Does teenagers behaviour get better or worse as they get older, please help

Tabitha - posted on 12/08/2009

Thank you ladies for all your advice, it gives me a little hope that someone out there knows what im going through, it is sooooo hard i can tell you, especially when you love them to bits. I really hopes it get easier, there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel x

Lindsey - posted on 12/07/2009

my daughter has just turned 13 i am pretty strict with her but she is very testing she pushes the boundries all the time. and to be honest i think it will get worse before it gets better at this age they are trying to be older than they are try stay calm and stick to your rules. it isnt going to be easy and ground her while you still can cause the older she gets the harder i will be. try explaining how it makes you feel when she doesnt help you or when shes being a pain. i feel sometimes im banging my head against a brick wall there is no easy answer stand your ground and dont give in cause the first time you do she will know that if she pushes she will get. if it gets to that stage take a breather or even send her to her room till you calm down then go back and say no the first time you properlly follow throught she will be so shocked. gd luck hun and i hope it gets easyer for you x

Becky - posted on 12/07/2009

Tabitha;
I am a ther of a seventeen yr.old as well as a twelve yr old.I am divorced and remarried and I too sometimes have the problem of one against the other game. This is what I do.It sounds like your daughter is pretty smart(mine are too) and that can work against you to a point.they understand things alot more than they are given credit for.So what I do is have an (adult) conversation with them.I tell them that I am worried that the path they are trying to take will hurt them in the long run.Friends play a big issue to but DO NOT try and get inbetween them because that will most definately make you the bad mom.All of these ladies have great advise and it will all help.But you need to remember that you are the parent and nomatter what they say and how much it hurts you, you need to stick to it.If it take you to cleaning every singe thing she has out of her room(including her bed) do it.You also need to talk to her dad and get an agreement that anytime she says dad will let me you need so say okay then lets call him and see if I am being unreasonable then.Trust me 98% of the time they will back down just because you want to call him and get him involved.Communication is the key...even though it doesn't seem like they are listening they hear you.Since your seperated from dad that could be a problem too.....let her know you love her no matter what and that you will ALWAYS be ther for her.Granted they know that but the reasurance of it helps them tremendously.Keep your head up and be strong you both will work through this.Trust is a big thing with teens and if you don't show them some trust and respect they will not give it back.I am by no means saying that if she has lied about being somewhere when she wasn't there to let her do it again. but I am saying that if you tell her the reason you can't let her do it is because she lied to you about it ....it will make her stop and think about what she did wrong.My daughter had her fifteenth b- day taken away from her for that reason.I have simple rules in my house: do not lie to me (if I find out consiquinces will be alot worse than if you tell me the truth),do not leave town in a car if an adult is not with you,do not drive around town with friends if an adult is not with you.She not only left the place she was to be staying ( got into a fight with the girl's sister and she kicked her out of the house(not the mother ) the sister did and she left with some friends and drove out of town with them.I was so angry and scared....anything could've happened to her by the time we would be able to find her(she has a cell phone to call from) and that was my whole point to her.athat if something would've happened we wouldn't have been able to get to her because she wasn't where she was supposed to be. It was her fifteenth b- day and I took it away,No party, no gifts(I did break down and let her have her cake and blow out her candles) but she couldn't eat any of it yet then she went back to her room and stayed there.She remember that to this day and if the slightest change happens in any plans she will call and let us know about them, who she is with and where they are going.She has her own car now but is only allowed three people in it with her(less of a distraction).And she is not allowed to leave town.But this works for us because we live in a small town ...in a bigger city I would radius a smaller area she is allowed to be( walking and hanging out with freinds or driving).Good luck it does get better just remember you were that age once too and try to remember the things that would tempt you to go the wrong direction......and talk to her about them and your concerns as her mom and friend.It does help!!!

Tabitha - posted on 12/07/2009

Hi all, over the last few days its not been too bad, when ive asked her too do something she has been doing it ( with some moans) but she has done it! the other day when she was mouthing i removed the lap top for 5 days she hated that , but i think the respect is there, lets just hope it stays there :-)

Lori - posted on 12/06/2009

Worse!

Jamie - posted on 12/05/2009

I have three teen girls, and the oldest is 17, selfish and hard to handle. The twins are 15, one has to be reminded to do things, but 9 times outta 10 does them when reminded, the other is on top of things the majority of the time. Each one of my kids is different, and their punishments are too. With my oldest, i had to strip her room completely down to nothing but a bed and dresser more than once before she took me seriously and started acting right.... not saying she wasnt angry and it didnt make my life hell, but it worked in the end. Tough love is tougher on the parent alot of times, but because i learned this with my oldest, it's made dealing with my twins soo much easier, i dont give an inch with them!!

