11 year old, ? hormonal changes?

Rebecca - posted on 09/12/2010 ( 13 moms have responded )

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I have an eleven year old daughter, and for the most part she is a really good kid, I am a single mom, and for a couple hours a day she is home (supervised by neighbors), but home alone, and stays out of trouble, and follows all the rules and etc.

Here is my problem, lately she is mouthy, winey, and EVERYTHING is someone being mean, or it hurts her feelings and so on...I try really hard, and usually do pretty good with understanding that she is going through hormone changes, and she is, verified with docs, but how do i figure out where to draw the line between understanding and blatant disrespect...

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Laura - posted on 09/15/2010

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Easy--set the limits! My own daughter is going through puberty, just like yours, and we had to have a little "talk" about what was okay to express and what was not. Disresctful behavior should NOT be tolerated, not matter what hormones are flaring up! Make sure that when you set the limits that you have consequences in place for what happens when the limits/rules are not followed. Be consistant with this.

You can set behavioral expectations to deal with the mouthy and whiny behavior: You will gladly listen to her but only if she doesn't whine or mouth off at you. Tell that if she whines or mouths off about anything you will stop the conversation. Be consistant with how you respond--if she whines/mouths off (and she most likely will to test your resolve on this!) you tell the conversation is over and you get up and leave. That is the consequence for her choosing to whine/mouth off--you won't listen! After a few minutes for her to cool down, go back and ask if she wishes to continue the conversation--you will listen if she abides by the "rules". Hormones are no excuse for poor behavior. You can acknowledge them as a reason for her "feeling" like she does, but remind her that her hormones do not give her permission to act out those feelings. Believe it or not,the structure you provide with setting limits/rules will help her cope with these new feelings and behaviors. Kids need structure and guidance, especially as they enter puberty. Hope this helps and good luck!

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I'm going through the same thing with my 10 y/o (and her copycat 7y/o brother!). Be patient with her (can't help the hormones, I really feel for her!) but at the same time show her where the line is and assert yourself when she crosses it. I tend to ignore the whining but I remind her that it's not nice to deliberately hurt someone's feelings, be mean, or be rude and disrespectful. If she doesn't stop, she gets a punishment (I take away belongings). I wish you a lot of luck here!!

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My daughter is 12 and she does the same thing! I do the everyone feels like this but I let her know that at times, she needs to check her attitude and think about the way she is talking to me! I tell her that she needs to think of the way she is acting and ask if she would like me to be like that to her. I told her to give herself a time out if she has to and I will do the same if she is acting like it! It has worked so far and we put this into action 4 months ago!

Julie - posted on 09/17/2010

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treat these episodes like any other day in her life.. discapline where needed regardless. like you say you do try to understand and most parents do understand but there is a line between good and bad and hormonal or not she cannot cross it. i have brought up 2 kids a boy now 22 and a girl 20 and it wasnt easy. girly hormones i could just about managed because i'm a gfirl but boys were a different matter. think back to your early years and how you were and how your mother handled it and just do a variation of that. my mum was really harsh so i tried to be a little more understanding and patient . we all got through and we are the best of friends now. its a time of our kids lives that seem to sap away the sweet little girl and leave us with bridezilla with attitude. its part of her growing up and should be treated like any other time. you will get through it and you will both be fine. bringing up kids is like a roller coaster ride of emotion but to me being a mum is worth every tear and laugh. try have lots of girly time together doing girly things and talking a lot and your relationship will only grow.

Candi - posted on 09/13/2010

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I think we have the same daughter! Mine is 10 and she hs some invisible switch that will flip her from happy and chippy to some dark rude child! I seem to hit her switch a lot!!She is a good kid. She is in 5th grade, never missed a day of school (ever), Takes 2 dance classes, in church every week, never makes less than an A in school, and pretty popular. At home, she fights with her sister (she is 5), argues with her brother (he is 11), raises her voice at me and whines to her dad. Its awful. She won't talk about whats bothering her. We finally put a stop to the worst of it. We tell her every time she raises her voice, has self-pity (I am so stupid, etc), Calls someone name, or makes someone mad, then she has to put 25 cents in the penalty jar. This is for all 3 of my kids. My husband and I were raking in the money one day, then the kids realized they were losing a lot of money!! I Understand hormones, but not to her extreme. I was never like that, but my sister was...thats what scares me! I just try to talk to her and keep calm and remind her she is loved and she has to give respect in order to receive it. Good luck

