How do I tell my 11 yr old daughter that she can't have any boyfriends while her friends already have their own?

Tawni - posted on 08/23/2012

Assuming you're talking to me, I'm sorry, but my name isn't Tami, lol.

Yes, I can cook, I do the laundry, and I'm a neat freak so I'm kind of the one that does the vacuuming, dusting, and organizing at my house.

I am doing well in school. I have a 2100 on the SAT, and I'm applying to Harvard Med next year. Hopefully, I get in.

I honestly don't see what you're getting at when you say "When one becomes old enough to get married, I can guarantee you that all these things will be a problem in a marriage."

What things? Cooking and cleaning? This has nothing to do with dating at 11. Dating at 11 is pretty much holding hands and kissing the other on the cheek, not thinking about finances. Not like she'll marry the guy.

Linda - posted on 08/23/2012

Tami, besides being interested in dating and having freedom. Have you learned how to wash clothes, cook, clean house? Also I hope you are doing well in school. A lot of young youth who are young adults now, cannot cook, clean, or manage their finances. When one becomes old enough to get married, I can guarantee you that all these things will be a problem in a marriage. Youth today do not see this as a problem right now, but it will become one. It is nice to enjoy being young, but along with fun should be education and learning how to be independent.

Tawni - posted on 08/23/2012

I'll write the same thing I wrote for a similar question:



It honestly depends on your daughter, in my opinion.

My parents (I'm 16.) never put a restriction on me.

As a teenager, I honestly don't see why I would even need one.

Think about it. What's so bad about your daughter having a boyfriend?



Edit:

I'm reading the other posts, and my god, you all have your children on leashes.

Why so much control over your children? Do you not trust their judgement that much?

I have one rule and that is come home by 11.

I can pull all-nighters if I want to and my parents don't say a word to me. They frown at me and ask, "why did you stay up so late?" but never have I been forced to go to bed.

Honestly, they fight back because you make them.

I go to sleep, at the latest, 3 am. Usually around 1 though. I'm doing just fine.

Linda - posted on 08/23/2012

A lot of you parents think you know what your kids are up to. We as parents never know what our children are up to. They will lie at every chance they can. When they tell you they are spending the night at a friends house, sure they are. They will go to the friends house for a little while and then they meet up with a boy, and after their done doing whatever they get dropped off back at the girlfriends house. Your child isn't really lying to you though, she is spending the night at her girlfriends. The girlfriends are such good friends that they lie for each other and because the favor is returned when the friend that you slept over at, expects the favor in return when she wants to do something similar. Parents never allow your children to spend the night at someone's house because you never know what is happening behind strangers close doors.

Jakki - posted on 08/23/2012

My 11 year old is telling me that all these kids at school have boyfriends and girlfriends - but it doesn't mean anything! They don't even meet outside of school. It's just words.



If my daughter told me she had a boyfriend at this stage I wouldn't bat an eyelid because I know it's still very innocent.

Nina - posted on 08/21/2012

Good God !! There are 11 year olds that have boyfriends? What type of boyfriends? Having friends who are peers and of a different gender is not an issue. There are mixed schools, so one can participate in mixed activities and have friends who are female and male, however, a boyfriend in terms of a lover or something of the kind is completely absurd for anyone who is not an adult. Boyfriends are people whom we date when we wish to find Mr Right, at an age where this is not of concern the whole boyfriend thing seems utterly ridiculous and damaging.

Shea - posted on 08/15/2012

just let her she probably will go behind your back anyway but my daughter got a boyfriend when she was 8 and told me when she was 10 she just didnt know how to tell me

Brandy - posted on 08/15/2012

My daughter is gonna be 11 this month and during this last school year she mentioned that she likes a boy, oh boy for me lol, well we run an off road shop and we have made a deal with her that if she wanted a car when she turned 16 that we would buy her the car of her choice but she could not have a boyfriend, meaning that if she wanted a boyfriend she would have to buy it and pay for ins and gas herself which she agreed with and said she rather have the car, bedsides between school, homework and being in the gym for practice 5+ hrs a week she really has no time for one ahaha my lil secret :)

