Help with an 18 year old

Julie - posted on 08/22/2010

you say she will be leaving for college soon. she may be anxious or trying to make you dislike her a bit so you dont miss her too much. sounds silly i know but teenage brains dont exactly think rationaly. talk to her and see if she will tell you if she has a problem but there still must be consequences for her behaviour.

Michelle - posted on 08/21/2010

I think she will change her mind after she has been away. She will miss you and want to be with you. I think that when her first vacation comes she will be very happy to be with you and appreciate you more. She is probably testing her new adult status. I did the same thing when I was 19. I also have an 18 year old daughter that thinks she knows it all!

Laura - posted on 08/17/2010

Some good points have been made, especially the one about being easier to cut cords if everyone is mad. This is most likely a phase with this notion as the basis for the rude behavior. This is a big transition in everyone's life!

That being said, your daughter's behavior IS NOT acceptible. Call her on it and if need be, follow through with consequences. Remind her that rude, disrespectful behavior is not how adults act and that as an 18 year old she is now a legal adult. Find some time to have a girl's night--a special "adult" dinner perhaps--to talk about everyone's emotions during this transition time. Establish ground rules for behavior though--no name-calling, rude comments, etc. If the rules are broken then the evening is ended. Establish the consequences a head of time so that she knows what to expect from you if she chooses to engage in the negative behavior. Share your feelings with her and ask her how she is feeling about going to college. You may find that she is feeling scared, nervous, anxious, etc and that the rude behavior is her trying to cope with these emotions. Let her know that it is okay to have these feelings, but that it is not okay to transfer them onto others in the family. Discuss how she can cope with those emotions in more appropriate ways--excercise, hobbies, sports activities and volunteerism are all good ways to cope with stress and emotions. Just remember that it's easier for her to make a break from the parents by pushing them away. Let her know that this is not neccessary, that you recognize that she is an adult about to go off on her own yet you will always be there for her when she needs you. This is a very exciting and bittersweet time for everyone--blessings to you all!

Kim - posted on 08/17/2010

I would evaluate your relationship with each other in general, if things have been good up to this point, there is underlying cause. Make some time for one on one, movies or lunch and try to get her to open up. If there is no real justification for her behaviour, make it clear how you feel about what she says and does and the effect on the entire family. I hope this resolves itself :)

Patricia - posted on 08/14/2010

I am TRULY SORRY that your husband does NOT want to help with this situation. I will FERVENTLY PRAY that he understands that this is his daughter too and he is NOT to let your daughter talk or act this way to you at all. I truly understand what others are saying about her issues with being 18 and starting college and all; However, she has NO BUSINESS talking ro disrespecting you in any way ESPECIALLY if you have other children at home. Depending on how bad this gets or could get the next time that she disrespects you NO MATTER WHAT HER EXCUSES ARE remind her that she IS 18 and you LEGALLY NO LONGER have to put up with any disrespect and if she does not appreciate you as parents nor wants to live under the same roof that she go right on ahead and be on her own as you will no longer will be putting up with her disprespect.
I am Praying for you all as I type this..........
God Bless

Kari - posted on 08/13/2010

Sounds like it could be any number of things that are causing your daughters attitude but I think you should first ask yourself if she's been like this for ahwile or if it is fairly recent. If it's recent then it probably has a lot to do with going away to college. It's scary and turning eighteen brings home the fact that all of the sudden you are a lot more accountable for your actions and every choice you make. You might just want to give her a little space and keep trying to find out what's at the root. You could even try just mentioning how proud you are of her choice to go to college and high school graduation and let that lead into a talk about how you felt at eighteen. If nothing seems to be working and your husband doesn't want to help then maybe you'll have to just put her in her place and let time and the bond of being mom and daughter fix it.

Ramona - posted on 08/11/2010

Call her on this bad behavior when she does it. It is also common for kids to do this before they leave. I heard it is the messing the nest syndrom. It makes it easier to leave if everyone is mad.

Angie - posted on 08/11/2010

I have been told many times you teach people how to treat you. If this were any other 18 year old how would you deal with this situation? Just because she is 18 does not mean she can be rude disrespectful or just plain mean. If she does this let her know there will be consequences for her actions, but be prepared to follow through.

Eronne - posted on 08/11/2010

She is allowed to talk to you that way unless you want to hand out consequences that change it..I would suggest you don't. She's leaving for college, she's 18 and I'm sure there are a multitude of other changes going on. If she's basically been a loving daughter, this is a phase. She may need to cut the cord by acting mean towards you. Don't burn your bridge. Be as pleasant as you can. Picture her at two or three when you want to wring her neck. The time is short now, try to find some joy in it. Everything between you will change over the next few years and you really need to make sure it changes for the better. You might want to explore your feelings about her leaving. It might not be all one-sided.