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Brooke - posted on 06/28/2013

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My daughter is 11 and is going through the same thing. Sometimes she is very sweet, almost to the point of rotting your teeth, then the very next minute she is just mean and hateful. Her feelings are on her shoulders with everyone who talks to her. Lately I have taken the approach of removing her from the area of the meltdown/fit and having her sit away from everyone else in a quiet area so she can calm down at her pace. Then when she is able to speak clearly again and not raiser her voice at me then we talk about what made her upset and how we can learn from what happened. I also find during her calm down period I can take time to think about how to discuss her behavior with her. There are times that it make take her only a few minutes to calm down, and then there are days that she spends more time calming down than when she was actually upset. She is at the age where the hormones are all over the place and I' sure she doesn't know how to handle the rage of emotions. I also think that she sometimes thinks that if she has a meltdown she will get something to calm down. But I don't reward with bribery and I wont let my children bully me into breaking a rule for them to get something they want.

Katy - posted on 04/09/2013

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Actually, I am going through this with my daughter right now. She thought it was funny to stick her tongue out at me while I was volunteering during her lunch hour. I did not find humor in that antic! Right now, this age is crying out for boundaries. Their hormones are raging. One minute they are sweet and the next minute you think "where in the world did you come from"? The best thing I have found is to be to firm with discipline. Restriction and punishment work! I have removed the tv and computer for weeks at a time. If you don't put your foot down with disrespect, she will never respect others later on in life and you will damage her character. I have a twenty year old and I thought I was harsh on her when she was growing up. Now, I am glad I was. She turned out beautiful! Hang in there! Time does fly and before you know, they are grown! You want a child you will be proud of later on!

Rebecca - posted on 09/20/2010

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Thank you to everyone who replied, there are alot of really good ideas, and believe me, I will try all of them until I come to one that works!!!

Rebecca - posted on 09/20/2010

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masterbating is normal...I am a medical assistant, If she does it in private, then do nothing except maybe make sure she doesnt have any questions. She is just exploring her body and curiosities. If you haven't already now would be a good time for "the talk". We used a book i think it was called "my body and me" or something along those lines. However, if she does this with in any general area, then I would talk to her privately, and let her know its normal, however should be private, and that she needs to do these things by herself in her room or the bathroom.

This post is a reply for Carla HamtonGarrison

Sabrina - posted on 09/19/2010

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My daughter is 10 be 11 yrs old next month we are going through the same thing. She constantly fights with her sister(9) and argues and disrespects her father and me. We know it is the hormones bc the doc already said with her smyptoms she can start her period anytime now. We simply remind her of all the extras she has that can be took away.(ds, cheerleading, cell ph, etc) She does pretty good, but oh boy, I don't remember being as moody as she is!!!

Hillary - posted on 09/19/2010

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NO I don't belive she's to young as they are going through puberty so they are just decovering themselves and their own body..but you need to be honest and open with her, my daughter started changing when she eas 8..it's been a long road but we talk alot togeather and she has so many questions and mood changes but I stick with her and we still have boundries and limits you just have to still be 'MUM' through all this and help them but put in place what is acceptable and what is not....for the 1st time in 3-3 1/2 years my daughter has not bled 4 a week and 1/2 so we feel that it is finally settling down for her...I wish you both well & I truely belive it will get better for both you & your daughters.....just keep being mum xox

Carla - posted on 09/18/2010

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weloney im in the sam boat my daughter is 11 she is a straight a student and all that. she has total meltdowns sometimes. I dont know what to do either. I also caught her masterbating and didnt know what to sayor do. so help me out if you can...is she to young?

Jamie - posted on 09/14/2010

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I have this same problem. My daughter can be wonderful sometimes but other times she is a complete jerk. I try to explain to her that her attitude is going to make people not want to be around her. She fights with her uncle, who lives across the street, he is 14. She fights with her friends down the road and her aunt and uncle next door. She is very mouthy and is not afraid to tell you how it is. I like her independence and willingness to stand up for herself but she goes to far sometimes. I know it is hormones and just growing up but I wish she could stay that sweet, responsible, loving, helping child she lets show sometimes.

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