Linda - posted on 08/14/2012

I can't seem to get how these young kids under 16, want to have a boyfriend and they can barely spell. Educate yourself before thinking about having a boyfriend. A boy can and will eventually be there. During your early years this is what you should be doing: family, education, friends, in that exact order and the same thing applies when your 16 years olds, except boyfriend is last. If you have no education you have nothing. Once you are older and considering getting married and having kids you better be able to afford it. To many people these days have children and can't afford them, or can afford them, and give them everything they want. Children today feel they are entitled to everything and have tantrums when they don't get what they want. We as parents are ruining our children by buying them electronics, cars, etc. and allowing them to stay out as long as they want. I have a saying, "Nothing good happens after 2 a.m."

Linda - posted on 08/14/2012

Personally, I believe 11 years old is to young for a boyfriend. A reasonable age to start dating is 16 years old, anything younger they should be just worrying about school, family and friends. I agree with Debbie, a lot of kids these days are going to do what they want. I would hope that if they are going to be sexually active, that they will be able to come to you and you can hopefully talk her out of it, or get protected. Definitely, don't want an early pregnancy. Tell her that if she feels she are old enough to sleep with someone that hopefully they will be old enough to understand that she could possibly get pregnant. If she gets pregnant let her know that you will not be there to help her if she does. A lot of mothers help their child by caring for their daughter's newborn and then another pregnancy appears. Just saying, have the talk.

Peggyann - posted on 08/13/2012

Well, telling any teen that they are not aloud to date is hard, my mother figured that out. I'm 14 and I have a boyfriend by the way. Your teen may have a rebellious streak yet when even though you have set boundries and have told your daughter that she isn't aloud a boyfriend, she will get one if she has the chance, thats what I did, I dissobeyed my mother because I believe that her boundries were to high and that she wasn't making any sence, oh yeah, and don't be too hard on your Daughter. If you have a very good relationship with your Daughter, use it, tell her what you expect, that is soemthing that every daughter wants, no matter what they say, we all want a good relationship with our mothers and we want to know that they are willing to talk to us about realtionships and sex, but don't forse her, that will just make her want to disobey you more.

Karen - posted on 08/09/2012

@Julie - are there consequences for deliberate disobedience? I can't even imagine what would have happened to me had I had a boyfriend at the age of 11 against my parents express wishes? The payoff had better have been pretty darn good to chance what would have happened, the loss of my parent's trust and respect, and the knowledge that I had been so disrespectful. So are you saying that you compromise your values and lower your standards because it's easier or because they're just going to disrespect you anyway. I'm not saying that I was a perfect kid, but I did know where the lines were and what would happen if I crossed them. Those lines didn't move just because "I was going to do it anyway".

Angela - posted on 08/09/2012

Honesty is the best policy with children. Every household has different rules. My mother stuck to her guns when she made a dicision and followed through with predictable consequences fitting for the crimes that I committed and that gave me some of the tools that I needed to be a fair and dependable mother. I really lack in experience with my children as they reside at their father's house and visit me, so I don't know how credible that I am for advice on this one. I know that I let my daughters have boyfriends but never ever let them go on dates or have any sort of alone time with each other. It seemed harmless enough to have a somewhat meaningful relationship with one of the opposite gender. The girls dad is super vigillant and attentative, so that helped ease my mind as well. (I wonder if my daughters would sneak a boyfriend. I bet that they so would!) I ask a lot of questions. I am there for them for break ups. I warned that boyfriends make you cry. But my youngest is not as interested in relationships as my oldest and my oldest has been hurt before, but she's a lot less sensitive than I am and took it like a champ. My mother would tell me "no" and "because I said so" and just stick to it, but I have learned in skimming the data on child development that children don't need an explanation for your decisions until the age of twelve. After the age of twelve please don't belittle your authority by relenting to the compulsion of feeling like you need to defend your position. You are entitled to make decisons. They are not up to children or the whole world would run amuck haha. Children like shorter answers too. You loose their attention if you're wordy and have a lengthy explanation. The reasons are not a defense. Be firm and gentle.

