13 year old stepson expecting a baby :S

Sereena - posted on 04/09/2010 ( 50 moms have responded )

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Ok so im posting this to find possibly if i can find a parent with the same experience although im sure theres not much. my fiance and i have a 13 year old son who got friend 15 year old friend preg...i swear my fiance is a great father but is being told hes a bad father...i need some input to show him hes not and that our childs poor decision does not make him a bad father...



the accused bad father moment people are calling him on is when our son was 12 about a year ago after going through some maturing told my fiance that he was curious about having sex. my fiance told him the usually i dont think its a good idea for you to be doing that at your age please wait till your older. he also told him but if you really feel you need to although im not supporting it in anyway shape or form this is what you need to know and told him about stds and the risk of having a baby and what follows that...he also showed him how to use a condom and protect himself and bought him a pack of condoms just to be safe and hoped that he used them if he decided to have sex...everyone is accusing him because he showed him how to use and gave him condoms...i believe he was just being a good father trying to watch out for his son. he figured he would go through all of that with our son because if our son wanted to do it he would behind our back and hed rather his son open to him than sneaking around...does anyone feel the same way? if not be honest i would love some opinions my fiance is feeling like he let his son down and i think he could really use some opinions...thank you

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Nina - posted on 04/10/2010

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I think Bad Dad did the right thing by giving him the pep talk and the condoms. He stated he did not condone it but at least protect yourself and prevent a baby. But the boy didn't listen. Sad situation and you need to make the best of it. The girl was 15! Where was her responsibilty in this? It takes two to make achild. and I don't think Dad was there to cheer them on! Put the responsibility when it belongs! ON THE KIDS!

Amanda - posted on 04/09/2010

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Ok yes your husband thought he was doing the right thing, but I also disagree with him showing your son how to use a condom. Age 12 is way too young. I think he went a little to far with the birds and the bees talk. At that age you teach them about the std's out there and all the peer pressure that they will have to deal with, but in that convo you tell them so when your friends laugh at you for not having sex then your friends won't be laughing anymore when they are raising a child before high school, or trying to fight an std. But it doesn't bother me so much about what your husband said to him. What bother's me here is, where were the two of you when this happened? Where was the girl's parents? Why on earth would a 15 year old girl want to have sex with a 12 year old boy? And who on earth left a 12 year old boy alone with a 15 year old girl? Ok so maybe there were parents around who let them go in a room and shut the doors? I'm sorry I just don't understand what happened here. Really? 12? I know there is alot of teen pregnencies out there and I have seen stories where teens got pregnant on purpose. In fact I myself was a teen mom, but 17 and already in my senior year of high-school. I went to school during the day and took courses at night to get all my credits in so I was able to graduate mid-term and have my baby, who is now 15. I just can't imagine a 12 year old or 13 year old trying to raise a baby when they are still a baby. This could disrupt his child hood. But more so I would be talking to the girls parents and the girl and want to know what on earth was going on that a 15 year old girl wanted to sleep with a 12 year old. Even though she was 15 your son will still have to take resposability for his baby. How is he going to do that when he's not even old enough to get a job? I just don't understand this at all. I do not completly place the blame on your husband. All the parents involved are to blame for this. And your son should not be doing adult things, but now he will have to become an adult.

Alicia - posted on 04/19/2010

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Your Fiance', did a great job. He did what the "parent hand book" tells us to do as parents. Explain to your children what sex is, explain the possible consequences and supply them with the protcection.
First thing, Don't listen to what ever else says and thanks, that is the first mistake. I am speaking from personal expierence, I was 14 years agol when I was pregnant and gave birth at 15 years old. Just make the 13 year old be there for the girl irregardless if they are still together or not, Tell her parents he will be at every appointment and there when she has the baby, even though he is 13 he still needs to take responsibily for his actions,
MY son is now 12 he is in middle school, he has high honors, and he plays soccer. Something good can and will come out of this. Just don't listen to everyone else follow what you and your finace believe. Make the best of the situation

Thanks,
Alicia

Karen - posted on 04/15/2010

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I think the conversation your fiance had with his son was appropriate because his son was curious and needed to know what to do if he got himself into that situation. As parents all we can do is keep the lines of communication open with our children and teach them the best of our abilities. What our children do with it is something entirely different. My friend has had that frank talk with her son @ that age (ex-husband wouldnt) and he didnt go out and have sex. His son made the decision to do what he did, and there were consequences (sp?) to that. The only thing you can do now is stand by him & hope he will use better judgement in the future. Also, the friend who is older should have known better also.

Deirdre - posted on 04/13/2010

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I would not say your husband did or said anything wrong...he gave him all the information in order to prevent a pregnancy from happening if your son chose to have sex. This may sound harsh to you, but I believe your son was the one who wasn't acting responsibly! Tell your husband not to be so down on himself...in my opinion, he did everything he could possibly have done to prevent this from happening. :) I feel for you as a mom of a 12yr old, 11yr old and a 17yr old children!♥ I wish you luck!!

