11 year old daughter LIES CONSTANTLY

Pam - posted on 12/02/2009 ( 52 moms have responded )

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I have tried punishing, pleading, taking things away, support, writing contracts, and just plain guilt...nothing works...

Do other moms of pre-teens deal with this and/or any other suggestions???

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Misty - posted on 05/03/2013

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I have the same problem only my daughter lies about things that can get people in trouble. I have tried everything myself. After this last bout with the lies though I have taken everything that child cares for away. I took her summer vacation to Iowa with her Grandparents away, her T.V., all computers, game systems, and telephones.

I just cannot take it anymore. This child is not going to leave my site until she is on her own. Until she proves to me that she can be trusted (may take years) she get's nothing.
I figured she has to hurt to learn from it, so she does nothing but read and clean. I'll update you and let you know how it's working out and how long it takes before seeing improvement.

Connie - posted on 12/04/2009

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I am dealing with the same thing.Mine is 10 and she lies all the time and like you we have tried everything. I did make her write lines, 500 of them about two days ago and we haven't had a problem since. She wrote "A person who lies is nothing and a person of truth is something very special" It took her a LONG time but I didn't let her get up until she finished. Hope it helps

Daisy - posted on 02/08/2013

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I'm still kind of new to the circle of moms forum but boy am i happy i joined...

OMGoodness my 11 year old daughter is lying as well, I try everything, I've taken away her T.V time, (SHE LOVES READING) I took away some of her favorite books, i dealt with it in the "firm" way i tried guilt, talking, and even explaining why lying is bad, and i even became so desperate i went the scientific route showing ways lying takes up more energy from the body and brain!!!..... NOTHING IS WORKING!!

now i have to admit sometimes I've let my emotions get the best of me and ranted but i'm sure all of us are tired of repeating ourselves...
So i called my mom and asked her "hey did i lie a lot when i was younger?" she told me after the age of 10 i became "different"... I was the last of 4 kids so she said by that time she had tons of practice...when i lied, my mom would just look at me and play into my lies without mentioning that i am lying and turn it into the truth.... (kinda forcing it out of me in a fun joking kind of way).... I think that's why now i'm so sarcastic lol

but i caught my daughter lying this morning before school about reviews for H.W (since she failed her last test i took away TV time) I did get upset (it was early and i know i shouldn't have) i beat myself up every time i yell... as i know these things are just a growing process for her transformation into young adulthood... but goodness it is troublesome.

I guess i'll just try my mothers approach and hope for the best! i mean after all i have a best friend relationship with my mom so she didn't do so bad! :) good luck to all of you and i'll update on how its going now and again!

Dee - posted on 10/19/2013

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My daughter is the same, the lies are getting dangerous and she admits it in the end.. but she will not stop.. iam at my witts end..x

Dee - posted on 10/19/2013

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Iam going through the same thing my 11 year old constantly lies.. she told friends she live with her dad, and he told her i was dead, then i found her on facebook 2 years ago.. her dad walked out on her 8 years ago.. she told school my partner hit her & i was too drunk to fill out her reading report card. lucky the school had a feeling she was lying and came to me first. as she could have been taken away from me, she admitted it was all lies.. iam so scared.. i try my best, but i feel a failure..xx

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Regina - posted on 03/07/2014

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This is one of my biggest concerns with mine. She tells lies and has even said "I'm going to tell".... at one point I looked at her and said "do you want to go live somewhere else?"....no judging here :)

Emma - posted on 11/25/2013

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Does anyone know why my daughter would make up stories to teachers saying me and my partner ad a cabby girl five days ago called Hannah. She is ten ad has done many things ie lying in past but this seems bizarre and worrying. The school even phoned me to check

Tami - posted on 06/18/2013

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my child doesgood i have a 18 year old boy a 11 year old girl and a 8 year old girl

Kelly - posted on 06/07/2013

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well my 13 year old has took to a whole new level of lieing and exsagarating the truth so much that all my kids have been taken into care even thou i have proff they are lies please dont judge and think ss dont take for now good reason because they do i didnt even no about the lies as she told them at school

Momma Of 4 - posted on 06/04/2013

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Oh I gotta read these comments, I am in the SAME boat with my step-daughter, even tried physical labor!

Alice - posted on 05/29/2013

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I am new here and appreciate reading everyone's stories. My 11 year old daughter lies about many things but the worst is that she is now saying to friends that she is cutting herself and FYI she said her friends made her say this as a joke BUT today I received a phone call from parents and their daughters because they are worried that she may harm herself.

