MOST HELPFUL POSTS
I agree a new school could be the answer i had a bullying problem with my son and spent 4 years trying to get the school to do something. In the end i took my son and put him in a different school and he is a different child, he loves school now and he has so many friends. Hes joined the school rugby and football teams, goes to cinema with his mates every week. Nothing you can do is going to change those girls minds about your daughter give her a fresh start somewhere new.
Laura - posted on 09/28/2010
Let me recommend a couple of books on the subject of "Mean Girls" that might provide some insight and help (I've used them myself):
"Reviving Ophelia" by Mary Pipher, PhD
"Odd Girl Out" by Rachel Simmons
There are other books on this subject so check with your local library or a bookstore. Educate yourself on this social issue so that you might be better able to formulate a stategy for dealing with this type of inappropriate behavior.
Next, does your daughter belong to any clubs, classes or groups outside of school? If not, consider enrolling her in something that she finds interesting or fun. This will give her an opportunity to make friends outside of school. Also consider a martial arts class! The martial arts teach self-discipline and can do wonders for self-esteem! My niece (17) and nephew (12, same age as my daughter) both have black belts in Karate. Beyond the physical skills, however, was learning how to fend off verbal/emotional attacks. Both of these kids have a self-confidence that has been a joy to watch grow and blossom. My nephew, by the way, has always been very small for his age and he used to get picked on--but not any more. And he never once had to throw a punch. this will also give your daughter a chance to make new friends with a common interest. Your daughter needs a "support group" and outside activities will give her the chance to connect with and make friends with kids that she can then turn to for support.
You need to go back to the school administration and let them know that what your daughter is experiencing is BULLYING. Most schools have anti-bullying programs and are aware of the problem, yet verbal bullying (rumors, name-calling, texting/sexting, etc) seems to come up short because these are the methods of bullying favored by girls. There is still the pre-conceived notion with some administrators that girls don't bully and you need to set them straight by calling it what it is: Bullying! That is your key word to use when discussing this with the teachers and administrators. You must remember, however, that there are differing perspectives on what happens between kids (and adults). The administrators seem to be trying to get you to see the "other side" of the story. YOU need to remain focused on the inappropriate behavior of the other kids--it is bullying. It does not matter what your daughter might have said or done to these other kids; their reaction and choices of reacting are inappropriate and constitute bullying. That is unacceptable behavior and needs to be dealt with immediately. Stay focused and "on message" about the behavior and bullying.
Finally, as last resorts only: you could consider bringing in the media to cover a story on bullying (schools hate negative press!), you could consider a lawsuit (safety of your daughter at school) or you can transfer to a different school system. These are all optional tools to use with this problem but they can be expensive and emotionally draining, even more so than the problem itself. they are options nonetheless. I hope this helps and good luck to you and your family!
Cathy - posted on 10/04/2010
First i have a 13 yr old that is beautiful, too. It is hard to be in her skin right now. My oldest is 23 and a girl and well her life was tough through high school. That being said, this is bullying pure and simple and I would take this up with the principal and my school board rep. After what has been in the national news I cannot imagine what any school official would do to keep them from being the focus of bullying. Does your daughter's school division had a Risk behavior survey? If so, ask to see the results. Often kids answer truthfully and you might be surprised to see how many kids feel bullied. Calling her names is bullying. Are these the popular kids? They get away with it more! Stand up for her Momma. If they don't do something-- call your local TV problem solvers. This is big news right now and I guarantee they would call the school.
Don't be afraid to call and ask some of the mothers to coffee and discuss what is being said about your daughter with them. Or write a card and say that you have heard of rumors being spread about your child and you would like the chance to tell them the truth.
If you are church attendees take your daughter to a youth group with good leadership or an organization like Young Life or Wylde life. A good religious group or civic group like Girl Scouts often hold the solution to dealing with the "world." does she participate in sports or theatre? Take what she does best and as the old song said, "Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative."
Go for it!
Tenille - posted on 10/01/2010
OK I 'M GOING TO GIVE IT TO YOU STRAIGHT MY 16 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER WENT THROUGH THE SAME THING IN MIDDLE SCHOOL AND IT FOLLOWED TO HIGH SCHOOL. SHE IS A MATURE, RESPONSIBLE, STRONG,BEAUTIFUL, SMART GIRL AND YET THEY SEEM TO FOCUS ON HER. I THOUGHT IT WOULD GO AWAY FRESHMAN YEAR AND IT DIDN'T. I KEPT HER AT THE SAME SCHOOL WITH THESE SAME PEOPLE THINKING IT WOULD GET BETTER AND IT DIDN'T SO THIS YEAR SHE IS A SENIOR AND WE MOVED HER TO ANOTHER SCHOOL. I WANT HER SENIOR YEAR TO OVER COME THE BAD MEMORIES OF 8TH-11TH.
GET HER AWAY FROM THEM NOW!!!!!!