Dee

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Virginia - posted on 03/03/2012

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Well now that two years have past. How did this story end??? I hope that you were ready to raise another child or you shared this baby with a couple desperately wanting a child. Children can't raise children. They are going to be like siblings, not father son, at this point it dosent matter what you parents did or didn't do. It's about what you do now. It's about being fair to the baby. The very reason the child was conceived should tell us this. Curiosity does not make great parents. This blog is here because adults are having difficulties raising children can you image a 12 year old. Prayers for this baby and his future to be raised with love and respect.

Brittany - posted on 09/23/2011

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He did the right thing by informing his son how to stay safe. It is not up to your husband to make sure the son is wearing a condom every time he has sex. If your husband would have told him "No you are too young" and left it at that, he would have gone out and done it anyway, unprotected.

What makes him a good father is him not freaking out and disowning his child. Educating his son on sex was also a wise choice. Those who call him a bad father are just upset because, they do no have the gaul to educate their children.

Alexandria - posted on 09/20/2011

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I think if your child tells you they're thinking about having sex, they're definitely old enough to be taught how to be safe. I don't see how 12 is too young at all. My 13 year old step-daughter came home from school at 12 years old stating she had dumped her schoolyard boyfriend upon learning he was not a virgin. It became quite obvious to me we should talk. Kids that age seem to be more and more adult as time goes on. One of my siblings acted out at a young age simply because she couldn't find an adult to answer her questions. Teen pregnancy doesn't mean the parents are incompetent, I personally think he did the right thing.

Beverly - posted on 09/18/2011

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He is not a bad father at all. I have 2 sons ages 12 and 14 and I talk to them about sex ALL the time they have many questions and as their mom I am glad they know that they can come to me to get them answered. I too gave my son condoms, after explaining to him how I felt about him having sex. I also told him that by giving him the condoms I was NOT giving him the go ahead to have sex. If he really wanted to do it there was nothing I could do to stop him. But if he were to make that decision I wanted him to protect hisself against unwanted pregnancy or an STD. Had he not had that talk with his son then those same people would be calling him a bad dad because of that.

Jane - posted on 09/12/2011

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What do you think of a mother who flat out adamantly told her daughter that pre-marital sex was out of the question, gave no "precautionary advise", and just said NO and restricted the girl as to whom she could see...the 14 yr old daughter then TOLD the mother:"I will get pregnant and you will HAVE to let me get married and then I can do what I want!!"
This daughter did in fact just that..got pregnant, got married and continued to hang out with her husbands' crowd, was subsequently attacked and the unborn baby boy died as a result.
Sometimes kids are just going to do what they want no matter WHAT the parent does!!!

This mother was mortified!!!! and nearly died of humiliation and embarrassment. Is it her fault for saying ''no'' to premarital sex? Again, some kids are just going to do what they want.
P.S. This daughter ended up telling her mother a couple of years later, that her intentions were to punish/get back at her mother for not letting her date who she wanted to date..only she found out that the one she PUNISHED was herself..
I don't think your fiance did anything horrible after finding out his son was interested; he was just acting with responsible precaution. In fact, if the son got a 15 yr old pregnant, it sounds like he didn't even take his fathers' advice so how COULD it be his fault?? The family is always the harshest critic. It's times like this that I like to remember the line from scripture: Take the LOG out of your own eye before you find the stick in your brothers' !! - J.C.

Veronica - posted on 04/20/2010

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No way, I agree with you. I have to remind my son over & over & over & over: I don't want you having sex at all, but if you are going to, you have to be safe. I have given him condoms. If your husband hadn't discussed all of the possible consequences with your son, who knows, maybe he would have been a dad at 12 instead of 13. Ultimately, your husband did the best he could to educate your son & it was your son's actions that led to this situation, not anything you guys did. I think you guys should be commended for giving him the information rather than taking that vow of silence. I wish your family all of the best in this awful situation.

Christina - posted on 04/20/2010

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Your husband was in the right, these days with all the shows on the television promoting sex he was trying to protect his son. He's not a bad dad at all! I would however suggest a paternity test be performed that way if the girl tries to say he's not the dad in a fit of anger he can go on no you don't and it's also to make sure that he actually is producing sperm. My son has been told that it's not worth it if it's not with the right person and if you think it is still wait. As we all know waiting is always better!



I need to mention that I have 13 year old and a 16 month old so my older son has seen first hand how hard it is to take care of a baby. He has mentioned repeatedly that he's not ready and has made a promise to keep his nose in the books and have a life before he settles down to start a family. I can only hope he sticks to it!

Angela - posted on 04/20/2010

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Wow !! My oldest is 11 and I hope he is not planning to have intercourse anytime soon. Is there not a law of rape? your son is 12 years old? A 12 year old boy is far less mature than a 15 year old girl plain and simple.I am not saying be angry and punish but where is the responsibility? This girl should be held ACCOUNTABLE. Yes I think girls are sexually more agressive than boys. They are still children !! Legal age on consent is 14...............Dad you did nothing wrong. If he didn't get it from you he'd of typed it on the internet and got "info" from there.

Monika - posted on 04/20/2010

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I hear it from my son all the time when he was at school (he is 14) the girls are really aggressive nowadays sexually. It is a different time.

