11 year old girl will not wipe herself after a bowel movement

SammiesMom - posted on 03/29/2011 ( 21 moms have responded )

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Sorry about the graphic nature of this message but I am at my wits end. This child is my BF's daughter who spends every other weekend at my place and this is ongoing. Monday I was alone cleaning up after the "kid weekend' and found 3 pairs of her undies in her drawer covered in poop and it was a disaster to say the least. It got on my hands and on my rug. There was also poop on her bed. After bleaching everything I called my BF. This is the 3rd time this has happened and I am so freaked out because I have a 2 yr old daughter and cannot have this keep happening and risk infection to my own child. 11 yr old has been sent home from school twice by the nurse but the Mom doesn't seem to listen to reason from my BF. She just says things like "welcome to my world" and "now you know what I have to deal with". It just seems that the Mom is acting selfish when her daughter has a real bad problem. What can I do?

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S. - posted on 04/12/2011

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Well I'm glad it's not just me who has a grotty girl, we have had the wiping problem, the teeth problem, not wanting to bath problem n the making two pairs of pants last a week problem. Some of Her excuses were she don't like to be on her own in the bath, she don't like the other tipe of pants. The real excuse is she's just a lazy arse cos she knows how to keep clean she just can't be bothered too, iv laid down some punishments like if I find she hasn't brushed her teeth she is band for 24 hours from any thing containing sugar (happened once, she had to drink just plain old water n has remembered since lol) grounding n bans all round n I must say she's taking alot more care in her self but still has a long way to go. My friends daughter is like it too. I don't remember ever been like it myself, however I do remember peeing the bed at about 11 n hiding my sheets n things cos of embarrassment

Elizabeth - posted on 08/04/2012

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Do you think they maybe doing it to protect their private parts from someone?

Kathleen - posted on 12/22/2012

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I am an occupational therapist and after reading many of the responses..I am wondering if anyone has considered that maybe it is a sensory processing issue..
many people have sensory processing issues in which they do not like the feel of certain things..such as poop, toilet paper or they have an aversion to smells...

there are many different classification of sensory processing issues and it can be evaluated by an occupational therapist. many insurances cover evaluation and treatment...please google sensory processing disorder..and it will explain... I would hate to think this is a medical issue and she is being labeled as lazy, rebellious, etc....

Thank you..

Sandy - posted on 11/19/2011

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Put a box of moisture wipes in your bathroom, maybe the feel of the paper tissue is too harsh for her. Also put some pantyliners in there too! You could also take her shopping at Bath and Body Works and let her pick out her favorite smelling lotion and make a big deal about how great it is to smell good. Good luck!

Louise - posted on 04/15/2011

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Hang on here,sammie it sounds as though she could have fecial impactation.( bad spelling)Although my son was only 5 when he had it,the signs are all there.When a child becomes so badly constipated it all goes really hard and impacts its self in the bowel and the bowel stretches too much.So basically all the new poo turns runny and runs in and out around the blockage and the child doesnt have the sensation that they need the loo.Classic signs are soiled underwear,irratability,smelling ect.My son lucky enough was toilet trained day and night at 2 years old and never had an accident till he got impacted so i new it wasnt him to mess himself.Several trips to docs where 1 said oh kids do that ( even though he had been trained for 3 years) 1 gave immodiom to stop him pooing.And he got that bad he couldnt walk.I took him back and the woman doc took 1 look at him and got him an urgent hospital referral an hour later.They felt his tummy and his poo had doubled back in his tummy and was so blocked up they admitted him for 4 days.What im tring to say is i dont think an 11 year old would mess with out a reason and she probably hides it cause shes imbaressed about the fact that this is happening and doesnt know why.Shes needs some medication as it could of got really bad and could do some damage if its left untreated.As youve said her mother doesnt bother sammie,the kindest thing you could do as her step mum( cause you love her dad) is support her,and talk to her gently about the subject.Just say dont worry love we'll sort you out and take her to docs.I always think it could be my child!! I must admit it was hard and frustrating for me as it smelt and im very houseproud and clean so upset me to.(and that was my own son)so i can fully sympathize with you.See how you go on sammie or i could be wrong you never know it could be lazyness.Please keep us posted just to let us know if you see doc.Good luck x

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Patricia - posted on 10/08/2012

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Could either be a medical problem or a hygeine problem. Your bf needs to do the right thing by taking her to the doctor herself or finding out what is exactly wrong. I would also speak to the school and let them know there may be something going on in the home setting that needs further looking in to. The fact that she is from a broken home might have something to do with it. She maybe acting out. It is not fair to not look into this further.

Debra Rose - posted on 10/08/2012

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I have 6 children, youngest is 19, which is the one in question here, like Lori below, the 19 year old has this same issue, I have tried the wipes, we've talked, she said she is afraid the paper will get stuck and that's why she doesn't like to wipe, but there are other hygiene problems, ie: brushing teeth, period, etc.. She does love to bathe however, and will do so 1 or 2 times daily. I think I may try the idea of taking away privileges as mentioned below, and mention that we may have to discuss the issue with a doctor. I think she is grossed out by the whole idea of wiping and doesn't want to deal with it. I don't know, been trying to solve this problem for years.

