Help I'm at my wits end

Janet - posted on 01/08/2012

And sometimes I think we just have to pick our battles and let them learn from their own mistakes.

S. - posted on 01/07/2012

Hi ladies I want to say thank you to you all for your coments and support, I would like to say that sh did in fact grow out of this horrible stage and is "mostly" back to being her normal self again, we moved area's and she moved schools and settled in so much better we still have some attitude but things are so much better then before.
O and I'm from the Uk here children leave primary school at 11 and start high school

Terry - posted on 01/07/2012

hi i have 6 kids the oldest is my 23 yr old step-son then a 15-12-10-8 year old girls and a 5 year old special needs son my step-son went thu the same thing but we still got alone pretty good then my 15 year old has depression so i am trying to help her some days are good some are bad then my 12 year old daughter is where i have my problems with she is very headstrong when she gets mad at her sisters if they get into her things or they say things to her sometime she will go off on them bye hitting them kicking them she is even stronger then i am so i try but i cant get her under control all the time then my 10 and 8 are being good sometimes they get out of control but i can still get them back into control then i have a 5 year old son who has austim---cp----and seizures he is on 3 seizures meds and he can be very mean by hitting bitting and pinching us so i have my hands very full so i would love to get some help i read some of these posts and some are great but i still need help thank you

Janet - posted on 01/05/2012

My girls are 15 and 13 and all I can say is that it's pretty typical at that age and the only good thing is that they do grow out of it.

Julieann - posted on 01/04/2012

Some school districts have 6th through 12th grade in the High School.

Rachael - posted on 01/04/2012

I'm so glad to hear I'm not the only one that feels this way. I did feel like a horrible mother for thinking that my child was a little B. Or that I didn't like her very much at times (a lot) My daughter is 11 also and has a major attitude problem. We argue constantly. She is extremely bossy, it seems I have to remind her daily that I am the parent and not her. She drives me crazy!!!

Melisa - posted on 01/02/2012

mine is 11 and she just started 6th grade. i feel for you the stress of dealing with this kid is literally making me sick. She totally changed since she started junior high. She said she hates me. She will be 12 this month and insists that i let her talk/text boys. I refused but she did it behind my back and i found a text from a boy saying he loved her. I took all her things away i dont know what else to do. I also raised her with respect but she is a monster now.

Sherri - posted on 01/09/2011

High School at 11????? My son is turning 14 in March and won't be starting high school until the fall, He is only in 8th grade now. My 12 yr old is only in 7th grade.

If she is 11 in HS most of your problems are probably because she is hanging around kids that are 3yrs older than her. She is going to hear and witness a lot more adult things. At 11 yrs old my kids were only in Elementary School 5th grade.

Debbie - posted on 01/09/2011

Hi, I am sorry for the situation your in. I hope I can help you. I have 2 boys, 1 of 11 and 1 of 13, the 11 yr old I had no problems with and the other was a nightmare for 2 years. He has come out the otherside now. Your daughters attitude to school is good so she has respect for the teachers so your good parenting has paid off, relax, she hasnt actually changed personality permanently as we parents worry it will be a permanent thing. I used to think that he was going to be a bad boy with a bad attitude for life. This happened to my son when he started secondary, he was a placid, kind little boy and the day he came home it was shocking, a total change of behaviour. Its not nice to see this happening to them, I understand. Does she feel inadequate in any way or feels unconfident about herself. She may be mixing with other kids with bad attitudes and normally kids like that have a power over other kids and this may be appealing to her so she acts like them BUT, tell her you love her but you don't like her behaviour and the things that you think are disrespectful you need to reign her in on and give her a chance to rectify her behaviour and if she repeats it then take away one of the things she loves and dont get into an argument over it other than tell her once why you are doing what you are doing and she will probably scream slam doors shout swear etc and you'll probably get that for the rest of the evening but DON'T get into an argument as by doing this you will have the upper hand and showing her your in control and when she has calmed down go tell her that her swearing and whatever else you think is wrong is unacceptable will be punishable if she reacts like that again. You sound like a good mum who wants the best for her daughter so always be consistent and never make Idle threats I made that mistake and it always backfired and ended up 2 steps back. Even if it means she doesnt go to a party that all her friends are going to and she plays on your conscience (they are good a that) dont give in as there will always be more partys. My son has said to me that he realises how he behaved badly and regrets getting involved with the bad boys but this was a working progress to build his confidence up in himself and how he saw himself, it also comes with age. Good luck and always stay strong and remember she wont remain this way as long you are willing to put in the hard work. xxxxx

Kristin - posted on 01/04/2011

Yes, the same thing has happened to my 13-year-old. You need to read the book "Get Out of My Life, But First Can You Take Me and Cheryl to the Mall?" It is a great book, short and funny, and it will reassure you that you are doing the best you can, and your child will grow out of it sooner or later.

Cristy - posted on 01/02/2011

Ive been there....to the point where you might even like them to go visit a relative for the summer. If the Bible only gave specific instructions. The "Strong Willed Child", did help some among other books but all I can say is disipline is love. Youth need us even more than they did five years ago. Dont give up....no matter what see it to the end. Yes, we as parents will make mistakes and reach our breaking point but thats ok. Always set the example and apologize, show you make mistakes too. Stand firm...and in all situations let them know they are loved. Counseling is helpful. Prayer is a must and praying as a family is bonding. Dont forget to listen to your child...let them speak and hear what they have to say. Acting out is a cry for help, love me, accept me, give me direction, I want to fit in among many other things our kids deal with each day. Stay on top of it. This is not a time to slack off. keep your eyes open. Your child is depending on you. You can do this!

