daughter is in love with a girl

Debbie - posted on 03/10/2011

My daughter just turned 16 and a month ago we found out she was "bi" and is in love with an 18 year old. She has more going on right now that that however, in the last month she has also been diagnosed as having severe depression and ADD. Not to mention the daily stress of being an honor student, grade dropping where she is not comfortable, and her great grandmother is very ill right now.
So, all I can tell you is to give her her space as not to 'smother' her because at this age the last person they want to turn to is their mom!! I know! Be as supportive as you possible can, if this is a phase she is going through, she will come around. If not? Then are you willing to loose your daughter if you can't support her? I do not condone what my daughter is doing and I have also told her she will have to live with the decisions she makes and deal with the consequences. She understands that and she also understands that I love her unconditionally!! I wish you the best of luck, God bless!

Ticha - posted on 11/18/2009

I have read most of your comments. Here is what I believe. I say belief because most of your responses were based on that. I believe like alot of other parents do that you should sit with her and discuss exactly what kind of love she is feeling. Maybe it is just a crush or not. Don't berade her Don't belittle her. Encourage her to open up. Someone said we can't chose our childrens partner's. Thats true. But, we can chose to be supportive and loving parents. Good Luck

Terri - posted on 11/18/2009

In reality, we as parents can't choose the right person for our kids! We are to be there for them and nuture them and love them and hope that one day what we have instilled within them will carry on to their adult life. The unconditional love we have as parents is priceless. Kids have to know that we will be there no matter what even though we may disagree with them and know that whenever need be they can come to us and talk to us about ANYTHING. Sounds to me like she has made that step and talking to you. Leave those lines of communication open. It will be the best thing you ever did. Another thing that I will say is that if this is the decision that she had made or is making, let her know that its not just boys that can be abusive, girls too!

Jennifer - posted on 11/12/2009

It really bothers me that some of the replies suggest using pressure techniques, and especially using God to negate what this young lady is feeling. Her emotions are just as real to her as our are to us. Hormones are flying and these teenagers are trying to figure out who they are and how they fit into the world in terms of intimate relationships. It could be a phase it could be the beginning of a lifetime attractions, and it could also lead to an emotionally harmful situation. Communication is sooo important. Allowing her to feel safe in telling you things that you might not want to hear by keeping judgement out of it. You can't control who she crushes on or loves but you can talk to her about social intolerance, about self-respect, and about what it means to value and respect those you care about regardless of the gender of her love interest. Support her and she will find her way and your relationship will become stronger because of it.

Laurie - posted on 11/12/2009

Hi there, It sounds like she is exploring her identity. It may bejust a passing phase for her, i know my own daughter went through several phases growing up. If she asks questions you should anwser as honestly as you can. You can ease your own mind by gently keeping an eye on her while still giving her some space.

Connie - posted on 11/12/2009

I agree with Elizabeth. It is very important to support your daughter as she begins to feel new feelings towards anybody. A great way is to have a conversation about what "love" means - respecting the person and their values, morals, etc. and considering her own values, morals, against hers. A tough situation, but if you turn it into a "forbidden love", well, Romeo & Juliet.

Elizabeth - posted on 11/12/2009

It may just be a phase or she may like girls or guys and girls. But I really don't think she needs a counsler or a pastor. She is not mentally ill or possessed Im sure. A lot of young girls these days do experiment with girls. She may decide one day she rather be with a guy or be with a girl. The main thing is to be understanding and make sure she knows you love her no matter what. I dated black guys when I was young and my parents use to say its just a phase she will grow out of it. Or they would punish me and make me miserable b/c of it. I now have 2 mixed children and have been with the black man I am with for 8yrs. I feel like parents need to learn to be more understanding and accept their kids for who they are.

Sherell - posted on 11/03/2009

My daughter is 12 years old and she came home from school about a month ago upset saying that there was a rumor going around school that she was bi. I asked her what bi meant and she proceeded to tell me it's when a person likes boys and girls. I asked her if it was true and she told me yes. She makes it clear that she is not gay (I think somewhere in her confused little mind she thinks that bi is better or different than gay). I still don't know what to say to her about it. However, whatever decision she makes when she's old enough I will still love her. Right now I think it's just a phase.

Michelle - posted on 10/31/2009

Tell her that trends come and go! If she says that she is not a lesbian than dont act like one, Pray about it, because this is a touchy subject. My nephew is doing the samething, he is saying that he is bi because society says that it is ok. but I tell him that society can also tell you alot of bad things. If society told you to jump off of something that is high in the air, (because it is cool), would you do it!

Shondale - posted on 10/30/2009

first thing first..we have to realize as parents we can't choose the right person for our children we have to raise them to be the right person. Second she is to young to be in love. And third ask her what does it mean to her to be in love and you might find she doesn't have a clue. please seek spiritual guidance from your pastor because this is not the in thing this is the wrong thing and i believe you know that and thats why your seeking advice but let it come from God

Caroline - posted on 10/29/2009

14 is to young to know who you are but she may not be ready to call her self a lesbian. Children know what sex they are attracted to as early as kindergarden. Comming to terms with it and calling her self gay take time. Love her for who she is and let her know you love her. You do not need a professional for being gay, isn't a illness. If it is just a trend it will blow over. My girl friends daughter started dating a girl at 16 and she too said she wasnt gay but she is now 25 and still dating females. You get to help your kids with home work, cleaning and paying for collage but not for picking life partners.