Tracey - posted on 08/04/2012

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Sounds like something is happening either at school or at her mum's or maybe a medical problem. If her parents can't/wont talk to her maybe you can try. If it turns out nothing is wrong then either make her hand wash the items or bag and send home to her mum.
Good luck

Magenta - posted on 07/23/2012

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If you want to psychologically scar her for life take the previous advice here. If you are not a spiteful step-mom listen to what I have to tell you. She is simply experimenting and most likely it will pass. Who knows, maybe she likes the gooey feeling, maybe it's the excitement of getting caught, maybe it's rebellion. Whatever the reason, although it may be a little gross to us, it's not disgusting, it's not perverted, it's really not all that unhealthy, she will not get worms, she will not infect your own precious 2.5 year old daughter, little fear of yeast infection and among pre-ad and adolescent girls it realy is, believe it or not, not as rare as you might think. It will pass and if it doesn't, that's her choice.

Lorie - posted on 06/15/2012

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I hate to mention, this may not go away! I have been fighting with my oldest daughter since she was young. She is 19 and still has hygeine issues! We have tried therapy and even buying adult (disposable) briefs, she will only wear them when we hound her to, and she lies about and hides clothing she has soiled. I see little hope of this getting any better.

Pretty - posted on 11/17/2011

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i would pick her upp 1 weekend before i get my daughter take her out to lunch and have a good talk with her and that weekend practyuice hygeine tecqniues and also buy hher sme always pantiliners and somee always wipes

Merilee - posted on 10/28/2011

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I'd start with a talk about personal hygiene; give her a weekend to practice; next weekend begin taking privileges away; restore privileges when she is "on track". At least, that's what we're going to try with my 14 year old step daughter... who I just found out doesn't use toilet paper, and has serious sanitary napkin disposal issues. Ugh! Talked with her mom, she's been dealing with it at her house too. We're hoping our plan works; if not, we'll do something more drastic --- like schedule a meeting with the school nurse to discuss bathroom hygiene.

Kelly - posted on 04/15/2011

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Have a good talk to her first as seems embarressed to address this problem alone other wise woudnt put her dirty knickers in drawer....will be a bit hard to do as she not ur child but the way u found out is maybe a sign for help an she asking on the quiet side. Talking is good to children one to one so make sure your in a roomthat no one will come in. let me know how u get on..

Susan - posted on 04/10/2011

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It certainly could be a medical issue, or a hygiene issue, as others here have addressed, but I don't think that anyone has suggested that it might be a psychological issue as well. It could be she is in denial and embarrassed, it could be a defiant thing, at the worst there could be some abuse going on. But I would definitely try to get the mom and/or your BF to talk to her, but if they refuse to, I would talk to her myself, and/or ask the school counselor about it. It should certainly be treated as a problem to be solved, but stay away from blame or shame. My BF has a 12 year old and she left undies with "skid marks" here - we also have her every other weekend. I just told her very matter-of-factly that I found them and I cleaned them for her, but from then on it was her responsibility to do so, and I showed her where the brush was in the bathroom that she could use for soiled underwear, whether from her period or from bowel movements, and what soap she should use, and it hasn't been a problem since then.

[deleted account]

I had a similar problem with my stepdaughter except it was with her period. Im not sure if it was that she wasnt changing sanitary towels often enough or what but she would go back after the weekend and i would tidy her room only to find pairs of bloodstained knickers under the bed etc. I asked her to sort herself out to no avail so in the end i refused to do her washing i would put them in a bag and return them to her mother it soon stopped after that.

Sherri - posted on 04/07/2011

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Whatever the cause, parents should talk openly about the problem with the child.
When parents treat a bowel problem as a cause for embarrassment or shame,
they may unintentionally aggravate or prolong it.

[deleted account]

Here is my two cents. My 11 year old daughter who has been taught good hygiene by me has lost a lot of it since she has been doing it herself. She doesn't wipe after using the restroom or brush her teeth for more the 10 sec. No matter how much I talk she still doesn't get it. Being consistant helps. If she is hiding her undies, then she is embarressed. If there isn't a medical reason, at the end of the day after her shower, she needs to put her cloths in a specific location so that it can be cleaned and she isn't hiding them for you to find later and make sure she knows the rules to your house because her parents house might be different. I have to count my daughters underware to make sure she is changing her nasty urine smelling undies everyday, ts not easy, good luck. M

Tina - posted on 04/05/2011

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I don't think the problem is wiping. I have a child encropesis- you can google it, but it's not the Childs fault, and she as probably had this problem for years and years. Deginately talk to a dr, if they haven't already. There are ways to fix it but it's a long process.

Ramona - posted on 04/02/2011

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I would have her do her own laundry to start with, why should anyone else put up with that?!?! I would also have her talk to a doctor, perhaps she has some kind of an infection or some other reason.

[deleted account]

Oh boy.... Your BF maybe should talk to his daughter and if he can't and her mother won't. Maybe you should, this young girl will start puberty very soon and will need to practice good hygiene. I have a daughter the same age and am surprised this child isn't embarrassed. If she not yet in Middle school, you need to get this fixed before she needs to change in a locker room with other kids. If none of you are willing to talk to her then perhaps her doctor or the school nurse. This could cause urinary tract infection and all sort of discomfort. I hope this helps, I feel bad for you and this kid who was never taught how to keep herself clean.

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