Angela - posted on 12/30/2010

Mine started high school (9th grade) this year also. It's not very often, but she still gets a time out for disrespectful behavior. Those time outs are to her room without books, phone, ipod, and whatever else she has. She doesn't get them often :D
Also, I take her aside - say in a car without siblings, where she can't run away, and ask some very pertinent questions. I'll bring up little comments that she's said (that usually have a bigger meaning than the toss out she gives it - I've found that is her way of trying to catch my attention) and usually if I can get her to open up for one thing, I'm able to get more out of her - plan for a long ride :D
I also remind her of her behavior at times and how she was raised and my expectations of that. I do not let her date - sorry that's a 16 year old thing for me, and I don't let her drive (it's okay for 14 yo to drive in Iowa) alone. I feel she's too young for any "group" situations that are out in public without an adult.
In your situation, it's possible that you need to start taking a few things away to remind her that she's still your daughter and she needs to be respectful.
Bottom line, keep the lines of communication open.

good luck!

Lynnette - posted on 12/28/2010

wow she started early for her age,I feel you there my son is horrible too at times I don't even want him around but my love for him gets me through so what I can suggest to you is love her I don't know how kids can disrespect the people that brought them into this ugly world but be strong. I will pray for you and her.

Tara - posted on 12/26/2010

yeah she is still young. And no matter what she does and say just stick to your guidelines and let her see more action of you then talking. Be firm with her. And always let her know that you love her and that's why you are staying firm with her.

Kylie - posted on 12/25/2010

This is normal behaviour as they will test the boundries, but dont back down, and be consistent. Also I find picking your battles wisely. Also my son started high school this year, I have volunteered alot at the school to get to know the friends and whole high school thing, as it is new to me too. Also invite their friends to your house so you kow who they are! yes it may give you some grey hair but believe me it is so worth it in the end...as friends do make a huge difference. Best of luck though.

Susan - posted on 12/25/2010

Stacey...this too will pass. 11 is young for high school! I work in a Middle School and I see FRUSTATED Mommas crying as the leave the school...EVERYDAY!! Just keep a picture of her (when she was still your adorable child) to remind you of a GOOD age! It WILL COME AGAIN!!

Laura - posted on 12/25/2010

Ladies, relax! PART of the behavior being described could be normal, hormone-ladened behavior. Kids entering puberty are going through emotional and physiological changes as they mature. Testing social boundaries at home and at school is not uncommon behavior. This process of maturing includes learning how to separate from the parents; it is often easier to separate from things if you are angry at it/them or don't like it/them. This sounds like that might be the case.

Ladies, these kids are NOT your little girls anymore, sad to say. These are maturing kids that are slowly becoming young women! You will not get your little girls back they way they were; however you can develop new relationships with them as young women. And "no", most daughters do not grow up to hate mom, especially if mom treats her as a developing woman rather than a girl. You are entering a new phase in your relationship--it might be bumpy at times, but patience, good communication and, most importantly, an attitude change on how you see your daughter will help you get through it! I have a 12 year old that is mature beyond her years and I've encountered the same behaviors you describe. I made sure to put an end to it right away!

With all of that said, you are STILL the parent of a minor and rules and boundaries exist to help keep kids safe. I suggest starting with a conversation regarding some of the issues that seem to cause the most conflict. Are these rules that can be negotiated on, changing them in ways that reflect your daughter's growing maturity? Even some safety rules can change to reflect growing responsibility. Have a "woman to woman" talk about some of these things.

This discussion needs to also include expectations for behavior. You are absolutely right--negative, disrespectful behavior should NOT be tolerated! Grown adults are not to act this way and neither should growing kids. Be clear about your expectations for behavior WITH possible consequences (punishments) for choosing not to abide by them. Pre-teen/teens want structure, even as they seem to "rebel" against it. Flexibility with negotiating changes to house rules show an acknowledgement of your daughter's maturing state and can help avoid some conflict. These are the methods I have used with my own daughter and we have come to an understanding that works well for us. There are very few times where we argue anymore...

Finally, if these suggestions don't seem to help or your daughter's behavior gets worse, then you can always consider going to a professional counselor. A trained therapist can teach your daughter appropriate ways to express her feelings in a safe environment. S/he can also teach you methods of discipline that might be more effective with her. I hope this helps and best of luck to you!

Ana - posted on 12/24/2010

Oh God do I feel for you. I've been in and out of this same situation with my little girl. All I can advise is that it comes in cycles and it will get better. Then it'll happen all over again some months later. Inevitably, I end up having a very serious talk about how I don't like the way it makes me feel when she's acting like such a b. I always worry that we'll have a horrible grown up relationship like so many women I've known. I had such a great relationship with my own mom that I just can't figure out where this attitude is coming from. I started reading this book called
"Get out of my life, but first can you take me to the mall?" and it seems to be written exactly about my daughter. I still have it because it talks about boy friends as a 16 year old, etc. and she's still young -- same age as your daughter -- but I expect to refer to that book repeatedly just to confirm that it's normal and she won't hate me forever. Good luck.

S. - posted on 12/23/2010

I have spoken to her teachers they all seem really happy with her attitude and when I speak to her she seems to really like school and has alot of friends, it's just this change in her at home. I have tried punishing, praising and ignoring it and nothing seems to work, is it just a case of riding it out and waiting for her to grow out of it?? I would really like my little girl bk :(

Susanne - posted on 12/23/2010

They always seem to change when they start secondary school sometimes for the better sometimes they get worse. Maybe its a new group of friends shes started hanging around with or maybe shes having trouble in school and is taking it out on you out of frustration.