10 year old daughter having trouble with girls at school

Barbara - posted on 12/21/2012

Gosh, girls are learning at this age how to become gossipy females and it is hard on us mom's and really hard on our daughters.
My daughter went through this at school in 4th and 5th grade in our Christian school as well. She's now 15 and in high school and has tons of friends. Our school had/has a zero-tolerance on bullying and both teacher and principal agreed this was a form of bullying. They finally caught the little stinker, gave her in-school suspension and called her parents for a talk. Made both parents and kid understand that the very NEXT episode would be expulsion. The girl had to write an apology note to my daughter, one also to me for missing work to meet with teachers/principal and taking her to the doctor to make sure she was not dealing with a medical issue. This little brat still pulls this stuff which is why I sent my daughter to a different high school so that she could get away from her, establish her own circle of friends. It's hard, but they have to tough it out, I cried at night sometimes knowing how hurt my child was, but it teaches them a very valuable lesson on friendship that they will use for a lifetime. My daughter has made it clear to her current friends on occasion that she will not tolerate 'drama' issues between her friends and will walk away from whoever is creating the issue. To reinforce this, she has done it twice with two different girls. One has apologized and, according to my daughter, is on 'probation for a while'. It tickled me to see her set really solid limits with her friends and not waiver when things got heated. The other girl is on my daughters 'no fly zone' list and isn't part of her life anymore. Just be there for her, let her cry on your shoulder, be as supportive as you can, get her into other things outside of school, dance, sports, a children's theater group, Girl Scouts - anything to expose her to other girls that may become friends.
I have friends whose boys haven't had this problem nearly as much, it seems to be more of a girl thing between ages 9 and 12.

Wendy - posted on 02/15/2012

I don't know why girls are this way, but I fear it will get worse for her before it gets better on her own. Girls just want to be excepted, and will submit themselves to behavior like this in hopes to fit in... Empower her! She can walk away from them, but it will take time for her to realize how toxic these girls are being. If it doesn't stop I would go to parents. There is no reason these girls should be allowed to behave this way to her. She has the right to be in school without fear, just like the girls who are bullying her. Good luck to you!

Patricia - posted on 02/15/2012

My son was bullied for 6 years, K-5th grade by the same kid. A great deal of the kids in the class was, but more so my son. This kid would kick, punch, bite him in the private and as the years passed it started to get more verbal. Calling my son Gay and all shorts of things. Every year they where in the same class because they where in a new program started at the school for dual language. So every year we talked to the teachers, the parents (ha they said that it was just peer pressure why their son was calling my son gay) and to the principle. It's hard when your son in 3rd grade comes home and asks you what it means, "gay". So in 5th grade when we had enough, we emailed the principle and told her that if she does not step up and correct this issue (our children are suppose to feel safe at school.), then we will take the issue and our concerns to the school board and to the media. She kept a close eye on the other kid, had a talk with both of them and the kid had to sit inside for recess for a week. They could not hang out with the same kids, which was hard because they were friends with the same kids. It seemed to have worked for the most part. The school year, we moved an hour away to a better school and no bullying going on here with my son. At the end of 5th grade there was a rumor that had started (thankful my son told us about it) it's one that no parent ever wants to hear. But the "rumor" was that my son was going to kill himself that weekend. We kept a close eye on him so thankfully nothing happened. I do not know if it was just a rumor started by this kid, or if he did say it looking for help. Bullying is getting to a whole new level these days. Thankfully my son has a teacher at his new school (he has been there for 2 years now) that he can talk to. She even emails him to make sure that he is doing ok and they understand each other. I told her about the incident and she keeps a close eye on him for me at school. Most of the bullying happens outside or in line. They are not going to do it right in front of the teachers. If you are truly concerned, take the No Bullying allowed approach. I did and I think it saved my son's life.

Sandra - posted on 04/09/2011

When my daughter changed schools, the first year was great. She had a good friend and she was happy. Then a set of new girls came in and my daughter's friend wasn't so nice to my daughter anymore and the new girls, although they didn't say anything mean, they ignored her, which is worse than anything I think. If my daughter would say something they would just walk away as if she hand't spoken. So what I did was I took her out of school. I think she could go back to school and not have any problems because these girls are all ok with her now, but she chooses to continue homeschooling. She is very social and is a wonderful girl so I'm not worried about her, but it's sad that kids can be so mean.

Michele - posted on 04/06/2011

Some great advice here! If that's your daughter in the pic, tell her I think she looks very pretty and sweet!
My daughter is 11, she never fit in at school and has been home schooled for past 3 years! Good thing about home school is that she can walk away from anyone who is nasty to her and come to me anytime she wants to. She said repeatedly when she attended school that all she wanted when these girls were nasty to her was to go home and get a hug from mum.
The past 3 yrs she has really grown-up, she really stands up for herself! I'm very proud of her, but it does help her to know mum is nearby if she needs me.