And even after all the attention she is getting for her stories she still lies.

I am so worried about the4!

Monica - posted on 12/11/2012

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In describing your daughter behavior, you just described my son to a t. Wow. that's exactly what he does!!.....then the truth comes out!! That's the drama that literally wears me out. I need help with my approach. I love your suggestions. Thank you.

[deleted account]

I am an adoptive Mom of three. I don't know that they even know what is true anymore, as lying is so much easier and habitual. I have tried EVERYTHING, and nothing has changed. I am exhausted, but that is for another day.



Reading all these posts, the ages really jumped out at me. Also . . . Look at all the attention they are getting for this!



I'm wondering if they resent all the questions about teeth brushing, etc., because they are thinking they are too old to be asked (even tho they don't DO it on their own anyway?



So frustrating, believe me, i know! Sorry i don't have any answers, but when i do . . . I will sure let you know!



I'm new here. Nice to meet you all. Nice to know we're not alone in all of this.



Take care.

Kris - posted on 12/08/2012

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What you need is my husband. IDK what it is about him, he can just smell a lie. EVERY SINGLE TIME!!! The main thing he does is ask questions that cover things that our daughter wouldn't think to cover up. He will ask for details about whatever she's lying about, then he asks details about those details lol. He's obsessed with consistency, so when he notices just the tiniest hint that something is off, he asks about it until she can't lie about it anymore. So far, I haven't seen any of his punishments work.



My guilt trip is that whenever she tells me something, I say "uh-huh" in that I don't believe you tone. She'll get mad and ask why I said that, and I'll say something like "why do you think?", and when she just stands there looking at me, I tell her it's because she's lied to everyone(family) so much in the past, I don't have much of a reason to believe her now. She'll get upset, and cry, but eventually she tells me the truth.



I'm sure you've heard of parents telling their kids that they'll go to hell if they lie, right? I wouldn't put it exactly that way, but you could try something like this if you're religious. Just say God doesn't like liars, and he might not let you into heaven, whatever you can come up with. But saying "don't lie or you're going to hell" can scare kids into not telling you anything.



Also, you have to know when to pick apart a lie. You might not want to pick apart every single one, but I would about something that just screams "I'm a big fat ugly lie!" lol



You could try a lie jar. It's exactly like a swear jar, only with lies. I think lying is worse then swearing, so I'd "charge" more for lies, then swearing.

Monica - posted on 12/06/2012

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I am so glad I found this here site!! I rarely if ever join groups on line, but this site caught my eye and my heart. I am a single mom and my son is 11 and he is a lier-straight out. He lies to get out of trouble or to get his way. I am very keen as to when he is not telling the truth. I have learned not to get ANGRY and UPSET with him as I want him to trust me, and also I want him to know.."mama knows everything and she knows you are telling a big whopper." I thought it was just me experiencing this plight. The advice noted here is a blessing and I feel a great sense of relief. Thank you!!

Kblee - posted on 07/24/2012

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i dont know if it will work but lie abit your self i mean not on big things,things that will annoy her and she might get a taste of her own medicine....

Sara - posted on 05/04/2012

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take it easy, my daughter is 11 too, nearly 12 but she doesn't lie. if she every did, keep asking questions until she admits or it starts to be obvious she is lying. she may be having mood swings too so be nice and give her a little gift at times like a piece of chocolate. mmm. and show her that you love her by saying you forgive her. if this doesn't work, pretend to be upset so she thinks about her lies and regrets it and apologises. hope this helps!!

Torri - posted on 10/03/2011

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When kids lie, to start with it is because of silly reasons....they fear the consequence of the truth, they think the punishment will be worse if they tell the truth....but the older they get, they realize that lying gives them a power over you. I just read an article about this. It says that instead of letting it give them power, to let them know how bad it hurts you that they lied to you. Its just like when you are speeding and get pulled over and the officer asks you if you know how fast you were going. You know the speed limit is 65 and you were going 75, but you are going to say oh I thought I was going 65....or a response similar. Kids do the same thing. You know that speeding is bad, but you don't see that the reason the officer is pulling you over is because speeding can be hurtful, that is why there is a law. The officer gives you a ticket and lets you on your way. Do the same with your child...explain that the lie hurt you, give them a simple, yet harsh punishment (take their phone, computer, tv...etc) for 1 day. If they lying happens again, you take it for 2 days. But give the punishment and let them on their way. The officer doesn't follow you home, you pay your price and go on your way!

