Does extreme attachment parenting...

Vicki - posted on 06/23/2011

its the extreme part that I think makes it not true attachement parenting. it kinda can't be as kinda oxymoron, no?

Tah - posted on 06/23/2011

Karen, i know what attachment parenting is, maybe its the way i interpret it, such as the part where(according to the principles of attachment parenting) infants are considered able to self-soothe or where it enocurages co-sleeping. Now i don't have a problem with co-sleeping, ive done it. I always wonder is hard to get the child to sleep in their own bed after that and is it so that the child feels secure???..There are many different aspects and people interpret it differently. When i come on here, what people consider attachment parenting is different from ive learned in Psychology and child psychology classes etc and seemed extreme. Which is why i started the post and said extreme AP...

Karen - posted on 06/23/2011

I really believe my daughter to be more independant in some ways then lots of other kids. I think it's because she knows (and there is no question in her mind, because there has never been a time when it hasn't been the case) that if she trys something and then needs help to be sucessful then I'm always there ready and willing to help. So, there's no harm in giving that new skill/activity whatever a try.
As far as comforting goes ... I comfort my daughter whenever she needs it - which is often. She comes to me for help whenever she gets hurt, has her feelings hurt, wakes up in the night etc. I've noticed that the length of time it takes to help her feel better is getting shorter all the time. She's making strides toward finding other ways to help herself feel better (she's 2 years 7 months old). Again, I think this is because of our deep connection. She's feeling safe and independant enough to work things through on her own, knowing I'm always there if she needs me.

Brittany - posted on 06/23/2011

Karen I think you are right on. The definition you gave was NO WHERE near what I've been told by many mothers (including those who concider themselves to be attchment parenting).

I always saw it as the parents who did almost everything for their child. I'm not talking about a toddler who doesn't know how to do things and is being taught, but like an 8 year old who can't use the bathroom at home without mommy there to wipe them.

Vicki - posted on 06/23/2011

I think many parents use attachment parenting as a catch all phrase and are not entirely sure of what it means. if it means along the lines of practising primary caregiving in childcare I'm all for it. develop strong bonds which enable the infant/child to know they are cared for and someone has their backs. instils confidence so they are comfortable exploring on own and doing for themselves. many parents I've worked with don't get what true attachment parenting means. the children as a result are missing the instil confidence part. hence why I say the children are fucked (excuse hope not offended as forget there are people here who don't know me and I really should watch my wording).

Karen - posted on 06/23/2011

I don't know what you ladies are talking about but it most certainly not attachment parenting as I understand (and practise) it.
Taken from Attachment Parenting International's website, "The long-range vision of Attachment Parenting is to raise children who will become adults with a highly developed capacity for empathy and connection. It eliminates violence as a means for raising children, and ultimately helps to prevent violence in society as a whole.

The essence of Attachment Parenting is about forming and nurturing strong connections between parents and their children. Attachment Parenting challenges us as parents to treat our children with kindness, respect and dignity, and to model in our interactions with them the way we'd like them to interact with others."
I don't think that doing things for your kids that they are capable of doing for themselves is something that most attachment parents do. Connection and attachment is strengthened when parents help their children to learn new things and underminded by the opposite.

Kim - posted on 06/23/2011

LOL and the I said so boy always works whenever everything else fails. You ever notice with kids in all age ranges, you just think you worked it out and you got them where you want them in thinking, then they come up with something else to throw at you. Ah the challenges of parenting.

Vicki - posted on 06/23/2011

I have some thoughts here but no time to read all. got as far as kaleighs and jsut wanted to say kaleigh what you are doing right now with beth is noit what I would consider attachment parenting. Ishe is so little right now. don't stress it. you have plenty of time to give her the opportunities for independence still. for now enjoy the cuddles. then go through hell breaking her of it 24/7 :)

in daycare have seen those extreme attachment kids and they are f u c k e d! can't adjust for shit. anything extreme is...extreme. sorry. no deep thoughts here. hopefully later.

Tah - posted on 06/22/2011

I just put him on a flight to Philly for visit his dad..and though I will miss him this summer...it's a well earned break from his teen angst..his arguments are literally researched..so I usually end the conversation with..BECAUSE I SAID SO BOY...lmbo..

Kim - posted on 06/22/2011

I am far from perfect. Yes they are all uniquely different. I think you also raised a great question, is it we the parents that need to be needed. My response depending, I know my own parents needed to be needed as we got older and started our own families, which can be very daunting I may add. Positive and negative reinforcement works well as a method. Oh so you have a 14 yr old, its so much fun having teens with their growing pains. I don't know who is in more pain we the parents or the teens. LOL. It is an experience like no other having teens.