Maybe if your daughter had a mobile phone so she could phone or txt you when things get rough at school, do you think that would help? You could listen to her (which is usually more important than giving advice).

Try inviting different friends over or maybe starting a new activity together, that way, you'll both meet other mums and kids and make new friendships.

Good luck!

Michele - posted on 04/06/2011

Some great advice here! If that's your daughter in the pic, tell her I think she looks very pretty and sweet!
My daughter is 11, she never fit in at school and has been home schooled for past 3 years! Good thing about home school is that she can walk away from anyone who is nasty to her and come to me anytime she wants to. She said repeatedly when she attended school that all she wanted when these girls were nasty to her was to go home and get a hug from mum.
The past 3 yrs she has really grown-up, she really stands up for herself! I'm very proud of her, but it does help her to know mum is nearby if she needs me.

Maybe if your daughter had a mobile phone so she could phone or txt you when things get rough at school, do you think that would help? You could listen to her (which is usually more important than giving advice).

Try inviting different friends over or maybe starting a new activity together, that way, you'll both meet other mums and kids and make new friendships.

Good luck!

Sondra - posted on 04/05/2011

The same thing is happening to my daughter. Her very "best" friend told her today that she did not think they should be friends anymore. She spent the night at our house last Friday and they played all of Saturday. Things started going downhill when a third party came into the picture. My daughter's friend started to pick sides and started ignoring my daughter all together. My daughter and the third girl are friends and get along great but whenever her "best" friend is involved she always comes home with her heart broken. She even ignores her on the playground now. I can't say for sure that my daughter didn't say or do anything that would have made her friend madd, but my daughter has been up front about her feelings with her friend so I would assume that if there were something that caused her friend to be so mean she would have told her. Her friend's mother says her daughter says she just wants to be friends with everybody but if that is the case why does she continue to hurt my daughter's feelings? Things get really rough when she knows there is a play date scheduled with my daughter and the third girl. She even undercut my daughter when she found out we where going to call her and called the third girl before my daughter was able to.

Glory - posted on 01/04/2010

I really feel for you..boys are so much easier.I hate to tell you this but you are going to have to let her find her way..the reason why I tell you this is because... my daughter, she comes home with stories everyday, sometimes I wish I was 10 and go straight to school and handle them..lol but our daughters will tell us what happen in school but yet when they go to school they hand out with the same girls..they can be so cruel..

Yvonda - posted on 01/04/2010

Quoting Maureen:

How painful for your daughter. It does happen around this age. Why not try to use it as a lesson - no one has the right to treat you that way. Not a girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, etc. These little lessons pay off in the end. She should also spread her wings and try to make other friends. She should know for sure that none of this is her fault and that behavior like this usually stems from the other person's insecurities.

Thank Maureen, for your thoughtful advice :)

Maureen - posted on 01/04/2010

How painful for your daughter. It does happen around this age. Why not try to use it as a lesson - no one has the right to treat you that way. Not a girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, etc. These little lessons pay off in the end. She should also spread her wings and try to make other friends. She should know for sure that none of this is her fault and that behavior like this usually stems from the other person's insecurities.

Dionne - posted on 01/03/2010

Thank you for posting this question...we are experinecing the same types of things and I found the replies helpful.

Christy - posted on 01/01/2010

My daughter was the same age when this started to happen to her..I learned over the years (she is 16 now) that girls begin to become jealous of eachother and began to pick at eachother at this age also..I did as you did and went to teachers, parents & principals. Nothing seem to give her any ease. My child's 5th & 6th grade years of school was hell. Tylan never wanted to hurt anyone's feelings because she knew how it felt but over time she came to the point that she just exploded and told the "poison spitting people" (as she refered to them) all about their selves. Only your child knows what she is willing to tolerate. After awhile she will learn that people will only do what we allow them to do to us. Now Tylan is a junior in highschool and suprising to her as she got older people began to see individuals as they really were and she is very well liked by her peers. Those girls still look down their noses at her but swallow hard everytime she gets something..ex: homecoming queen, class president, MVP in volleyball. Tell your baby it seems hard now but what goes around will come back around..hopes this helped

Cindy - posted on 01/01/2010

My daughter had a similar problem, at a private christian school no less, girls start to get that way about this age, the best thing is to find a different set of friends. I know with my daughter, her class was so small, there was not any other girls to be friends with, so we moved her to public school and she has thrived! When girls feel threatened, they try to control and manipulate, so take her out of that environment, encourage her to gently remove herself from those girls and make new supportive friends.