Monika - posted on 04/20/2010

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Sereena,

Yikes hun. My heart goes out to you and your fiance. While I think that being totally honest with your kids is the BEST policy and that he did the right thing with talking to him about STD's and condoms and all that, he made a fatal mistake. He didn't tell him about how at this age it is just wrong, how his isn't emotional ready, how she isn't emotionally ready, how big the consequences are and he should have NEVER EVER should have even remotely given a slight amount of approval. which is what he did. He needed to have a far, far better talk with him. My son is in 8th grade and the things he comes home and tells me (well, did tell me...he is homeschooled now). I am shocked. We were in private and boy, I regret ever going to public. These kids think sex is nothing and girls...oh my gosh, they give it away like it is candy!!! My son is 14 and we talk so open. We talk about emotions, what is does to girls, to him, in the long run, what a pregnancy can do to you, the cost -- financially and emotionally. Hell, I haven't even pulled out a condom. If and when he comes to me and it is time, we will discuss it. Right now, it is my job to show him that sex is not a game.

So, I think your fiance needed to take a much stronger stance with your stepson. This doesn't just lie on his shoulder though. It takes two to tango and the girl is also to blame. It is this poor child who will really suffer...who benefit from parents so young?? My advice to you guys. If you want open and honest. Lay down the law, talk about consequenses - cause and effect. Never say to a child - well, I don't think this is a good idea but if you choice to do this...that is an open playing field. Say, hell no and this is why. Grow up and little and this is why...now you have big brother as an example.

Nicole (Nikkie) - posted on 04/19/2010

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@ Debra,

The logic in it is that if parents are going to be nieve about speaking with their children in regards to sex and teaching them about contraception/condoms and how to properly use them in order to protect themselves then the end result will be that we will have more teenager pregnancies and more children contracting diseases. If you read and understood my response (which you obviously didn't understand) the first thing that i wrote was that its not for parents to condone anything that their child may want to do. At the same token we have to be realistic of the fact that we are not underneath our children 24/7 to stop them from going out and experiencing having sex. As parents we try our best to discourage our children from this and we teach them about sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy, but just because you do does not mean that they won't have sex. This is not the same thing as a child wanting to drive a car, if you don't give them access to the car such as giving them the keys, they can't drive it it's as simple as that, but u can't withhold or remove your childs body parts so that they won't have sex now can you? In this situation yes it is a situation of a baby having a baby due to His failure not to adhere to the advice his father has given him or to use the protection that not only has his father taught him how to use but provided him with, but just imagine how many more young people will be in this situation if we don't speak or show them at all. Not every child will listen, but if 10 out of 100 will listen then guess what thats 10 teenage pregnancies avoided and 10 lives that have been spared from contracting a sexually transmitted disease and/or hiv/aids thats my point. BTW I have 2 children I gave the talk to my daughter when she was 12 and taught her about birth control and condoms and even showed her (with a banana) how a boy is suppose to put one on this way if she decided to have sex & he didn't know of how to use one she could show him and taught her about diseases and pregnancies. My daughter is now going on 22 no kids and is not thinking about having any until after marriage and until she reaches the age of 27. She became sexually active at the age of 14 never had a sexually transmitted disease or pregnancy & my son who is now 13 is not even considering sex therefore all my teachings were benefial. If i didn't I she probably would be a teenage mom & I would be a grandma. Like I said some children listen and some don't, but what happens when they just don't know?????

Chenel - posted on 04/19/2010

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Everybody has an opinion, but these days sex education is taught in the schools. My oldest daughter saw the video in the 5th grade, so once again your husband did the right thing and by the girl being 15 she should have already known the consequences of having sex. Both parents need to sit down and talk about the situation at hand...

Chenel - posted on 04/19/2010

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I think your husband did the right thing by talking to your son and showing him how to protect himself. It's not your husbands faut that your son didn't use protection. Some kids would not have talked to their parents and that shows that they have a good relationship. You don't want your child finding out about sex from someone else or coming to you saying that their not feeling right in their private area.... Everybody is entitled to their own opinion, but your husband did the right thing by teaching your son the right and wrongs about sex and how to use protection

Debra - posted on 04/19/2010

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You are saying that because parents don't do what this dad did that we are going to have more and more babies having babies. Where is the logic? He did what you think he should have and we have a baby having a baby. If my 12 yo says he wants to drive a car, I would tell him that he is not old enough, it is against the law and that he may not do it. I don't say that you shouldn't do it, but if you do make sure and wear your seat belt and here let me show you how you can avoid getting caught by the police.

Debra - posted on 04/19/2010

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I want to highly recommend that you consider placing this child for adoption. I have 2 adopted children and 2 birth children and love them all with all my heart. My daughters are having a wonderful life with 2 parents who are mature and able to take care of them without having to try and finish middle school and high school. Your son and the girl can have an open adoption so that they can maintain a relationship with the child, but the child willl be raised in a more secure situation and your two kids can have a better shot at finishing school, going to college etc.
Debbie

Terri - posted on 04/18/2010

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One word: ADOPTION! Sooo many couples wait years to hold a baby they can call their own. The girl has already confirmed she's too young to raise a child. Sometimes taking responsibility is being mature enough to know what's best for the child. If you son truly wants to be involved in the baby's life, there are open adoptions that welcome him. Her explanation to her parents makes sense, unfortunately, though if there's any doubt I'd ask for a paternity test.

