how to deal with the sassiness o fmy 12 year old daughter

Mandy - posted on 11/21/2012

It's so nice to read all these stories that i can relate to. I have no idea what to do anymore with my daughter. Just yesterday she told me that i was the worst mother in the world and that she wants to go live with her gramma, (my ex's mother) who is only around whenever she feels like it..to buy her something or to get the inside scoop of what's going on..last month she told my daughter that she could move in with her but then she'll be taking me to court for full custody and child support! In 10 years her son has never given me a cent to help raise our daughter. It's crazy. Anyhoo, our arguements are mainly about homework and keeping her grades up. She gets annoyed when i ask her about school or try to help her with homework. She's only nice when she wants something and if she doesn't get her way then move outa the way! She has no respect for me me, doesnt appreciate anything i do for her, lies to me about her school work. I try to give her consequences, but she doesnt care. I turn off the internet and she'll turn it back on. I ground her from the xbox, from hanging out with her friends. My husband, who's been around since she was 2, seems to be able to get through to her without her blowing up but he works a lot, so it's usually me who has to deal with her drama. We also have a 14 month old and another one due in 3 months. She's awesome with her sister and is excited for the new baby..She just seems to hate me..its pretty bad when i dread her coming home from school. So I'm gonna try some of the ideas that were posted here..we'll see how it goes..

Sarena - posted on 10/12/2012

WOOOOOW!!! I am surely glad that I am not the only one because for a while i thought it was something that I was doing wrong.My daughter is 12 and a half, I was told that 12 & 13 yr old girls are going through that stage with their hormones. But I truly agree with Juliette Foster, Heidi & Teresa and that is what I'm gonna try doing.First take away what she loves the most, stick with the punishment, be mindful of who her friends are, also what she is watching on television & listening to on the radio. Then I'll start by spending more time with her one on one, listening more to all her issues and try doing more constructive excercises with her. Ill post later to let you guys know if it works...wish you guys good luck and same to me :-)

Icey - posted on 10/03/2011

im a step mom ,,think about it how hard for me ,,when she become 12 she really change big time ,so sassie ,always hang out with friends outside the house ,she suppose to be home at 6pm but she usually late & a lots of excause ,im tired of it i knoe she had a bf but we just ignore it ,,i dont know its sooo hard fighting everyday his dad is not in the house everyday his homeweekly ,,he know what her kid doing his not happy about it,,sometimes i just want to stay in my room& just let things happen im so stress with her...:(

Icey - posted on 10/03/2011

im a step mom ,,think about it how hard for me ,,when she become 12 she really change big time ,so sassie ,always hang out with friends outside the house ,she suppose to be home at 6pm but she usually late & a lots of excause ,im tired of it i knoe she had a bf but we just ignore it ,,i dont know its sooo hard fighting everyday his dad is not in the house everyday his homeweekly ,,he know what her kid doing his not happy about it,,sometimes i just want to stay in my room& just let things happen im so stress with her...:(

TLisa - posted on 06/09/2011

My 12 yr old dau does this same thing.....personally, I think they all do it! What has worked for me is when she starts being loud or talking in a nasty tone my response will be "I'm sorry, you cant possibly be talking to me like that" and most times, she will stop and think about what she is saying and/or how she is saying it. Also, my dau is a VERY social person. She has tons of friends and her cell phone rings more than mine sometimes. So, I'll take her phone and she wont be allowed to have company or go anywhere with her friends. One time her mouth was so bad, I took her phone for 4 1/2 weeks and she was SUPER disturbed. Her life was just so "miserable"...LOL...it was so bad that when I would visit her school, her friends would ask me when she would be able to get her phone back. After that incident, I really havent had many issues with her mouth because now she understands that I am completely serious about taking things from her. I have no problem with it because my friends can call me and visit me. We have an understanding now. Its tough and each child is different, so you have to keep trying things until you find something that works for your family.....good luck!!

Kutia - posted on 06/07/2011

ok, you have to separate feeling guilty and being a parent, Some parents think that its their fault, their not being a good parent when these tweens start acting out, But one thing you have to remember You were once a 12yr old girl. your body is changing, the attitude is changing, the things that they're interested in is changing and once they get their menstral (pms ) is something that they dont understand. My daughter is 12 and her attitude started changing around 10 1/2 but a week before her Menstral came on for the 1st time she was acting out really bad and went Crazy. once she got her menstral I realized what it was. You have to check them at this age before it gets out of control. While you are giving them a little freedom remind them that you can also take it away. dont let her overpower you. Punishment is the best solution. My 12yr old is bigger than me but she know's who's the mother. they shey try you, But check them right then and there. they should have a fear of you. What these tween girls dont understand is you are trying to protect them from bad things that happen. My daughter wants to walk the neighborhood with ther friends, but I dont allow it. I need to know where she is at all times. If she want to go to the playground fine, but Dont go anywhere else without asking. anything can happen.

