".....

Tah - posted on 09/27/2011

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im not thinking that in 4th grade she is going to be having sex, but im not going to allow her to have a boyfriend in 6th grade, or 8th grade for that matter so im setting the standards now for her. Im not going to say okay it's alright now at 9 or 10 and then when she is wanting to have a boyfriend or have sex at 13, which girls are doing at an alarming rate..say, no honey you are too young. I don't tend to subscribe to words like never, ever..etc because who knows. there is always an exception..Im not going to lower my standards for her (or the boys) because it may not work. She can have friends that are boys but imo thats all she needs. she doesn't need to be kissing a boy(goodness forbid) or trying to figure out what a boyfriend is when there is plenty of math to be done. I keep an open relationship with them, we have talks at night about our days and what is going on with school and friends etc so i can get an idea of what is going on in their world, but i keep my rules, goals and expectations for them clear. No boyfriends/girlfriends right now. Not even for Tavier and he's 14. A girl just walked up to him at school and stuck her number in his pocket...we have a relationship where he is up front about stuff..i told him we should have gotten a house with a fireplace so we could use that paper with her number to stay warm tonight..he laughs, but he knows how i feel and why i feel that way. Girls are getting pregnant earlier and earlier and boys are lending a little help to that and at the very least they get in relationships and often times get distracted from their studies and i am a stickler for education. tavier tried to raise my blood pressure by telling me he was going to take his advanced diploma and attend mcdonalds college called
hamburger U"....he is NOT funny..lol..

Rosie - posted on 09/27/2011

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all kids that i know of that claim to have boyfriends/girlfriends don't have the relationship like we would think of. they might hold hands at school, that's a big might, and might have kissed, but not really know what they're doing yet.
if they did have a "serious" boyfriend at that age, i'd obviously keep an eye on what is going on, but i dont' think forbidding things like that ever work.

Tah - posted on 09/27/2011

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so at dinner i asked sydney again if she had a boyfriend. she said no, i aked what having a boyfriend means and she said.."i don't know, thats why i don't have one"..good answer princess, put that apple down and get a cookie...lol...just for tonight though. I asked her what the boyfriend and girlfriend people do and she said that they walk and stay together and they play together at recess. She doesnt know what they do besides that. Okay..good enough, just checking....there is one problem now...rylan was listening in and now wants a girlfriend and he wants to go to her house, i told him sure...when he's 25...he seems content with that answer..lol

[deleted account]

Tah, that is basically what my mom told us. She got pregnant at 18... in the late 60s. Got kicked out of school, she was forced to marry the father. He became an alcoholic and left her a few years later with 2 children.

Her stories help us make better decisions. That respect made her words more potent than those of classmates. I really think that all of yours will do fine.

Tah - posted on 09/27/2011

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that is horrible. see i don't want sydney to think that her virginity, or her having sex if she wasn't one depends on if the guy can break the coke bottle lid....i know i lost my virginity at 15 and got pregnant when the condom broke in one setting, but i actually thought i loved him, i knew him from school and were together almost a year before that day even happened, and i didn't even like it, it was horrible and i was wondering what all the hoopla was about. I want her to know that her virginity is special and it's not to just be giving away and her having sex in general is special and whatever man she meets needs to earn it, her trust, respect and love should be pre-reqs for sex.

Stifler's - posted on 09/26/2011

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We used to stretch the things out of coke lids and if a boy broke one you had to have sex with him. This was in high school though and I doubt many people followed through with it.

[deleted account]

My girls have been boy crazy since the first grade. They aren't allowed to have a boyfriend or date until they are 16.

Considering how boy crazy they are and how attached they get to my male friends (who are all awesome, understanding, and supportive... thankfully)... I am VERY concerned about what may or may not be happening in their lives.... especially considering that kids in the 6th grade (what they'll be in next year) ARE doing drugs and having sex. I'm doing the best I can w/ them as far as preparing and protecting them, but the best I can do is all I can do.