Nicole (Nikkie) - posted on 04/18/2010

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First and foremost I want to say my heart goes out to you and your family i know that this is a tough situation to have to be in, as for dad I don't think he was being a bad father for having the talk with your son nor for teaching him how to use a condom. I have read just about everyone's response to this situation and I think that people are forgetting one thing and that is we are living in a different time and era. Children are far more advanced than how we were growing up as children. Now thats not to say for a parent to condone anything that the child wants to do, but you do have to definitely educate them. Unfortunately your son didn't listen and as a result he ended up getting a girl pregnant and these are the consequences of his failure to listen. I too have a 13 yr old son and I have been giving him the talk since i first seen him become interested in girls and that was at the age of 11. I also talk with him about std's, hiv/aids, pregnancy what is going on with his body his hormones the whole nine yards. I talk with him about contraception & condoms and I do explain to him that he needs to wait and to respect his body but yes I also use a banana and teach him how to use a condom. Now he understands that I'm against the whole idea of him having sex, but the reality is is that whether I'm against it or not if he feels like he's ready to experience it than he's gonna experience it who is there to stop him. Some of the comments that i have read included people saying that your husbands conversation with your son was inappropiate for his age that its a conversation that he should have had with your son when he reaches the ages 16-17 how many 16 year olds are now parents? record numbers are and the pregnancy rate in teenagers is getting younger and younger, and so is the disease rate one other thing is that your child has come to you and said he was curious not about sex but about HAVING SEX so what were you supposed to do say o son that's nice now go in your room. When children come to their parents and say mom dad i think im ready to have sex yes try to discourage them from it first and foremost as your husband tried to do (sometimes it works, majority of the times it don't) but you better teach them how to protect themselves because their going to give in to their curiosity. Therefore dad I think you did the right thing some people are just to nieve to admit it and because of that we're going to have a world full of babies having babies.

Erin - posted on 04/18/2010

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American attitudes about sex are what causes this huge teen pregnancy problem. I think your fiance did the exact right thing. Children mature faster and faster these days so its good to answer their questions as best we can. You can never predict what will happen and it's better not to feel terrible about something beyond your control. Children lead their own lives, believe it or not, and you cannot watch them every second. It's too bad that this happened, but it sounds like the boy is more advanced than others his age. My son is 13 and he does not even have a girlfriend. But he does have questions about sex. It's normal. I would advise you to put the boy into therapy to help him deal with his new life as a father...and your fiance might benefit as well. Things just happen. It's the way the world is. Period.

Barb - posted on 04/18/2010

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Sereena,
we begin teaching our children about "the birds and the bees" indirectly from the time they are very young, they see it in animal husbandry when the neighborhood dogs are stuck together, and when witnessing the miracle of birth when new kittens are born (i use 'they' as a generalization, of course there are many children not exposed to being around many pets or animals in person) but when our children witness these things, they ask questions and we answer them accordingly.

too many people, in my thought process, get all hung up on talking about sex to the younger generations...when it involves people, but with animals it is fine.

we look at the age of a child and think that they are just a little kid, alas, they are each unique individuals with many an emotional confusion stirring and new feelings being discovered. in my thoughts, the best thing for a parent to do is to be open with no shame in listening, sharing, and advising in all areas possible. ultimately we all know that our children are going to make their own choices either in spite of our guidance or following our guidance. just as we did in our youth with our parents.

i don't believe there should be any finger pointing in this particular situation, it was an encounter between two close friends feeling safe in exploring the wonders of their sexuality, unfortunately it has developed a consequence of even greater responsibility.

the young mother has expressed not wanting any involvement with the baby, and i understand that because she is afraid, not only of the changes in her body, but of the birthing process, and of the future responsibilities of another person besides herself.
she shouldn't be condemned for her fear, but should in fact be encouraged to enroll in parenting classes and join a young teen parent group to help her in making better judgments for her future and in learning how to be a good loving parent, as should your son.

the young mother may in the future have a change of feeling when certain levels of maturity have been acquired, and she will very much want to be involved in her child's life.

further on down the road as our children grow they will be looking back regretfully on certain choices they made that can haunt them the rest of their lives, i hope your husband and the girls family don't let that happen.

you have expressed that your son has stated that he is ready to step up to the plate and be a responsible father, that in all tells what a good father your husband is, in being able to instill in his son the importance of not only being a father, but also the responsibility of a man.

of course at the age of twelve it seems unfathomable for a child to 'step up' in all the responsibilities there are in taking care of a baby, but with the proper guidance, parenting classes, and tough love needed at times, your son can learn to be a great father.

it is all around a work in progress in the foundation of building a family, these two young people can learn to work together in raising a child, without either of them trying to do it single handed with animosity.

i don't believe the young parents should marry in the future for the sake of the baby, merely learn to both remain on a friendly ground and be respectful of each other.

in summation, your husband did the right thing as a father, and your son has learned the consequence in showing the lack of personal responsibility.

no need in looking back and hashing over what is done with guilt and anger, but look forward in what can be done for other positive outcomes that will now encompass not only your son, but his child and yes, the young mother indirectly.

leave the loose tongues wag, sooner or later they will become tired of your family situation and find a new fast car to chase after.

