co-ed sleepovers

Kimberly - posted on 10/17/2009 ( 17 moms have responded )

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My 11 yo daughter wants to have a co-ed sleepover for her birthday party. I know these kids and they are still young and innocent so that is not an issue. I told her no-way that boys and girls do not have sleepovers together and with no further questions of why not I just left it at that. Truth is, I just don't want to have to deal with co-ed sleepover requests when she is older and am telling her no now in hopes that she will get the fact that it will never happen. Am I wrong or just too old fashioned? I want to be a modern mom but some things are beyond my comprehension.

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DEBRA - posted on 10/28/2009

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In my opinion you are doing the right thing....Don't worry about what others do or think!! I don't see you as old fashion just a mom who is trying to protect her child from future problems. You know the ones after the hormones kick in....Keep up the good work!!!!!

Renay - posted on 10/27/2009

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i totaly agree,my daughter would get the same answer,,u start it now were dose it end, i dont think you are old fasioned i would never be aloud a boy to sleep over.

Renay - posted on 10/27/2009

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Quoting Yvonne:






Quoting Yvonne:I agree with you a 100 percent.






 






Quoting Kimberly:

co-ed sleepovers

My 11 yo daughter wants to have a co-ed sleepover for her birthday party. I know these kids and they are still young and innocent so that is not an issue. I told her no-way that boys and girls do not have sleepovers together and with no further questions of why not I just left it at that. Truth is, I just don't want to have to deal with co-ed sleepover requests when she is older and am telling her no now in hopes that she will get the fact that it will never happen. Am I wrong or just too old fashioned? I want to be a modern mom but some things are beyond my comprehension.






 









 





 

Kimberly - posted on 10/20/2009

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Thanks everyone for your input. You have provided some very different points of view, all of which I can appreciate. I want to let you know the co-ed party went well and the all girls sleepover was a hit. Old fashioned or modern mom, I still don't know but I feel right with the decision I made.

Cristie - posted on 10/20/2009

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I have 7 children and only one of them is a girl (12). we have sleepovers all of the time and with 6 brothers she is always around boys at home and when their friends stay over she is there as well. At this stage i see no problem with boys and girls sleeping over. I have a very good relationship with my kids and they confide in me. I trust them and i know that if there was ever to be a problem they would come to me.

We have rules in our home but those rules change as the kids get older and hit different stages in their lives. I feel that if a child asks why they could have a co-ed sleepover when they 11 but now that they are 14 they cant then you sit down and explain your reasons to the rule change, this is not hard to do.. Curfew times change as they get older, what they are allowed to do changes as they get older.. so too can co-ed sleepovers.

Ann - posted on 10/19/2009

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WOW...Relax...I was not making an assumption about you, but what I have encountered here in the small town we live in. I did not deserve the tongue lashing you implied. You asked the question. If you do not want to hear opposing views, then don't ask. I have 3 healthy, active, TRUSTWORTHY, well adjusted GIRLS.

Even my 15 year old boy co-worker agrees that it is wrong. ...and he comes from a family of 7 that were ALL HOME SCHOOLED. I asked his opinion because he is a Male.

re-read what I posted. I was talking about the parents in the community I am around,about the drinking thing. You were out of line. Sheesh.

Shannan - posted on 10/19/2009

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I do not agree with co-ed sleep overs. I think that it will be to hard to let her have them when she is young then tell her it's not approprate when she is older. You can call it "old fashioned" but I think that it is good advice. She's eleven now, just think in a few short years she will be 16 or 17 and how would you explain to her then that her boyfriend can't stay over if you let her have the party. She would not have forgotted her 12 year old birthday party by then. Also what if one of the boys that stays over now, later becomes her boyfriend. That would just be an issue that you and her don't need.

Old fashioned or not.

[deleted account]

Wow. Clearly my world is so completely and polar opposite of the world that you, Ann, come from. My kids, and the kids they are friends with are some of the most self-aware, confident, intelligent and competent people I know, regardless of age. The simple fact that our kids are not in a public school situation means that we have a very different relationship with our kids. They confide in us, for one, and we don't experience the troubled teen stereotype that our culture promotes. For another, we have our eyes and ears as parents on how they interact with their friends, yes, from a distance (it's not about sheltering them) but we know, we compare notes with other parents, we have a very good idea of any pressures that are facing them, for instance. On the other hand, it's not about permissive parenting, either, and it's insulting for you to suggest it is. It proves how little you know or understand what I'm talking about when you suggest that we will (or are) the parents that " that give alcohol/cigarettes/sex to minors, because of "They will do it anyway," mentality."



I didn't think it hurt to offer another viewpoint on this topic, but obviously I've pushed some buttons.



