anyone know or deal with parental alienation in canada?

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Sarah - posted on 10/10/2013

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Michelle: I'm so sorry you have to experience this-I know first hand how frustrating and difficult it is. I have 2 girls now 18 & 14. The 18 year old caught in to my ex from the beginning and spent her entire childhood feeling like she had to protect me and her younger sister from what she knew were lies and manipulation. He is a classic narcissist. He couldn't get to her so she slowly became 2nd to her younger sister who was too young to see or manage his toxic influence. As my oldest became more independent there was more one on one time with my youngest and her father stepped up the manipulation and made it clear that when she agreed with or took on the same beliefs she was rewarded with extra special attention and material items her sister was excluded from. In the last year since my oldest has been away at University my 14 year old has become more and more distant, uncooperative, defiant and generally doesn't want to spend any time with me or do anything together. My knowledge from all the research I've done on the effects parents who are NPD led me to PAS research. I have spoken with my lawyer, family doctor and mental health professionals in an effort to help her with the goal of minimizing the toxic damage this inflicts on them for the rest of her life that results in a less than full life riddled with low self esteem and inability to make the best decisions for themselves throughout adulthood. The sad reality is there is nothing the legal or medical community can do without you providing them with meticulous details information that depicts his actions as intentional PAS. You also need a deep pocket as it is a very expensive process that has no guarantee of a judge seeing, believing or making the right decision in the best interest of the child. What you can do is live your life to the fullest and provide them with a healthy role model that they will remember when they are intellectually mature enough to figure it all out. Remember they are the victim even though you feel like (and probably are) the target and intended victim. Love them unconditionally, never speak unkind words of their father or openly blame him for anything. Have faith in your child and believe they have what it takes to endure this even when you feel there is no hope. No matter what it takes enforce the parenting schedule...most orders do not give authorities/police the right to retrieve or enforce custody arrangements-if this is the case have it changed via a motion to do so. You will need to show evidence of all days he did not comply to acquire this and a lawyer who knows the system. If you have the financial means available hire a lawyer to represent the children...this takes you out of the equation and any accusations your ex makes about you will be managed and defended accordingly in the best interest of the child. There is no logic in their twisted actions at the expense of their own children-they are sick in some way and mentally deficient and immature. You are not dealing with a rational person. You may at times question or doubt yourself because the very nature of their wrath is inconceivable to you. Try not to succumb to doubt...stop at nothing to protect your child and be prepared for a long battle. The courts may not see your side - your efforts may not produce results but any outcome from anyone or anything outside of yours will not compare to you, and your child, having to live with the pain/guilt of knowing you didn't do everything you could to protect them for the rest of your lives. I truly believe there is nothing more powerful than a mother's love for her children and we are capable of achieving what seems impossible at 3 a.m. when all is dark and we are exhausted in every way possible. Don't let him break you...and I say this knowing its one of the hardest things you will ever face...it can be lonely...I'm still on my journey to protect my daughter...if there is anything I've learned its that I was wrong when I thought I had nothing left to give. Don't give up!!!

Irene - posted on 06/19/2013

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Michele - Parental alienation is fairly difficult for a parent to be successful at with a child who is as old as your son...it has to start much earlier. Is there something that occurred in your home that could be causing your child to want to stay with his father (ie. a stepfather/boyfriend he doesn't get along with)?

Ultimately, the courts and police won't be able to do much since at 14 your son's opinion does matter. The view point of the court is that there is no point enforcing custody if the child will just keep running away. If he is safe then I'd let him stay with his dad for awhile (don't fight it) and focus on trying to get him to grab lunch/dinner with you so he can see you aren't mad.

Michele - posted on 06/18/2012

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Especially in the case of my just turned 14 year old boy. We have always been very close but his dad took him from me without any notice and now my son hardly wants to see me! It's been almost a month now, he is supposed to see me tomorrow but his dad keeps playing games with me when it comes time to get him. Any advice or suggestions would be helpful. I have full custody and his father has been ordered by the courts to return him to me, however, because of his age, both the lawyers, law enforcement, and family services say there is nothing they can do unless he expresses the desire to return home himself.

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