Jenny - posted on 12/02/2009

At this age they are testing their limits to see how and what they can get away with, its time to step up the tough love, over time she will grow out of it and realize everything you have done to love her and provide and things will change, be patient and like I said tough love, you can do is take away something she loves untill she improves in what needs to be improved, sometimes it only last a month , but you need to keep doing it, and teens HATE being grounded but that is my number 1 punishment besides taking away tv, cells, computer , ect.......... regarding house work, make a list put it on fridge and tell her to read it and that you will NOT ask her to do these things again, She is old enough to take responsibility and if she does not abide by them, she will lose privileges. Good luck, Teens are hard but all will work out in the end!

Brieana - posted on 12/01/2009

How hard this situation must be. It probably didn't start overnight, and it's not going to fix itself overnight. You just need to get mean. Lol. I mean strict, consistant, and FOLLOW THROUGH. If you say clean your room, and she turns on the t.v., take away the t.v. If she won't let you, turn off the cable. Lol. Yes I'm serious. Get creative, stay one step ahead of her, and don't back down. If she says hateful things, realize she doesn't mean it, she's just trying to get her way by trying to make you feel guilty. Kids have a way of working their parent, when the parents have no idea. Get support from other people, since this is not an easy task. We are here for you! Good luck1

Dannielle - posted on 12/01/2009

my 11 year old is the same way with chores as your child and my 17 year old isn't...the only thing I can attribute it to is that I trained the older one from a very young age to do it and expected it from her and she did it...when my 11 year old came along I was a little more lax due to some stressful circumstances in my life and a lack of energy.....there lies the difference...one was trained and the other wasn't at an early age...and what problems that causes now!! especially with the 17 year old because it isn't fair to her...so I've just been keeping after the 11 year old and expecting more of her and when I don't have the energy I get others to step in...like my husband or other daughter...she needs to learn to pull her weight around the house...life isn't a free ride so I would rather go through the fight now than have to go through it when she's even older...I've just made it a "you can do do this when this is done" ...then it's her choice and own doing if she misses out on something...I know how you feel...it's very draining!

Tabitha - posted on 11/30/2009

Thank you too u all, and Janice yes you are so right, i keep telling myself follow through with removing what she loves to do, i must admit she is still sooooooo lazy, i ask her too do her own ironing( i did mine when i was 12) and she shouts out " i shoudnt be doing my own ironing, im too young" My daughter always takes and never gives back into the family, ive never known this. I always helped out when i was that age.

MARCIE - posted on 11/30/2009

I HAVE 4 BOYS TWO OF THEM NEEDED HELP I GOT ONE THAT IS IN A BEHAVIORAL CARE, STOP IT NOW HE IS 14 SO I HOPE THIS WILL HELP HIM.DO A LOT OF PRAYING TOO, IT WILL BE OKAY,SOMETIMES ASK MYSELF WHY.IS IT CAUSE I AM A SINGLE MOTHER OR I WORK ALL THE TIME ,I REALLY DO NOT NOW BUT I AM TRYING TO HELP HIM THAT IS ALL I CAN DO.IT WILL BE OKAY.

Dannielle - posted on 11/29/2009

it will get worse if you don't nip it now...be firm...stay strong...get a handle on it now and it will get better...really! if you don't it will only get worse and the problems get bigger as they get bigger....better to deal with attitude now than really serious problems later...a great resource is a book called Have a New Kid By Friday written by Dr. Kevin Leeman

Kerrie - posted on 11/29/2009

Hi! I have 5 kids with the eldest being 21 and the youngest being 3. I don't think their behavior gets better or worse... the 'reasons' for their outbursts just change. 13 is one of the hardest ages I think as they tend to be caught emotionally between wanting to grow up and be treated like an adult , but at times they still want to be able to goof around like a little kid. Best thing I can tell you is 'ride it out'... she will calm down when her hormones let her and she will become human again

