how do you get your kids used to a new man in their life?

Candace - posted on 08/23/2010 ( 14 moms have responded )

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I'm a single mom of an 11yrd old. I have a new bf we have been together for about 3 months. Every part of me says that he is the one that I will be with forever. I have never had that feeling with anyone I've dated in my past.



My daughter feels like he is trying to take me away from her. I have explained her that is not the case at all. I told her that I would spend more time with her if that is what she needs. Its summer time so she has been going lots of places hanging with friends going on vacation with the grandparents. She is trying to tell me that she still feels that he is trying to take me away. Which I don't see how she can feel that way. Because whenever I try to make plans with her for alone time she all ready has plans elsewhere.



But whenever she is punished for not doing what she is told she throws that in my face tears and all. I don't know how to fix it. I tried to explain to her that we as me my bf and her are not used to seeing each other a lot. We are trying to get used to the fact that we could become a family and that it will take time for us to work out all the kinks so that we all can be happy but that is not good enough for her.



I just don't know how to make her feel like she is not loosing me.

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Joann - posted on 09/02/2010

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I don't want to sound mean or harsh. You might have to put yur foot down and tell her we are having a family night (Cooks Night Out) it generally consist of going to a sit down restaurant (maybe your daughters choice) once a week. (school functions are the acception to the rule). It maybe a minimum of 2 hours, one night per week, just you, your daughter, and mabe your boyfriend a little later down the road. My kids look forward to cooks night out (Friday night). Sometimes after we eat out we go home and either watch a movie or tv or play video games that involve the whole family (like some WII games do)...good luck in whatever you try to do

[deleted account]

First of all... you've been with this guy for 3 months and you're talking to your daughter about the chance of this being a family. It's too early for her to hear that! If she already feels threatened by your relationship with him you need to give her time to get to know him before verbally insinuating that he's going to be a permanent part of your lives.

Second.. you're an adult and you have the right to see who you want when you want provided you do so the way that a responsible adult should.

Set time for you and your boyfriend, as well as time for you and her and follow through with it. Date nights for you and him and girls nights for you and your daughter. Then if you feel it's appropriate start planning events for all 3 of you. If you want him to be a permanent part of your lives it's important for them to build a relationship too... see how he treats her and how he handles her attitude towards him.

Take it slowly for her sake, allow her time to adjust and make sure you're acting like the parent rather than letting her make the rules for you. It's time to end that behavior now.

Lindy - posted on 09/02/2010

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Hi
hv a sit down with no distractions. Listen to your daughter. dun comment just listen n give her your full attention. your daughter feels that you are doing things together just becos she needs it. it shudn't be like this it shud be doing things together becos of bonding n you are happy doing it together. no becos of her needing it. your daughter has come to a conclusion that she has already lost you. n it is definitely difficult to turn it around mending things. but surely if your mother daughter relation has been build on a solid foundation she will come round n understand n willing to work something out with mom n bf. put yrself in her place n think like a 11 yr old. remember treasure her as no matter what happens she is going to be your daughter forever she will never go away. but bf will come n go best wishes

Kenitra - posted on 09/02/2010

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Perhaps you should not introduce a new boyfriend to your children so early into the relationship. You should wait until you know that he is your future. Your child is right, in a sense. Your boyfriend is stealing you away, and defending him over her is probably what is making her angry. Waiting to introduce your boyfriend to your child when you know this relationship will be permanent, will make her more secure that he will not "leave" her also.

[deleted account]

I agree with Tanya! Date night with just you and her! She is crying out to you and then when you take steps to her, she pushes away. (that is the way it sounds and is VERY typical)
You need to take the steps towards her and do not let her discourage you. She just wants to be reassured that you still need and want her. AND she will need reassurance constantly, until she gets it.

