how do u handle cheeky and rude 12 year olds .

Sue - posted on 04/30/2009 ( 10 moms have responded )

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my daughter is 12year old and treats me like shit and calls me names and swears at me and i carn't handle it anymore ,just split up with her father 6 months ago and she has got worse can some one help me please.

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April - posted on 08/25/2012

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At this point you would be starting a new disciplinary plan of action, so in my opinion, she deserves a firm warning with powerful information:



"Y'know I can completely understand and even feel why you're so angry. I know you probably feel like this is all my fault, and while I won't be able to change your mind, I want you to know that I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time with all those crazy emotions battling for your attention. You must feel so powerless right now, especially with what your dad and I are going through. I want you to know that no matter what happens, I will love you always, no matter what.



"However, you are a smart, (fill in the adjectives) young woman and you know that a lot of what comes out of your mouth lately is not OK. From this point forward, you may not swear around adults or get mouthy and disrespectful with me. If you forget, I will (fill in mild disciplinary reminder - no iPod for a week?). The 2nd time we'll be talking about taking away social privileges (or whatever takes most of her fun time)."



Now is the hard part: Follow through, and be consistent. It's easy to lay it out, it's easy to follow through the first couple times (often back-to-back!), but next week or next month you should STILL push yourself to follow through. Remind yourself that it's either this little bit of battle between you so she understands that disrespect is NOT EVER AN OPTION, even if she doesn't like someone, or the crap that brought you to this board.



OK, I've rambled too much, but I have a toddler and a 17-year-old with none in-between. I'm handling it at both ends! I wish you a great deal of success and a new unity with your daughter.

Jennifer - posted on 05/18/2009

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I have 6 children, ages 11-19. Middle school years are such fun, aren't they?! The kids are so mixed up with their personalities & hormones - try to remember it's just as maddening for them as it is for you. They will never tell you that and unfortunately as parents we often get the brunt of their frustrations.



I've found when my anger/frustration builds, I give us both a time out. If they really push me, this might be suggested with just as hostile tone as theirs. For example, I will tell mine that they've pushed me too far and I think we both need a break before we say things we shouldn't and make the situation worse. Then make sure you find the time quickly after tempers have cooled. This is key; you don't want her to feel like you're not listening.



As for the swearing...in my opinion...that must stop immediately. You are her parent and deserve more respect than that. This must be communicated firmly when both of you are calm. If she pulls it again, there must be a consequence. Swearing at a parent is unacceptable at any age. Again, just my opinion.



Often if I acknowledge my kid's frustrations/issues/feelings, it helps. It sounds like she needs someone to talk to. You may not be the best person considering your recent divorce. I'm sure she has feelings she needs to get out to someone neutral. Is there another family member she can confide in? A close family friend? Possibly a school counselor? Most importantly, make time to talk with her when both of you are calm. Let her say whatever she needs to say and try not to take it personally - she's hurting.



If you choose the counseling route, involve your daughter, ask her if she prefers or feels more comfortable talking with a male or female or a person older or closer to her age - like a young counselor.



We went through a divorce when my oldest ones were 12, 13 & 14. It was very hard for all of them. I wish you luck!

[deleted account]

Encourage her to have a chat with someone she knows she can confide in, maybe a teacher, friend, relative or even professional counseling. As well as the split between you and her dad being hard on you it will be especially hard on your daughter and on top of it all she is going through the puberty stage which is not an easy process for any girl. I definatley agree with Rebeccas advice and that although you will help her through her emotions she must understand that swearing at you and name calling is unacceptable, disrespectful and inappropriate behavior

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Maryamaftab - posted on 11/06/2014

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take her to clubs she likes or buy her what she really wanted for ages that what my daughter like when she was 12 it works

Julie - posted on 05/18/2009

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I have a wonderful friend with older kids (oldest just graduated from college) she swears by the book "Yes! Your teen is crazy." I ordered a copy, but haven't read it yet. She promises me that it helped her survive 2 teenage, hormone crazed boys.

Bonnie - posted on 05/18/2009

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it sounds like she is trying to get negative attention. I would try to ignore her until she can talk to you nicely and respectfully. Let her know that you will not talk to her or pay attention to her until that happens. Good luck!

Vicky - posted on 05/18/2009

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hi,

i will not have my kids swearing at me or in my house its only for adults!! Their friends don't either. i would take a deep breath and try to count to 10 before you answer her. But do ask her to speak to some one she is comfortable with aunt, uncle, best mates mum granny, etc. Perhaps getting her side of the story of why she is doing it might help to releave the situation - it will be only a phase they go through to test us moms

Joanna - posted on 05/15/2009

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there you go , how did she get on with her dad? is she blaming you for the split, is she missing her dad, time for a heart to heart with her i think

Linda - posted on 05/15/2009

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Take a deep breath...hold on tight and hang on for the ride..This too shall pass. My 13 year old is the same way. And I know it can be a nightmare! Hold your ground..choose your battles...keep talking. My 14 year old has gotten much better and she also went through that real snotty stage. We have to remember that they also go through a lot of stress changing from little kids to young adults.

Rebecca - posted on 05/01/2009

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First off, I would keep breathing in and out first...at times when you want to scream especially. Listen to her and calmly and repeatedly explain the behaviour is rude and do not respond aggressively(even though you may feel the need to). If she is getting a rise and response it is reinforcing the obnoxiousness. I also recommend asking and attempting to empathize with things that are bothering her. She is testing her boundaries and pushing. With a recent split it just dramatizes things for her. The best thing I can think of is to remain calm and try not to jump in....my daughter is 14 and has gone in and out of rude, obnoxious phases.

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