Dot - posted on 09/08/2011

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You are not alone. Kids feel that they have every right to do what they want at this age - news flash, THEY DON'T! Some make up lies to avoid getting in trouble for doing something wrong - but I find that most lies are to protect someone else that has done something wrong. They almost feel like if they keep secrets, they will be closer and they also get a sense of satisfaction to have the power to stay private. Some topics, however, should never be ok to lie about or keep a secret. Close monitoring and (hate to say it) snooping can help you figure out why and what things are most likely to prompt them to lie to you. I too have tried to take prized possessions away w/o much luck. At that point, I get animosity and more resistance.

Julie - posted on 09/06/2011

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Hiya it sounds as if she's saying what she thinks makes u tic or wat she would like things to be like I would defo stop the sleepovers and tell her its incase she lies about someone or somthing And u won't no who to beleve and cut her money coz if she's got all those brothers n sister to share with life won't be so good am sure of it play her at her own game she won't like it and hopefuly shel see just how horible it is when u tell her friends she's not in because you Dident no and uve no money when she knows u have Ano I sound horible but I have 3 teenage girls and 11 year old girl so I've been were u are my oldest 20 n still lies but as soon as I notticed my youngest I done what I sugested to u and thank god its working 17&18 year olds hate liers and so do most ppl good luck julie x

Julie - posted on 09/06/2011

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Hi Pam I have an 11 year old girl who dose the same can u tell when she's doing it? with my girl she usealy starts off telling me somthing. And then her story streches I think she thinks if its longer its better n there is nothing worse than a lier I have 4girls so plenty of experience my 20 year old is the same but I Tryed all the taktics uve mentiond and my 20 year old still dose it so I am doing oposite with this one and its working already I just cut her off n say coz its longer it ant better or if she tells on her friends it may sound cruel but I ve embaresed her buy asking her friend. And telling her she can't have friends because somthing bad might happen and I won't no wether to beleve her so touch wood but its being about 2month and she's been doing good thank god as I've told my girls its dangeres good luck

Tammy - posted on 09/06/2011

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this sounds just like my 9yr old son, he has always been bad to lie even if we watch him do something he still lies about it, i have tried everything i know to do; i just resently grounded him for 1month because a week or 2 weeks dont' seem to do any good so where trying a month, hes' only allowed to go to school and back home, i'm praying this works if it doesnt' i dont' know what else to try. but it does feel good to know that i'm not alone.

Michelle - posted on 04/11/2011

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My daughter is 10 yrs old and I have caught her in a number of lies, and its all coming clearer now that I am seeing it without rose colored glasses. As parents we all want to believe our children, I have come to the conclusion that children lie for reasons. I for one believe that my child has lied and I have given her the benefi of the doubt and now she sees that if she is convincing enough she can get away with it. Till recently I have believed everything my daughter has told me. One day her teacher calls me to ask me how the family is doing, i said "yes why for the phone call?" She states that Kirsten came into school today telling me that her grandma died over night in her sleep I told her no that did not happen. That day my daughter came home and I basically had to pry the truth out of her. She said that her teacher misunderstood so the lie began to escalate finally i said kirsten dont lie to me I know you are not telling the truth. Since that day I have questioned alot and i have caught her in many more lies, since this has been brought to my attention, i have enrolled her in counseling giving her a sound board and allowing her to have a nuetral person to talk to.

Valerie - posted on 04/13/2010

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Rhonda have you tried having her write stories for you? Or maybe keep a story journal.

Rhonda - posted on 04/13/2010

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Hi Pam, I've just joined. was wondering how things are going with your daughter these days? has anything worked? i put a post at the bottom here, if you care to read what i've been dealing with.

Mary - posted on 04/13/2010

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My daughter lies a lot. I asked her why and she said because she doesn't want to get in trouble. I explained to her that it will be hard for mommy to believe anything she says because she always lie. Then she will reply, I won't lie anymore. That does not work.