[ all of the above is my own opinion, i realize it may or may not be looked upon as acceptable by others, and that is fine with me. as i raise my children we share our opinions without condemnation, but discuss things for further understanding as to why ]

Rebecca - posted on 04/17/2010

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This is a tough one. Kids are doing this stuff allot younger these days. I think your husband did do the right thing but maybe a different conversation might of been needed.It's not just up to your husband to talk about this stuff, why wasn't the 15 year old spoken to as well. I been there with a 13 year old step daughter but she isn't interested in sex in anyway. I was talking to her Mum about maybe after she starts AF to talk to the doctor about the pill. Not so our 15 year old daughter can have sex but just incase of rape and stuff

Lisa - posted on 04/17/2010

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Rest assured that if he was asking his father about sex then it was defiantly the right time to have that talk and show him how to protect himself! The fact of the matter is that If dad hadn’t told him ALL that he did then your son would have found less reliable information and would have been even less prepared to make responsible decisions. I believe that the fact that he asked his father about this subject says just how great a father your husband is, if he was a bad father then your son wouldn’t have approached his father at all.



Many years ago I had a friend that got his girlfriend pregnant when he was only 11 and a half, this ended badly because he also ended up with an STD. His girlfriend had been sexually active before they started dating and he had felt pressured into sex, the problem is that he didn’t have the support that your son obviously has and didn’t go to his parents for advice as your son obviously can.



My 12yo DD recently was asking about sex and I gave her a similar talk to the one that your husband gave your son, I truly believe it’s for the best that they know what they are getting themselves into. Although I also went on to discuss the emotional side of sexual relationships and I also told her there were better things that can be done rather than actual sex, and if she wanted to know about them then she just has to ask. So far she hasn’t asked but I see no reason not to give your children all the information that they ask for, it’s only if you are honest with them that they are more likely to listen to your advice.

Tara - posted on 04/17/2010

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If your son was old asking about it and saying he wanted to have sex then his father was right to tell him the facts. Waiting until he is 16-17 is not the answer. I have a friend who works at a school and had to stop 2 5th graders who were having sex(and it was one of the best towns in NJ). Kids are having sex earlier and earier. Your husband was doing the right thing

Michelle - posted on 04/17/2010

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My husband and I are about to have that talk with our 12 yo son and been discussing on how and what we will tell him. Obviously what your husband has told him is everything he needs to know and he made the decision himself. Not much as a parent we can do there.
I'm guessing if he was a bad father he would have pushed him away and not listened to him, so i say well done and obviously he is very open to you so he cant be that bad of a father if you have a 13 yo talking to you like that. Not too worry about everyone else and put your concerns onto him and the girl.
Good luck with everything.

Leslie - posted on 04/16/2010

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I think he did the right thing,I don't feel he's a bad father. You hear about kids having sex at 11, 12 years old all the time if he's curious your husband did the right thing by talking to him and explaining to him that he should wait but these are the risks. Unfortunately kids don't always listen and chances are pretty good he would have still had sex with or without dad's talk, but dad did the right thing, sometimes all we can do is give them the information its up to them how they use it.

Christie - posted on 04/15/2010

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WOW im not even really sure what to say...i can see a few different positions in this situation, first as a teenage mom of a now 14 year old daughter of my own, I can only imagine what you and your family and the girl and her family must be going thru. I think your fiance was right in explaining what could come of your sons choice to have a sexual partner, but we also have to remember that we are dealing with a 13 year old child....child being the key word. Therefore he thinks like a child. At 13 what has he really been exposed to? I have seen alot, have a sister who got pregnant at 16 and just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. But at the same time is dealing with the DNA testing of a baby who has a father who denies her and doesnt want to help with her. Hasnt even seen her yet and she is almost 2 months old. When my sister was having sex and partying she wanted a baby and thought it would be great. She is a wonderful mother and does everything for her daughter, but cant financially support her so she relies on the state and family to help her out. She is realizing that is not as great as she thought. Your sons whole life is about to change and all because he was not ready for such an adult decision. When ever we hear stories like this we always feel the need to place blame on someone, and unfortunately that blame usually falls on the parents. We all hope that we can guide our children to make the right decisions, I too have made the choice to educate my kids at home, letting them watch pretty much whatever they want and listen to what ever kind of music they choose, but honestly, I would rather them come to me with the questions they have after a pretty informative episode of law and order SVU or 16 and pregnant than to be watching it with a friend and then not fully understanding what is going on. But at the same time I think that there is to much display that this kind of behavior is ok. You have all these reality shows that while showing both the good and bad of being 16 and pregnant, being a teen mom, they also show that society is ok with this happening to our young children, and it is happening at a much younger age than even 10 years ago. I was 17 when I got pregnant, my sister was 16, this girl is 15 and he is only 13. What is wrong with this picture? Schools dont teach about abstinence, they pass out condoms and birth control information, they teach you how to protect yourself against pregnancy and STDs instead of teaching kids that sex while in high school is just wrong. We all have urges but think about it people, how many kids graduate from high school still a virgin, or if they are having sex, how many different partners have they had by say graduation. So if children can not get the proper education about these matters from schools and teachers and parents then where do you think they are gonna get it from? Exactly, there friends who are having sex too so do you really think they are gonna tell there friends not too. I give you fiance credit, at least he tried to inform your son of what to expect. I am just sorry that you all have to go thru this now that he made the wrong decision. As for the girl, although she too is just a child you have to ask what she was doing with a little boy. My daughter is 14 and im telling you now she doesn't want to hang out with 11 year old boys, or girls for that matter. And what would we all say if the boy was 16 or 17 and was with her. The girl needs to be held accountable for her actions with essentially a baby. But at the same time that does not mean let this boy off Scot free either. And what about this baby that is coming in to the world, what kid of future does it have with parents who cant even drive yet, or work, who are still so dependent on someone else.

