Dad and Step-Mom At Wits End With 11 yr. Old Daughter

Tanya - posted on 02/05/2010

Thanks for all the wonderful ideas! We do praise her for the positive and try not to focus on the negative unless it's something VERY serious. We do the whole positive reinforcement thing which is not much of an adjustment for us because I use it with my 11 year old son who has ADHD. I don't know about using embarrassement as a solution though I think that may be a catalyst for her to act out even more. I do see a couple other things here though that may be of use though and will definitely try those. Thanks for all the help and insight.

Dawnette - posted on 02/05/2010

I am wondering if turning it around to the positive would get better results. Maybe try something in which she earns a privilege for every 5 assignments that are turned in and completed satisfactorily(or any number you choose). I had trouble with lying from my step-daughter. We told her that when she could show us that she was trustworthy and responsible, we would be willing to allow her to do more things. It made us less of the "bad guys" and she started seeing how she could have some control by her own behavior.

Sara - posted on 02/04/2010

I have to agree with Pam, definitely sounds like a cry for help, could be frustration as-well. Going through something very similar with my step daughter. Hormones play a big part though at this stage too. Continue to be confident in your techniques but also allow time for the comforting and listening, that protective mom time. Definitely could be worth trying to give the responsibility back, maybe she is not feeling trusted. With a bit of guidance and negotiating it may help her pay attention. She may go the extra mile, especially seeing you are confident to allow her to make some great decisions for her life and be able to own this responsibility. The words "I trust you...." could be the positive she searching for.

Sara - posted on 02/04/2010

I have to agree with Pam, definitely sounds like a cry for help, could be frustration as-well. Going through something very similar with my step daughter. Hormones play a big part though at this stage too. Continue to be confident in your techniques but also allow time for the comforting and listening, that protective mom time. Definitely could be worth trying to give the responsibility back, maybe she is not feeling trusted. With a bit of guidance and negotiating it may help her pay attention. She may go the extra mile, especially seeing you are confident to allow her to make some great decisions for her life and be able to own this responsibility. The words "I trust you...." could be the positive she searching for.

Rebecca - posted on 02/04/2010

I had the same thing so i started to walk to her class every moirning to personally hand in papers, and waitied and the door after school to ask the teacher what was the homework plans. It emabarrassed the hell out of her but she quickly got on the ball.

Kathy - posted on 02/03/2010

I agree with Deb, I was always the bad kid that could do no right and so I proved them right all the time and left home at 12, give her some responsibilities that make her feel good about herself, let her make her own mistakes when it comes to school and let the school look after the punishment. What does she do right ? And maybe you are both too involved in her life, always on what she is doing wrong, sit her down and ask her what she would like because we have done that with our 10yr old and they do know what they want and what they can't stand or handle so she should have the right to be asked. There are a lot of inappropriate things, how inappropriate ?? to whom is this inappropriate I do not know so I am asking, she does not have the chance to come to you on her scheule because you are always looking over her shoulder and in her face and you know everything befor she could come to you

Deb - posted on 02/03/2010

It's been said that if you think a child is bad, she'll do everything she can to prove you right. What's the point in trying to be good when everyone thinks you're bad?



I agree with a previous post about trying to flip the vibe to a positive one. Instead of combating her behavior with taking things away as a punishment, focus more on her earning privileges. Tell her that cell phones, outings, etc are privilelges, not rights. Be very clear and consistently follow through with parameters for behavior.



If you can find little ways to start trusting her and applauding her for that, she will see that she can be trustworthy and receive positive feedback and want to do more of it. Try to put yourself in her shoes. Would you want someone constantly checking your work, looking over your shoulder, and barking at you in anger? This is what we tend to do to childrenn instead of giving them respect and expecting that they can handle it.



A helpful question is, "What's going on for you that you feel you have to act this way?" This lets her know that you care about her struggles and that she does have a choice in the way she acts.

Pam - posted on 02/02/2010

Sounds like she is crying out for help. for every negative that she does think of a positive action that you bring to her attention. Keep the communication open with her, Is she missing her mom? How often does she see her? she might be feeling kicked to the curb by real mom. Not to take away from either of you. Your doing a great job. Just need to find out the cause of her negative behavior, Part of being a pre-teen, let's just hope its part of growing up and it too shall pass. Continue to tell her you love her. Pray on it and let God have his hands on the issue.

Sarah - posted on 02/02/2010

Are you living my mirrored life? It seems you are living thru the same thing we are going thru with our 11, almost 12 year old daughter... I have to say, I email the teachers every week, have TAKEN the cell phone away and have blocked every website that we dont want her on, and as more come up, more get blocked. and, as she realizes that I am still checking every week with her teachers, and still checking her computer and still not letting her off grounds, still driving her back and forth to school, she is slowly beginning to become much more "responsible" in passing in her homework, doing her homework and doing what she is supposed to be doing on her computer. I find that it has nothing to do with being a step parent or an "intact" family.. we have been married for almost18 years now..and as I come to this website, I am thinking it is an 11 year old behavior, trying to show their "independance" and now... they have technology that we never had at their age. WE as parents just have to be on top of things much more than our parents were, as the cell phone is on silent in their rooms, or the chat box is on their computer in their rooms where as when we were 11 the phone was in the kitchen ringing where our parents heard it... I say you are doing the best you can and continue... it is tiresome but you cant stop.. it will get better... had to do the same with my 15 year old and now he does his stuff on his own.

