Hi...just want to ask, my son is soon to be 18 and has been seeing a girl now for a couple of months..he recently asked me if she can sleep over soon....i wasnt too sure how to answer so i just said i will need to think about it...just want some other mums thoughts

Shannon - posted on 02/17/2009

I am a mother of step-children who are all over the age of 18. There have been times where they had wanted their boyfriends to spend the night, but unfortunately that is just not an option in our house. My husband and I explained to them that it is inappropriate and that level of intimacy is not suitable for our home. While we are aware they are having sex...it's not something that is to be done in our home.

I think if you speak to your daughter and let her understand why you have reservations she will understand....and if she doesn't she is being selfish and disrespectful. Children, I don't care what the age need to understand that their parents are still their parents and their are bounderies whether they are 10 or 50. Now the kids may have had guy friends come over, but there was a curfew for when they needed to leave the house.

For the most part they respected our decisions. Good luck.

Julie - posted on 02/17/2009

I am only speaking from experience. We had all the talks, we had all the sit down discussions, we had all the fights and we threw out girl friends in the morning and now I am 36 and my step daughter is expecting in August. We talked and talked and preached and preached and explained what could happen if he or she stayed here or somewhere else. I only speak from experience.

Pamela - posted on 02/17/2009

Quoting Wendy:

why is it that several people believe that just because young people have sex that pregancy has to come with that......that can really happen at any age and it comes with precaution i have stated this all to my son and at the end of the day if thats what is meant to happen it will happen wether i allow it or not this girl or another girl .....at the end of the day if my son doesnt use precaution then he will have to suffer the end results i dont think it wil matter when i consent to them sleepin here or not

Wendy,

I think if you are open and knowledgeable, let both of them know your expectations, sit down with them  together, you can get your point across. I have a fairly open mind and I know my son and his girlfriend are intimate, but they do not need to flaunt it in our faces. I would not have  been allowed as a teenager  and I respect my parents for that. I think really it comes down to is.... do you feel comfortable or not? What are you willing to have happen under your roof? I have a very good friend who allowed her 15 year old daughter to have her boyfriend practically move in with them for 4 years. After that amount of time, they split up, hard on everyone involved! I never did agree with her letting him stay, we agreed to disagree. Different upbringings and that was the issue. I don't feel any differently about her or her daughter, it is just that what's good for one family may not be good for another. Like I said to you before, go with your gut instinct and be aware that the more you let them do under your roof, the easier it becomes to turn a blind eye. Is that really what you want? Personally, I think it is disrespectful to the guardians also to not involve them and ask what their thoughts are. If she is living with someone other than her parents, they should have a say in what she does while under their care. They may feel uncomfortable about explaining to their family (especially if their are small children involved) where she is staying.

Good luck! :) 

Chris - posted on 02/17/2009

If you bring up your children with the knowledge they need, to lead a healthy and safe sexual relationship, then there shouldn't be a problem.  Our children, if their minds are set, will have sex whether we like it or not.  I was brought up with very strict parents and stayed over at a friends house with my boyfriend.

Wendy - posted on 02/17/2009

why is it that several people believe that just because young people have sex that pregancy has to come with that......that can really happen at any age and it comes with precaution i have stated this all to my son and at the end of the day if thats what is meant to happen it will happen wether i allow it or not this girl or another girl .....at the end of the day if my son doesnt use precaution then he will have to suffer the end results i dont think it wil matter when i consent to them sleepin here or not

Julie - posted on 02/16/2009

Be very careful with this one. I stand firm that unless they are old enough to be parents they should not be encouraged to have sex and allowing a girl to spend the night is encouragment no matter how you look at it. We are friends after we are parents. The first few times will be fine but in 3,6, 9 months she'll turn up pregnant and then you'll have 3 people to deal with not 1.

Jeanymaree - posted on 02/16/2009

At Least he asked that shows he has respect for you now its up to you, on one hand they could always stay somewhere else how would you feel? But if you go ahead don't let them treat it like a hotel Good luck I wish this was around when my son bought his home

Chris - posted on 02/16/2009

Your welcome, my time will come and I'm not looking forward to it either lol.  Take care :0)

Wendy - posted on 02/16/2009

i actually had a quite lengthy discussion with him last night explaining how i feel..he told me last night that he is still a virgin and that he can understand how i feel...the girls at work have said exactly what u said in regards to the first time will feel weird but after that it will get easier...thank you so much chris have a great day xxxx

Chris - posted on 02/16/2009

It's new for you just as much as it is for your son so I would take the casual approach.  Discuss your feelings with your son and maybe suggest a family games night or film night to get used to having her there late evening.  They don't have to share a room straight away, not until you're comfortable with the idea.  We like to think of our kids as our babies and it's hard to let go I know.  With each night it'll bother you less.

