12 year old son and girls!

Tracie - posted on 01/03/2009 ( 13 moms have responded )

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Hi, I am new to Circle of Moms! I have a important issue going on right now and I thought this would be a great place for some advice! My 12 year old son has his first real girlfriend. My son is extremely shy and backwards, but has really seemed interested in this girl. They text each other non-stop. And he has asked me if he can go to the movies with her. I didn't mind if he went with a large group of friends, just not the two of them alone, unless I was there as well. So far, their movie night hasn't happend yet! But here is my issue, I've been so curious as to what they text each other about. The other day I got the chance to snoop in his phone and I did. Here is the disturbing things I found:1) her signature on her texts is signed; "Nick's Bad Gurl"(Nick is my son of course!) 2)She sent him a picture of herself, although fully clothed, she was laying on her bed with tight clothes on. 3) She asked him if he would make out with her in the movies!!!! So of course I had to check his reply's. I'm sure my son was terrified to be quite honest! From the reply's, it looks like he barely talks to her and as far as the making out goes, he typed back, "I guess". I know my son, I know he isn't ready for that and doesn't want to do it yet. But I've heard that this poor little girl has already been quite active at the age of 12! So here is my problem, I need to discuss this stuff with my son, but the only way I could've found out this info is admitting that I snooped in his phone. I don't want to lose his trust! But I feel like these issues need to be talked about! He is just coming to the age where things start to change and I'm sure he is having feelings he's never had before. Please if anybody has any advice on how I should handle this, I would love to hear back from anybody! And by the way, my son is NOT ever going to the movies with this yound lady now!

Tracie

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When my 13 yr old son once got in trouble for something I decided to go through his phone. What I found just made my jaw drop and sickened me. I would never have imagined that my son at that age would know and use the kind of language that he did. He'd been texting a girl out of state who he'd met on-line. She was one of those girls who grow up too fast but my son was no innocent. I suspected because of her aggressiveness it encouraged him to behave in the same manner as her because it wouldn't be offensive to her. I also have an older son who got involved w/ a girl who grew up too fast and she just stomped all over his poor little heart tby sleeping around and she was only in 8th grade and I wouldn't have found out if I hadn't come across his MySpace acct at the time.



In this advanced day and age with so much technology, social medias, music & movies containing contents w/ so much crass humor, sex, lust, lewdness, vulgarity and drug use, do not presume that your child can continue to be clueless or unaffected by any of this even at a young age, unless they live in a cave. They are pros at presenting one face to you/adults and have a completely different persona w/ their peers. Watch them carefully, be very involved in their lives, encourage them to talk to you w/out judgement which is a fine line because at some point you do have to take action to protect them if something is amiss. All this just to say, is snooping ok? Heck yeah!

Melissa - posted on 07/17/2011

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Had a very similar issue with my son and it was during the school year medlars to say she was asking for a naked picture not just a kiss! I called her up and expressed my feelings telling her that was very inappropriate for a little girl to ask a boy for naked pictures! I proceeded to tell her that I was going to make sure her mother was aware of what she had done and I suggested she should tell her. I called the school and spoke to the counselor and they contacted her parents. She is no longer has contact with my son. Iade him aware that she is not the type of girl he wants to accociate with. Good luck I wish it was only a kiss she was asking for I probably would not have had to take it to the level I did.

Kim - posted on 07/14/2011

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Talk to your son. Let him know that you looked through his phone because as his mother and the one paying the bill you have the right to do so. Of course he is going to be mad with at first but he will get over it. Let him know that you will be checking his periodically to monitor what is going on. Also let him know that you will be doing this in his presence and unannounced. Tell him that although you trust him, you can't be certain of the friends that he come in contact with. If this girl is already sending provocative text (with clothes on) now, it will not be long before she starts sending more provacative ones. Let you son know that you are only trying to protect him not control him.

I have a15 y/o old daughter and I check her phone/ email/ facebook account quite often and was alarmed by some of the things that her friends have posted on their facebook page. I took the time to explain to her that just because you select private on your page doesn't really mean private. Everyone of your contact and their contacts and so on will have access to that "private picture". Girls today are more mature then they were when I was younger.