Sheila - posted on 05/14/2011

Thank the Lord i'm not the only one its happening too!

Janeen - posted on 05/09/2011

I have noticed the more I treat my daughter with respect and started to relinquish some, I say some control giving her more choices in decision making....I get more respect in return. Don't just tell her to do something. Give her the reason behind it, almost like you are talking to a friend or an ally. For example...my son is going through some issues at school and can be a bear to deal with at home because of it. It causes a lot of strife between all members of the family including his sister who is 12. He is 10. So, when he was out of the room, I simply asked her..."Hey, I wanted to talk to you about something..I really need your help..your brother is going through something really difficult ...etc...so try and give him some space okay?" This helps her to feel important, a bigger part of the family, and helps prevents arguments too.

Renee - posted on 01/25/2010

I have come done really hard on my daughter she is 12 too... She has learned when I am done I am done.... When I lose my temper she has to do dishes, clean house, stay in her room and anything else I can think of till I calm down... she hates doing those things so when I give her the look she shuts up.....

Annmarie - posted on 01/24/2010

Ah ! the stage of testing the water. Be strong and determined not to allow her this liberty cause it will only get worse. You are the mom demand respect! Ask her when she is in one of those "moods" how exactly she thinks this behaviour is going to get her what she wants this or anyother time (cause mom's have llllooooonnnngggg memories) Then set a punishment for her actions and FOLLOW THROUGH with the punshiment. The following through is the most important part (and the most exhausting). When she starts to rebut the punishment reminder her in a calm, clear matter of fact-voice that you warned her not to speak that way and she made a choice to do so. Now she must pay the price for her choice. Then as they get older they will remember that this disrespect did not get them anywhere and it will stop. This method worked for me. Not to say that my now 15 yr. old does not "slip" sometimes but now a simple reminder or a look of dissappointment jarrs her memory. These "slips" are very far and few between, and I can tell that she respects me and I tell her that I respect her but that while she is learning and growing into an adult she needs to obey my requests for the reasons we have discussed prior. And she gets it. Good Luck!

Monica - posted on 01/24/2010

Be sassier than her, and let her know who is boss. you are the ceo of the household not her!

Lisa - posted on 01/24/2010

I know the same thing is going on in our house, we have a 13 year old and yes she is a smart girl so she challenges us all the time and half the time she is right she is anilitigal, she points out that what we said and what we do is too different things.we tried to do the same thing as you did, and every time we try to ground her we don,t follow throu with it. but then she finally does what she is told. THANK YOU LISA.

Amanda - posted on 01/24/2010

My son must have started this phase early. He is only 10, but wow these posts sound like him this year. I have taken away his privledges (I-Pod, playstation, tv) without a lasting effect. (maybe 1 day) He is very smart and finds something else to enjoy. I have done the counting method, hopefully it works for some, it just did not for me. He loves to push our buttons. If this is a phase, I hope it passes quickly.

Denise - posted on 01/23/2010

God I wish I could help because I to am dealing with a bratty 13 year old that is better than the world!

Chandra - posted on 01/23/2010

Ok - Im not sure how to answer this - my daughters are 12 and almost 14 and I have had some really bad days - even to the point that my oldest tried to walk out.



Most of the time i dont get the sassiness - cos I have got to the point where I started to laugh in their faces and then explain that im not a friend on the school playground - they want me to listen then im their mum not a piece of crap that they stood in.

My partner works shifts so now either one day at a weekend or evening I try and sit down and have a girlie night. I have found that my not bringing it up every 5 minutes and just ignoring some laughing at some and reminding them where they are and now its not all that bad.



Not sure if it works every case is different but it might help you.

