Adolescent curiousity or more

Ramona - posted on 07/04/2010

YOur dd is looking sexual things on line!!! That is a red flag to me, at 9 my kids and my scouts, day care kids, none of them ever tried anything like that. As to the nephew, I would be keeping him at arm's length, not totally banning him, but only under well supervised meetings with your dd.

Jill - posted on 07/04/2010

Acting sexualized at a young age can be indicative of very poor social skills or this boy may have been sexually abused. ADHD doesn't lead a kid to these kind of actions. Since he's had a few incidents already I would supervise your kids with him. I just took a workshop on stopping youth from sexual harming, and it's recommended that therapy with the family take place. Kids who display this behaviors are not deviants and just need some help to straighten things out then the prognosis is good that they won't continue the behavior.

Valerie - posted on 06/27/2010

Angie's post is great and right on point for the most part. If the mom is aware of her son's conduct, she is probably mortified enough and hopefully is getting proper treatment whether that be behavioral, medicinal or a combination. I wouldn't cut ties with the family as they do need support, however you know that this boy, because of his ADHD and prior actions is going to act first and think later. I would NOT allow them to play alone and unsupervised at all. That is just a risk I would not be willing to make. I am curious where your daughter was googling things? Even at 11 my daughter isn't allowed internet access except in our living room with us in the same room. The computers are password protected too so that my husband and I are in charge of computer time. If it is happening somewhere else, I would be upset about someone else giving my kid access. You may have already done this, but it could be time for another one of those mom/daughter talks of "do you have any questions about..." and "you can always come talk to me about anything..." Tough situation and I wish you the best!

Monica - posted on 06/26/2010

What does his Mom say or do? If she does not know about his behavior I would let her know. If she does and does nothing about it, you have the right to let him know your expectations when he is at your house or with your girls. I don't think I would leave them unsupervised and the consequence of this type of behavior would be a ride home.
At this point I would not ban him from your girls or jump on the defiant band wagon, he is a young boy.. However, ADHD may be a reason for bad impulsive behavior, but it is not a free ride without consequences.
In the future if he ignores your warnings or continues these behaviors despite your efforts, then stop being around him.

Suzie - posted on 06/24/2010

Honey, get a clue. Your nine year old should not be googling anything. You should be supervising her more. Your step nephew sounds like a future sex offender. Your husband has a right to be livid. You should be also. The rate your daughter is going she will be sexually active by the time she is 13. Stop thinking there is nothing wrong because your daughter and step nephew might already be exploring. Get the boy away from your daughter and quit thinking like you were young. Well, maybe you should think like you were young and maybe you will not be allowing your daughter to be exsposed to things she is not ready for. Starting with t.v. and movies. Sounds like to you were a bit of an explorer at her age. If you don't want your daughter to be a teenage mom you better start changing things now.

Angie - posted on 06/22/2010

Hi... I have a preteen son who has ADHD. Really from the sounds of it your nephew is seriously typical... you really need to come alongside his mom and be understanding. Having a child with this is really difficult. It is the hardest thing I have had to deal with as a parent. The fact that he has it really says a lot for his impulsivity. He acts before he thinks. Now.. think of the male species as a whole... if they did that we would all be locking our bedroom doors to keep them at bay. On the other hand... the moss thing.. ya... that is him being a boy. What you described is so enormously mild compared to the things I have seen... thankfully not by my son, but I have learned to keep my eyes and ears peeled when he has friends over. From about 11 on they really get interested in their wee-who's, lol. And with the growing number of people who feel that young children need to use words like penis and vagina... oh yay guess what words are constantly coming out of kids mouths now! So ya.. he really sounds very 'on target' for his age. As for ADHD, he isn't an idiot and can make common sense decisions... he is just impulsive which means he says or acts before his 'filter' in his head can catch it and then is immediately remorseful because he didn't mean for it to come out. My son told me one time that he is a master at 'retrospect', lol... They really are good kids and are easily dubbed as monsters -- especially by people who have only girls... because not only do you have the 'boy' factor, but you have the ADHD factor as well which amplifies the 'boy' factor and people who have only girls don't understand that on any level.
You don't condone the behavior, and you shouldn't... but being the outcast is the biggest thing that ADHD kids have to deal with and I am sure his mothers heart is breaking too. I would, of course, keep in the back of your head to keep an ear out for things, but I would talk to the mom and let her know what your take on it is and then make a point to not spend any less time with them then you normally do. These kids are generally really sweet kids... you have to keep on them a lil more, but they really have good hearts and down the road he will look back and see the kindness that you show now. Your daughter is old enough to have a very basic talk about keeping her privates private and thats that. I would tell her that she should let you know if your nephew ever makes her feel uncomfortable. We tend to forget that our kids have 'red flag sensors' too... a lot of times you can tell if something warrants a freak out simply by watching how your child is reacting to it. I hear 'he kicked me in the nuts' or 'she smacked my butt' or 'SHE threw the toy at my privates' about 50 times a day... if it sounds like whiny tattling then it probably is... if your daughter quietly pulls you aside and says 'he touched me 'here'' or 'he said this...and it really made me uncomfortable' and she is visibly shaken... guess what.. there's your red flag. Kids are in and of themselves a 'full contact' sport. Things get bumped and hit and 99.9% of the time it is an accident pure and simple. Once the girls start developing, the boys will generally back off because it is unfamiliar to them.. and it is the unfamiliarity that is in our nature to keep us from getting hands on.

I really hope this helped... but really I hope you give your nephews mom a big hug cause I can guarantee that she really needs someone on her side to let her know that her son isn't a monster. Go with your gut, it won't fail you. Your nephew is so tame it isn't funny.. and I live in suburbia, lol.... I hear boys of that age talk about their 'ah hems' every couple minutes... you kindly let them know that gentlemen don't talk like that and you wait for a few minutes to repeat yourself, lol...

Tracey - posted on 06/19/2010

Easter - could have been an acccident. Rubbing moss incident is not an accident and if it were my girls I would not let them play with him alone.
I also think branding him a deviant is unhelpful and will cause more problems in the long term, someone needs to look at his medication or have a good talk with him. Does he realise his actions were offensive, I don't know much about ADHD but he may not have meant to upset anyone, or could have been showing off.
All kids are curious but they need to learn what they can say and do in company and what has to stay private.
What does his mother think about all of this?

Candice - posted on 06/14/2010

I agree, within this society it is hard to hid sexual images from our children. As for Ur nephew, his ADHD renders him from making common sense decisions. I had the same situation happen with our family but remarkably when their cousin went through his"life change" into becoming a man. He no longer took his medication and has not acted out sense. Most of the time when he did act out it was because of another child placing those thoughts into his head. It is normal to be curious but we are not dealing with normal circumstances. it's just wise to keep an eye out but not cage him. It is good to punish but not humiliate. One thing he needs is a caring friend "his safety blanket."