Wendy - posted on 02/16/2009

thank you for your response.....i agree with your response i just dont know how i will feel when and if she sleeps over

Chris - posted on 02/16/2009

Although my son is no where near old enough it is one of the subjects I've talked through with my husband.  We both agreed that when he's in a "serious" relationship and we feel that he's mature enough, then with full concent of his girlfriends parents, she can stay over.  He started asking about sex when my sister fell pregnant and ever since then the questions came tumbling out.  We are very open with him and answer all his questions truthfully and honestly.  He knows about contraception and the stupid wives tales that get other teenagers into trouble.  I'd rather his girlfriend stay over than have them sneak around behind our backs and end up like the 13 year who just fathered a baby girl with his 15 year old girlfriend or like a friend of mine who lost her virginity in the back of a garage.  Times have changed and I think it's great that your son is comfortable enough to ask you this question.

Heather - posted on 02/15/2009

Hi, I have a daughter who is 17 1/2 and been with her boyfriend for 6 months. I dont allow them to stay in her room with the door shut and wouldnt let him sleep over. Partly because I have 3 younger children and i dont want them to think its ok to have sex early. Its so difficult because you want them to experience life but dont want them to make mistakes, Being a mom is a very steep learning curve!

Julie - posted on 02/15/2009

I agree, even if you let them sleep over in another room or on the couch... Do you really think that while you are sleeping he or she is not going to sneak into the bedroom? We were all kids once, we know how this works. You have to be a parent here and not a friend. 18 is not an adult, they are young adults. They have a whole life in front of them to "sleep over"

Julie - posted on 02/15/2009

Do you want to be a grandma? The rule in my house we have a 21, 19 and 15 year old (and yes it gets broken on occasion and there is yelling but it is the rule) "You live in my house and if you want to have sex with someone then get a job and get a hotel because until you can afford that.... you can't afford a baby." Their hormones are raging right now but you don't have to give them a place to have sex, they will find it or they won't have it. You dont' have to make it easier. It is YOUR house and if you have younger kids, they are going to see everything.

Luciana - posted on 02/15/2009

Quoting Kim:

My, how times have changed.  I would have never been able to ask my parents this question, nor would I have wanted to.  They've just started dated, so I'm not going to assume they're sleeping together, even if they are, doesn't mean you have to encourage it by providing the place.  I would say no.  I'm all about being cool and all that, but some things should not be llowed.  This is the one thing for me, bu I'm much more old fashioned and conservative.

I agree with Kim...there are just some things that should not be allowed.  I know that there are certain things that you need to change along with the timesbut this is not one of them.  I see folks talking about sleeping in separate beds but lets just be real folks, open or not with your children) do you really think that they are not going to find a way to get it in(have sex) while the boyfriend/girlfriend is there that night? 

This is a form of disrespect in my opinoin.  Be open with your child, know what they are doing but I think parents should draw the line at providing a place (and the time for that matter) to have sex, you were a teenager once think about what you did when you were their age.  At the age of 18 & over, if you feel as though you want your girlfriend/boyfriend spend the night then it is time for you to move out and get your own and pay your own way so that you can do as you please and you don't have to ask permission for what you do in your place.  If you are not ready/prepared to do those things then you are not ready/prepared for your girlfriend/boyfriend to spend the night. Its that plain and simple for me and MY house.

Wendy - posted on 02/15/2009

thanks Alice no i can not see that happening they are both in year 12 and know where they are heading as far as career goes...if she does sleep it would only be on the weekend, he really hardly ever see's her through the week...his girlfriend is actually very independant and is very mature for her age (had to grow up very quickly) i have spoken of course to my son about all my concerns and i also mentioned to him that i would like to have a chat to his g/f regards how i feel etc...i am sure it will all work out

Christenn - posted on 02/14/2009

This deprnds on your teachings and morals. Seems like you know what you are up against tho. If you allow her to sleep over you know you cannot allow them to sleep in the same room. Set your standards and speak to your son demand that he keeps them.

My lady please understand that you cannot sleep that night if you allow her to sleep over.

Alice - posted on 02/14/2009

All valid points and marvelous advice! I would like to add though that it sounds like this girl hasnt a stable home....I was one of those, I slept at my boyfriends alot......not healthy. The attachment and bonding is phenominal. I ended up not going on to University, would have missed him too much.....ended up married, then after I matured divorced. Just be careful with the staying over changing to living with you. That probably wouldnt be good for either of them! Hope that helps!

Tracey - posted on 02/13/2009

Quoting Robyn:

. Do we sit on our soap box, of course not. We know it's happening so it's better to discuss and reach agreements/understandings.