Tah - posted on 06/22/2011

O no one here is perfect...lol, I have a 14 year old, 9 year old and 4 year and I can say that I've used different methods for each, because they are all different. The question is raised because I hear often by mothers who practice this style that their children are clingy, or needy. I also wonder sometimes if it comes from a parents need to be needed...

Kim - posted on 06/22/2011

The bottom line is as the parent(s) of your children, you really do instinctively know what is best for your child/ren as individuals. Parenting does not come with a how to book, we do make errors as we parent. There is no perfect parent as there is no perfect child. We as parents will make errors, its all part of parenting. Enjoy your young children now, wait until they become teens. Oh vay.. it is quite the experience. Choices are a good method, those choices and how you guide your children with those choices change as they grow older into teens. Teach them to love the choices they make especially as they grow older. I just think that when it come down to our children they do have a neediness in many diverse ways. You do what you think is best and never worry about what anybody else thinks. The very bottom line, do you think it is best for your children? If you do ,then don't doubt yourselves. If you make a mistake, again so do all of us parents, we will make mistakes.

Tah - posted on 06/22/2011

I didn't feel like my children had to rise to an adult level, I did feel as though they needed to learn responsibility. I don't feel I'm doing them any favors by denying them the chance to explore and be responsible, ride the school bus, cry for more than 2 seconds when I know it's nothing major...

Kim - posted on 06/22/2011

As a parent of teenagers, I would say NO. My children were attached, but at the same time I always explained to them what the agenda was. Example, it they were going to go to school, I prepared them for it. I told them that they would be going to school, with other children, and listen to their teachers. That when school was over I would be there to pick them up. I think the question that raises in my mind, is that as adults we must get down to the child's level and not expect them to get to our level. Young children should not have to worry about being independent, that is why we parent them, they should not be burdened with adult issues. Let your children and each child you come across grow at their pace. The main thing is talking to your children even at young ages, always explaining to them and preparing them.

Brittany - posted on 06/22/2011

If you want to talk about attachment look at my SIL. She is 22, didn't graduate high school (because the teacher's were mean, Chris "ruined" high school for her), she can't cook beyond grilled cheese or potato buds (not that she eats), she has NEVER had a job, she spends her entire time in her room. Needless to say maturity has finally arrived and she'll at least socialize with people... still wont eat though.

She was aparently the "mommy has to do it" child. So my MIL always did it.

Chris on the other hand gets pissed when he asks to be shown how to do something and his family will just do it. I think that's one reason why he likes me. He asked me if I'd teach him how to use CAD, I told him to figure it out himself (he'd get it fast that way).

Lilian is almost 19 months and will help me start her bath (she'll get the towel, wash cloth, and toys). She'll take out the broom, take off the dust pan, and try to help by sweeping the floor.

Honestly I'm lazy. So I give her tasks.

For the first 4-5 months or so, she spent most of her time in my arms. I couldn't master using the sling or backpack on my own. Still she sat up on her own on time and crawled on time.

Amy - posted on 06/22/2011

Is that like helicopter parenting? I'm guessing it is by barb's post on parents doing everything for them.

I'm a mean ole mommy. My 2 year old knows how to get water and cups for himself. He comes to me and goes "I want some water." That's nice, go get some, don't have to ask for water, punkin!

School work. Nope. Not helping there either. sink or swim. Okay, so if they have a question or two, i'd help, but by no means doing it for them. I even had to tell my mom with her schoolwork this week that she can either figure it out or fail. yeah, she hasn't talked to me since. It's not MY work and I get no credit. why put up the effort?

I do know a lot of kids in work force that have zero work ethics. Eh, if I can't hold down a job, mommy and daddy will pay for whatever i need. IT just wasn't like that for me growing up. once i got a beater car, i still had to pay my own gas and insurance on it. and when i was older and about to leave, parents had me pay for the car myself and buy it from them before title switched over. yep. real world, here i come. My sis has a 6 yr old daughter. She does everything for her because "it's easier than showing her and i don't have time". Well, hon, ten minutes today teaching her can get you DAYS worth of time in the future.

And always being over their shoulders making sure kids do things right, i'm not so hot on either. I'm not telling my kids to tie their shoes a thousand times. It should only take a few times of them having face meet floor to realize it's something that needs done. But...I'm a meaner like that.

