Help with teenage daughter

Laura - posted on 12/30/2010

It is not uncommon for teens to push against parental and social boundaries as they try to navigate puberty. Your daughter seems to be doing this so you are not alone in that respect. though she is acting as if she doesn't care, she most likely really does care and is testing your response to her actions! She is watching you! Funny thing about teens, though, is that they actually WANT boundaries even as they push against them! The boundaries created by "house rules" can provide a sense of security as long as a teen deems them to be fair and not overly restrictive or "childish". It sounds like your daughter is putting your existing rules and expectations to the test.

As a starting point, you and your husband should take a look at your house rules for your daughter, WITH accompanying consequences (punishments) for breaking them. Are your rules and expectations in line with her age and maturity? Are these rules & consequences fair? Are there any house rules that you would be willing to negotiate changing as a way of reflecting your daughter's maturing state? Rules that pertain to her safety do NOT need to be negotiated! I'm thinking about things like bedtimes, computer/TV usage, chores, etc. I know in light of what has happened it may seem counter-intuative to be negotiating with your daughter, but actually this can help!

First, being willing to involve her in re-structuring house rules and consequences acknowledges, to her, that you see that she is growing up. Plus if she is involved in creating some of these rules you are more likely to get her to "buy in" to them. That "buy in" makes it much more likely that she will actually follow them! You can even go so far as to create a "contract" that everyone signs--you can then post this somewhere as a reminder. Throughout all of this remind her of her "choices" and that her choices will have consequences, both good and bad. Encourage her to think things through and make good choices as you go along. Offer incentives (rewards) for showing good judgment/choices/behavior. Incentives can be monetary (she is a teen!) or they can be special activities that she can work for as a goal. Breaking house rules is nothing more than making poor choices and consequences will follow! Be firm but loving and, most importantly, do not take anything she does or says personally! Any "I hate you"'s can be calmly accepted (you know it's not true--it's frustration and anger) and simply respond with "That's okay, I still love you". By not feeding into her emotional responses, you deflate a teen pretty quickly! And most of them have no comeback for "I still love you"! So take heart, all is not lost!

Finally, if your daughter's behavior doesn't improve with trying these suggestions or it seems to worsen, don't hesitate contacting a trained professional! Your doctor or pediatrician might be able to give you a referal or you can contact your local hospital or mental health facility for information. Look for someone who specializes in adolescent behavior. A therapist will be able to teach your daughter appropriate ways to express and cope with her emotions. Much of what i have suggested comes from experience working with teens in residential placement: These are the same methods I use with my own daughter, too! Hope this helps and good luck to you!