Kathy - posted on 04/14/2010

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Well I have a 16 year old stepson (almost 17) and he may or may not be the father of a 2 year old making him 14 at the time she was born and I am not convinced that he is the father but unfortunately kids start younger and younger these days. I say call Maurey for A DNA test though, girls these days you never know.

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As the parent of a 13 year old boy myself, I do not believe that 12 is too young to show the proper way to use a condom. In fact, your husband did do what many parents in this day and age do not, talk to their kids about sex. It is my personal opinion/experience (reading the text messages of my son's friends both girls and guys/working with teenage youth since 2003) that teenage girls are way more advanced sexually both physically and mentally. While boys are fascinated with the idea of the sexual experience, girls are more dominant in expressing their desire to have sex in general.I am NOT trying to place blame, it certainly takes two to tango, I just want to alleviate some fears concerning your husband's original decision.

You are correct, a poor decision was made and now the consequences are apparent of teenage sex. Now, it is the time to move on and help your son cope with the responsibilities of being a parent or with the emotional experience of an adoption/abortion.

Lori - posted on 04/14/2010

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Sereena, If this is the way that the girl feels than I honestly pray that she stays away after the baby is born. No coming and going. That will be so devastating to the child to have her pop in and out of this child's life. Please do not allow her to say nasty things to your son or your family. Sounds like to me that she is actually the one that not going to be assuming any sort of responsibility for her actions or this pregnancy. Not good~It takes two to tango. Bad parents? No~I think to have your unfailing love and support he's got the best parents on the face of the earth!! I hope he realizes that he's extremely fortunate to have that. Down here where I live there are a couple of places that do hire younger kids. Farm work and the local food banks hire kids as young as 13. They can work up to 30 hours over the summer and less than 20 hours per week during school months. They pay the kids pretty good for their time and it doesn't interfere with their school time. I think it's like 2 1/2 hours per day Monday-Friday and 5 hours on weekends with a couple of days off during the week. Over summers it's 5 hours per day total with weekends off. I think it's going to be important for your son to start contributing to raising this child as soon as possible. The money may not be much but it it will be enough to contribute some diapers, wipes, formula and a little bit of clothing. I wouldn't make him spend ALL of his money earned from a job but it would certainly encourage him to work hard and to go to college so he doesn't have to work so hard later on trying to support himself and his child. I'd also discourage him from having a girlfriend for a very LONG time to come. I also think that it's important to allow him to have as normal of teenage years as humanly possible to some extent. Maybe once per month allow him to join in supervised activities with other teenagers. Encourage him not to get involved in another relationship for quite some time. His high school years are upon him. Going to a school dance with a girl as friends is okay but only as friends. Maybe even stag or with a group of his guy buddies. A great deal of emotional support is going to be needed on your son's part as well. It's extremely common for young parents to feel guilty that the other parent isn't present. He needs to know that it's not important at this time or any time in the future. That someone special will come along and his son or daughter will know and come to love that person as "mom". His focus needs to be 1) The care of his child 2) Supporting his child 3) His education. I have no doubt in my mind what so ever that he will be unsuccessful if he concentrates, heeds advice from both you and your fiance, and makes the right and responsible decisions from here on out. Again, take care & God Bless.

Jennifer - posted on 04/14/2010

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I don't think the talk was a way of showing approval...I also think that people are fools if they wait until their children are 16-17 to have this talk..wake up children are having sex earlier and earlier these days...I think your husband did the right thing to have this talk, unfortunately he didn't scare him enough to not do it..that doesn't make him a bad parent...as for the 15 year old having sex with a 13 year old..shame on her. All you can do is stand by your son and perhaps confirm it is his.

Sereena - posted on 04/14/2010

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i would love to thank everyone for replying as well :D each of these statements my fiance and i have read and very much appreciate the support and the questions to think about :D

Sereena - posted on 04/14/2010

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I believe the 15 year old did it cause hes been in her life as much as she remembers, they grew up together since he was born. She told her parents that she wanted to know how it felt and thought he was the best person to try it with cause she trusted him with her life. Needless to say she wants nothing to do with the baby and he does and says its time to take responsibility for his actions. we will be keeping him in school and are willing to help him out if he decides to go to college as well.

