How do you handle the relationship between our son and your boyfriend?

Rachell - posted on 09/05/2012 ( 1 mom has responded )

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I have a 24 year old unemployed son that live with me. His wife was living here as well until there was a altercation where she was very disrespectful and defiant. To be brief she sent a friend of my son's upstairs to my bedroom where we were with the door closed. I was not sure who was at the door, but it was disrespectful to even come up to the room to begin with. A little while afterwards my boyfriend and I come downstairs, so my bf ask why did the guy come up there and who sent him? My daughter in law immediately belts out I did and thought it was no harm. She has issues with authority and respecting adults. One thing led to another and my son jumps in to defend his wife and upon doing so several names were called (profanity, derogatory things). My son called my bf a "trick." This really upset him. Before the night was over my son became very emotional after feeling bad about what happened and he apologized to my bf and said it would not happen again. It has been 6months and never occured again. The upset is my bf out the blue gets angry and says ugly things to belittle and degrade my son. He calls him lazy, need to grow up and so many things he should not say. He mentions his childhood and what his mother did not allow. I understand his dilema being in the system and not having a childhood he may have wished he had. I love my son and understand what he is going through. He recently completed courses to receive his diploma after not settling for a GED. He is trying to get his life in order. Especially now facing divorce at a young age. My bf only mentions his life and how he was raised and hold this over my head saying that's why we will not go forward because he refuse to take care of a grown healthy a** man that should be working to help his mom instead of going outside playing with the kids in the neighborhood. I love my bf and he has been there for me, but I can't tolerate the hostility he has towards my son. The sad thing my son has moved on with his life and hold no grudge,anger, resentment, or anything negative towards him. My son does not even know the things he say and feel. He has kids also that's young but need some structure... a lot and guidance in their life. I have been a mother to them as well. It's been a year and two months we've been dating. He will not let go the incident and become so bitter it show in his eyes and voice. Should I cut the ties and let him go and move on? What should I do? He said my son is not a kid after I mention how all parents have some sort of gray area with their kids. He yells he is not a kid but a grown man. I tell him regardless of age he is still my child. I am his mother, but he fail to understand. Do you think it is a bitterness he has against my son because I am a true loving nurturing and real mother to my sons? I cannot help what happened in his life as a child. He say my son need to get over the fact his father and I divorced, but what is wrong with him. Someone please give me some clarity on this situation and some answers and advice. PLEASE!!! THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

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Vicki - posted on 09/08/2012

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Im not quite sure what to say here. It must be tuff for you thinking you have to choose between your boyfriend and adult son. It sounds like because your boyfriend didnt have certain things growing up its making it hard for him to understand where your coming from. One thing is forsure though is your son maybe your son but he isnt a child! Have you sat down with your boyfriend and asked him what he thinks you should do? There has to be some kind of comprimise that everyone can live with cause at the moment it sounds like you are gonnea do whatever you feel is right regardless of how he feels due to your thinking that its my child! Your boyfriend does live in he home as well. I know you love your son and want to help him but your help is causing someone else you love problems

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