How to handle complaints on my son

Srishti - posted on 07/07/2012 ( 5 moms have responded )

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My son is 13 yrs of age. I get complaints from my his school for no mistakes from his part. Repeated notifications from school makes me wild on him and makes me not to trust him. He justifies himself and its hard for me to support him as i hear a version from the school and another different version from my son. I tried even changing the school. But i get the same kind of complaints every now and then. When i hear his version from home, I believe him. But when i speak to the teacher, i totally feel how could one boy be pointed by so many people and he still says that he has done nothing. I'm really confused and not able to decide.
Even my neighbors come with complaints like he broke the vase, he tore the magazines, he was clumsy etc etc.. And when i ask him, "yes i took the vase, saw it and kept it there and came. I didn't brake it mom.."... I really don't know if i can believe him or not.. he is my son... if i don't believe his innocence then who will?
But I'm confused on how to handle these kind of things and teach my son to be away from all such complaints. Please can anyone help me.

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Roxanna - posted on 07/21/2012

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You get notifications from school about behavior and you have changed schools on him 3 times and you are getting the same response. he tells you one story and the teachers adn adults tell you a different story. Either he is not clear about the difference between right and wrong, or everyone is conspiring against your son.
The bottom line is this: You are enabling your son by NOT listening to the teachers and the nieghbors. Therapy, medication and behavior therapy, not just for him, but for you.
I never tolerated lies from my kids. If they were caught in a lie, it was an immediate slap in the mouth. My oldest was accused by her stepmother of hitting her nephew in her care. When it was brought to my attention, I asked her, my daughter, what happenned and she told me why she retaliated the way she did. The little boy would go to her room a grab her undies and shove them in her face. My girl would never hurt another person unless pushed. Did I punish her for hitting the yunger child? Yes. Did I talk to my ex husband about the other childs behavior and his wife enabling of the nephew? You betcha I did! This opened a dialogue between us, and last I heard, the child was in therapy.
My youngest lies all the time and her paternal grandmother believes everything that comes from her mouth is gold. I call it bull.
I know my kids and what they are capable of doing. Because I see them for whatt hey are.
Open your eyes and help yoursdelf and your child.
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Patricia - posted on 07/11/2012

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It is our job to defend our children, however there is an old saying everyone can't tell the same lie. If your son is 13 you should have a general idea of his behavior Now once information is written down about him at school it follows him wherever he goes and he's labeled a problem child or troublemaker. I do not know if you can however do spot checks at his school. This builds a relationship with the teachers and lets him know hmm mom may pop up I can't afford for her to see me doing inappropriate things.

Also if you have a Christian base get scriptures and teach him one weekly, monthly whichever your schedule allows. The goal is to build him up not tear him down.

Minnie - posted on 07/10/2012

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Well, I will tell you, I was in the same position with my 10 yr old the last two years. it was ALWAYS the teachers fault, the school's fault, the other kids fault. See, the problem we have as mothers, is that we don't know our children from outside our homes. We believe them and we pray that we're doing a good job, and everyone else is at fault. I moved him schools 3 times!
Having said that... my mom always told me "if it sounds like water, it's because the river is near" which means: if there's SO MANY complaints, it's because there is something wrong. People aren't going to take the time to complain, if there's no base for their complaints. Especially if they're coming from VARIOUS places, and you've switched schools, and you've addressed your neighbors and talked to the teachers, etc.
Next step: Admit there's a problem. The counselor told me, the more in denial I was, the more that the problem would continue. So start there, admit that your son has a behavioral problem and seek help. I talked to school counselors and even a psychologist and behavioral specialist. There's a lot of free programs via your county or your city, and they will be more than happy to help. NEVER be afraid to ask for help. That's the biggest mistake we as mom's make, is being afraid to admit, we've lost control of our kids. We're not super heroes, and we shouldn't act like so. I had that problem and it's hard, but it's the first step to getting your son help, and getting him back on track so he becomes SOMEBODY!
Fix the problem: once you have the tools, seek the help, teach your son accountability. (for example, my 10 yr old decided NOT to do his homework and it was the teachers fault because she didn't tell him, my fix? Do the homework, read 30 minutes, write a report on what you read, and an apology letter to your teacher for not doing your homework. I told him it is his responsibility to ask, even if the teacher is busy with other students, there's 30 of them and one of her. So he had to remind her. Learning is a two way street, students need accountability too.) another great example, he threw trash in my neighbors yard... I had him clean up the neighbors yard, FOR FREE no allowance, and then had him clean OUR yard, so he knows not to throw trash because it's difficult to clean. He left dirty laundry in the bathroom and didn't pick up after himself? Make him do his own laundry. IF YOU DON'T TEACH HIM, society will, and he'll end up like MY brother, locked up for 10-15 yrs. Accountability is the best way to help him. Make sure you help yourself as well. :) Good luck I hope this helped. Never hesitate to ask me I've been in your boat, and I've gotten the "you're not supermom?" judging looks, don't let that get to you, look for help. best of luck to you and your son.- Minnie

Cherish - posted on 07/10/2012

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Are you in the US?
Has his Dr diagnosed him with anything?
If he has not been diagnosed with anything,and he has a pattern of behaviors I would think that there is a reason for them....
Is he on a IEP?If not when school starts I would send them a request for services evaluation...They can tell you if there is a reason for the behaviors,and if there is,than you can figure out the best way to address the issue.

Here is a sample letter to school requesting evaluation for services/testing

http://www.educationlawadvocates.com/For...

I understand you feel like you have to believe your son,and even if his story is different than everyone else's,it does not necessarily mean he is lying,it could be that the way he saw the situation and the way they saw the situation is different.

And if he truly does not understand what he is doing "wrong" there may a be a reason for it,but until you know the reason for the behaviors you can not help him "fix" the problem.

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