Rhonda - posted on 04/13/2010

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It is so great to see that so many other parents are dealing with the same thing I am. i have a 10, almost 11 year old daughter who has been lying more and more over the past few months. I'm almost to tears as to what to do.

two weeks ago we sat down and told her that she would not get in trouble if she came clean and told the truth, which she has been better about. but most of her lying is random, fantasy type stuff. for instance she talks alot about what goes on at school, she gives me lots of details about what's going on at school with her friend and I never know what to believe anymore. latest lie was that her friend who had missed a couple of days of school, got to take her test open book. I already knew this girl had not done so well on the test, and neither has my daughter. there was no reason for her to make this up. she just comes up with such fantasy stories. the first one I caught her in was that she had told her 3rd grade teacher that she has 8 brothers and sisters. I only found out about this when the teacher said to me, you must be so busy working and taking care of so many kids. Umm my daughter is an only child. she's pretty good girl, very smart, verbous, able to carry a conversation with adults. I just don't know what to do to get her to stop lying! I'm about to take her tv, computer, and sleepover previleges away!! any suggestions.

Mary - posted on 12/31/2009

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I have the same problem as you. When my ten year old tell lies, I sit and talk with her. I ask her why did she lie, and she'll say because I was scared t o get in troublie. Then I tell her because you lied you are in trouble ,wouldn't it have been better to tell the truth. I am still working on with this issue with her.

Carleen - posted on 12/30/2009

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my 10 year old do it to, try to conversate with her more, so she no that she is being watch.

Jaclyn - posted on 12/30/2009

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Our rule is if you lie about something, you get double trouble. You get the consequence for whatever you did wrong, and a separate consequence for lying about it. If it continues, we replace 'free' time at home with chore time. That usually will stop it.
My 10 year old stepson has a lying problem and has since he was younger. I think with the little things (homework, washing his hair, etc) he just wants to do what he wants and doesn't want anyone making him do anything. We too have tried millions of things, groundings, taking privileges away, talking, we go to a family therapist with him...etc. We have many other issues complicating our situation with his Mom) but we started doing the same as someone else mentioned and have close contact with his teachers/coaches and everything so half the time we know the real story before we ask him. And he has definitely realized that we can't trust him over a teacher or classmate when we know that he lies so much and we are blunt with him about that. You just have to keep doing what you can - it's all about teaching them and not letting them get away with it and hopefully with age and maturity it will stop.

[deleted account]

These are great suggestions ladies! I TOO am going thru it with my 11 yr old daughter. She lies lies lies! and I dont understand it because we give her everything she THINKS she wants.. she needs for nothing! She lies about the little things like cleaning her bedroom... to eating ALL of something she lies in the kitchen!! Unless we go right behind her, she'll say shes done her chores.. I mean come on shes NOT a baby, BUT we're having to treat her as such. We've even gone to the extent of telling her about how God looks /deals with liars.... and yet.. we STILL get lies lies lies. Our 19 month old is better at putting away her things than our 11 yr old-SOMETHINGS NOT RIGHT ABOUT THAT!
I will say, having her write 500xs 'A person who lies is nothing and a person of truth is something very special' is a great idea... I'd even thought about it before but hadnt come up with something 'good' for her to write over and over, but this line is great.. I will DEF keep that in mind

Valerie - posted on 12/22/2009

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A suggestion when it comes to homework. If your lying child has an assignment book like Kelly's child, arrange with the teachers to initial the homework assignment in the book. I had to do this with my daughter in seventh grade. She hated it and we haven't had an issue with that part since. If the school doesn;t provide one, talk with teachers and see if they will sign one that you provide. We do still have issues with lying the only thing is that they are lies I can't prove until she flubs and says something different later. She also went to live with her dad and saw him do it for a year so I think that has made it "okay" in her mind. My boyfriend and I have done the trust talk and all the other things. Right now I am just living day by day and if I catch her then handle it then. I haven't caught her much lately so maybe things are settling down. She is now 14. Hope the homework piece is helpful.

[deleted account]

I agree about talking about trust. But to go at it from another angle, I wouldn't give her the opportunity to lie. If you know she did something wrong, just start out by stating the fact, "I know you didn't make your bed, you can't watch TV til it's done" Don't ask a question that sets her up to lie, cut off the opportunity. Most teachers and principals will tell you this, when you ask the question it automatically puts them in a defensive position, weather they did something wrong or not. so don't make them go defensive, just state the fact, the consequences, and move on.

Sherry - posted on 12/19/2009

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Thank you Stacey. That is encouraging. I hope it was helpful for Pam as well.
Parenting and raising kids can be difficult, but doing it well can be really challenging.
We have a great relationship with both our girls.. and I am incredibly blessed that they want to spend so much time with us.