Raquel - posted on 01/23/2010

Well we've all been warned and now it's here the dreaded teen (or in this case pre-teen) years. My daughter is also 12 1/2 and yes it is beginning in our house too! It's a tough time and absolutely trying to say the least. But, we need to remind ourselves how difficult those years were for us. The hormones the awkwardness of our changing bodies, the pressure. We hear our girls tell us what we told our mothers not long ago "you just don't understand". I hate to say it but we don't! Every generation has it's differences the 60's were not the 50's the 80's not the 70's and so on. We "all" try to to keep up with the latest trends of what's what but tend to turn into our mothers along the way. Fortunately the basics don't change and that is what we need to focus on. Respect, manners, consequence, responsibility and communication. I'm not a doctor or therapist just an observer. The one trap is trying to be your daughter's "friend". I personally have told my daughter that I hope she thinks of me as her friend but first and foremost I'm mom. I have found myself reminding her (too often) that if she wants my respect then she needs to also respect me. I offer honesty in what I expect and what will happen if it doesn't happen. I also show humility by apologising and admitting I was wrong or out of line . I think it's important to let our daughters know we're not perfect people and sometimes we are going to make mistakes but our life experiences are what makes us set the rules we do and want them to be better people. I have said all of this and more to my daughters and for the most part we have done alright. There has been no friends or no computer, cell etc but there were also warnings. We have gone so far as to have a written contract , a basic note of the rules and the consequences that we both signed which was very effective. It made her hold herself accountable, no one to blame but herself.

Anyway, hope my thoughts and ramblings helped. And to all us mothers out there...GOD BLESS and GOOD LUCK!!

Shelley - posted on 01/22/2010

I agree its all about who has the stronger will. My 12 yr old is as big as I am and she thinks tries my will to see what she can get away with, we have had moments where, she said, I will just go live with my Dad. I said ok fine but you will live my house the way you came in it. NAKED and not taking anything with you. that stopped that behavior real quick. Talking really does help. This a a strange age and I believe it gets worse before it gets better but love and understanding goes a long way.

Toka - posted on 01/22/2010

My daughter is 14 now but she became very sassy around 12. We suffered through for a long time. I tried taking privileges away (cell phone, hanging out with friends), I tried rewards (telephone time, video game time or computer time) NOTHING WORKED! I thought about how football coaches get their teams to straighten up and I decided I would try that approach. I explained that if she continued to talk back she would get 1 warning and then the consequence. For the warning I would say do you need to do 10 push-ups (or sit-ups)? If the behavior continued, she would do the punishment. After the punishment she would have to apologize and if she was still sarcastic I would add more. If she refused to do the punishment, I would add more. She knew she would have to do them so eventually she would. It was hard - a test of wills but I never gave in. It only took a few times and we had a break through! She did several sets of push-ups and sit-ups and started to cry instead of talk back. I sat her down beside me and hugged her, I explained that it was not ok for her to speak to us the way she had been and that it would no longer be tolerated. I told her I love her and she cried on my shoulder for a few minutes - I think she needed me to break down the wall she was trying to put up between us. We have a stronger relationship and can talk, really talk now. Sometimes she does need a reminder (especially when her hormones rage around her time of the month) but nothing like before. This may not work for everyone but it did for us.

Lisa - posted on 01/22/2010

the eye rolling gets me...

Andrea - posted on 01/22/2010

Hi There I would just like to say that perhaps have a look at your daughters diet>i know from myself that when I am PMS and my hormones are raging all over the place we defenitley need some boost.Try to reduce sugar, colourants etc during the week and up her omega levels - (lots of almonds )etc I find that to be very calming on the personality overall.

Krista - posted on 01/21/2010

Do not argue back with her. Just walk away when she is speaking disrespectfully and she will see she will get nowhere with you that way. She needs to learn that you will be ready to listen and have a meaningful conversation when she is ready to talk to you the way you deserve. She will respect you for that.

Natasha - posted on 01/21/2010

Well is seems that it is pretty common for all of us moms with this age group of girls! I agree with the moms that suggest taking items that are really important to your daughter away. My daughter has very few things that I can take away as she doesn't get much time to watch tv or play with her friends outside except on weekends and she doesn't have a phone so we have to get creative sometimes in what we can take away from her if anything. There does come a point in time were taking items away seems to have little effect on them and yelling or getting emotional will only aid in their behavior as they will see that whatever they are doing is upsetting or at the least bothing you and at this age they are testing their limits. But remember that it isn't always just about testing their limits, especially for girls at this age. They are also trying to figure out who they are as well as deal with the changes physically and mentally that they are going through which can lead to confusion and frusteration for them and for us as well. I have to remember this quite often with my daughter as well. Most times once we get to the bottom of why she is acting the way she is, it ends up being about something other than just hating me at the moment. Whether is was a bad day at school for whatever reason, or feeling self conscious and feeling awkard and out of place...I find that girls being "emotional" beings that we are (and I don't mean that in a bad way) tend to act out aginst those they feel comfortable with when they have alot on their mind. Try getting to the root of the problem, you might be surprised and how something so small can seem so big in her world and she might realize that you can help her which may make her have a bit more respect, however that doesn;t mean the sassiness will go away anytime soon, its just part of that age group..Good Luck

Markenna - posted on 01/21/2010

In most countries, kids began to go through rights of passages to mark them as adult around this age. My daughter is 10 and she is getting more and more mouthy by the day. I am worried about what my teenage years will look like. I am not sure what the answer is but I will definately use some of your responses.