Christie - posted on 04/14/2010

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It seems like we r going back to the 18 and 19 centry, back then 12 - 16 year olds were getting married and having babies right away, back then it was a great idea, but now in the 21 centry people need to be in the thirtys to start a family, how come it was okey then to be realll young but know its better to be super old to start a family?
I belive kids and adults learn from there own mistakes and this boy will hopeful learn from this, I think the father did a good job at explaining to his son about life,
I am a mother to a 10 yr old girl, she knows some things about sex and about safe sex and its better to wait for the ONE, and I also have 3 step-kids 15, 18, 19 girls,
Its interesting the girl was 15, why is she with a young boy? this makes me sick, shes in high school (maybe) and the boy is in public school (maybe) why is she not with someone her age?
Now is the boy going to support the baby, this is a big lesson and hopefully he will learn from it

Tanya - posted on 04/14/2010

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Ok someones got to ask the question so here goes and I hope you won't be offended when I ask - are you sure it's your sons? Perhaps this has all been checked out etc etc but just had to ask. In respect of the'conversation' My opinion is that ther is no right and wrong time to have it, kids are getting older quicker these days and having babies even younger. All we can do is be there for them because we can't turn back the clock - so make do with what we have. As my mother always said to me "If you made your bed, then you gotta sleep in it" Who knows, maybe he will learn from this experience and Grow up to a fantastic dad, but you will never know if you aren't there form him now when it counts. I wish you both all the best with this situation.

Miranda - posted on 04/13/2010

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Sereena honestly I hope I'm never in your situation. Not because your 13yr old step son is going to be a father but because people are so quick to accuse and point the finger of blame. Your fiance was being responsible in teaching his son about safe sex etc. Unfortunately in todays society our kids are growing up too fast and wanting to experiment with things they really cant handle. Don't bash yourself up too much just be there for your step son and your fiance. Regards Miranda

Lydia - posted on 04/13/2010

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Of course most parents wouldn't choose to sit down and talk to their 12 kid about sex and everything that goes with it in that detail. But if you have a child telling you they want to have sex the best thing you can to is tell them they should but how to be safe if they are not going to listen and sometimes they won't even listen to that. In the end they make their own choices and make their own mistakes. The best we can do is teach them the what and why and try to keep them from being in postions to have to make those choices (know what you kids are doing and with who.)

The one thing I question in this is the 15 yr old girl. Why was she having sex with a 12 yr old boy? I question whether she had an underlay motivation. May not pertain to this situtation but there are a number of girl purposely getting pregnant.

Candy - posted on 04/13/2010

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I understand why some parents think its wrong to teach the kids in so much detail, but lets be realistic times have changed kids are having babies at 10 and 11 years old. I have had a similar talk with my kids I have three kids my son will soon be 12 and my daughters will be 13. I have sat down with them and was very honest, they asked questions and I answered them. I told them I wanted them to wait that their not ready yet...but I also told them if they absolutley are not going to wait then come talk with me so we can get them protected. Was that the right choice I have no idea, I dont believe there is an easy way around the situation. But for me an open line of communication is the most important thing I would rather no whats going on with them, then them sneaking around and doing it anyway. Your husband is a good dad for even talking to his son about sex, its a hard topic for all of us.

Deirdre - posted on 04/13/2010

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I don't know how old they are in your school, but our school is already discussing sex health to this age bracket only because the age of children having sex is younger than when I went to school. :( I have heard of kids giving/receiving oral sex in 6th grade!! Some were also already having intercourse...so yes, I think if we want to protect our children from unwanted pregnancy that can ruin both kids lives! You can only do your best and keep the communication lines open! When your children are away from you there will be things unfortunately that they will do that we do not approve of...but you can't be with them 24/7...I don't think informing them about protecting themselves is a bad thing and THEY decide when they are going to have intercourse..not us! At least they will know what they need to in case this happens. Just my opinion!

Dee

Lisa - posted on 04/13/2010

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OMG, when I read your story it sounds so familiar to what I have done. I have a 15 year old son and a 12 year old daughter. What is so familiar is that I have had the same discussion with both of my kids. I was raised in an open home. No secrets or beating around the bush. I was always taught that sex is natural, but to be careful and respect my body. I met my husband when I was 16 and we are still enjoying a very happy marriage.

I believe that when secrets are kept or we are not open and honest with our kids they will go behind our backs! Kids have more fun with stuff that is not permitted and they tend to get in more trouble.

Please tell your husband that he is a good man for stepping up to the plate and trying to teach you child what is proper in today's society! Your child is the one that took the risk of getting a girl pregnant and he would have done the same thing even without the talk from Dad. At least when your child decided to jump into a sexual relationship he went in with full knowledge of the dangers.