I also have a 6 y/o son and little girls are already into him. On a daily basis, his after school care leader tells me how girls come up to him and kiss and hug on him. These girls refer to him as boyfriend. Sounds innocent now but what's going to happen as they get older. I talk to my son about respect and keeping his hands to himself. I tell him to tell the girls that he is only allowed to kiss mommy.

Kelly - posted on 01/03/2009

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Hi there, I too am new to Circle Of Mum's. Wow! I am relieved to know i am not the only one going through this. I am a single mum of a 13yr old son. Well if his day doesn't consist of girls, music, or video games i reckon he would say he doesn't have a life. He to has his own phone and i believe u hv a right to look at his phone. I look through my son's phone, however i tell him after i have looked straight away. I usually get THE LOOK, as if to say why would u do that.

I had my son two weeks after my 16th. I would say we have a pretty close relationship, however, i know there r some things he doesn't tell me. I am not silly i remember when i was 13. But i try & be honest & upfront with him as i can. My thing is he has an aunt who is 15 months older than him, the two of them are pretty close. So of course he thinks it's great cause she has sooooo many friends.(Female) He constantly wants to hang out with them. They drink and roam the streets, and they wonder why i won't let him hang out with them after dark. I have got the question too Can his gf sleep? my god the first night i did NOT sleep. They were not allowed in a room on there own, she slept in the lounge (with me sitting up watching t.v) really i was watching there every move!! If u give them that little bit of trust (not too much) then i have found he is reasonably honest with me. I don't want him to hide stuff, but i guess they to need there own privacy. Alot of the time i really have to stop myself from saying no all the time. I have seen lingerie girls on his phone(not acceptable) and have said to him i don't mind u having girls on your phone but these ones are not appropriate.Gees, at times i hate bluetooth. Girls in there swimmers well i have allowed that. It is a scary age and it is only gonna get worse for us. Good Luck!

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Katie - posted on 01/14/2009

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You cant stop them from being interested in the opposite sex. You can however curtail the sexy stuff for now. I would want someone to tell me if my daughter was being innappropriate but I think if you ask your son "what does having a GF mean to you?" he will probably be more mild than that girl was. Is it holding hands, kissing, french kissing, or what? My daughter had BF's since 5th grade and it was like just saying you're "going together", then it was holding hands or a peck of a kiss, my daughter told me what was going on and I tried to keep the communication open. Snooping is such a derogatory word for checking on your kids, like you dont have a right to know what's going on? What's up with that? My daughter knows I periodically check (more often than she thinks) on her email, facebook, phone, etc. and my girls are not allowed to hang out with or text or talk to kids who are being innappropriate however I give them the trust first. If I see or hear things that are out of line then act accordingly. You have every right to check on your kids...Its not snooping - It is the best care you can give your kids, BE INVOLVED! Let your kids know they can talk to you even if they feel weird about it. Allowing some privacy for the kids is a good thing, we need to treat them with respect, but don't allow yourself to be out of the loop of what's happening in his life and don't be in denial. These kids are going to eventually be having physical encounters, talk to him, make sure he's prepared for it when it comes up in his life. There are definately worse cases of sexy flirty girl behavior out there, this is mild but just the beginning. Stay close to him! 

Karen - posted on 01/06/2009

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Well I'd sure as hell be letting the girl's parents know what their daughter is doing. You don't want to lose his trust?? How about he doesn't want to lose your trust and all the priviledges that go with that. Each kid matures differently and obviously this girl has decided that he's a good target.



Do you let him go online without supervision either? He's being eaten alive by this girl who is obviously maturing in inappriate ways. Unfortunately, we do have to protect our children and we do have to have an active role in their lives. No kid of mine would be allowed a girlfriend, especially one like this at age 12. I have brought up 3 children who are now married with children and no way do I see what your problem is here.



act quickly and have a talk with him and tell him what you did and why you are concerned. I just had a talk with my stepchildren last night on how silence and secrets allow children to do things that may harm them. It's up to all of us as a community to communicate with each other in order to keep our kids safe. Therefore, every child should be encouraged to come to you with concerns. I would not like it too much, but I would be grateful if someone told me that my son or daughter was acting in ways that were inappropriate. Once I know, then I can intervene.



He's a baby, and you are his parent, look out for him and that girl.