Maybe we should come up with distinctive rights of passages for our girls that occur on thier birthdays, some privilege that they can exersize this year that they couldn't do before.

Juliette - posted on 01/21/2010

I Have a 11yr old son , who talks back and likes to make smart remarks about me and my Fiance behind our backs, I just make him go sit in his room , until he can be nice to everyone & sometimes take his tv and ds privliages away for a week or longer ...It doesnt always work , but at least he understands,,, alot has to do with what kids watch on tv and who thier friends are.

Lisa - posted on 01/21/2010

And don't forget the boys!!! Back in December my son turned 12 and i posted to my friends that he seemed " to change overnight!" He actually got real sassy the weekend of his birthday! He constantly talks back, say's "No, i'm not doing it" and does the eye roll thing. it's very hard trying to deal with it. And i'm a screamer, so i have a hard time defusing the situation. But, during the calm times i look at him and try to realize that this is going to be just a faze he will pass through. I look at him and see the physical changes that are already occuring and I get excited to think about the next step in his life.....girls, dating, dances....and hopefully keep seeing ahead to the fun stuff.

Robyn - posted on 01/21/2010

Personally, I think it just comes with the territory. My son is also 12 and quickly going on 13. He's been pretty sassy sometimes too, but I've let him know plainly and quickly when he is being sassy and that I don't appreciate it. I then remind him that I'm willing to listen to his opinions and talk about what concerns him. If it's about something he doesn't want to do, I remind him that I've done a lot of things for him over the years and now that he's getting older and more responsible, it's his turn to help so he can learn to be more independent and grown up the way he wants to be. I know that's what he's yearning for, and need to work on letting him grow up too. I remember what it was like to be that age and don't want to frustrate him like my mom did me. Listening and talking things out (not lecturing one-sidedly) is important.

Jacquie - posted on 01/20/2010

http://www.chapters.indigo.ca/books/Days...

Vicky - posted on 01/20/2010

I have a twelve year old daughter who also is sassy and does not care.She is usually an all A student and starting in January she seems to have gone down hill.I try to be her friend ,mom but it still does not work. Like the rest of you I've tried everything taking phone ,computer, even visits away nothing works. Today her best friends mom said she could not come over because my daughter didn't go to school. I have tried everything, sometimes I feel like I caused this and really don't know how to fix it. I also am opened to suggestions.Exspecially when it comes to her not wanting to go to school....

Anita - posted on 01/20/2010

i so agree with you Beth

Beth - posted on 01/20/2010

My daughter too is 12 and at times her mouth gets before her brain. I have found that by talking to her as the 12 year old girl that she is instead of yelling helps out more than anything. I have found out that many times the sassyness is because of a bad day at school, bus, etc... Other times I've talked to her in the same way and tone that she has given me, then asked her if it felt good to have someone talk to you that way. At this age they need love and affection from us as parents more-so than at other times in their lives, they are changing and growing so fast. I also have to take myself back to when I was that age and how I felt about situations.

Kelley - posted on 01/20/2010

For my 12 years old girl... what I would do is take away her phone. Yep, I just ignore her sassy till she stops.. then we talk about it..She gets her phone back.. the cycle will just go on and on.. that is all i can offer for now.. Those age is where girls are learning their own limitation with parents and at same time, they think they are grown up too. Just put up till they are in adults.. LOL so sorry!

Christine - posted on 01/19/2010

my daughter is also 12 however nothing helps i've tried shouting, being calm but she just doesnt listen i'm at my wits end and am out of ideas i sympathise with everyone on here

Anita - posted on 01/19/2010

i agree with Rachel, my daughter has just started senior school (Sept 09) and totally changed, so mouthy and angry with me when something in her life goes wrong and when it is so totally obvious it is her fault! But spending time together seems to work (for a while, until the next blow-up!) We all lead busy lifes and we forget that even though they are growing up they still need to spend time with us doing whatever - it's so important - before we know it they will fly the nest.

Rachel - posted on 01/19/2010

I too understand where you are coming from. I have tried this and it does help but it will not fix the problem. My daughter and I sit down and TALK, We just talk and NOT about what she is doing wrong. Sometimes when we have our talks there is days where she is not mouthy or disrespectful. The talks are done in a nonthreatening way for her.... such as walks playing a board game, anything that sparks her into spending time with me and opening up. Let me warn you it did not happen overnight, it took a long time for her open up and now we can talk about anything. She still has her days where like all children, they want things their way, but for the most part it is working out great. Wish you all the luck with you daughter.