Kryss - posted on 04/12/2010

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I dont speak from personal experience but, i had a friedn back when i was 21 ...now i am 30. She had a 12 yr old son and got a 11 yr old pregnant...she was a single mom and got alot of talk abt her being a bad mom. As a mom of a 10 yr old this scares me bc my son has never asked abt sex so far...most kids his age are already curious but, my friend basically helped her son through his poor decision...mayb the pep talk went too far, but the dad didnt do this...the bad decision alone couldnt possibly lay on the 12 yr old son eitheir..its already been done and this is where tough love may have to kick in bc the two who have decided to "speed" up their life have no idea how hard its going to be. My prayers are with you all and can hope things wrk out for the best for all of you

Aliska - posted on 04/12/2010

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I think his dad did the right thing, we should be open and honest with our kids about sex. Better get the information from a parent then friends their own age. Since when did our kids listen to all the good advice we give them??? Unfortunately in this case it's resulted in a big mistake rather than a smaller one. Both kids here believed that they were mature enough at the time to play like an adult now they are going to find out that they have to face responsibilities like an adult too. I hope both your families can work together on this to support both of them as they make some very important decisions about their future. Good luck.

Lori - posted on 04/12/2010

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First of all, whole heartedly, my heart goes out to your family and the young girl's family. They are both so young to be faced with such and adult situation in caring and keeping a baby. Parenting is never easy. It's often very confusing at the moment regarding our children when they come to you with questions about sex and it's often even more difficult when children are exposed to an older child. I have to agree the birds and the bees talk maybe went a little too far but I do not think that your fiance is a bad father. In direct regards to the situation rather than giving full detail was maybe begin discussing masturbation and the practices of at that age. It's trully a scary situation that the girl was so much older than your son because at 15 the girls and boys (not knocing either gender here) have been exposed to so much more than a boy or girl at the age of 13. Peer pressure hits harder which may be the reason that your son became sexually active. I have several questions regarding this. I do not know what state in which you reside but in my conversation posted "Birth Control at 12?" I utilized several different things. One of which was contacting children's services for advice and to find out what state laws say. I was highly impressed with what they had to say and offer as far as advice and it helped drasticlly in my decision. They stated that any pregnancy whether the father or the mother be under the age of 14 years old could be held legally liable if 1) The parents knowingly allowed the child to be sexually active and did nothing to very little to prevent the pregnancy from occuring. 2) This included but not limited to allowing the child be sexually active in the home 3) Allowing the child to have overnight stays with the opposite sex in the home. 4) Failure to provide birth control. 5) The age of consentual sex in my state is 14 years of age or older. The sexual abuse laws have become so strict that any sort of sexual contact with a child under the age of 14 could be considered Aggravated Sexual Assault of a Child, Indecency with a Minor Child, Sexual Abuse of a Minor Child or Continuous Sexual Abuse to a Minor Child. I'd whole heartedly like to know exactly who is being so vicious to a 13 year old boy and his parents being younger than the other party involved in this situation? There are many other concerns in this situation. 1) What decision has been made regarding this pregnancy? 2) What role if any (and I say this only because you've not expressed the other parent's views regarding the pregnancy) will your family take in raising and supporting this child? 3) What can be done to ensure that both this young girl and young boy finish their education so that later on when the baby is older they can both support this child? I do not wish to stem any sort of debate here. I can not imagion what every person involved in this situation can be thinking or feeling or the decisions that have to be made here. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that everything will work out not only for the best interest of the unborn child but with the children having the unborn child and families that have to help these children by coming together as one to make sure that all of the children have a positive outcome. Take Care & God Bless

Robin - posted on 04/12/2010

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as what has been stated, the kids did this not the dad! yes the dad did the right thing to protect his son! sorry let's face it kids sometimes just don't listen. sorry 2 say they have 2 learn the hard way! no none of us want them 2! but when they put something in there mind 2 do there going 2 do it. and i just would like 2 no what r the girls folks saying? u no they say girls mature faster than boys so what? kids r learning alot more this day and time faster than we ever did. sex just wasn't talked about. but with everything that's going on now in the world the dad should of talked 2 him and i agree show him about the comdom! my husbend works in the medical field and he has told me 11-17 yr olds is the highest rank 4 having hiv! so i hope all moms & dads will talk 2 there kids about having sex there life depends on it! but it's up 2 them 2 listen!!!(the kids)

Tracy - posted on 04/09/2010

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The conversation your husband had with his son was appropriate for a 16-17 year old, not a 12 year old. Eventhough he wanted to make sure he helped his son stay away from STD's and pregnancy, the son still didn't wear a condom or else the condom failed (failure rate is about 12%.) He may have tried to put one on, and it didn't go on as easily and fast as he had patience for, so he left it off. That's 12 year old for ya. No patience because they have no maturity. Your step son may have also interpreted your husband's talk as permission to have sex. Saying words is one thing, but showing him how to use a condom...actions speak louder than words. I think a good talk about sex for a 12 year old includes talking about emotions and respect for your own body. It includes information about failure rates of various forms of contraception, and exactly what happens to your body if you get chlamydia, gonorrhea, herpes, or HIV/AIDS. They need to hear why sex is a BIG repsonsiblity, both from a physical and an emotional perspective. I think your husband had the right idea but maybe should have been less informative about the condoms to his 12 year old.

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