11 year old will not listen is rude and irresponsible

Janelle - posted on 09/13/2010

Hate to tell you this, but it's normal at that age to act like that. actually, my now 15 yr old has acted like that since she was 7 and she learned it from her father (he never treated me with respect, why should she?) my mother (I tell my daughter something, my mother tells her not to worry about it, she can do whatever at grandma's, reinforcing the mom isn't important message so what she says doesn't count that she learned from her father) just stick to your guns, and don't give her extra time to finish what she's doing unless it's homework. otherwise, if the backpack isn't ready by bedtime, she can scramble in the morning and if she forgets anything, it's on her head. The teachers agreed with me when I told them that I was not going to be responsible for making sure she had things done and with her. Ignore the 'tude, that's just to tick you off, and deal with whatever she's doing or not doing. (Make sure mom's on board, or she'll get mixed messages) I currently fight with my youngest daughter who is 9 and is developing her sister's attitude and mouth and she argues about going to bed. It's not easy, and I wish I could say it'll get easier, but realize she's also at that age that she's likely to be dealing with hormones, which she has no idea how to cope with, and none of us are pleasant in that scenario. it takes them awhile to adjust. (a couple years, at least) wish I could give you a magic cure-all, but I'm still trying to find it.my only other solution is to ground them. take away what they like most. won't change the attitude much except to get some snarky whatevers and that's not fair, but point out that it's not fair that you and your sister, her mother, work, then have to come home and clean the house. and if she wants to get mom's attention during a 'date', mom needs to look her straight in the eye and say, you can go to your room until you decide you want to be someone I'll enjoy being around at this point in time. My kids have heard I love you, but I do not like your behaviour and I do not want you in my presence right now. prepare for stomping feet and slamming doors, and maybe an I hate you or two. (By the way, my oldest only said that to me once. my reply, you can hate me all you want, but you better respect me. she's never said it since) kids are difficult, especially when they start school and have outside influences from the family. just remember, it's not forever. she'll be on her own eventually. and some day, her kids will put her through the same thing. (it's the one thing I look forward to, that lovely, what goes around comes around, scenario.) blessings and prayers.

Ali - posted on 09/01/2010

Thank you! I will look into both of those resources.

Ali - posted on 09/01/2010

Thank you so much! Tonight was much calmer. A lot less frustration I think! We are trying to talk now and figure out the best way to get through this because now there is a boy my niece likes and her friend likes him too... Oh boy the tween years are here! I think I have blocked all of mine out! Hopefully though things will continue to improve once my sister and I are on the same page and no one is undermining the others rule. Thank you all so much for you advice!! I'm hoping by the end of September that we will have a somewhat calmer home! :)

Becky - posted on 09/01/2010

Get the book or DVD 123-Magic. Highly recommend it! Also check out flylady.com and read about the House Fairy. Good luck!

Laura - posted on 09/01/2010

First of all, you need to have a serious talk with your sister about your neice's behavior. This 11 year is "triangulating"--she is playing you off of your sister to get her way on things (like staying up past bedtime) because she knows there is no consistency between the two adults. That has to end! The only way you can do this is to talk to your sister about YOUR expectations for your neice's behavior versus what your sister expects of her behavior. Your sister seems way too flexible and lax in setting limits with your neice, IMO, and you need to talk with her about this. You both have to be on the same page! There is no room for waffling by either of you--you set limits and expectations and stick to it. Even though you may be consistent with your expectations, your sister is not and your neice knows this. It's really your sister's behavior you have to change first before you can tackle the inapropriate behavior of your neice.

This talk with your sister will need to include agreeing on possible consequences (punishments) for when your neice chooses not to go along with the set expectations for actions AND behavior. The consequences need to fit the digression in a logical way: For example, if your neice sleeps in on the weekends (as my daughter does) a consequence for not going to bed on time would be to subtract the time she is then allowed to sleep in on weekends. For each 15 minute interval past bedtime, she looses that time from sleeping in, up to the time she normally gets up to go to school. Most kids I know would hate to have to get up on the weekend at their regular school time. Make sure that she gets up if she has to as well! Use your imagination and get creative as long as it's not abusive. She's already experienced one consequence of not being responsible--her shirt was ruined because she didn't care for it. You didn't really have to do anything other than point that out to her. Consequences for her actions and behaviors are a key component in getting your neice to make better choices and you and your sister have to both be consistent.

While considering expectations and responsibilities for your neice, you need to consider her age. What is considered "clean" to your neice may not fit your expectation of what "clean" is (as with the bathroom chore). Make sure that your expectations on the actual cleanliness are in line with your neice's a bit, it will cut down on some of the frustration for everyone. Plus the idea of cleaning the whole bathroom may be overwhelming to her and she is becoming frustrated. Break up the task into smaller parts: clean the toilet and empty the trash on Monday, for example, and leave it at that. Clean the tub/shower on Tuesday, etc. It seems like your neice may already trying to make the task more managable for herself by taking so long to finish. Rather than chastising her, try working with her on this; if the task is more managable for her, she will be more likely to participate and actually do the chore. Make a chore chart for her and have it posted for everyone to see! Having it written down will help everyone maintain consistency, especially in a busy household.

Finally, and most importantly, compliment and praise your neice when she does something well or exibits positive, appropriate behavior! Right now it seems that she is hearing all of the negative that she does and this can really hurt a child's self-esteem. She needs to hear the positive! Consequences are not all negative punishments--consequences can be positive, too! When she finishes her chore(s), thank her honestly for doing the job. While I understand that finances are tight, you might try implementing an allowance, if she doesn't already get one. It doesn't have to be big, but it should be tied to her chores, just like a paycheck. My daughter's chore chart also lists dollar amounts with each chore--if she doesn't do the chore, that amount is then subtracted from her allowance. This is an incentive for her to complete her tasks; if she doesn't do her chores, she doesn't get her allowance. It's her choice whether the consequence will be good ar bad. Other rewards for appropriate behavior can include a special meal, choice of a movie, special one-on-one time for an outing, etc. The idea is that you and your sister agree on possible rewards that your neice can achieve with positive behavior. Again, be consistent!
And remember: Your neice is eleven and heading into puberty--some arguing and attitude will come with that phase of life! ; ) Hope this helps and good luck!