Heidi - posted on 01/18/2010

My daughter just turned 12. She is mouthy, stomps feets, rolls eyes and the whole nine yards. No, slapping the face doesn't work at all. So now I ask her questions like: "Hey, do you want to be treated like that?" "Would like me to throw a big fit and roll my eyes too?" This usually works: "I was going to take you to such and such a place, but forget it now." I do teach her that manners mater and I'm not going to be seen with a rude, snoty, mouthy little girl. There are many times where she doesn't get to eat out with the rest of the family or do something cool. She is slowly learning this. She knows she can't act like that at school, college or even later on. I just wish I knew why she does it.

Patty - posted on 01/18/2010

I have the same problem! She just turned 13 and many times I wanted to slap her face!! LOL Not sure if there is an answer...I think we all did this at this age but if anyone has good tips please forward!!

Teresa - posted on 01/18/2010

I have been dealing with this for almost a year, my daughter will be 13 in 2 months, it has been a very tough year on our relationship. She is trying to be this adult who knows everything, but is wrong all the time, she seems mad at me and talks in a tone that makes want to "freak out". I have read some books on this and I have been trying this...when she talks in a rude tone, dont answer. when you ask her to do something, (turn the light off in her room) make her come and do it, dont do it for her. act like her personal life with her friends is not of interest, but the rule must be I read any text messages before htey are deleted or I take the phone, same with emails and face book accounts. Listen when she wants to talk, and ask specific questions about her. These have helped but most has been, not inviteing her to go with me place, shopping, movies, dinner etc when she asks me why I reply " I have raised you to be smart and have always told you to surround yourself with people who are good to you, respect you and make you happy, that is a rule I live by also and you dont seem to want to be nice when we are together so I assumed you didnt want to do the "fun" stuff with me anymore, if you change your mind let me know by showing me" that really did it. Goodluck!

Kenitra - posted on 01/18/2010

I use the "counting" method, and NOT like "1, 2, 3....now go to your room!" Explain it to your kids first, so they understand what is going on, and what their consequences are. Remember, the punishment should fit the crime (ie: don't take away their bike if, for say, they go to bed late; instead, they should go to bed a half hour earlier).

With the counting method, calmly say "that's one", or hold up one finger. Do not get emotional. If they "talk back" to you, or give you any grief, tell them "that's two", or hold up two fingers. If you have to go all the way to three, then they should suffer the consequences. Make the punishment fit the crime. To make this work, do not get emotional, do not yell, only "count" them for inappropriate responses. I rarely get past two.

My kids are at the age when they are easily embarrassed in public. "Counting" on your fingers does not embarrass them, and no one knows what you are doing, unless your child is the one that makes it public.

Glory - posted on 01/18/2010

Wow ..you should join my community!!!is about when is spanking enough? Anyway, at 12 years old slaping her is not a good idea...try talking to her, and let her know that you will take her previleges away>>!!!try taking the one thing whe loves the most....stick to it!!! don't give in...my daughter is very sweet but the other day she talked back to her father....he wanted to really give it to her, but he also realizes that she is a girl..so NO computer for a week...she is going crazy and tries to get around him by coming to me..lol no way Jose....but between me and you our girls are going through some changes, their hormones are going crazy!

Candy - posted on 01/18/2010

Sorry i do not offer you any advice, just let you know you are not alone..I have twin 12 year old daughter and when they turned 12 the sassiness and smart remarks started, one is worse then the other...some days you just dont know if your going to make it...we have tried the one on one time doing something fun and it does help for a few days but then it comes right back.. Everyone tells me its a phase and it will pass , I hope they are right and it passes quickly! Sorry I wasnt any help but please if you find something that works please let me know.

Heidi - posted on 01/17/2010

I have this same problem with my 11 year old. So far I can't find any discipline method that works. She just punishes herself harder and turns it on me. My husband is very good about catching her on it. Better than me, bu what seems to work best is spending fun quality time with her: reading a book with her, watching a movie together, beading together, playing insturments together, going shopping together, etc. After that I usually get a break from the sassiness, and I try to do something else with her before it starts up again.

Jessica - posted on 01/17/2010

I also have a 12 yr old girl that doesn't know when to stop. So I will b interested in seeing what other suggest. Her father and I are at our wit's end and don't know what to do..

Beth - posted on 01/17/2010

Can I ask is Dad around to support you