Karen - posted on 01/04/2009

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I have a 15 year old daughter, and she is fully aware I check her phone. I think as a parent this is ok.. As for your son, I would be up front and honest.
My children know I have 18 years in which to teach them how to be the best person they can be, and this includes boy/girl friends. let him know it is ok to say no, and that peer pressure is a big thing at his age. You also need to realize that your son will make mistakes, but if your open and honest with him, he will appreciate it.

Gwen - posted on 01/03/2009

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oooh, yikes. Yeah you have every right to snoop your son's phone, the same way you have a right to talk to his teachers and find out what's going on in school (although I'm sure not many preteens would agree, lol). And yeah I think you might want to have a little chat with him about boy-girl relationships.



My little boy is 10 and still thinks kissing is gross, but I feel your pain. I bet you could get some books from the library for both him and you that might help1

Tracie - posted on 01/03/2009

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I agree with you Dounia, I feel like I have a right to look in his phone, although I'm sure HE would consider it snooping. So, do you guys believe that I'm over-reacting, or do I have just cause to be a little nervous about this? I knew these things would come up, but I seriously didn't think it would be at such a young age! And even though I say he has a "girlfriend" I don't mean a serious relationship of course! I mean this is the first time he has a girl texting, calling and wanting to do things, like movies. I do appreciate all your advice! It's hard when its your first one hitting the early teen years because you just don't know what to expect, or the best way to handle it! Like I said, I want him to always be as open as possible with me, but I agree with Tina, I'm not dumb enough to think he will share everything with me! Thanks guys!

Tina - posted on 01/03/2009

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I wonder if people actually think about why we have babies having babies! These CHILDREN are still actually just that. I have a 13 yr old daughter and an 11 yr old son, soon to be 12. I keep an open communication with them but I am not dumb enough to think that they talk to me about all thats going on in their bodies and minds. My daughter has a cell phone and when given to her she should know that I pay the bill and therefore it is also my personnal belonging. So if it has to such a big secret it needs to be talked about in person because mom is going to find out. Most 12&13 yr olds are not brave enough to ask a boy/girl to even go to the movies let alone ask them to make out. So maybe have a talk about what is off limits for you to have access to and them give him your opinion of what you think you should have access to.

Dounia - posted on 01/03/2009

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Hi Tracie,

I have an 11-year old girl and she is very much aware that she's not dating anytime soon. As a matter of fact, she knows it will be College or after when she does. It's a religious thing. My point is, I keep an open communication channel with her and she knows where things stand. I think the same should be with your son. It doesn't have to be a forma sit-down kinda thing. Casually ask about how the gf thing is going and inject your philosophy on the whole thing based on what you found out. He doesn't have to know you "snooped". In addition, I don't see it as snooping. Your son lives under your roof and he is your responsibility. If that's what it takes to keep him safe and grounded, so be it. When he's 17 or 18, that's another matter. Good luck!

Dounia

Jennifer - posted on 01/03/2009

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OMG..you snooped on his phone? I would have never done that..its just "new" to them. I mean there really shouldnt be anything to worry about. if your son is as shy as you say he is.and you feel you raised him properly, you should know that "sex" wont be an issue with him NOT having it. I believe that unless you see a "TRUE" problem, like gangs or getting involved with the wrong kids, and his attitude drastically changed, I wouldnt be snooping. Girls do that because they want the boys to like them. You should be happy it was fully clothed..LOL..my son got a pic of his gf in a barely there bikini..LOL..just chill..Im sure your son is going to be ok and not forced into something he doesn't want to do.
Jen

Jennifer - posted on 01/03/2009

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I know how you feel...my son is 11 and during the summer up till just 2 months ago, my son had a gf..she was 11, a bit more mature for an 11 yr old. She wanted him to sleep over and go out...she went through boys like we change our underwear..everyday..When he started getting annoyed because she called 10,000 times a day, if she couldnt get him on his cell, she would call the house phone, then my cell then my moms..She was crazy. he told her he didnt want to see her anymore, so she started stuff with him. His friend started dating her and she called up my son telling him that this kid hit her (he didnt) but my son told the kid off..

I was a bit uncomfortable at first, but, I guess hes at that age for gfs..I was hoping it wouldnt start till he was 15..LOL..
Jen

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