Ex's new girl

Chanda - posted on 04/25/2010 ( 10 moms have responded )

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I am having a problem with my ex's new girlfriend. I feel as if she tries to mother my kids and i dont need her to. So how do I keep the peace? Not to mention that she is only 21 and he is 35.

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Angel - posted on 05/07/2010

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It is not for you to determine the age of the other women your ex will date. Sounds like she is doing what she suppose to. Would you prefer she pin them down and beat the life out of them? Get to know he and get her on your page about your disciplinary actions when they do certain things, what you allow and don't. In the long run your children will realize they will not be able to munipulate you'll and have act right in them at all times. It will save you a lot of phone calls and make life much easier for you. Take advantange of her youthful need to play mommie and get out and date and not someone that is 21 LOL

Angie - posted on 05/02/2010

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I have learned that if the other person is a good person who really cares about ur kids it doesnt matter how old she is. My ex is with some one who is younger than him by 10 yrs. But she truly loves the boys and they seem to really like her as well. my youngest has things that he would rather do with her than with me. like his reading homework. lol which is fine with me. But i know that i am mom and you know now so is she, you have to get along for ur kids. because it is not ur descision who ur ex dates. you just have to have faith that he wont choose someone that wont treat the kids like her own. good luck to you and ur family

Cara - posted on 05/01/2010

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Children know who Mom is, and no one else will take your place. It is far better for her to be nice to them, which will probably mean motherly, as opposed to wanting nothing to do with them, or being jealous of their time with their Dad. I think it is wonderful if someone else wants to invest in the lives of my children, this is a wonderful gift to the child.
I agree with another mom who posted who said to use it to your advantage to have her on your side so that there can be uniform rules at both houses.

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Laura - posted on 05/04/2010

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Most of the other posters are correct. You are the mom and you will continue to be as long as you are trying to be. Try to be nice to her and she can be helpful. If there is something specific that she is doing that bothers you, respectfully let her know. For example, " I really prefer to help ben with his homework."
I'm on the other side of the issue, but my stepdaughter lives with us. It took us a long time to work things out and toes still occasionally get stepped on.

Rebeca - posted on 05/02/2010

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I totally agree with Cara, wouldn't it be horrible to send your children there knowing she was a mean, wicked stepmother? At least by trying to win their affection she is being nice to them.

My children spend time with their dad and his girlfriend (have been together about 2 years now), but they know Mum is Mum, no one could ever replace that, after all they spent 9 months inside us, we will always be a part of them and vice versa.

Try not to even think about them, just love and enjoy your children and when they are with you, give them your time and undivided attention. Good luck hun.

Lorraine - posted on 04/29/2010

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Yes for us as mums that is one of our most feared issues will my children choose the other woman over me. Believe in yourself as mum, you are there Mum, I feel you should count your lucky stars that she wants to be apart of their life. you could always get the over jealous, ex from hell who wont let your ex have anything to do with them and then what... At least she is making an effort. If you are concerned about it sit down with and tell her honestly how you feel , don't beat around the bush, But just remember that thats life, and if your children want to have a relationship with her that is there choice, don't let your emotions and feelings towards your ex and his partner get in the way of your quality time with your kids. After all you gave them the greatest thing LIFE. A CHILD WILL NEVER FORGET THAT. Many young women are attracted to older men and vise verser,you sought of failed to say how long they had been together for. Don't under estimate the age of a person, they may be very genuine with their feelings.

Chris - posted on 04/29/2010

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Explain to both of them that you are the mom and on certain things you need to be notified immediatly. How old are the children? Are she and your ex living together or just datine? When the children are with their father it is his responsibility to disapline the children, not hers. There will always be differences in what & how they should be disaplined, but will learn to know what they can do at each home. Sit down and explain this to both of them. As for the mothering, it's probably just a phase and will pass with the more time they spend together. Please keep us posted

Rebeca - posted on 04/28/2010

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Hi Chanda
I agree with Tracy, the ideal situation would be to try to get along with her for your kids sake and let her know what your rules are, how you punish your kids for misbehaving etc so that there is consistency for the children.

If this is not possible, then just maintain your dignity and be consistent with your kids. Children are extremely adaptable and can get used to different rules quite easily.

I left my first marriage when the my daughter was 2 and I was 2 months pregnant to my son so they have grown up living with me and spending every second weekend and half of school holidays with their father. They have different rules at each house (I am much stricter), but they adapted to this quickly. My ex is living with a woman now, she is over 40 and has 3 grown children. I tried to be friendly towards her because I wanted to be able to contact her and say 'kids are sick this wkend, can you...' or just so we could all attend school functions without it being akward but she did not want to be friendly with me and she even talked my ex into being nasty and he took me to court for custody last year (he didn't get it) but he told a mutual friend that he did not really want the kids all the time but he was doing it to hurt me because his girlfriend wanted him to.

Aren't some people strange? Anyway, if your ex's girlfriend is open to being friendly, then I recommend it as your children will have a much happier childhood.

Good luck

Tracy - posted on 04/26/2010

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I think you want to make sure she knows that you and your kids' father are the ultimate ones to make decisions on your kids' behalf, but I also think she could make a good ally for you if you can make sure the three of you are on the same page about discipline and parenting. If possible, the 3 of you should sit down to talk about how you want the parenting to work. She should follow your wishes, and if in doubt to call you. Keep the lines of communication open with her. I have a friend whose kids have one set of rules at Dad's house and another set of rules at her house. This is not optimal because the kids get confused and usually shrink to the lowest level, saying, "Dad and __________ let me do it all the time." My friend has to be extra vigilant with her boys and say, "Well, you can't do it here." She feels really out of control sometimes, and has no real input into how her boys are treated at their Dad's house. Luckily, she is a great mom and her boys have basically stuck to her rules and "the higher ground." If you can get your ex's girlfriend on your side, though, you have inroads into how your boys are parented while at your ex's house.

Missy - posted on 04/25/2010

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well i have learned that you kinda have to put your foot down but in a very mom like way my sons dad has had a couple of wifes since our son was born and they all tried but i let them know he has one mom and i do the job just fine and he also only has one dad and that we can do the job and it works they respect you for that, BUT if u get a real childish one then u have that tell them they didnt help make it so you dont need there help raising the child.

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