Amy in Maine http://onbradstreet.blogspot.com/

Ann - posted on 10/19/2009

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My kids would never say they are uncomfortable...At age 11, most are not intirely "into" the opposite sex. Having said that, there are a few that will be and will have the potential to "influence" behaviors. Peer Pressure, esp. at this age, is great and few can resist it at this age..(heck, at any age anymore). Allowing it at this age will do 2 things from what I see...1. You will have other parents (maybe some from kids that are not in this group) that will not approve and shield thier kids from becoming friends or coming over. 2. Set yourself up for later battles in the, "You did it for me last year!" category. If you are prepared to keep letting them do it, at any age, then by all means go ahead. If not, then you must set the standard now. What we live by is: if it's wrong in front of us, it's wrong behind us." If it will be wrong in the future, it is wrong now.

We did allow parties, co-ed ones, with supervision, but never a sleepover. We were asked. The parents that allowed it back then, are now the parents that give alcohol/cigarettes/sex to minors, because of "They will do it anyway," mentality. My kids are not allowed at their homes. Period.

[deleted account]

Yes, I'm well aware that children have sexual feelings and that they are curious. I also know that there is nothing prohibiting that sexual curiosity being explored in same-sex situation. As for changing, etc, all the kids change in privacy in the bathroom, so it's a non-issue. I just don't see the issue. It's just a sleep-over. I assume there are parents around? It's certainly not a big deal in my network of friends. When we hear from our kids that they are uncomfortable with the idea, then we'll change course.

Amy in Maine http://onbradstreet.blogspot.com/

Tracy - posted on 10/19/2009

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Children have sexual feelings at a very young age because they are human. NOT because they go to public schools or are influenced or are bad. I think that setting them up to be up late or all night (increasing vulnerability), changing clothes, sleeping etc and expecting them to be strong enough or knowledgeable enough to speak up against a friends fun idea of "spin the bottle" or "strip poker" is just not worth the risk. Even if no one at the party knows about these things, natural curiosity is a powerful force.

Ann - posted on 10/19/2009

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We had co-ed parties at my home for my oldest girl (15 and 16 B-Day porty) and will probably do it again for the younger ones too. We Invited parents to help chaperone and at 11 pm the boys had to go home. We were always near the kids and nobody was allowed to be alone even if going to the house. Had a fire and a rented a BIG movie projector and showed movie (scary of course), on side of barn. Had chips and pop and hotdogs. Some played B-ball, some danced.....was really a nice night. Girls slept INSIDE after party was over. Could certainly be done with 11 yr olds too.

[deleted account]

If it was my kids and their friends--I have absolutely no issue with this. Perhaps because my kids are not in public school (we unschool) and neither are their friends, that I don't see the same behaviors and issues regarding sexuality that many of you are speaking to? I would rather not project my feelings and fears about their sexuality them and I would rather trust the way they are and not what I imagine they might do.



Amy in Maine http://onbradstreet.blogspot.com/

Yvonne - posted on 10/17/2009

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Quoting Yvonne:I agree with you a 100 percent.



 



Quoting Kimberly:

co-ed sleepovers

My 11 yo daughter wants to have a co-ed sleepover for her birthday party. I know these kids and they are still young and innocent so that is not an issue. I told her no-way that boys and girls do not have sleepovers together and with no further questions of why not I just left it at that. Truth is, I just don't want to have to deal with co-ed sleepover requests when she is older and am telling her no now in hopes that she will get the fact that it will never happen. Am I wrong or just too old fashioned? I want to be a modern mom but some things are beyond my comprehension.



 





 

Yvonne - posted on 10/17/2009

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Quoting Kimberly:

co-ed sleepovers

My 11 yo daughter wants to have a co-ed sleepover for her birthday party. I know these kids and they are still young and innocent so that is not an issue. I told her no-way that boys and girls do not have sleepovers together and with no further questions of why not I just left it at that. Truth is, I just don't want to have to deal with co-ed sleepover requests when she is older and am telling her no now in hopes that she will get the fact that it will never happen. Am I wrong or just too old fashioned? I want to be a modern mom but some things are beyond my comprehension.


 

[deleted account]

I agree w/ Tracy. Have the boys leave late and the girls sleep over. I wouldn't allow my children to go to a co-ed sleep over. I think it lets down barriers to sexuality at a VERY young age. My daughters are 11 and some of the things they tell me about kids at school have me not believing that 11 year olds are as innocent as we think they are.

Tracy - posted on 10/17/2009

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I would agree that co-ed sleep overs are inappropriate...even at young ages. 11 is not too young for there to be issues or incidents either. Just because they are good kids does not mean they are angels or immune to human sexuality. If it were my daughter, I would suggest she invite all friends for the party, then have the boys leave at night (kind of late so they don't think you are treating them too young).

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