Stacey - posted on 12/18/2009

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I think this is by far the best response to this question, and the best advice. Very well put, Sherry.

Stacey - posted on 12/18/2009

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Quoting Sherry:

HI Pam,
I just read through your question and all the responses. One thing that came to mind that we have done with our girls (ages 11 & 13) is to talk to them about how important it is that we can TRUST them. When they lie to us, they have completely broken our trust and it will cause us to doubt other things. We truly want to have a good relationship with them, but we MUST be able to trust them - which will lead to more freedoms. If we cannot trust them, then they will be on a very short leash, consequences will be enforced, etc.. This seems to be working well for us at the moment. They want to be treated as teenagers and respected - but that must be earned.

They definitely don't like it when we feel the need to watch their every step.
A good working relationship where they can talk to us and be honest - as some of the others have mentioned is super helpful.
Hope you can figure out something that works for the two of you soon, it can really wear you down. Parenting is a huge responsibility!


 

Tracey - posted on 12/09/2009

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Hi Pam

Ive a 12 year old girl and ive noticed her telling lies and i think it was because she was looking for notice as this year i was very sick and my relationship broke up, so the past few months i have given her more attension didnt smudder her now just things like telling her how my/her day went watching her tv programes talking to her about her friends. I try to be transparrent with her as much as possible i wouldnt tell her everything now but i try and put things in her lingo like she wouldnt know the full extent of my illness.

Its very hard for us and the kids like her hormones are kicking off jasus some days i could kill her as she can have a sharp toung but over all shes after coming back into line.

I hope this can help you and i hope you will let me know how you get on with your daughter.

Best of luck

Tracey Brougham

Chris - posted on 12/09/2009

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Quoting Kelly:



Quoting Pam:

11 year old daughter LIES CONSTANTLY

I have tried punishing, pleading, taking things away, support, writing contracts, and just plain guilt...nothing works...
Do other moms of pre-teens deal with this and/or any other suggestions???






I have been having the same thing with my almost 11 year old daughter.. I don't understand why she feels that she has to lie about evey little thing. It just makes no sense to us.. We aren't mean when it comes to punishment, so why would she feel like she needs to lie. I don't know if it's because she is ashamed of herself for whatever it is that she is lying about. Like the brushing the teeth. Maybe she is feeling quitly that she really didn't brush them. I don't know, but I would really like some answers with this one as well.. The homework. Oh boy, the assignment notebook comes home saying there is no homework (which she has to write in there from the blackboard). The next day there was 2 X's because she didn't have 2 assignments that was supposed to be done. She knew that was homework and she knew if she wrote it in that book that I would make sure that she did it. Instead she wrote that there was no homework and so I thought there was was none. So I take that as a lie. She deliberately wrote the wrong thing to get away with something she knew was wrong.. I have tried all of the sam things that you mentioned and I still haven't had any luck.. Good luck to you, if you figure something out, let me know...






My husband and I have been experiencing the same thing.  Our daughter who is 12 lies to us about everything too!  EVERYTHING - no matter how big or small the matter may be.  We have tried everything from punishment, to talking with her, to taking away tv, radio, phone, etc., and NOTHING stops it.  We don't understand why she feels she has to lie to us.  We have a very open relationship with her and she discusses many issues/topics with us and does not ever hold back with how she feels about anything.  She voices her opinions openly all the time. 



Same thing with homework...did not know she was failing one of her classes until we got a notice in the mail regarding many missing assignments.  When we asked her, she said she doesn't feel like doing the work, or she doesn't understand, but she refuses to ask the teacher.  I also help her with homework every single night so she could bring it home, but hasn't.  Homework would be the main issue, but as well she lies about brushing teeth, brushing hair, letting the dogs out, cleaning up, if she makes a mess she said it wasn't her (she is an only child), and the list goes on and on. 



What really suprizes me, is that she is a super sweet kid, gets into no trouble (other than lying), very outgoing, very loving and caring girl.  God Bless and the best of luck to you! 

