boyfriend doesn't like my grown kids

Cindy - posted on 11/20/2010 ( 22 moms have responded )

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Okay, I'm a single mom of 3 grown children and 11 yr old. my adult daughter, age 20 and her boyhfriend live with me along with 11 yr old daughter. My boyfriend came into my life about 8 months ago and when I introduced them to my kids they seem to like each other. about 4 months into it my bf thought that my 20yr old daughter. and her 22 yr old bf take adavantage of me. I have been a stay at home mom for the life of my kids except for the last 3 years. I admit that they are spoiled as I did everything because I stayed home. They are both slobs and leave messes where ever they go and I just clean up after them. Its just me and Im used to doing it so most of the time I think nothing of it. My bf starts fights with me all the time about how I should kick them out and if I don't plan on doing that then he will break up with me. He says they are grown and need to get out on there own. They both work full time and between the both of them they make $18 an hour. they pay for there cars and insurance and buy there own clothes and personal things. My bf even gets mad when I make dinner and make enough for them. He feels that they should always cook there own food and buy there own food. It doesn't bother me to cook for them and its not that much more money to cook a couple more pieces of chicken.(My finaces are not to good right now but daughters bf does give me $100 wk rent). Anyway, I don't have a problem helping them out and them living with me because I know that it would be hard and almost impossible at this stage in there life to move out on there own. By the way, the reason daughters boyfriend lives with us is because his father is a an alcholic and abusesive so I let him move in. Its been almost a year. My boyfriend doesn't live with me but stays over a lot. Should I listen to my boyfriend and force them out even if I really don't want to for the sake of our relationship. My daughter knows he fells this way and now cant stand him. She tells me I'm letting him control me and tell me what to do. Maybe she's right.

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Karen - posted on 11/23/2010

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It's your house,your rules!!!!!!Don't ever forget that!!!! If your boyfriend doesn't like it,out he goes!!!!Family,first!!! When I met and started dating my now husband.I had three boys.My oldest(20yrs) and his girlfriend lived with us,then my middle(17,at the time),and my youngest(16,at the time).My oldest and his gf were a little sloppy,too.But,I would make a chore list for all of us(except boyfriend because he didn't live with us) to follow.We all had our responsibilities,and rotated every week.My boyfriend asked why my oldest and his gf were still living with me.I told him to help them get their start.He was very encouraging to all my kids.Instead of giving them a hard time about being there,he sat down with my son and became a father figure to him.He asked what my son's goals were for the future.Then began helping him build and follow the steps to achieve them.We've only been married since Jan ,and he is currently deployed to Iraq.But he keeps in touch with "his boys",and tells them he loves them.The neat part,they say it back.They would never say it if they didn't mean it.Talk to your boyfriend and your daughter about the future.See how you and he as roll models can help guide her and her bf to a bright future.Then,all is happy.It makes a difference to your children,no matter how old they are,to know you have faith in them.They still want to make you proud. Well,hope my experience has helped you.

Patty - posted on 11/23/2010

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I think a couple things. a) your boyfriend has only been with you 8 months so he shouldn't be telling you how to deal with your kids. b) you should work out a more adult focused living arrangement with your daughter and boyfriend. ie. they need to pay a specific amount of rent each month (more than $100/wk), plus you need to work out food arrangements, like they cook on certain days or buy half the food or whatever works for you. By establishing strict rules, you will be respecting them, and they will respect you which will prepare them for moving out on thier own. I would not kick them out simply because your boyfriend says you should, they have done nothing wrong as far as I can tell.

Rotacha - posted on 11/21/2010

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Mama, you're during your daughter a dis-service. You're trying to protect her from the hardships of life, when actually your job should be to prepare her to over come them!! My mother is doing the exact thing w/ my sisiter! The situations are similar to yours. My sister, her 2 kids and Fiancee all live w/ my mother. Her kids are 13 & 11. They have always lived w/ my mother! As an independent woman, whom moved out of state w/ no friends and family, been a single mother for the last 8 yrs, purchased my own home 7 yrs ago, I look at the situation as an outsider. There are no plans,NONE, for my sister and her family to move. Why should they? Life is good when you don't have the responsibilities that come w/ adulthood.. Like a mortgage, & property taxes, utility bills,etc! Grown ups, should make plans to move out!! Struggling is a part of the process! As for you're daughter boyfriend living there, I thinks it's disrespectful and unacceptable, regardless of how much he pays for rent. I'm sure he can get an efficency appt for $400 a month. Anyway, when I turn the keys to unlock my home, that I struggle to maintain for myself and daughter, I feel a sense of pride that is priceless!!

Laura - posted on 11/21/2010

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I think your boyfriend makes some excellent points and your daughter COULD have a point:

First, your boyfriend makes good sense: You need to let your kids "grow up" and live on their own. If they both are working full time they are making enough money to spend on their own place. By not insisting that they live on their own you are enabling their lazy attitude and lack of self-motivation. This is not healthy, psychologically, for them in the long run. You are in control of YOUR house so you can set the rules: They have (3, 4, 6, your choice) months to save up enough money to get their own place. If they don't move out by the deadline, rent goes up (charge what any apartment in your area averages) and you will no longer fix meals (or perform any of the other tasks you might be doing for them). There will be strict curfews/rules that they will need to follow. You can even draft a "contract" stating these changes for them to sign. By signing this, it does become a legal document that can be used in court. Those are your terms for your daughter and her boyfriend.

