Anyone have a problem with kids grandmother? My mother is wealthy and buys my oldest son everything he wants, and the two younger treated very differently. I need advice now, tearing our family apart.

Christina - posted on 03/16/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )

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My mother's husband passed back in 2001. My first son had been the only grandchild for 6 years before his brothers came along in 97 and 99. when my step dad passed, my mother kept 'helping' (spoiling) my kids, but differently for all three. The older son is spoiled disproportionatly now that he's over 18. when he started to rebel (mildly) and got angry that myself and my husband insisted on the door to his room open, he got angry and I told all his friends to please leave. My son left too. Instead of facing the music, coming back home and talking, my son told me grandma invited him to live with her. I said no to my mother and she said she wanted him to. I protested but what could I do? Soon he was partying (beer and ?? - nothiing else seen or proven), at her house. Soon she said she was tired of it. I said, he should come home, but no, she secretly found a condo for him and bought it. my son told me she was going to do it and he was proud to start in his 'own place' she said he was going to get a job and pay the rent, he did not, he had several roomates, (she said my son would be like the landlord and collect rents from his friends. He never did. They all just lived there for free. She just shrugged. They partied music, beer, (they were not 21 , they 4 roomies were all 18-19 years old. My son was not yet in community college. They were fined maybe 5-6 times and my mother was angry and paid the association fees. She would give them ultimatums and they would promise to comply and soon another fine. The fines became silly, the association just wanted them out for the smoking (cigarrettes was only complaint), and cars revving outside and parties on their patio. Later the complaint was my son's dog barking at night, which was trumped up due to the fact that the dog was inside all night and was a quiet dog. nevertheless she paid. She had the last straw and my son and my mother stopped telling me anything about the time I even objected to him moving in. I constantly told her at every step not to do the things she was doing. (also before he moved out she disobeyed my wishes by buying him his first car under my nose while living at home. I was in the process of looking at cars for him. He had $6,000 to spend from me and my husband and she said one day, 'can I just take him to look?" I said, just look because this is something I'M DOING with him. they came back with a new car! Later after he had that car maybe 6 months he wanted a faster car (a sports car) and against my wishes AGAIN, she buys it for him!! She said to me, well, we're just trading it in...



Cut to the condo problems a few years later, now she is buying him a house because he can't have his dog at the condo. To boot just before I found out about this, I was at her house and noticed a file on her counter (it's a high counter and she places magazines for guests to read there), and the file had my son's name on it. She had recently had her business bag stolen and all of her files and this was one of the files that had been stolen and returned when a good samaratin had found them in a field near her house. I was worried initially that my sons social security number was written inside of it and the thieves had possibly made a note of it, so I opened it. (this was my mother's house and my son's file, so I didn't see any harm in checking it), and I found an arrest record! My heart sunk! Noone told me and the date was four months prior! He had been having another 'party' at the condo and got in his car to take his friend home, problem was even though the record said my son's blood alcohol level was .01, since he was under 21, they had to give him a DUI no matter what. They hide everything from me! I followed my mother with the file to show her and ask her why she did not tell me these things and why does she disrespect me? and why does she give him everything he wants that he needs me and he needs limits and not all these things and she told me that 'he made her promise not to tell me!!!' and she also said, 'what could I do? I am in the middle!!!' She then told me not to talk to her, she does not respect my wishes, my pleadings, my direction (which is always politely told), She says, he's over 18 and she 'can do whatever she wants with her money!