I would say have a candid conversation about your views, rules, Most of all, stick to whatever lines you draw in the sand, if any. And remember, what is right for you may not be for another family. U have to do what is best and acceptable for yours. What we do with our son, I'm sure there are eye brows raised but ya know..as parents..we do what we feel is best in our world.

Good luck.

Just quoting part of Robyn's reply......

     I totally agree with you on this topic. My daughter was 19 when we started allowing her boyfriend to spend the night. We discussed our expectations with them both, and asked for a level of respect, and to always remember this our home, and she has a little sister to think about too. They have both been totally responsible and respectful. We are NOT blind to the idea that sex will happen, but they are so dang careful about it, you wouldn't even think it was happening. Young people will do it anyways, somehow, someway, and allowing the "sleeping" part is NOT necessarily allowing the sex part. Like I said before, we asked for the respect, and they mostly give it to us. It's now almost 2 years laters, and they are still together, and now moving into their own apartment, and I have to toot my horn, they thanked us for being the open minded parents we are, because it helped them learn slowly what intimacy and love really are! It is NOT all about the sex. Good Luck and keep Robyn's words in mind, what works for one family doesn't always work for another!

Julia - posted on 02/13/2009

We don't allow our children to date until they are 18 for this reason. We also let them know firmly that pre-marital sex is probably not the wisest decision and give them plenty of ammunition to stay away from making this mistake if they are inclined to do so. (as in what to do and what NOT to do on a date!) What your son does now will affect the next 20 years of his life, it's called the "critical tiem", I would encourage to read a book (maybe have him read it too!) Called "Life on the Edge" by Dr. James Dobson. It's a real eye opener and will help towards a successful life for your teens!

Hope that helps!

Julia

Wendy - posted on 02/13/2009

yes thats what i am thinking.....and yes i totally agree i have explained it all too him thank you for posting you advise

Yvonne - posted on 02/12/2009

Hi, I had a similar problem a few years ago, when my oldest son still lived at home. They are going to get intimate wherever they happen to be and the message i gave to my son was to be careful, responsible and above all respectful of his girlfriend and my home.

Pamela - posted on 02/11/2009

Quoting Wendy:

Quoting Pamela:

I have a son who has just turned 18 in January and has been with his girlfriend for over a year. I do know they are (active) but we are also very open and no secrets! I was the one to help them with what to do to get proper birth control. (I do not want to be a Grandma yet) Really, we can talk about anything and we do. I am no prude, that is for sure but I also do not agree that teenagers should be allowed  to have "co-ed sleep-overs" unless they are supervised. I think it sends the wrong message about respecting the other members in the household be it other siblings, grand parents or even parents. If your child respects you as they should, it won't be an issue. What would the girlfriends parents think anyway? would they know? You do not want to get in trouble with the girlfriends parents either.

thank you for your great advice as a single parent i have been very open with both my children but i have found that when i bring up the relationship/sex talk with him he tends to go b\very withdrawn and wont discuss, for all i know they mayve already become active i have asked him and he says no...as far as her parents go she doesnt have any communication with her mum and has left the family home to live with her g/f's family....he hasnt mentioned it too me since but the night of his party i know she is sleeping so i might be faced with some things there 

 

I have really tried to be as open and non-judgmental as possible with my kids. I have an 18 year old son and 13 year old twin boy-girl. My son (twin)  has learning disabilities and ADD. I  have also run a daycare centre for the last 14 years. I have learned patience is the key to raising well adjusted children. So far anyway.

I remember as a teenage girl that I would not have dreamed of asking my mom and dad to have a boyfriend stay the night. I try to use my gut feeling and take bits of comon sense advice from anyone who who takes the time to give it. I know being a single Mom, you have no back up on making the hard decisions, someone to say you are doing the right thing. But if you believe that you are making the right choice, follow thru, tell your son you are not comfortable with her sleeping in his room, maybe she could sleep in a room beside your bedroom, (of course only if her guardians agree).

I personally would not make a habit of it, kids need to know that this is your home with your rules. You need to give him some room to grow, he's almost an adult but as long as you are paying the bills and all that being the parent entails, you are still the boss. 

Good luck, parenting can be hard, 

Pam Olson

Anjela - posted on 02/11/2009

my kids are 10 & 12 this is scary stuff, that i'm going to face oneday.

i would insist on asking to speak to the girls parents to ensure you had their consent for her to stay over first. the thought of her having to ask her folks might be enough to put them off asking again though! yipee

goodluck!