Julia - posted on 06/22/2011

In my experience I found that it causes extreme laziness. My example is my sister. Love her to death but what she has done to her son makes me cringe every time I think about it. He is 40 pounds overweight, he has boobs (not just little man boobs but like saggy boobs), he sits and plays video games all day....ALL DAY, he is failing in school, he stays up til all hours of the night. (he is 13) Doctors have told her that he needs to lose weight before they will do anything about his chest. Even sent her to a dietician...she went but still buys McDonald's. That boy doesn't talk to anyone and internalizes everything. Who has seen Step Brothers? Yeah that is going to be Alex when he gets older. My sister Cookie was just trying to make up for the fact that my parents raised her first child. So she OVER does it with her son. Oh and don't try to talk to her about it because she is OVER sensitive about it as well. But I mean what do I know I don't have a teenager, I don't know what I am talking about.

Kaleigh - posted on 06/21/2011

The choice was taken from me with my first, you all know that Aiden is very independant and had attachment issues from the get go as in he had no attachment to anyone or anything and it caused him some issues. Now Aiden is very self sufficient and wants to do everything on his own, he even comes across as anti social at times. This time around with Beth she is as I had hoped a total mommy-suck...which makes me wonder if she will do as well later on. Going from one extreme to the other I think Aiden's way of being will be better in the long run with regard to school and his ability to provide for himself as an adult. Though I could see these things being a bit of a problem with Beth I could see her having an easier time with regard to relasionships and social interaction when shes older. It isnt always a bad thing to need/want other people or to go for mom for help but I do agree that any extreme is unhealthy. Aiden's excessive independant nature isolates him from others, Beth's excessive need for mom might do the same but for a difference reason. My goal is to encourage balance for both of them.

Tah - posted on 06/21/2011

Some parents limit the outside influence I've found. Or if they visit grand mom..mommy has to be there the whole time..etc. I have independent children. I instill that in them though. Here is your laundry basket, this is how you separate clothes..this is how much detergent you add etc. Now I see nothing wrong with a child crying for a few moments while I tinkle, or waking up and playing with his toes in the morning until I can get over to pick him up. I think it teaches them alot and if you become a track star running to their every wimper how do they learn?

Barb - posted on 06/21/2011

I was just thinking of this the other day. If we do everything for our kids, how do they learn to do anything for themselves?

I was raised by rather neglectful parents. I recall being hungry and i found of can of campbell's tomato soup. I opened the can, put the contents in a pot and was warming it up. It didn't occur to me that what i had put in the pot was the soup. I thought i had to add stuff. I found the "ingredients" and starting adding. I put some water in, then it said "tomatoes" but i was always confused by the difference of a tomato and a potato, so i added both just to be safe (I was 6 years old) Then it said "wheat"

I couldn't find any wheat in the cupboards so i went and asked my oldest brother, "Do we have any wheat?"
He answered, "i don't think so" and then jumped up.. "Wait! What are you doing?!" LOLOL It was then i learned the difference between ingredients and directions. I was way over-thinking it.

But i learned to do for myself because no one else would. If i wanted something, i better make it happen or i wasn't getting it.

However, take the case of Clayton, the boy down the road. His parents, Kay and Duane, had him late in their adult life. Kay didn't think she could get pregnant and then she suddenly did with Clayton at 47 years old. That is right, she is 66 now and he is going off to college to be a doctor.

She made me laugh the other day. She loves to complain about all the things Clayton is in. He's always been active in a whole slew of activities. I think it's because she is overly doting and Clayton is trying to escape it. But anyway, she was saying he wants to be a doctor. I said that's great he has such a goal. she said "yeah, but you know how he gets to be a dr?" i said "by going to college?" she said "by taking us to the poor house" LOL

Clayton is a miracle child and poor Kay, her life and breath is that boy. I'm going to have to engage her in some activity to keep her from going nuts after he leaves July 1st.

She is what i would call "extreme attachment parenting". Clayton isn't needy though, he's lazy. He doesn't have to do anything because mom will do it. He doesn't have to be responsible because if he forgets something, mom will bring it to him. I think Kay likes to be needed as much as he needs her, so she enables it.

However, Clayton is independent in things he wants to do. He does cross country running and brought home a couple of trophies. For that, you have to be pretty self motivated.
He also got himself an internship in the ER at our local hospital.

I think it would depend on the child and other experiences, outside influences. Or maybe i have the whole concept wrong.