Are there any step moms out there?

Jill - posted on 07/19/2009 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I have 2 step kids that are grown..Not living with us..Anyway my step kids are not close to me at all..They don't even hug me or call me mom..I really try to be apart of there lives but they just cant accept that there dad married such a young wife..Any ideas??

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Barbara - posted on 07/19/2009

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My husband and I married a year ago. I have two of my own, and he has 3 from two previous marriages. My step-son is 19, and step-daughters are 14 and 8. My advice, especially with older step-children, is to let them know that you are not trying to take the place of their mother. When in your home they should respect it as their own, and treat you like they would the rest of their family, but they will never think of you as their own mother. Get to know them and be friends with them if you can, but understand that. My step-son lived with us for 3 years before joining the army, he now lives in Germany with his wife. I am proud to say that I am closer to him than he is with his birth mother, but he never did and never will call me mom. He and I have more of a friendship than a parent- child relationship. My 14 year old step daughter rarely comes to see us, and I think she sees me more as her father's wife, than a step-mother, or a friend. I would like to be closer with her, but I don't think it will ever happen. We get along, but we don't really have much of a relationship to speak of. As to the 8 year old, she spends summers with us, since she lives 10 hours away with her mother. During our time together she takes to me as sort of a replacement mom, and enjoys when we get to have one on one time together, but she doesn't call me mom, and often when her real mom is around she will not even tell me she loves me. I guess my main point is that you will never be their "mom". You should accept that and take whatever relationship you can from them. Love them as your own children, and know that in time they will love you in their own way.

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Heather - posted on 11/26/2012

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Never expect to be called mom. If children already have a mom or dad you don't want them to feel like you're trying to replace them. I have 2 biological children of my own but their biological dads aren't in their lives so my boyfriend stepped up to be their dad. My boyfriend has 3 biological children and I'd never expect them to call me mom. They have a mom already. I love them as my own and treat them as my own but I'm not here to replace their mommy. They're only 6, 5, & 2 so I'm not sure about the older ones and your situation. Try to be a friend!

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I've been a stepmom for 17 years. My stepdaughter was 2 so I thought it was going to be an easy transition since she would never remember her parents being married. First, don't think your stepkids should call you "Mom". You're not their mother. If they have a mom and they're with their mom the majority of the time that is their mom so why would they call someone else that? Grown kids? How old? Think about your thoughts when you were their age and now add some adult you don't really know into the mix and imagine how unimportant that person would've been to you.



I know how you feel, only worse though. My stepdaughter pretended to love me but then revealed by her actions and lies and manipulations that she never liked me the whole time. Now I feel as though I'm in your same shoes, only with a 17 year relationship that I poured my heart and soul into that I was just basically divorced from.



My loving advice I can give you is to not expect much from them, that way you'll be less disappointed in them. Understand that they've been practically forced into trying to except this person they don't know into their personal lives and it will take time for them to decide if they want to include you in their lives or not. Teenagers and young adults have a lot of stuff going on in their hearts and minds and sometimes they just don't have room to deal with us. We're on the bottom of their priority list. It's your husband's responsibility to be proactive in their lives and if they have their mom it's yours also. Don't take on all that baggage unecessarily, especially if they begin being outright disrespectful.

Lucy - posted on 10/23/2012

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From their point, you are a stranger to them and just another person...affection is something that either comes naturally or it doesn't. Don't expect anything and you will never be disappointed. Have you tried hugging them first...if they resist, let it go...you cannot force them to do anything...be corgial, polite and respectful and allow things to fall the way they do. You will be happier this way. You have to understand that they do not live with you, so how can they feel as if you are a parent...as far as they are concerned, you are just their dad's wife...leave it alone!

Donna - posted on 10/18/2011

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I've been a step-Mom for over 16 years. When I met my husband the kids were 7, 5, & 2. At first our daughter hated me, she even told me, when she was older & knew that she could tell me anything. Anyway she "hated" me, she told me because she thought I "stole" her dad away from her mom & her. She's 26 now & she's my best friend. We've been very close since that 1st year, where she saw for herself, that I do love her Dad, & how much I love him & them.