Julie - posted on 08/08/2012

Let me start by saying you can tell her no, but they are going to do it anyway. She won't tell you about it, or feel like she can talk to you about it. She won't have him over or ask you to meet him. So I suggest skipping the "no" word and highly encouraging her to wait.

Jennifer - posted on 08/08/2012

Those kids are not my kids, but you are, so no dating until you are ready. You are under my roof and you'll do as I say. Because I said so. No - that's final...

These are all things my mother would say. And I have to agree. Sound thinking from a good mother.

11 year olds who are dating are either under poor parenting, are dating behind their parent's back or maybe a little of both. Kid's lie to sound cool. But some 11 year olds are "group dating" (bad idea) or just say that they have boyfriends (imaginary boyfriend)... you never know.

Stick to your scruples. Be a good parent and let your kid hate you.

Karen - posted on 08/07/2012

Easy - "you can't have a boyfriend at 11 because you are my child and those are our rules". Now, that's probablly not the response that you were looking for. First of all, this discussion should have started at about the age of 9 when kids begin to think about that sort of thing (aided and abetted by our society and The Disney Channel and other media (I once heard Jay Leno ask some 6 y.o. actress if they had a boyfriend)). Also, if you have an older child and you allowed that sort of thing you have backed yourself into a corner (and it shouldn't matter if they are boys are girls, btw). In addition, how nonnegotiable are other house rules? Does she think that if she nags you enough you will relent? If you are generally a "no means no" person then just say it, tell her at what age it will be allowed, and end the discussion. If you are a "no means maybe", then you will more than likely have to put up with the nagging.

Melissa - posted on 08/07/2012

I think these are guidelines that should be set before getting to said age. I am a mom of 4 kids. My 2 oldest daughters are in high school, one is a senior, the other a sophomore. We have a strict policy in our household, it is called "graduate before you date". It's funny how something like this worked for us, they sit back now and have a good chuckle at all their classmates involved in the boy/girl drama, realizing that had our house rule been different this would be them. My children are great kids, well behaved, well rounded, and they realize that they have the rest of their lives to have boyfriends/girlfriends.

Chaya - posted on 08/05/2012

You're the mom, your rules go, some are negotiable, others are not, this is not.
I coldn't stop my daughter from having a boyfriend, but I could stop her from being allowed to date. I figure I got married when I was 12, I have no room to talk, but my daughter isn't growing up in Benin, her parents are a part of her life, and she's not growing up in the same world I did. When my daughter was 12, she went on dates with her sweetheart escourted either by me or the boys mother, it did nothing to stop abuse, as much as both moms tried. Her boyfriend was physically abusive to her. He was witnessed, criminally prosecuted, and the boys mother defended my daughter.

Susen - posted on 02/23/2009

I think 11 is way to young to even think of letting girls have boyfriends... Even if its just Puppy love as they call it ! My daughter has a friend in her class at school who is never without one...It doesnt matter to her who the boy is just as long as she has someone to say she is going out with... This to me screams out attention seeking and the need to feel loved... What are this kids parents showing her !  Anyway back to the topic I really think that if they start dating at an early age like 11 then by 12 they are kissing and by the time they are teens are doing a heck of a lot more than we want to know about !!! There is a time and a place for everything in a childs life .... Let them be children ....gee at 11 I had no interest in boys ! I know times they are a changing but to be honest here, I have had many chats with my girls aged 11 and 10 on  boyfriends etc and they tell me alot of girls their age have boyfriends but its just to be popular... I have taught my girls love and respect not only for others but also for themselves.... I know the time will come for them to have a crush on a boy and want to go out with them etc and I know that same boy will crush their hearts and they will think their world is over..... I also know that when you sit a child down and explain to them honestly and openly why this is not a good thing and why they should be out enjoying all the world has to offer 9 out of 10 11 yr olds would happily skip off to play with a friend.  My answer is to just sit them down .... be honest and say its not their time now and to enjoy childhood for what it is and what it should be ALOT OF FUN !!! good luck :)

Erika - posted on 02/23/2009

We have a rule that none of our children can date until they are 16 and then it is only with our permission. My daughter is 13 and it has helped her with not having to give in to pressure she just tells people she can not date until she is 16. She does have crushes but can not go out one to one with a boy.