Cindy - posted on 02/01/2010

My 10 yr old step-daughter is the same. The lying is pushing me to the point of insanity. The way she treats her mother is horrific and the way she assumes she can get away with it all is irritating as hell... I understand the hormones - I was her age once and all that. But if I had ever treated my parents even an iota of what she treats us i doubt I'd have had a social life at all! We're at our wits end now. Taking away her things doesn't work - she doesn't care. She lost the tv she got for her birthday in january last year and didn't get it back until August. She just doesn't care. She treats anything she's given like a piece of s**t. We don't know what to do anymore.

Glory - posted on 01/29/2010

having two girls 19 and 11, I learn that sometimes our girls don't want to be mothered all the time...I like that my 19 year old explains to me what my 11 year old is going through..since she was 11 not long ago...at 11 your hormones are going crazy, their body is changing so fast, they can't keep up with it!..Boys are a big deal, even though we don't appprove of them, they do exist, at least in their school...girls can be so cruel..one day they are your friends, the next day they ignore you for no reason, once one girl doesn't like you than her friends go along with the flow...teachers don't always catch everything. Clothing/Style plays a big part in their lifes...find something you both can enjoy together, alone, not with anyone else...alone time gives you room to talk feel her out..let her know you where not born a mom...LISTEN>>>LISTEN most important...if there are inapropiate conversation on the phone, take the phone from her..and who is she talking too? that's very important...does she have a new friend, one bad apple spoils the bunch...My 19 year old was always a good kid. I never believed on little kids having a phone. When they are in school, they don't need a phone, they need to hit the books. If you need to get in touch with her, call the office. A cell phone is more for a teenager. They need it so you can get in touch with them, but otherwise..what is an eleven year old going to do with it if it's not to talk to her friends, possibly boys, and when it comes down to texting, I hated when they are sitting next to you texting, because you never know what they are saying. Eventualy she'll get smart enough to erase it before you get to it. I keep a steady paste with my kids. I treat them according to their age. They don't have cell phones, beacuse they are always with me. They can have all the sleep overs they want, as long as their friends sleep here. Really try to sit and talk to her,kids act out different emotions...I believe shildren are not born broken, things happens that makes them act out...good luck with your little girl

EMMA - posted on 01/29/2010

Im having a similar issue with my 13 yr. old daughter as well. I tried the usual, grounding, taking her things from her, no computer for weeks, etc.... Nothing worked or at least it worked for a little while. I sat her down and just had a real good talk with her, I didnt talk at her and she let out alot of things. She was stressed out and as parents sometimes we dont really notice when our children are stressed because they dont just come out and say it. I think that in my case she just needed the open door to let it all out. Maybe if you try that, she may let you in on whats bothering her

Barbara - posted on 01/29/2010

There is an excellent book that helped with my relationships with my teenage boys. It's called, How to Talk so your Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish. It helped build trust not only with my kids, but I was able to use the techniques in my 9th Grade Confirmation Prep. Class. Since it's a well known fact that kids become mute during the teen years, I'm happy to say I'm one of the few teachers who actually have conversations with her class and they share a lot! :o)

Jill - posted on 01/29/2010

Embarrassment works well. Threaten (but you will have to follow through) if she doesnt act trustworthy then start accompanying her places. Dont take it away just go with her. I threatened my daughter that I would go to her dance at school with her and I would do it in my pajamas. I told her I would make sure all her friends knew who I was and that I was there to "watch" her. I promised her I would be embarassing and annoying. She straightened up.

Terri - posted on 01/29/2010

I love that idea as well Ann and many try it but then again I may not have those problems anymore since he doesn't want me to sit with him in every class.....

Ann - posted on 01/28/2010

Our oldest daughter was the same way. You could take everything away including Christmas -she didn't care. So we made up a point system. When she did her chores she got XX amount of points, when she did her homework she got XX amount of points, when she made her bed, hung up her coat, got an A, some days we would even throw in extra points just for smiling. Then she got to spend the points - eating pizza for dinner when we were having fish, spending the night at a friends, driving her to the movies, buying back items she lost for bad behavior (ie - cell phone). It was a total turn around. It was no longer taking but giving. But you have to be consistent or it will not work.

Jane - posted on 01/28/2010

My son had the same issues from about the age of 10. He's never been thrilled with anything that involves work or effort and I was constantly receiving calls from the school regarding his behaviour. He was finally assessed by the school councellor, who discovered, that although he CAN do the work, his processing skills are slow. This was making him feel dumb, so extra time was given to allow him to process information. It also had an effect on his behaviour in other areas as his self esteem was so low. I now sit with him when he does his homework and help him as much as possible. If I leave him to it, he is more than likely going to rip his schoolbook to pieces. Once he realised that he could not get away with it, he soon accepted that he had NO choice. Possitive reinforcement certainly helped.

Terri - posted on 01/28/2010

One thing that I did with my son and he was having the same problem was to sit at his school in every class for a week...I was with him constantly and he hated it but taught him that school is very important and education comes first...I haven't had a problem since and he knows what I say, I MEAN!

Maria - posted on 01/27/2010

How long have you been married? I know but with boys, that is tough, adjusting and trying to see how far the child can go or get by with. Showing you and your husband are one in your decision is good. Keeping in contact with teachers - oh yea, we actually still do that, did with our eldest son, who is now 20, do it with our 16 yr old and 11yr old. They hate it. Have you looked at issues realated to adjustment? At first it seems all good, but it hit our marriage about 5 yrs after, but it took about a year to show all the kids me and my husband are one in our decision and they realized they in no way what so ever could they break our bond of marriage. It is not all roses now, but now that everyone in the house knows the boundarys it is easier and communication is the key. Now I leave the communicating with teachers for his kids up to him, he and I both communicate the 11 yr old from my previos marriage (whom my current husband adopted) So we look at them all as ours. Lets keep in contact over this, it's not easy.