Desiree - posted on 09/29/2010
You have my sympathies... It all about jelousy, My daughter is also a naturall high achiever. There is not much you can do about it, apart from talking to her and making her see that its not her fault and if these kids a spreading such nasty things it is probably because they themselves are doing it and they are the one who are the bad influence and that you don't mind her not being around them. I would encourage her to have one good friend. If a person has one good friend in thier life time then they are the richest person around, rather than have lots of insucnificant aquantices. I wish you good luck.
Erina Annalena - posted on 10/11/2010
This sounds like my daughter when she was going to high school. I went through the same things with my sixteen year old. She did not let it affect her badly (oh she had her moments of anger and tears,hurt)because she knew in her heart that all thoses ugly talks were not true about her and also she had her family she could turn to if she needed to talk about upsetting things.
Your middle daughter needs to be strong also and not allow these talks to affect her and to ignore them and stand strongly by her sister side. She is the only true person in that school that know the truth about her sister. Its good that your daughter is able to talk to you.Yes I understand the hurt your daughter is going through and how this affect your home. The school is not being helpful and I feel this needs to be addressed strongly within the school. This is very much like cyber bullying and it has become part of a new campaign. Im sorry but I do not have a contact number for them. Hopefully mothers may know of them and pass it onto you.
Please tell your daughters be strong and keep having family talks together, I find this will helps the family to let things out instead of holding issues inside themselves. If it hurts or angers address it with your family talks.
To your daughter, my dear in your heart you know thoses talks not true and I feel more sorry for those girls who has nothing better to do but pick on a good person like you. There is only one person in that group of girls who has started these ugly talks my dear and I wouldnt be surprise if you know her very well. You keep strong and believe in yourself my dear. To mum you are a wonderful mum, you and the family being there will bring her through all that goes on at school.
DANIELLE - posted on 10/02/2010
my daughter is 12 and we just moved to mass. from a quiet lil area in ct and man what a difference.. the girls there were snotty but our problem is the boys !!! They say nasty suggestive comments to her all the time . she doesnt even have a boyfriend nor is she interested in one . she is on the softball team and loves to run. I cant understand kids these days. I wouldnt dare talk like that for the fear of being killed by my parents if another parent called ands told on me
Lisa - posted on 10/01/2010
I agree with what others have said about pulling her out and sending her somewhere else! We had similar problems with our eldest daughter, only we waited too long for the school to help sort things out. My daughter’s problems with the other students escalated into physical violence (being kicked in the head) and her self-esteem is wrecked because of it. She now has an eating disorder (we believe caused by the trauma she endured) and we have now pulled her out to homeschool her. This is the only choice we seen for our circumstances, to be able to help our daughter overcome everything she went through.
Moving your child truly is the best thing you can do for her, and I wish her all the luck in the world for a happy future.
Deanna - posted on 10/01/2010
Hi! My heart broke for your daughter as I was reading your heart poured out. I have a daughter who is 12 and she's experienced this meanness to a degree and I work at the school and got to see it first hand... It rips your heart out! Fortunately I work for a wonderful school who has done above and beyond measures to help the girls work out conflict resolution... It seems to be a process. It's just not easy... I just wanted to let you know you are NOT alone! I'm so glad you posted about it for support because you've helped me and my daughter as well... Thank you! I don't know if you pulled your daughter or not but I was doing to recommend a book that I read that helped a lot, "Queen Bees and Wannabe's! It's great! God Bless you and your sweet daughter! Deanna
Maire - posted on 10/01/2010
Its amazing how cruel some children can be today,and its a shame that the parents are just as bad if not worse. They have nothing better then to do then Judge you and your daughter. There is only One Judge and they will all meet him soon enough. I am so sorry your daughter has to put up with such ignorant people. Have you thought about home schooling ?(its a lot of work) or possibly private school?,I know it can be expensive. My daughters attend Public School too and over the years i have dealt with some nasty kids and parents,Thank God the Guidance counselors and Teachers took care of the problem in my situations. I always told my daughters that children who bully or make fun of you are just insecure about themselves and re trying to make themselves feel better by making them insecure. Maybe join a local youth group with kids from your local church,they can be helpful sometimes. Sometimes you find kids that go to different schools, maybe she can make some friends there. These schools today have all these Bullying Policies, but they never really enforce them. I think Emotional and mental teasing from kids is worse then kids hitting each other, I don't think the schools know how to handle these cases very well. Every school should have a conflict resolution group for kids to talk about these issues. I hope You and your daughter find a resolution for this issue soon. good Luck and God Bless.