From what you describe, it doesn't actually sound that your boyfriend "controls" you. He is cetainly voicing his concerns, but to date, you have not changed anything on his account. You still seem to be in control of the situation! That being said, if he is putting any pressure on you to kick you daughter out OR he will leave the relationship (giving you an ultimatum), well, then the red flags go up and I would be cautious as your daughter's point might have some validity. If you feel your boyfriend is trying to manipulate you in any way, then your daughter might have a point about control. If, though, he is simply expressing his opinion with no expectations of you changing your behavior, then your daughter is the one who is actually trying to control you and the situation! Ultimately whatever you do will be your decision to make. Don't let ANYONE tell you otherwise! Best of luck to you!

Kylie - posted on 12/04/2010

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To me there is no ultimatum, your kids come first... If the boyfriend can't accept this get rid of him!!

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Sally - posted on 10/29/2012

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If you think your bf is bad no, wait till you're married. Dump the bf, keep tHe kids. YOU can do much, much better.

Sally - posted on 10/28/2012

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You shouldn't be having your boyfriend stay over in front of your kids since that's setting a really lousy example. You basically give your daughter an unspoken "it's ok to whore yourself out" except that she's a kid still and face it, there is no "love" when you're still a kid. So for her sake, knock it off.



NO, do not have your child move out because your boyfriend throws a tantrum. If he wants to commit in marriage, then you can discuss it. But if not, no way. That's your kid and YOU are the parent - not your boyfriend.



Last, her boyfriend has other friends. Let him stay at their place. That's crossing the common sense line for sure..

Julie - posted on 12/03/2010

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It's always hard when we care about someone and our kids don't feel similarly, but in this case, I think your heart is telling you you would like to continue to help your daughter and her boyfriend out and I think that is part of your giving nature. I wish your boyfriend valued your generosity as well, but if he can't see it that way, I think you have to follow your heart can continue to care for your daughter until you or she is ready to move out...

Suzie - posted on 11/28/2010

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Your babies are your babies and always will be. If your children are in school then they should live at home. Mine does but if they just work then they need their own place. Boyfriend or not your daughter isn't in school then she needs to be on her own. She will never learn how to take care of herself. She will always have someone taking care of her. Noone said you could not love her and help her with her in another house. Praying everything works out for you.

Sherri - posted on 11/27/2010

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Your boyfriend is WRONG!! I have no intention of making my kids leave until they have graduated college and completely able to support themselves without going into debt to do so. I am imagining that will be between 24-26 yrs old. I will continue to cook for them and do there laundry. They will have to pay rent about $50 a wk, and there own personal expenses car, clothes etc.

Aimee - posted on 11/25/2010

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I must speak on this note.first i want to start by saying how sorry i am for you.I know how must feel,you love your bf,and want a life with him.But your kids,are your life,your best friends.they have always been there,and you love them to death.can't say more,there your baby's no matter how old they are.If he don't pay your bills,and It's your house.He really can't say much of any thing.Do what you feel is best in your heart,and i know it's you always want your kids home.so don't do something that will make you not sleep good at night.yes,there getting older.but so what,keep them your little baby's for how ever long they will let you.I know some things he tells you,are true.like,they can pick up after there self.And there is nothing wrong with you cooking dinner for them,don't you cook for him as well.But if they do work,and make money.then i belive they should help buy some of the food for the house.But do what makes you happy,he can either stay and love you,with the kids in his life.or he can be alone,The kids where here first,and they will be here after.so keep your kids there,you would be so unhappy,if they was not there.my kids are 14 and 9,but my bf tells me things about my kids as well.so i know how you must feel,Tell him the kids stay,because they are your life,your kids.so he will have to deal with it,or someone else will.good luck!

Suzie - posted on 11/25/2010

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Your boyfriend is right to some degree. For one you have an 11 daughter in the house and you let your oldest live with here boyfriend there. No, I don't think so. The boyfriend is 22 he should have his own place if he is working full time. Your daughter should have her own place also. Yes, it is great they give you a $100 a week. I know it helps but it is not enough. They eat food, use electricity, water, gas, cable and treat you like a maid. You work and still have to take care of them. Why would it be impossible for them to be on their own? You and your husband did it and many others have, too. They put themselves on a budget. Your children our yours and you love them but don't you think it is time for them to move out. Sooner or later they need to take on the responsiblity of life. The time is now. Support them and help them with getting their own place. Not with money but just being there through it all. You can do this. God bless.