Jane - posted on 09/26/2011

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@Vicki - My daughter is now 19, so we survived the teen years. She still doesn't date often because she is a pre-med and doesn't have time. But she does have a number of boys who would like to date her.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 09/26/2011

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WOW! Yeah, I think that is a bit to young. I would be fine if some girls and boys got together to go to a movie, bowling, miniature golf...but all under the supervision of an adult. I really think true dating needs to be reserved for 7th grade and up.

[deleted account]

I remember my friends claiming they had boyfriends in 4th grade and especially in 5th. I thought it was wierd then. It never seemed serious (not sexual serious, but they'd only date for maybe a week), which is why I find the entire thing a waste of time.

I think it can cause issues, but it really depends on what they concider dating. Like Amy said passing notes is one thing kissing is another.

I remember at 14 feeling horribly pressured to get a boyfriend. I was looked at very poorly by people because I hadn't ever had one. I ended up with a jerk because I wanted people to shut up and leave me alone.

I remember the jell bracelets, most of the people I knew in school thought it was funny. Most wore them because they liked them.

Tah - posted on 09/26/2011

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i remember a couple years ago the middle schools were having an issue with girls wearing colored bracelets that indicated what they did sexually..for instance, if you had black, you would give oral sex, blue for anal etc. It is scary when you think that some kids start middle schhol at 10 or 11..my neighbors daughter is tall and doesnt look it but shes only going to be turning 11 and just started middle school. They still do it now but without the obvious bracelets. scary thoughts....can i just put a couple bars on her window???

[deleted account]

agree "going around" as we called it was possibly different than what kids mean now. I'd figure with the way you are raising your kids sydney is not at risk of more than the sitting beside each other on carpet holding hands IF that and giggling. but what does scare me a bit is the messages kids get from the media today. tie that in with parents being busier than ever and some jsut plain old parenting differently and yeah you do hear about kids doing shit too young that they don't even know what it means. I reemmber some stuff about oral sex parties and it not being a big deal. was most likely high school (or junior now that I think of it). that shit scares me. girls are bombarded with images of what they should be or strive to be and that usually means sexy tied into it. being a kid is different these days. like your other thread on even kids dressing like sexy adults. and toddlers and tiaras (be it as extreme as that may be). not wating to scare you. like what amy said. talk to her and find out what she and her group of friends think having a bf means. only way to find out. means different things to different groups of kids. doubt sydney would be a kid that you have to worry about as you have the seeds of communication going with her from everything you've said since day 1.

Amy - posted on 09/26/2011

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Most of the time, it's kids just trying to mimic adults. play house, date,etc. So it COULD be harmless. But at that age, better not be left alone. Heck, don't leave them alone with opposite sex until they're 18..but....back to other questions.



My reaction would probably be asking a third grader what dating involves. If they say "we pass notes to each other after class". whatever. blow it off. kissing involved...let's have a talk young man/lady. I had my first "boyfriend" at 7th grade. Didn't kiss until summer between 8/9th grade. I was less than impressed. lol. Didn't kiss another guy until junior year. Age appropriate with activity appropriate pretty important. Don't leave kids at any age alone if possible. My parents went with me on all my dates in high school and I know for dang sure i'm never allowing kids to have friends in bedrooms alone. no matter what age.



of course, my kids are 4/2/3months. so...hoping this is a long way off. I could have cared less about kissing and stuff at that age. and friends i knew - "dating" meant you actually talked to the boy instead of screaming "ew, gross" and running away. and maybe a note about playing together on the swings at recess. but times have changed and kids watch tons of stuff they shouldn't. of course they get curious about kissing and stuff if they see it all the time. of course, my kids are watching a movie above their age level right now. Sandlot. Swearing and the kid kissed hte lifeguard. But we did talk about how he STOLE the kiss and was sneaky and too young to be kissing. MAybe just the constant talking will help? who knows. find out in a decade!

Tah - posted on 09/26/2011

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i think times have changed though emma. what we did is rated A compared to what kids are doing now. in third grade i was all about the books, don't know about you emma..lol...

Stifler's - posted on 09/26/2011

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i think we all did it lol. there's no way holding hands or "sitting next to them on the carpet" is a serious relationship. i have no idea where real relationships start though. I never had any in school until like the last year and I look back now at all the heartbreak and drama and oral sex and think that I was just a dumb kid who thought they were in love.

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