11 year old daughter saying hurtful things to my boyfriend

Tracy - posted on 09/16/2010 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Hi my name is Tracy, I am new on this site and not too sure how it works, could someone please help me with the following problem im having....i have a younger boyfriend who has been living with me for 2 years now, my daughter has over the past couple of months started seeing her father again. Suddenly she has changed towards my boyfriend, who she has loved dearly. she told him she wants her dad and i to get back together - which will never happen. why is she saying hurtful things like this... can anyone help me ?

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Julie - posted on 09/17/2010

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she si not saying these things intentionaly she is confused. she has seen your bopyfriend as the father figure and now her own father is back on the scene she feels a loyalty to him. you all need to make sure she feels loved ans secure in both homes and that no one is trying to take the place of the opther and that she doesnt have to choose she can see you all when ever she likes. talk to her and ask her how she feels and then you can maybe work things out from there.

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Christine - posted on 09/23/2010

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It is not hurtful don't take it personally. Depending on the age of your daughter, let her open up to you and then sympathize with how she is feeling. Keep the lines of communication open, very important. This is about her and finding her identity. Your boyfriend should not take it personal either or do anything different. Be open and loving to her and she will quickly see she can have 2 father figures and it is okay!

Priscilla - posted on 09/22/2010

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I think you need to sit down with your daughter and explain to her that you understand where shes coming from...with her wanting you and her dad to get back together. However that will not happen. Explain to her why you dont need to get all detailed but just enough so she understands. Then tell her that she will still be loved A LOT!!! Maybe before you tell this ask her why she has been telling your boyfriend what she has been. Then maybe you can understand her point of view. She may be a bit insecure right now...who knows...but you do need to help her.

Ellen - posted on 09/18/2010

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You need to sit down with your daughter and have a little talk. Let her know that you understand her feelings but that she may not talk to your boyfriend like that. Let her know that everyone loves her and your boyfriend is not going to take the place of her father, that she is free to love her father and have a relationship with him. Give her the opportunity to speak to you about her feelings. Do not downplay or deny her feelings, but do let her know that the behavior is unacceptable. Counseling is a good idea too, not only for your daughter but also for advice on how to talk to her about this situation.

Laura - posted on 09/17/2010

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This is a much different situation than the title suggests--thankfully! (You might want to edit the title--it gives the impression that your daughter is in some sort of physical relationship with your boyfriend!)

First of all, be aware that she may not be saying these "hurtful" things to actually hurt youor your boyfriend's feelings or make you two mad--she may actually be expressing her deep-down desires and feelings. She may be wishing that she has a mom & dad together, like many of her classmates. This is wishful thinking on her part. Try not to get angry, but to understand how she is feeling from her perspective.

I suggest setting aside some time for just the two of you to actually talk about and share feelings about this. Go for a walk or plan a dinner where you have some privacy. Set some ground rules: no one may call anyone names or use inappropriate language regarding another person and no one will interupt the other person. Then listen to her. Ask her what it is about you and her dad getting together that is so important to her. When she is finished, calmly but firmly tell her why this won't be happening. Try not to blame her father or be too negative about him, rather express YOUR feelings and reasons (using "I" statements) why you won't be getting back with her dad.

One last point to consider: Your daughter is also entering puberty--a time of moodiness and emotional swings. Just be aware that part of her behavior just might be hormonal! That's not to excuse poor behavior on her part but to give you some insight as to why she may be acting the way she is. Don't take it personally. I have a 12 year old daughter and am dealing with mood ups and downs, so I know to take what she says with a grain of salt. Communication is your best tool as a parent so don't be afraid to use it. Hope this helps and good luck!

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