Wendy - posted on 02/10/2009

Quoting Pamela:

I have a son who has just turned 18 in January and has been with his girlfriend for over a year. I do know they are (active) but we are also very open and no secrets! I was the one to help them with what to do to get proper birth control. (I do not want to be a Grandma yet) Really, we can talk about anything and we do. I am no prude, that is for sure but I also do not agree that teenagers should be allowed  to have "co-ed sleep-overs" unless they are supervised. I think it sends the wrong message about respecting the other members in the household be it other siblings, grand parents or even parents. If your child respects you as they should, it won't be an issue. What would the girlfriends parents think anyway? would they know? You do not want to get in trouble with the girlfriends parents either.

thank you for your great advice as a single parent i have been very open with both my children but i have found that when i bring up the relationship/sex talk with him he tends to go b\very withdrawn and wont discuss, for all i know they mayve already become active i have asked him and he says no...as far as her parents go she doesnt have any communication with her mum and has left the family home to live with her g/f's family....he hasnt mentioned it too me since but the night of his party i know she is sleeping so i might be faced with some things there 

Robyn - posted on 02/09/2009

I have a 20 year old and have been dealing with the same. Wendy, you have to decide your postion and draw some boundaries, if there are to be any.



We have discussed this particular element of a relationship with our son. It's hard 1) we don't stay up until wee hours of the morning to monitor if he comes in alone or with his gfriend. 2) He's a product of co habitation, if you will. LOL So we know thru experience the results of co habitation. However, what worked for us may not for him. And we've discussed this at length. Fortunately, his father and I ended up marrying and here we are trying to do what is in the best for all of us. Dealing with the boy/girl relationship of our young adult son. Who would have thought, right? Anyway..personally, we've been up front about our views. Been nothing but open with our son as to the precautionary measures to be taken on both ends. We dont' want to see him becoming a young father..it's tough. Do we sit on our soap box, of course not. We know it's happening so it's better to discuss and reach agreements/understandings.



I would say have a candid conversation about your views, rules, Most of all, stick to whatever lines you draw in the sand, if any. And remember, what is right for you may not be for another family. U have to do what is best and acceptable for yours. What we do with our son, I'm sure there are eye brows raised but ya know..as parents..we do what we feel is best in our world.



Good luck.

Pamela - posted on 02/09/2009

I have a son who has just turned 18 in January and has been with his girlfriend for over a year. I do know they are (active) but we are also very open and no secrets! I was the one to help them with what to do to get proper birth control. (I do not want to be a Grandma yet) Really, we can talk about anything and we do. I am no prude, that is for sure but I also do not agree that teenagers should be allowed  to have "co-ed sleep-overs" unless they are supervised. I think it sends the wrong message about respecting the other members in the household be it other siblings, grand parents or even parents. If your child respects you as they should, it won't be an issue. What would the girlfriends parents think anyway? would they know? You do not want to get in trouble with the girlfriends parents either.

Wendy - posted on 02/09/2009

thank you so much for all your responses the girl involved is 18, i had mentioned that she is welcome to sleep over but in another room but when he asked me it was too sleep in his room...he hasnt mentioned it again since i feel he understands how hard it is for me to allow but i also do understand that one day i will need to..he is soon to become an young adult

Andrea - posted on 02/08/2009

My dad would let my boyfriend sleep over at times when I was that age. But we were not allowed to sleep in the same room. He was in the livingroom and I was in my bed. My stepbrother is allowed to have his girlfriend over night but the same rules applied to them until just recently. They now sleep in his room. But they are now about to be 20 and are at the same college so they come home together for the weekend. Why shouldnt they be allowed to stay together on the weekends they come home when they stay together a couple times a week at school anyway. I think as long as the rules are laid out for them and her parents are ok with it then it should be ok. If they break the rules then they would have to go back to no more sleep overs.

Kim - posted on 02/08/2009

My, how times have changed.  I would have never been able to ask my parents this question, nor would I have wanted to.  They've just started dated, so I'm not going to assume they're sleeping together, even if they are, doesn't mean you have to encourage it by providing the place.  I would say no.  I'm all about being cool and all that, but some things should not be llowed.  This is the one thing for me, bu I'm much more old fashioned and conservative.

Tandi - posted on 02/08/2009

How old is the girl? My concern would be if she was under age, and her parents had problems with it. You cant take chances is day and age.

Wanda - posted on 02/08/2009

I have let my kids have girlfriends over. They are 21 and 24. I just ask that they sleep in separate beds, for now. Its your house and you need to set down the standards. Hope this helps.

Wendy - posted on 02/07/2009

its very hard because she has had a bit of a bad childhood the mum has left etc...i have talked to him about precautions etc but yea its hard ...i understand that he is nearly 18 but i dont know how i would feel knowin that they are in the bedroom etc its makes me shudder lol

Norma - posted on 02/07/2009

I'm glad its you and not me!LOL. This has to be one of the hardest decisions to make. I think the big question is would her parents let him sleep over! If both sets of parents are on side with it, why not, since you know they are having sex somewhere! Or just say sure, she can have your room and you can sleep on the couch! Good luck.