Debbie - posted on 02/23/2009

I personally think 11 is too young my daughter who is 16 just started being interrested in dating and we have guidelines for her we are here to protect her purity and inesense that's our job. They have plenty of time for the responsibility of a serious relationship right now they need to be focusing on school work, sports, family, and friends. So we keep things friendly. I also have a 13 yr old boy and he really likes this girl at school and again they don't "date" they are just friends and see each other mainly at school or sports games. I hope that helps kids will always says but my friends get to and then you say great for them but not in this house.

Cyndi - posted on 02/23/2009

Children need boundaries. Your daughters friends parents may have looser boundaries than you. Stick to your guns and sleep well at night knowing she won't come home pregnant. Try to talk to her reasonably though rather than dictate. She'll appreciate it when she's older.

Mandi - posted on 02/22/2009

I would rather them hang here and ne honset about it. At least here i can watch them. They are not hang out at a friends house doing god lnow what with god knows who. I can not tell you how many kids i have comeing here a day. there rules here if there are boys. like no doors are shut and there must be an adult in the room at all times.

Lynn - posted on 02/22/2009

OH YEAH I JUST SAY........NO!!!!

Lynn - posted on 02/22/2009

WHAT I TELL MY GIRLS IS ...THAT WHAT THEIR FRIENDS PARENTS ALLOW THEM TO DO... IS ENTIRELY UP 2 THEM..... HOWEVER IN THIS HOUSE!!!!   I DONT ALLOW THEM 2 DATE UNTIL THEY R READY (EMOTIONLY AND PHSYICALLY)  READY 2 HANDLE BOYS WHICH IS NEVER!! AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED!

Mandi - posted on 02/22/2009

come on think of as if you were her. ok they say i have a boyfriend were do they go. NO WHERE!!! they see each other at school. and that is about it. enless you let him come to your house. My daughter has a friend that is  a boy they were like 8 and 9 (thrid grade) at that time they said they were boyfriend and girlfriend. But. his mom and i  had become friends and they kids would hang here. or there. that phase end with them. BUT they are friends and they are like 2 pees in a pod. i also have a 13 year old and her boyfriends come here.

Razija - posted on 02/19/2009

Before you do anything, find out if there is a boy that she likes. If there is someone she likes, ask her what is her opinion on what boyfriend and girlfriend at this age should be doing or simply what is her definition of boyfriend. She may say that the boyfriend is someone you do homework with, eat your lunch at school with or play during recess at school. If she says that it is something more than that, then you should have a talk. I would advise you not to use “I don’t feel you are ready”. Don’t make it about you and what you feel. I am sure that at this age she is trying to be more independent, so give her the opportunity to think for herself. Simple ask her does she think that just because all of her friends are doing something she should do it too. (If they all jump of the top of the building, would you do it too? Always seemed to work). Peer pressure at this age is stronger than we would like to be. A lot of times we as parents would like our babies to stay babies and avoid relationship and sex talk, because we don’t think they are ready, but I am a strong believer that no age is too early for it.



Talking to the parents of your daughter’s friends might not be a bad idea.

Debbie - posted on 02/18/2009

My son is 15 and I did not allow "girlfriends" til last year and even this was hard for me.. Me personally I would reply,, well,, I am not "those" kids moms,, I am yours and I feel you are too young to have a boyfriend. Its natural and "ok" to like boys,, what your going through is normal and you dont have to not "like" boys and you can be "friends" but anything more than that I dont feel you are ready for. I dont know your situation and if or when you have had the boy/girl conversation yet but this might be a good time. Bottom line,, kids are going to do things behind our backs that we dont like or know about, but its up to us as their parents ,, the people that set examples for them to let them know what we expect of them and what we think is right. Whether they admit it or not,, kids WANT stability and guidelines. Just My opinion.. It worked for me.