12 year old and her friends

LaSundra - posted on 09/24/2010 ( 11 moms have responded )

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How do I teach my 12 year old to choose her friends wisely? She has one friend that I feel isn't the right person for her to be friends with. What do I do? Do I just let her see for herself or do I try to keep her away from her?

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Kylie - posted on 12/28/2010

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I know how you feel! Apart of you wants to tell her dont get involved..but she really needs to learn herself...If you say dont see that particular person she probably will anyway. She will learn and sometimes the hard way unfortunately. It is great you are on the ball, just keep an eye and ear out, and if you need to step in you will. My son had the same thing this year when he started high school. This particular "so called" friend asked him to go away camping with them, but he said to me no mum I dont want to go..when I asked him why he said" he just goes crazy and over the top Mum and i dont like it"!.. I was so proud of him, everything that I have taught him had actually sunk in.. Also the friend that you feel is a bad influence invite them to your house. As the saying goes keep you friends close and your enemies closer.. It is the same with your kids. Well done for being a great mum, it will pay off, believe me.

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Let her choose her own friends. Your daughter will see this person for who she is. You have to let her make her own "mistakes".

Gwendolyn - posted on 10/12/2010

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Keep talking to her, ask her what she likes about her friend. Be kind and explain why you may not like sertain actions this friend may be doing. My daughter had a friend who we found out stold items from a store. We talked about it, I told her I wanted better for her and that they could hang out but only with my or another mother I trusted supervision (no trips to the store)... Now they do not hang out, as the girl has not changed for the better. Keep encouraging her to keep good friends, and keep true to herself!

Jessica - posted on 10/07/2010

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Let her choose her own friends. When she mentions a friend, ask how that friend is doing. Do this for all her friends. If she mentions something negative about this particular friend, remark that you hope this friend doesn't choose the wrong path. Keep lines of communication open and keep your own child on the right path. Best wishes.

Sonya - posted on 10/06/2010

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hi my daughter is comming up 2 12 and she has only 1 friend and u will know if htey are good for u girl or not , i think it is mother incsent if u like here friends or not x

Aimie - posted on 10/06/2010

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HI Yes I would have to say let her pick her friends. I have a 11 y old son that for the last 2 years he has been threw some BAD stuff with this friend and it has now hit him where he has made the right choice to leave this friend behind and move on.. Maybe try to keep an eye on thing but unless it get to the point where she is stealing or something let her try to make the choice herself.. Good luck..

Karen - posted on 10/06/2010

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I had a similar situation last school year and it seems they have drifted apart. If you push to hard it may backfire on you. Keep an eye on things so it doesn't get out of control but trust your child to be the person you raised her to be.

Terri - posted on 09/25/2010

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From personal experience... I would let her find out for herself! If she is like most preteens the more presisent you are about keeping her away from the other child the more your daughter is going to want to be friends with her! Just sit back (not to far) let your daughter make her own choice! Just be there so when your daughter finds out the other childs "true colors" to support your daughter when she gets hurt. Sometimes letting our kids get a little burnt is the only way they learn! As harsh as that sounds... your daughter will respect you alot more for giving her "her space and her own choice". Just keep a good eye on her when she thinks your not looking!

Clare - posted on 09/25/2010

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Hi, Very Difficult but let her choose her own friends....she will soon realise if they are right for her or not and it seems the more you advise your child what to do the more they push against it . I have been through the same thing with my daughter (13) and stepping back and allowing her to judge for herself worked. Just be there to pick up the peices if needed without any told you so's xx Hope all goes well for you :)

Julie - posted on 09/25/2010

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My 12 year old said something to me that knocked me over the other day. " Mom there is a difference between using good judgement and being judgmental....please don't confuse the two my friends may not be your idea of tv perfect but they are good people we enjoy each other and have a good time" I realized that what i wanted for her was to be "popular" to sit with the shiny pretty kids who cheerleader and wear the latest fashion..but ya know what...she has selected friends who are good people the write short stories together and create computer games including writing the code they hike and buy their clothes at goodwill because they don't believe in "consumerism" and promote recycling......annnnyway the point is we come to a point when we have to look at who our children have become and not who we want them to be and just step back and make sure they are being safe.

Laura - posted on 09/24/2010

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This is a tough question for any parent. I would first determine what it is exactly about this friend that you don't like--is she a bully/violent? Does she lie? Is she very manipulative? Naming the behaviors or characteristics that you have problems with will allow you to form more persuasive arguments when or if you do confront your daughter on this. Be honest about your reasons, kids are very perceptive at spotting deception and will more than likely discount what you then have to say.

Once you can articulate what it is you don't like about this friend, I would then have a conversation with your daughter about your concerns. Share with your daughter what you think friendship means to you and why you think her friend doesn't live up to this standard. Share any views on moral or ethical concerns that you have. Let your daughter know what kind of behavior you expect from others. Here's the hard part: Give your daughter the opportunity to make her own decision about her friend once you've shared all of this. The only exception would be if there are concerns of violence from this friend--then you can consider keeping her away for your daughter's own safety. Otherwise let your daughter make up her own mind about this person. You might consider some guidelines for her to follow such as time limits spent with this friend or that she can only have this friend over to your house when you are home to supervise. Remember that childhood friendships often come and go and that this may not be a long term friendship anyway. Keep an eye on things and let your daughter work through this relationship. Good luck!

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