How do I deal with my 11 yr old step daughter???

Hollie - posted on 04/11/2011 ( 7 moms have responded )

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Help me please........ !!
I am fast beginning to hate my own SD. She is 11 yrs old and has lived with my husband and I for just over a year. We also have two younger boys. She doesn't have a relationship with her own mother due to her mother being a complete drunken loser!! She is causing a huge rift between myself and my husband. She constantly lies, kicks, screams, tantrums, swears, sulks, attention seeks, bullies other kids at school, supposedly gets bullies herself at school (I don't quite believe that one though) I am seriously considering taking my boys and making a run for it. I can't cope anymore. I know she wants us out and I know I will be playing straight into her hands but I really am at my wits end. She has ruined our lives. She overeats and is 5 stone overweight so is under a dietician and a psycologist but neither seems to be working. If anything she is becoming worse. I want her out. I know I should want to help her but surely ther is a limit to how much you can sacrifice for somebody elses kid!!! I have my own boys to think about. Somebody tell me they are in the same situation??? My husband is oblivious to all this because of course shes a little angel in front of him.

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Been there done that and felt exactly the same as you. The number of times ive thought of walking out because of my stepdaughter. She hated me from day one and I cant honestly say I blame her as her mother filled her mind full of rubbish about me. Havent got much advice as to be honest I dont know how i got through it myself except to talk to your husband and make him aware of how you feel. At the end of the day its his daughter not yours and he has to deal with her if she wont behave when she is with you maybe he shouldnt leave her alone with you but make other arrangements

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Ann - posted on 08/15/2012

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I completely understand your feelings. My daughter was a daddy's girl. He has always had full custody. When I came along she was so angry and jealous it was unbearable. It's been 3 years and things are only a little better. She bullies my two boys and treats her father like an idiot. As I am still working on this problem I don't have much advice that's worth anything. All I can say is please just try to hold onto the fact that she is only a child, with fears and insecurities. That old saying is so true...when someone is hardest to love is when they need love the most.

Danielle - posted on 10/11/2011

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Someone else's child?? Mayb that's the problem love her like she's ur own & in time she will turn around

Shel - posted on 07/19/2011

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Help! I have a SD who is nine years old and a son who is five . Recently she told her father a lie about me. I pack both kids lunch kits with three snacks each.



She told her father that she had to take a soup from the cafe at camp because I only packed one snack for her and three snacks for my son!





Which was a blatant lie! I am very upset and disappointed that she lied and to make things worst her father accused me of doing so believing her.



I am very upset and I am having difficulty now dealing with this child. Fear of her lies being more serious.



Before this we had a very good relationship why would she lie on me?



Note My husband has two other kids who are younger but have a different mother.

Hollie - posted on 04/16/2011

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Thankyou to Susanne and Alice...... very supportive. I do love her, I really do but she makes it so hard to even like her sometimes. I see my own children as my main priority. Maybe some will think that is wrong but i'm here to protect and care for them. We have to remember that the world does not revolve around my SD. There are 2 other younger children in my house that need just as much love and attention as she does. I love my husband and I obviously don't want to leave him but I will if it came to her not improving. I'm going to lose my mind and my Children need me. I never bad mouth her mother in front of her. We don't nedd to, she knows what her mother is. She has experienced it first hand. I know she has been to hell and back. If she was the only child in my house, I would bust my arse for her and take everything on, good and bad, but I can't. My kids don't deserve this. I want them to remember their childhood as being happy and stress free. I suppose at the end of the day she isn't my child and I'll never love her like she is. She makes it soo hard. No, she doesn't deserve this but neither do we. My number one are my children. I'm exhausted by her.

Alice - posted on 04/13/2011

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wow!!!! you are one tough lady! this sounds like a nightmare for you and your family! I do not have step children , but I was one....lol This child is crying out for help...she cant rely on her mom obviously, so all she sees has is her Daddy ....and you...SHE IS PUSHING YOU AWAY TO HAVE HIM TO HERSELF! this may be the only way she knows how to deal with the situation, unfortunately! She is young and only knows the here and now.....you know better...you seem like a very caring person who has been pushed to the limit!
Is there someone who will give you and your husband a 'respite' from this situation for a few days? sounds like you both need to talk about it and pull together to help her, you and your other children...I am no expert but she may be pushing you to see if you will 'unlove' her...as I am assuming her mom did...my advice is to love, love, love her until she cant deny that you do....I know thats hard considering her behavior but if you love your husband and want this family as a whole it will work out! gosh! I feel bad for you, so hard to bridge that gap, you must be so stressed! but honestly if she can sense you are 'ready to run' she will try harder....If you want this to work....try this; say to her " I chose to love you anyway, no matter how hard you push me away, I am staying and I will love you and try to help you love yourself if you will let me" This probably sounds insane to you, but I really wish someone would have said that to me when I was a teen and struggling with issues like hers....hope something I've said helps....bless you my friend for taking the responsibility of another's child.....good luck!

Julie - posted on 04/11/2011

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first of all you need to stop thinking of her as NOT YOUR CHILD you are a family whether you gave birth to her or not. second i hope to goodness that you do not refer to her mum in a bad way while she is there or within earshot. anyway you need to talk to your husband and then bother of you make the rukles and both show a united front in what ever you do. sit her down with the 2 of you and talk to her about her behaviour and let her know it is not acceptable. she needs to be treated like the other kids in the house and not as seperate. treat her ike anyone else with rules boundaries and consequences. make time toi talk to her about her day and other things that are going on but above all do not loose your temper infront of her that would be playing into her hands. she is a preteen and will soon be a teenager and if you start building good foundations now you will have a good relationship with her as she grows. your husband is the key and you really need to let him know how you feel and what is going on. i once found taping my children and showing my husband when he got home was a pretty good idea because he saw for himself and knew i wasnt just being melodramatic of basicaly lying.

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