Brandy - posted on 08/19/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )
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My 11 yr old daughter has this tone in her voice that she uses whenever she talks to me and my bf but not when she is with her dad, my bf by the way has been in the pic more than her dad, it kills me that we have to be the mean ppl with rules and chores while he gets all the fun, if any of you have any ideas on how to get rid of this attitude I will always love you lol
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Brandy - posted on 08/20/2012
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Thank you so much I'm gonna try again, hopefully on our walk tonight we can really talk
Jodi - posted on 08/20/2012
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Hi Brandy,
Remember that crying is a manipulation - it occurs most likely because your daughter feels scared that she is losing control of the situation and it is designed to evoke from you sympathy and backing off.
When she starts to cry, very calmly say, "I know this may seem scary, and you may be afraid that you are in trouble, but you aren't and it isn't meant to be scary, so let's take a moment together and just take a couple of really deep breaths"; then take some deep breaths with her till she calms down and then have your conversation. You are teaching her to regulate herself and to learn to confront even those things that may scare her.
Brandy - posted on 08/20/2012
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Thanks, gonna be a long road ahead, she's very sensitive and I tried talking with her this morning but she started crying
, I told her she wasn't in trouble but wanted her to know that there are rules we 3 have in this house, she does have a very charmed life compare to most kids these days, she has a laptop cell phone iPod touch I pay 3500 a yr just for her sport she loves Disneyland every weekend, with no help from her dad, I didn't mention non of this to her but just said if she wants us to treat her how she wants us to the she needs to do the same for us, I just feel a bit lost cause I would never nor would my parents let me behave as she does and I think I have created this by trying to compensate that her dad is all about himself, ugh what a mess I've made
Jodi - posted on 08/20/2012
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You need to introduce the idea of mutual respect......Respect yourself and respect your daughter, likewise, your daughter must respect herself and respect you and your boyfriend. This is simple, it means being straight with each other, not manipulative and mean for the sake of being manipulative and mean.
If there is an issue to be discussed, discuss it, if there is something that isn't working speak about it in terms of what works and doesn't work, not who is right and who is wrong. Nobody wants to be wrong, and most people are willing to solve problems. In fact, most 11 year olds think they have the answers to everything, so address the problems head on, have a discussion, within the framework of your house rules. See if together you can problem solve and leave the ideas of unfairness, blame, and make wrong outside on the lawn.
good luck and godspeed
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