Janice - posted on 11/29/2009

Dont give in. I am in the same situation with my 12 year old. Attitude, lazy...great in school though...honor roll plus each marking term. She needs me to be harder on her now than ever...her father and I each approach it differently...hes usually the softie. I reward her with something small like time alone shopping or something inexpensive that she wants/needs. She has to earn time out with friends. I make sure to communicate calmly and openly with her when I am mad or upset about something she has done, or a behavior that is bad. Shes a great kid...but needs to be reminded that I love her and I dont have it out for her. Her attitude and her help in our family is key. And when she has a good week and is helpful I reward her (not letting her know that of course, for fear she will "act" nice just to get a reward!)...we spend alone time together. MY husband is trying to get on board with the discipline...but in my house, it stems from me. I tell her I am not here to be her best friend, her friend yes...as in someone to come to when she needs to talk or ask advice or needs guidance...I am her mother...I am here to guide, love, teach and support her decisions. Just keep it in line...I try to make my three girls be responsible for one chore each day...weather its emptying a trash can, taking the dog out or picking up their room or folding their laundry. 10 minutes or less a day...I tell them that is their contribution to our family being happy and productive. After all, isnt it true when moms happy...everyone is? HAHA. Good luck...keep it strict, but fair...be firm and dont give in....make them earn it. "Before you go with your friends, you must ______ first."

Gill - posted on 11/28/2009

Hi I think they can get more tricky as they age but... u can turn this around by stickin to ur guns, wen u say no mean it n dont give in or teens will play u. I speak from experience as my kids r 22, 18, n 14. I find rewardin gd behavior works well too. good luck. Gill

TALIN - posted on 11/27/2009

i think when you push them and put rules it will be worst.because what i am understanding she has a dictence from you already.if i were you i would try to be her friend and tell her that consider me as your friend and share with me all your fellings and toughts .also it is very important to know all of her friends.boy or girl.i have a son 16 and daughter 11.i always invite their friend over to our house.it is okey i cook for them.i take them to moves and i see that what type of friend they have.if some of their friend is not good i find a way by giving examples i show them that they are not correct friends and at this ages you think that everything they do it is cool and try to copy them but in the future you will understand that it was all mistake.you can talk about your teenager years and tell them what type of mistakes you have done everbody does mistakes but the most important is the level of the mistakes.

Roberta - posted on 11/26/2009

it gets somewhat worse. I have raised a girl who is now 21 and all u should be right now is a shoulder, counselor or whatever u need to be when she needs u. make sure she knows u r there and she can come to you. when u guys have moments (riding in the car) talk bout sex,boys her friends things that she seems to be hiding. this way she cant walk away from with that teenager attitude as though she dont want to talk to u.

also never stop talking and never stop teaching. it is a good path u want her to take. not one that her frinds think are best for her. dont stop hugging her and dont stop telling her u love her. specially from daddy. that way when some BOY hugs her or tells her that he loves or she is beutiful it wont be a surprise and will be compared to her dads. nothing like a daddy hug.

Girl Please i can go on and on bout this one. But most of all be slicker than her. she will try and try you. to the point u feel like ringing her kneck

dont give in and be specific on consistant

Wendii - posted on 11/26/2009

i have a 13 yo and they get worse as tehy get older unless you start to discipline now other wise she will learn she can get away with what ever she does and there is no punishment i took away some of my daughters favourite items such as mobile phone etc

Michele - posted on 11/26/2009

One on one is good. She is just rebelling. I have a 15 year old boy that is lazy and pushes me to the limit. I have a certain voice I use and he knows that I am done. It took me taking his cell phone, MP3 player etc until he realized that I had had enough. I still give in on some things but I have learned the motto "Choose your battles!"

Tabitha - posted on 11/26/2009

I would like to say thank you to each and everyone of u for your kindness and support, i had a friend come round yesterday to talk to her, whilst i took my 3 year old to the park. After i got back she sat me down and apologised to me, she said she is going to try and ill try even harder. I will keep you all posted how it goes from here...... Once again thank you all

Diana - posted on 11/25/2009

Tabitha I am the mother of 12 ranging in age from 33 to 13. I know what you are going through and it is going to get worse before it gets better. You have to find out what her collateral is. It must not have been the tv. So what else is there, cell phone, home phone, computer, internet, mp3 player, video games, movies, believe me there is something and you can find it. That becomes your bargaining chip and you take it away, she earns it back. The rule here has always been at 13 she would be in bed by 9 on a school night. That means lights out, I always tell them I don't care if you can't sleep you have to stay in bed without any games or toys and lights out. Don't give up and don't buy in to the playing one parent against the other. Her father and you really need to try and keep an open line of communication right now. I wish you luck and I am sending prayers of comfort and strength to you. She loves you and she knows you love her, she just needs to see that you have the power right now. Good luck.

Charlene - posted on 11/25/2009

Tabitha I feels so sad for you .I told you things would break your heart,you must stand your ground.Like the other mom said sit down and talk with her and often.keep going over whats expected of her,and what you will not accept.It is easy to give advice,but when you are going thru it ,it is awful.We are here for you hang in there!!!