Tanya - posted on 08/31/2010

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You should make plans. Both of you go to the calendar and mark a day, then stick to it. She has to turn down anything else that may come up and you also. You don't have to do anything expensive. Just as long as you do something together. Make a scrapbook together. Set a day and time every week, or every other week. Once a month even as long as you both make a commitment to stick to the days that you pick. Good luck to you.

Cherie - posted on 08/31/2010

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I went through this a few years ago with my children from my first marriage. My oldest was 9 at the time, but he would tell me that I was spending too much time with Larry (now, my husband). He would throw temper tantrums and cry and scream about it. He refused to do his school work, dropping his straight A average to barely a D.

I had a talk with him about it and explained that sometimes adults do want to have other adults in their lives. I asked him if he minded my other friends that we spent time with (girlfriends) and he said 'no'. He just felt like Larry was taking time away from him. When we decided to move in together, Larry - already in love with both of my boys - took him everywhere. They spent a lot of time together and really got to know each other.

In my son's eyes, Larry was trying to take the place of his absent father. When Larry explained that was not the case, he just wanted to be his friend, someone he could talk to and hang out with, my son opened up to him.

We're married now and have a daughter - whom my oldest is completely in love with - and all of my men are working together in the house. They have their moments where I can see my oldest wanting to throw the "You're not my father" line at him, but 99% of the time, they get along famously. It's just a matter of finding a way for her to be comfortable with him. They need to find some common ground. Find something she likes to do and include him in the plans. Tell him to take the lead in the adventure and see if she warms to him that way.

Elana - posted on 08/31/2010

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im in the same vote.... bt i try to make a family thin with me and my kids and my new man take them were u think that they all enjoy together and gt to know each other better and explain that with all u guys togther

Amanda - posted on 08/31/2010

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I got with my husband when my oldest was 7, we just made time to do things together. I also set time aside for just me and my son. It will take time and even after she accepts it she may still throw it in your face, you will just have to explain to her that not everything is about her and that your happiness counts also. Just let her know that you love her and give her the chance to get to know your boyfriend. It took time, but my husband and I have been married for 6 years now, my oldest is 14 and we have two children together. It takes time, but just be patient, it will all work out in the end.

Candace - posted on 08/25/2010

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good to know Krystal. My bf recently did the same thing with my daughter and he and she seem to be on better terms now.

Candace - posted on 08/25/2010

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i have all ready had the conversation with her letting her know that she is my number one. i even offered to make more time with her if she felt that is what she needed. Every time I try to spend time with her she all ready has plans.

Krystal - posted on 08/24/2010

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I was a single mom of two girls when I met my fiance and it was not easy to get my girls wrapped around the idea that someone else was going to be in the picture. I started slow with him by having him meet me without my girls when I did introduce them to him they did just like your daughter did. They tried to say that he was going to take all my time away from them. I talked with both girls and explained that was not the deal he wanted to be in all of our lives. I talked with him and explained that the girls were unsure about him. He decided to take them out on a date just the three of them and when they came back my girls were totally different, they were glad that I had chosen him and now they call him daddy and have no problems. That was three years ago and the girls could't imagine not having him in their lives.

Maria - posted on 08/23/2010

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First of all, you are the adult here..
I was also dating my now ex, my daughter was also 11 yrs, we were together for 4 months before i intruduced him to her, she got happy for me at the beginning but then she changed, every time that i would get ready to go out with him, she would say to me that i would preferred him over her, sometimes i would take her with us, but she would try to ruin the night, I guess one time I got so frustated that i just started crying, I felt lost, I didnt know what to do, So i broke the relationship with him, for me my daughter was first over everything, He tried everything so i can talk to me, he would go over, call my cell, home phone, until one day my daughter told me " Mommy talk to him" i just told her no honey,, she said if you dont I will, so she did. until today i really dont know what they talk about, we got marry 3 months after that and everything worked out fine,,. I guess you need to talk to her and let her know that she will always have you that noone will take you away from her, remember she is you own skin, blood.. she will always be first no matter what.

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