Becky - posted on 12/07/2009

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Pam;
When kids lie it is a defense mechanism.If they are simple ones as you explained.They are afraid of the punishment and will say anything to keep from getting it.But it can get out of controle and get worse as they get older.Do you has story time?If you do read her the book about the boy who cried wolf.I know she is 11 and if you feel she is too old for story time then sit her down and ask her if she ever heard of that story and then explain it to her.I don't know how long your punishment are(grounding) but maybe if you lengthen them that may work as well.I have a twelve year old son and if he lies he is in his room for a week.This may sound strong but he is a very smart kid that can amuse himself and just by his time until we give in and let him out.In a week though their things they do get boreing and they are ready to come out.Then I sat in his room and have him explain to me what he did wrong and what his punishment should be if it happens again(wild imaginations and ideas so you have to filter them)and then I write it down in front of him so he knows I am serious about the punishment he himself decided on.This has been a great detourant her and he doesn't lie half as much as he used to.This only needed to be done twice with him.Hope this hels you a little

KATHY JO - posted on 12/07/2009

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WELL--WHERE TO START--FIRST TAKE A DEEP BREATHE--BLOW IT OUT!!!???!!

I WENT THROUGH THE SAME THING!?! PUT A LITTLE FAITH IN YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILD -SIT DOWN WITH THEM AND EXPLAIN TO THEM THAT THINGS ARE GOING TO BE DIFFERENT --EVERYTIME FROM HERE ON OUT --YOU GIVE ME TRUST THEN I WILL GTIVE YOU TRUST IT GOT TO BE EARNED--BY GOING OUT WITH FRIENDS ETC......MY STORY IS A LONG BOOK...CAN GO ON FOREVER BUT MY DAUGHTER TURNED OUT A OK--IS GETTING READY TO GO TO COLLEGE NOW!!!!

Sherry - posted on 12/04/2009

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HI Pam,
I just read through your question and all the responses. One thing that came to mind that we have done with our girls (ages 11 & 13) is to talk to them about how important it is that we can TRUST them. When they lie to us, they have completely broken our trust and it will cause us to doubt other things. We truly want to have a good relationship with them, but we MUST be able to trust them - which will lead to more freedoms. If we cannot trust them, then they will be on a very short leash, consequences will be enforced, etc.. This seems to be working well for us at the moment. They want to be treated as teenagers and respected - but that must be earned.

They definitely don't like it when we feel the need to watch their every step.
A good working relationship where they can talk to us and be honest - as some of the others have mentioned is super helpful.
Hope you can figure out something that works for the two of you soon, it can really wear you down. Parenting is a huge responsibility!

Amy - posted on 12/04/2009

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I think my daughter lied more to get out of trouble when she was eight(not saying it doesnt still happen sometimes). I would walk behind her in everything she was told to do. Just to make sure it was done. Brushing teeth, putting up laundry, ding homework, etc. Homework & schoolwork was always the hardest. She just got tired of me "treating her like a baby" (her words) & watching her every step, that did what she was told & didnt feel the need to lie about it.

Also @ our house when one of the kids lies or is disrespectful, they are on "poop duty". We have 3 dogs & like to keep our back yard poop free. Good luck & please keep me updated.

Julie - posted on 12/04/2009

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My son is 13 and continues to lie about the smallest of things. As Nicole mentioned, I think it has become a habit. Homework, brushing his teeth, why he was late, what he ate, just about anything he lies about easily. Punishments do not seem to work as he does not appear bothered by any chores he is given, any functions he may not attend. He is outside seemingly having a ball raking the yard because he lied about homework yesterday. I am writing down Connie's line and whenever it happens again, I will try that. Something has to stick sometime. He is a really good kid, does not complain much, helps me around the house, loves hugs (even at 13), social and has lots of friends. I kept thinking time would stop the small lies, but I am still waiting. I do not even get upset anymore when he lies, and maybe I should more. My daughter is 6 years older than him and she tried small lies when she was 5 or so, I sat down and gave her the same speech I gave him, and I did not have that problem with her again. Just knowing there are moms out there with the same experiences help, believe it or not. Wish all moms the best.......and lots of patience!

Dana - posted on 12/04/2009

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My 12yr old son lied A LOT...he too would lie about anything, no matter how big or small. We too took away EVERYTHING, grounded him, soap in his mouth, and nothing seemed to work. I too believed that it was a self esteem thing, which was very upsetting because he has so much to offer. When other adults started questioning things, it was embarrassing, for ALL of us. Since September, when school started, things have finally seemed to change...he LOVES Middle school, he is doing very well, he has made a lot of new friends, grades are good...he seems to have found his "nitch"...the lying has started to diminish, and we feel like we have a good thing going. Maybe it is a maturity thing, and a self esteem thing, I don't know. My only advice is to stay on top of everything she does, know things before she even opens her mouth, we got to the point of going through his bookbag, calling his teachers, talking to his friend's parents, anything to stay 2 steps ahead. We didn't always tell him we did these things, this way when he did lie and get caught he would be stunned and confused as to how we knew all of these things. It's A LOT of work, but it worked for us. I wish you well, but just know, YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE...! Society has caused adults to want to have and need more regardless of what it takes, lying is sometimes part of that...kids are like sponges, they see and hear EVERYTHING...at home, in school, on tv...