Simone - posted on 11/25/2009

hi again, i don't no what to say. don't make her see your upset at what she's doing. you say she wants to leave, to go where? how's her dad with her? tell her she's not a baby anymore and she needs to go up. you really need to talk to her, don't shot, just listen to her even if she's shoting at you, just stay calm. just see how it goes, it just sounds like these something just not right with her. somrthings bothering her either at school or somewhere else. you should get a family friend talk to her and see if she opens up to them, because sometimes kids find it easier to talk to other people. and you talk to the school, and see if there's any problems there. hope that helps.

Jessica - posted on 11/24/2009

Also sit down and talk to her tell her how you feel and ask why she is being like this i know it sounds crazy but it works and give her choices what do you want to do the dishes or sweep? empty the dish washer or load it? I do this with my daughter and it still amazes me how well it works or tell her (on a good day) I need your help with something can you help me and do it togeather and have mom and daugher time and ALOT of talking

Jessica - posted on 11/24/2009

i agree with simone you have to be harder and stay with it dont give in ground her from things that she wants to do and the main thing dont give in or you will have lots of problems later i know because i was one of those kids and my mom was not hard on me and i ended up at 17 drope out, on the streets, taking drugs and with a man 11 years older i ended up a singal mom at 20 and knocking on my moms door for help ya it was my choice how i ended up ( and im nothing like that now) but parental guidance helps alot dont get me wrong i love my mom she is awsome but i wish she was harder on me and didnt give in to me when i was a rottin child

Nezzie - posted on 11/24/2009

I have a 14 year old and a 38 year old so I have lived it and now I am reliving it. Guess what it does get better. Be their parent not their friend. Be available and supportive but stay firm and in control. With a lot of prayer you will survive. Keep your standards high for them and instill good values they will grow into them.....trust me............

Tabitha - posted on 11/24/2009

Hi ladies, as im sat here writing this, im in tears, my daughter just talks down to me, all because i asked her to clean the rabbit out earlier and then it got into an arguement. Ive now come to a brick wall, she wants to leave but she wont go to her dads, ive removed her tv but it didnt bother her, i just truely dont know what to do......

Brenda - posted on 11/24/2009

My DH (dear husband) and I have 15 children. All but three are now grown. We raised our children in a very conservative Christian home. We were very protective of them and any negative influences. We also home educated all of them. Our results were that we never had any problems out of any of them. They were not disrespectful, did not get into any trouble, and many are already happily married. We were strict and did not tolerate attitudes at all. They all had household chores and helped with the family.

Tabitha - posted on 11/24/2009

Thanks Charlene for the advice, it really does help.

Charlene - posted on 11/23/2009

All the advice the ladies gave you is great,just follow thru and stand your ground.Don't give in even if breaks your heart( and it will) Us moms need to stay strong.

Tabitha - posted on 11/23/2009

Thanks ladies, by reading your advice, i will start doing tough love from now on, starting today! So i will let you know how it goes, thanks again.

Simone - posted on 11/23/2009

hi again, well i do that with both my girls, i take thing away from them if they don't do certain things in the house. they can't go on the comupter, they don't get any packet money, the tv goes in there room until they show that there doing things that are suppose to be done in the house. but as you said start taking things from her that she likes, like her mobile/celler if she has 1, things like that. ground her for a week until she fixes up. and her bedroom, thats her own space, but you need to be on her about keeping it tidy, like every saturday or sunday make her do it.

Ticha - posted on 11/23/2009

Simone, is so right!!!I would have told you the same thing. Good Luck. We can't let these kids run over us. Our parents would have killed us. Be demanded, Don't give in, and most important find your happy place.LOL--Good Luck

Tabitha - posted on 11/23/2009

Thanks Simone, i do give her the one to one, just feels im trying everything at the mo, and its not working. She feels that she should not have to do things, and that she should do what she wants , when she wants too. I am going to try and start removing things from her room, but then her room is disgusting!!!!!!! She wont tidy it up, maybe i should have been that bit tough love when me and her dad split up nine years ago, cause she runs rings round us both, and im fed up with it now, so your suggestions i will take on board. Thanks

Simone - posted on 11/23/2009

hi, the crazy thing about it is, if you don't be harder on her now she will be even worse when she's older. my oldest is coming on 11, and i'm finding that the older she's getting the more she's testing the waters with me to see how much can get away with. but i'm hard on her just so she no's she can't behave like that. if your daughter has friends who go on in a certain way with there parents she will try it with you. but just tell her whatever happens at her friends house don't happen in your's. girls will follow there friends just to be liked, so you really need to have your one on one time with her and make sure there is no problems with school or anything eles.