Jennifer - posted on 11/25/2010

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SO here is my 2 cents worth.. First of all it's no ones business but yours as to who and how you chose to raise your kids... Including your BF. who honestly has only been in the picture for 8 mts.. It's neither his place or his right to intrude on your family.. If he was a contrubting person to the house hold he may have some say.. but as he is not even co habitating wiht you... it's non of his business. I would have him kicked to the curbe for that type of behaviour. It's not his kids, his money, or his time. What you chose to do with YOUR kids is your choice.

As for your daughter. ALthough your being helpful by permitting them to stay at home wiht you. you really are not doing her any favors. If she's not paying rent. she needs to leave. BTW. paying rent does not mean she get's out of chores. Your her mom, not her slave. I get dinners.. It's much easier to make one mess clean it up as a family and more enjoyable to eath together. But here is the thing.. If your cooking dinner.. she should be cleaning it up. It's that kind of trade off that will make her life in the long run a better one.

That said.. It's your life, you get to chose how you want to live it and if being maid to your children makes you happy than do what works for you.
Best of luck

Patricia - posted on 11/25/2010

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Hey Cindy :)
I have read almost all of these inputs and while there is a point to be made (are you doing a disservice to your grown children by letting them live w/you, cooking for them, etc.) I HANDS DOWN HAVE to agree with Rose:
Your boyfriend laying the ultimatum that your children leave or he does makes him TOTALLY out of line. It's not like your daughter is 30 and still living at home. 20 is still kind of young. I know my view would have been different a few years ago but I, too, have 2 daughters; 19 and 18 years old. Even though it is at times hard and I don't always get the help around the house that I need (at lease her boyfriend gives you some money), I would NEVER allow ANYONE to make me choose between the relationship or my children. Yes, Cindy, your daughter IS right about this. Hopefully you and your boyfriend can work this out without him making you choose.
I am Praying for you and this situation as I type this
God Bless :)
Patti

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Hi! I just became friends with a person, not to long ago and she has the same exact problem.If it were me I would tell my daughter and her botfriend they need to be grown-ups and take care of themselves. If they can not respect me enough to atleast clean up after themselves then they need to go. My advice to you though is (which is the same advice I gave her), this was going on before he came along, so he needs to keep his nose out of it. If you are comfortable with the way things are then don't let some one else come into your life and try to take over!!!! He might just be looking out for you, but it hasn't even been a year in the relationship and he doesn't live in the home or pay the bills don't let him walts right into your life and take over. He does sound a bit controlling!
Thanks, ): o ) Beth

Candace - posted on 11/23/2010

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It's simple. What do you think? I personally would lose the boyfriend and keep the kids. You can find a new b/f that lets you think for yourself. Good Luck!

Michelle - posted on 11/23/2010

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My sister and her husband and their 3 kids lived at my mothers house for years....I constantly saw my mother cleaning, cooking, etc....until my sister had an eye opener that it really isnt so bad to be independent and stopped sponging off mum....
You to her are just a good convenience cause if i had someone doing that for me why on earth would you want to give that up.
One question i asked my mother is doing you enjoy being a slave to them????? So do you?????
Dont mean to be blunt but you have a life go and enjoy it and dont live for them they will work it out

Rose - posted on 11/23/2010

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Hi Cindy

Men come and go. Your kids (even adult) are for life. When my mother died, my step father of 33 years started dating. His new girlfriend wasn't interested in him coming to her with a family. Past attachments cause complications and didn't allow for all his focus to be on her. I am a married adult with 3 kids and we are independent. When he bought Easter gifts for my 3 kids, his grandkids, she was horrified by his waste of money that could have been spent on her.. He listened to her. After losing their grandmother, my kids lost their last grandparent due to his choice. We haven't seen or heard from him since . I understand , however, he isn't with that woman any longer. After 33 years in the role of father and 8 years in the role of grandfather, he pushed his family away for a woman he knew for less than a year. You have only known this man for 8 months. Your children are your flesh and blood. If it were me, I'd kick him to the curb, just for him suggesting you choose between him and your own children.

Rose

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I've been a step parent and honestly i saw the bad side of what my step daughter was doing way before my husband did just because i was not emotionally attached to her like he was. I do not think you should throw them out but maybe tell them to help out cleaning their own messes up etc. Things like laundry and cooking for them well if your happy to do it carry on but dont let them walk all over you because they probably will and thats what your boyfriend is probably trying to say. On the other hand your boyfriend sounds like a bit of a control freak as your daughetr points out. If he really loved you he would not ask you to choose between him and your daughter. I hated what my stepdaughter was doing and yes my husband and i would argue about it constantly but i never wanted to walk out on him and i never asked him to get rid of her because I love him and know that she was part of the package.

Maribel - posted on 11/22/2010

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My opinion would be that you do need to push your daughter and her boyfriend to move out and establish their owns lives. You are making it too easy for them and this is a dis-service to them. They will not build up the skills that they to to be successful in life. You are basically an enabler to their bad habits.

On another note, I do not believe that your boyfriend is approaching his concerns with you in an appropriate manner. Giving you ultimatums and starting fights with you also shows his immaturity. I would think twice about continuing in a relationship with him. Very early in the relationship he is showing an ugly side, can you imagine once he lives with you and is completely comfortable? Good luck

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