She is a business owner in a business that makes over 30 million a year (a food business) and I do not have the money to give my son the things she does nor would I ever lead him down this type of life. I told her that all she does is not listen to me and disrespect me and she is killing my son! She told me to leave her alone and that she did not want to talk about it. I have fought for my son and I was so angry and hurt and felt so pushed out of my son's life and disrespected by her that I just screamed and took my cloth purse and swung it up agains the wall (it was empty except for a small makeup bag) and walked to the door, i reached for the handle and she grabbed it and she caught it telling me not to slam it (which I wasn't)...as I left I told her 'screw you! (which I never talk to her like that), and she said "F" you, bi***h! I did not speak to her for four months. Her best friend contacted me and wanted to take me to lunch. I did not go, I made an excuse. Later my aunt came in from another state and I told her everything. She is on good terms with my mother but has never agreed to what she saw my mother was doing with my oldest. I told how it had gotten so bad over the year and a half since my aunt was around. I told my aunt the entire story by email. I'm not sure if she ever talked to my mother about it. But for my mother's birthday my aunt wanted to know what was happening, (my mother gives alot of money to other family members and also is my employer at the food company), so I said that my boys younger ones, wanted to go to her house to give her a gift and bring dinner to her. I delivered them, but my aunt and mother suggested that we all go to dinner. So we did. I was respectful and did not bring up these problems. she probably thinks I'll just accepts what's going on. But since now a month and a half ago, I never call, and drop the kids off once in a while without going in. My son has started to talk to me and calls me to tell me what's going on with his court dates now. I'm in a very sad situation. I've lost my son, my younger ones are jealous of the older one's treatment, and yet i tell them that they cannot and will not follow the same path. I don't want them spoiled and these things to happen to them. The result is that they (12 and 14) have said to me that the older one is "the prince,' 'the favorite' and it breaks my heart. Also, I was robbed of 'firsts' with my son. 'first job' (she got it for him), 'first car' (she got it for him), "first apartment - condo in this case" (again, she was the one to get it for him), Now, since he couldn't have his dog (she's adopted it), she's looking for a house for him. At least he's in community college. But on Instagram I just found pictures of pot plants and liquor and drunken joking pictures taken in his condo. I feel like checking out sometimes. someone who has had the courage to read all of this please offer your opinions and ideas on what I should do. I am DESPERATE. I cry all of the time for my sons and now genuinely HATE my mother.

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Christina - posted on 03/17/2012

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Thank you so much for your comment. You are right. I have told her it was all wrong what she was doing, but I need to actually give her that ultimatum. I don't want to keep the other children from her (they see herr in bits) but I've been thinking the same way that actually she does not deserve to see them, and to boot, it is too dangerous (yes, I say dangerous, in that she has started the spoiling, but in smaller version)... They wanted to see her after math tutoring (she lives near there) & I dropped them off ( I made an excuse about having to go pick up my dogs), and she was set to just take them to dinner. Without asking me about the extra trip, she takes them to go buy books. Well buying books is a noble & educational gift right? Butt they came back with excessive amounts of books & a couple were same Hunger Games books I had already bought them. Difference? She said these were better. Because she bought them in hardcover for the boys!! I am so DONE!! Well thanks 4 your advice. I am so sorry about your.

Niece. It's so sad she's in foster (social) care. Loss is a really tough thing & it sounds.as though

Her grandmother is "medicating" her loss or "compensating" feeling not affective at fixing the situation by spoiling . I hope the girl goes to counseling. My son bows up if I suggest it. My mother tells me to go because of that one outburst, but even my husband knows she's the catalyst for the biggest problem in our family. But now I need to go because I am so hurt by the

Loss of my son and my mother. Thanks & be well..

Louise - posted on 03/17/2012

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Your mother is a big problem to your children. She thinks she is buying their love she is not she is spoiling them for life. I know how you feel and I have seen this happen. My mother in law lavishes money and gifts to my niece. My sister in law died and since my niece was 2 she has had every thing and more in compensation for the loss of her mother she never knew. Now aged 17 she is a spoilt brat with such a temper she has had to leave the home and go into social care. Although the whole family can see what a little cow she is my mother in law keeps giving her everything she asks for and would do anything for her rather than risk an out burst. It is so sad because the damage is now done.



I think for your other childrens sake I would cut her out of your life if she can not step back and realise what she is doing. Your elder son should be at college and living at home obeying the rules of the house not partying and sponging off his grandmother. He obviously has no self pride and is happy to use her as a personal bank. What is this teaching him for the future. When she passes away he is going to have such a shock, and only then will he realise what a complete prat he has been. Until then I am afraid he is lost to you.



I mean, lets face it, as a teenager if somebody offered you all that freedom to do what you want, when you want you are not going to say no are you. Just try and keep the lines of communication open with him because one day he will need you more than he knows.



Try and sit down with your mum and tell her what you see is going on and if she denies it or refuses to listen then inform her that you will not have any contact with her until she changes and that she will not have access to your other children. Surely this is enough to persuade her to change. If not, stand by what you say! Difficult I know!

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