Andrea - posted on 09/30/2010
I have a thirteen year old son who is also an honor student. I can truly relate to what your daughter is going through. When a child is advanced the other student look at them as nerds. It's a jealous spirit that resides in them. My son has had some problems with students calling him a nerd and giving him problems at times. He has had to stand up to them to let them know that he is smart, but he will not tolerate their crap. It's ashame that the school hasn't done anything about it. I have had to go to school also to let them know that this behavior will not be tolerated and if I have to go to the superintendent I would. That may be your next step. Also I would inform the parents of these unruly children that you will press harassment charges against their children if this is not stopped immediately. No one should have to go thru that on a daily. I also let my son know those same ones that always have something to say are the ones that will be pushing brooms when they grow up. Unfortunately we can't be there with our children while they are in school, so it makes them vulnerable to insults and ridicule. My son is pretty outspoken, so when they push him to far he lets them know to back off. I don't know about your daughter but she may have to stand her grounds with these girls. Bullies usually hide behind followers. The only real advice I can give you is to complain to the board of education and let them know that the school is blaming her for their behavior and you want something done right away. Now days there is suppose to be a no bulling policy. I would even go as far as threating to go to the news and your county official. There is no way I would put up with that kind of nonsense when it comes to my child. I substitute teach from time to time and I see what goes on in school. When I see a child harassing another child I put them in check right away. I don't tolerate that kind of behavior. Young girls have gotten totally out of control now days and for some reason they think their stuff don't stink. At least that's the way they act. But I know better, they're all little insecure little brats. All you can do is encourage your daughter to continue being who she is no matter what they think. And also let her know those are not the kind of people she wants to be around anyway. She has high goals and there is nothing wrong with that.
My son had a situation on the school bus once where this boy was harassing him. He politely asked the boy what was the problem he had with him. Then informed him that he didn't have a problem, so why was he boring him. He said to the boy, " if you are trying to gain respect from everyone you are going about it the wrong way." The boy never bothered him again. Please do me a favor, because I'm not sure if your daughter will stand up to these girls. Please contact the board of education and complain on the school or tell the schools principal if nothing is done you will go to the board. You see, they have a boss that they have to answer to. You can also ask the school for a conference with all those girls parents to get to the bottom of the problem.And stand your grounds and don't give in to that crap that the teachers and school officials are telling you. There is no reason that a child should be called out of there name on a daily basis. I will keep your daughter in prayer that God will build a fence around her. You and your family stay in prayer also. It works! Believe this they will be punished one way or another. I wish nothing bad on anyone, but I know God's word to be true. Proverbs 11:21,23 Be sure of this: The wicked will not go unpunished, but those who are righteous will go free. The desire of the righteous ends only in good, but the hope of the wicked only in wrath.
God Bless you and your family.
Catherine - posted on 09/30/2010
This is absolutely awfull, I feel for you as when my daughter who is now almost 13 and in high school, was bullied in primary school because of her weight and she was effected enough to actually write out a suicide note!!! When I found this note it broke my heart to think she felt this way! Fortunately for me our school were very cooperative with us in getting the peretrators of this vile and dispicable behaviour sorted very quickly. It does not however sound as though you have the backing of your school therefore maybe it is time for you to go to the next level and get in touch with the education authority who is responsible for your school who have a priority to investigate and if neccesary step in and repremand both the culprits and the school. I hoe this is of help for you and your daughter and I wish you well x
Tracy - posted on 09/29/2010
my daughter is 11 and girls want to beat her up for giving them head lice my daughter has never had it ,i tried to explain this to them but they told me to stay out of it this is there fight when it comes to my daughter i,m involved like it or not
Sonia - posted on 09/28/2010
my daughter went through similiar problems, and she was in elementary. However much and for whatever reason they may have decided to dislike your daughter (and usually there is no good reason, they just found a target) there is no excuse for the way they are treating her. You can't make them like her and want to be buddies. As for the slanderous comments, they are bullies, and this problem should be addressed. I suggest that maybe you try to find a group outside of school to hang out with, maybe a church, sports or club. She will always find someone that is willing to make things difficult for her, just be supportive and positive. I believe that alot of the bad attitudes that children display these days is due to the decrease in social skills in the knew generations. Your daughter does have the right to attend school in a safe environment, although you can't make them treat her as a friend they have no business harassing her. Suggesting that she may have invited the wrong attention is just laziness, they dont know what to do or are bored with the problems and so want to find a scape goat. They need to take responsibility for what is happening on the school grounds. And whether the parents believe what is going on there is no excuse not to parent thier children when thier children are obviously acting out.
Thank you Julie and Laura for your responses. We are emotionally drained, and needing that extra insight and support that you mentioned. I like the paradigm that you used Julie, I agree completely. I also appreciate the resources that you mentioned Laura. I’m going to make some calls in the community regarding a martial arts class, I’ve heard that they can influence self-esteem greatly.
Julie - posted on 09/27/2010
pull her out.. put her in a new school...
sorry if this sounds extream but these years are precious and there is probally too much damage done to fix... "when some speaks badly about you you must live in a way that makes it impossible to believe it" but if everyone closes their eyes no one will be able to see... and how demoralizing for her... I have watched too many bright lights get snuffed out by the undercurrent of evilteeness... think of your daughter as a beautiful rainbow trout when you see it in the water with its colors all shiny and bright but soon as the trout is caught and pulled ashore its colors fade and it turns gray.. It is up to you to get her into water before her colors fade..
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