Kelly - posted on 10/28/2009

one of my daughters dates both boys and girls and i made it clear from the beginning that it didn't matter to me as long as she is happy..it does seem to be the "norm" now for girls to date each other and also like boys..i would rather have my daughter with a girl that treats her good than a boy that abuses her..if i was you i would talk to her about it and let her know that no matter what you love her and she can always talk to you about anything...good luck

Desirea - posted on 10/28/2009

I have two boys, around her age and they tell me all the time that most of their girlfriends are bisexual and they think its cool, although they dont think its cool to be 'gay', even though they have an aunt who is in fact a lesbian. Unfortunately the lines surrounding sexuality have become so obscured these days that kids just experiment with a little of everything until they figure out what it is they really want. I'm not sure if there is a right or wrong or even if she should be defined by anything yet. There have been many stories of people who were completely heterosexual but fell in love with someone who happened to be of the same sex and when it didnt turn out they never pursued another same sex relationship. Just be open and understanding.. in most cases it passes and if you put your foot down on it, as with most rebellious type issues, it just becomes more interesting.

Erica - posted on 10/27/2009

i think girls get crushes on girls but it normal its like an infatuation

Holly - posted on 10/27/2009

A touchy subject but I was very frank with my daughter. I asked her what she thought boys thought of her.. if they would still like her if she liked other girls in a not so girlfriend way and then gently wrapped it around to what does she want for her life in then long run. Every girl however young has their own dreams and goals it's human nature. Family, husband, children, asking her what her dreams are and what her goals were. My closing of the discussion was what are you doing in this friendship that will help or hinder you getting there. We are a family who is faith based but still found ourselves in this situation. I asked her what not only her own feelings were but how did she want others to see her as. Ultimately I don't agree with this way of living and expressed it but said she has to live her choices even if it meant boys not liking or wanting to date her down the road... as they don't like girls that like girls. Kids are just simply mean adn no boy can compete with another girl for affections.. I pointed this simple fact out. I didn't feel counciling was going to solve anything for my daughter that peer pressure hadn't challenged her with already. I simply challenged her to rethink the pressures she was experiencing amd life style choices she had thought she wanted... in the end our discussion boosted her self confidence in her own wants and likes adn well as our friendship as mom and daughter and improving trust. I felt very lucky but I never once used the words.. you, you can't or you won't.... Never put them on the defense if you want them to be open to how you feel.

Tiffany - posted on 10/26/2009

You need to fast and pray for your daughter, all this replies mean nothing if you don't seek the will of God.

Dee - posted on 10/25/2009

Its true you just need to listen to what she has to say. keep the lines of communication open between you two if not you'll lose her faith in you as her mom. we all go through phases in our life this is no different. Just love your child all you can they will eventually make their own decisions in life and we have to support them every step of the way. My mother understood and accepted me for who I was when I first came to her and told her I was bi.

Kiffer - posted on 10/24/2009

She is also a huge fan of the Jonas Brothers. And i can image what you say, becuase I'm hearing the whole day about them. But sometimes I try to sing along with her, and keep smiling. Becuase I think it's their age, and it's their style of music.

Tracy - posted on 10/24/2009

listen to your daughter, girls and boys are a lot more affectionate towards each other than when i was growing up, i work in a high school and see how close two girls/boys can get. she may just be in a crush stage. untill you have firm proof or she tells you herself of her preferences theres really not a lot you can do, the more you push the more she will clam up and not let you in. if it was my daughter i would still love and support her no matter what choice she made, just out of interest does she idolise any male popstar film star things like that might give you clues as to where her head is at at the moment. my daughter is 13 and mad on zak efron and one of the jonas brothers to the point im sick of seeing and hearing about them, but i keep smiling and listening and getting her the bits ie folder with zak efron on, come next year it will be somebody or something else

Tanya - posted on 10/24/2009

hi there yes keep talking i agree with Gini there,but love at this age is prob friend ship love ..and its ok to love a girl like you love your sister..thats what you need to establish is it like sisterly love,if so that is ok..girls need girls at this age,is very healthy i wouldnt panic unitl you know what type of love she is meaning..good luck with it all i wish you the best..:-)

Gini - posted on 10/24/2009

keep the communication lines open between you and her. talk with a counselor & a pastor or spiritual leader.

Maggie - posted on 10/23/2009

its the same as dating boys, but you can't choose for her. you cant force her to like boys. you keep trying to force her or choose for her, and she will rebel. its hard i'm sure, but just try setting rules as you would if her love interest was a boy. but talk to her, and tell her that if its a trend and she isnt a lesbian, then she needs to be her own person, and not follow what everyone else is doing. help her seek herself and who she is

Dyanne - posted on 10/23/2009

Have a very serious talk with her and have her talk with a professional to see if this is real or just infatuation! Then give her limits and guidelines just as if she was dating a boy..what would you allow her to do.

Beckie - posted on 10/23/2009

you right she is to young and it has become the popular thing to do and for kids to say they are bi.Unfortunatly there really isnt much you can do except talk to her and not yell.and always listen.I my self have a thirteen yr old girl and a 20 yr old girl its a very stressful age for them and us.My daughter caught the interst of boys the last few months I have done the unimaginale and grounded her to our cove and from the phone they young and still need our protection.