I backed off in the beginning, just treated her as a friends kid-it makes it easier on you & them. When we got married-I told them I am there step-mother, & I am married to their father now & there's nothing they can do to change that. I also told them, "You don't have to call me Mom, you have a mother & I will never try & be her. If you want to call me Mom that's great, I would be so happy but if not that's up to you". My husband told them that he will not tolerate them not showing me any respect or giving me a hard time or listening to what I tell them since I am there 2nd Mother & I am responsible for them. He also told them not to put them in a position to choose between them or me, because they will not like his choice.

Knowing that their father was behind me & that I'm not a bad person, we all became friends & by the time we were married we were a family.

I'm not saying it's easy-I still have problems with our sons, but they know that they can come to me for anything & everything. I always stressed that to them. I said, whether you like me or not, you can always come to me to talk about anything & everything. If you need help with anything come to me. They do. LOL-even before my husband or their mother they come to me. When my sons were going out with their girlfriends & it was their 1st serious girlfriends, my husband had the talk with them etc. but I'm the one that gave them their 1st box of condoms. My husband was so flustered and didn't know what to say-I told him-what you think they haven't? Aren't going to? I rather have them know that if they are or going to-to wear protection & if they don't have any & can't get any to come to me. Nothing wrong with that. I took my daughter & got her on the pill for the same reason.

My step-mother made me call her Mom & my father didn't say anything about it. She tried to be my mother & thought she was better than my mother. I treated her with respect because of my father. Now that they are divorced I don't acknowledge her at all, for different reasons.

I know they may never call me Mom, does it hurt me, Yes-they know it does but they are not comfortable calling me mom so it's something I & you are going to have to live with.

Talia - posted on 07/27/2009

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I have a step-mother and I am a step-mother to a 13 year old boy. I have been with his father since he was 3 and at times our relationship can be strained. Early on before we got married, I let my step-son know that I am not trying to replace his mother, but that I demand respect. He has given little problems. We have a good relationship now. He does not call me mom and really I do not want him to, he has a mother. He does refer to me as his mom, when we are out as a family. Really, with grown children, I recommend that you aim to be their friend and work at developing that relationship.

Rebecca - posted on 07/27/2009

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I am 24 and have a 10 year old step son who lives with us. being a step mum is hard but just relaxing with them and letting them know that you are there for them is a start. Doing one to one activities with them can sometimes help it is all about building up a friendship before you can be anything othe than there dads partner. They hav to come to you because the more that you push them the furthur away they go.

Nedra - posted on 07/22/2009

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I have one 14 year old step son that lived with us for about 3 years, then he went back to stay with his mom. At one point when he was younger he did call me mom, but I believe someone on his mother's side told him to stop calling me that. We have a distant relationship at times. I am a more strict than my husband. My husband and I have a 10 year old daughter together. It can be very strained at times. I over heard my step son tell my neighbors son (in front of me), she is not my mother. I told him I was not trying to be, but that he would respect me.

KENYETTA - posted on 07/21/2009

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I AM A STEP MOM OF 2 GIRLS 10 & 11; IT TOOK A LONG TIME FOR THEM TO COME AROUND BUT THEY FINALLY CAME AROUND. DON'T FORCE IT. LET THEM DO IT ON THEIR OWN. I HAVE BEEN WITH THEIR FATHER SINCE THEY WERE 4 & 5; THEY CALL ME MOM NOW; THEY JUST LOOK AT THEY HAVE 2 MOMS. BUT THEY LIVE WITH ME AND VISIT THEIR BIOLOGICAL MOM ON SOME WEEKENDS WHEN SHE'S NOT TOO LAZY OR HAVE SOME KIND OF EXCUSE WHY SHE CAN'T GET THEM;

Jessica - posted on 07/20/2009

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I'm a step mom but have my child full time and she was 3 when my husband and I got together. So completely different situation.

But my dad remarried the same year I got married. So I might be able to give advise on that end.

My dad was dating his wife before my mom knew the marriage was over. So that might be different from you situation.

But don't ever expect to be called mom from them. They are already older and have a mom. If and when they start call you mom is on their terms. I know I will never been close with my dad's wife. I wouldn't even call her a step mom to be honest. But even if they started dating after my parents marriage instead of during. The most you could expect from me is to except that it's my dad's wife and treat her with respect. I wouldn't hug her or anything like that. She once wrote me a letting and signed it with love. It truely made me ill.

So ok my advice is just be interested and do what you are doing. Don't push the love and mom stuff on them. If it's there it will happen over time. But I wouldn't expect the mom word to fly out of their mouth anytime soon. I would probably expect more of a friendship than a parenting role.

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