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I have had custody of my 12 year old sister since she was 6... she will try and bend the truth to her favor when it comes to chores, homework, or getting to visit friends. I call her out on every single one I catch so she feels she is less likely to get away with it and therefore less likely to lie to begin with. Our rule is no matter what you have done if you tell the truth and talk to either me or my husband the punishment will be less severe or there may be none at all. If she is caught lying she gets double punishment. For example she asked if she could go to a friends house after school I said yes as long as her home work was done. she had forgotten her book at school and could not do her homework. so she lied and said she had none. we figured it out the next day after she got to go to her friends... she had no tv or phone privledges for about a 2 weeks. if she had told the truth i would have told her to try harder to remember her books and may have let her go anyways. if ur daughter doesnt respond to things getting taken away then get more creative with her punishment like telling her you get to pick out her clothes for the next week... my sister rather die then let me choose her outfits. things like that may be more important to her than the phone, tv, or computer. good luck I hope this helps let me know how it goes :)



also when she does come to you with something she normally would have lied about or hid from you make sure you make a big deal about how proud you are that she chose to talk to you.

Nichole - posted on 12/03/2009

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well my kids know that lies will cause more trouble than the deed itself, how this happened not sure but I was thinking maybe it's become a habit?? like not thinking before she speaks, I would try this - explain once again the boy who cried wolf then let her know when you ask her a question you expect the truth (my kids think I already know the truth) out comes the lie, tell her your giving her one more chance to think about her response give her a minute and ask again you may have to break that knee jerk response, then big hugs for telling the truth even if she was in trouble. Good luck

Kelly - posted on 12/03/2009

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Quoting Pam:

11 year old daughter LIES CONSTANTLY

I have tried punishing, pleading, taking things away, support, writing contracts, and just plain guilt...nothing works...
Do other moms of pre-teens deal with this and/or any other suggestions???



I have been having the same thing with my almost 11 year old daughter.. I don't understand why she feels that she has to lie about evey little thing. It just makes no sense to us.. We aren't mean when it comes to punishment, so why would she feel like she needs to lie. I don't know if it's because she is ashamed of herself for whatever it is that she is lying about. Like the brushing the teeth. Maybe she is feeling quitly that she really didn't brush them. I don't know, but I would really like some answers with this one as well.. The homework. Oh boy, the assignment notebook comes home saying there is no homework (which she has to write in there from the blackboard). The next day there was 2 X's because she didn't have 2 assignments that was supposed to be done. She knew that was homework and she knew if she wrote it in that book that I would make sure that she did it. Instead she wrote that there was no homework and so I thought there was was none. So I take that as a lie. She deliberately wrote the wrong thing to get away with something she knew was wrong.. I have tried all of the sam things that you mentioned and I still haven't had any luck.. Good luck to you, if you figure something out, let me know...

Josie - posted on 12/03/2009

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I'm sorry if I hurt you by my reponse I did not mean to hurt or offend you, sorry

Pam - posted on 12/02/2009

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AMY: She lies mostly to get out of trouble...
lied about homework, about eating cookies for breakfast,
about whether or not she made her bed, about if she brushed her teeth (those are just this week!) but the worst is that she will look us right in the face and lie,,,and even when she's caught, she still tries to lie...
AND JOSIE: if you are not going to be helpful, then I would rather you not respond at all. That was an unsupportive and pointless thing to say.

Josie - posted on 12/02/2009

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Be careful I had a friend whoe's child told little lies but they got bigger and bigger as she grew and in the end nobody that new her new what was lies and what was truth anymore.

Amy - posted on 12/02/2009

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Does she lie about everything? Just wondering if it is to get out of trouble or does she just lie about random stuff? I have noticed my daughter say little white lies aobut things @ school, that make her feel more important. Maybe it is wrong but, I just let these go. If he is lying to get out of trouble, she is punished.

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