I'm getting a divorce should I get my children counciling?

Carlene - posted on 03/02/2009 ( 11 moms have responded )

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He cheated multiple times. My daughters don't like him sometimes. Is this normal or should I seek help.

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Simone - posted on 03/03/2009

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Hi, I'm sorry for the situation you are finding yourself in. Especially with children. Definitely you need to get them counselling but also, you need councelling yourself so that you can be strong for your girls. It will be terribly hard on all of you but especially you as a mom need to be extra strong to deal with everything your girls will be throwing your way. I've been there with one baby girl (my ex never saw her again) and have since remarried which is also hard. She's now 13 and everything is my fault. We have to be strong as moms. Good luck.

Lianne - posted on 03/03/2009

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counselling is very helpful for kids when you get divorced.  When I went through my divorce, my oldest who was 3-1/2 at the time, did not like that his dad wasn't coming home every night.  He got quite angry and sometimes out of control with his anger.  I took him to a counselling group called "Children of Divorce".  They take kids of the same age group and put them in one room, they have different age groups too, and each parent goes into a seperate room with other parents.  They seperate the parents to keep the anger levels down, and of course some people have abuse issues as well so it is not good to have them together. In my case, I was the only parent attending.   At any rate, the kids play and do stuff like kids do, and a counsellor will start by asking a question, and kids will join in on answers and it really helps to get them to open up. At the end of the program, they had what they called a "talkshow".  The kids were all together up on a stage and were hosting this talkshow.  The parents were in the audience and all the counsellors sat with the appropriate groups.  This was a chance for kids to ask questions that they wanted answers to.  Anybody can answer the question.  My son shocked me.  He was 3-1/2 years old.  His question was "If mommy and daddy are getting divorced because they fight all the time, then why are they still fighting?"  I was totally stunned to hear that come out of his mouth.  He just seemed so young to think that way.  I answered it though.  I explained that although parents sometimes feel divorce is the best answer for their situation, and they are always angry with each other and fighting and stuff, they can't just stop loving each other.   He was a changed kid after that program.  I have recommended this program to many people I know going through divorce with kids.  the hardest part for kids is not getting answers, they try to fill in the blanks on their own, they are afraid to ask questions, we don't want to tell them everything so we say things like "we just fight all the time, and nobody is happy this way".  In counselling I learned that divorce has the same emotional effects on a person as death does.  You really are losing somebody - even if you made the choice.  It's a death in this chapter of your life.  Kids need support with that, and often they will not let you know they need it because they know you are hurting and upset and angry and they don't want that for you.  They have a huge sense of insecurity, especially in the relationship of the parent that left.  I highly recommend counselling for your kids.  Hope this helps you. 

Jennifer - posted on 03/03/2009

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Hi Carlene,



I would say yes.  I am divorced and wanted to get counciling for my boys, but the dad said no!  He is a very controlling and the boys are scared to death of him. So they said they didn't need it.  I am in the process of trying to get it court ordered, so he does not have choice.  I wish you luck.



Jennifer

Melody - posted on 03/03/2009

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My boyfriend went through the same situation with his kids mother as you are going through.. He put his kids into therapy for children of divorced parents and it has helped them alot.  We have been living together now for just over a year and I notice a big change in them since their councelling. It wouldn't hurt to try get them some help, even if it is through their school.

Denise - posted on 03/02/2009

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I think all of you should seek counselling for your own sakes.  The children will have issues arise that you may not be able to help them through, you will have issues arise that no one else can help you through and it could also be good to later do it as a group.  You and your girls.  Getting help as soon as possible will teach them how to properly deal with their emotions and be able to grow strong and hopefully find and sustain healthy relationships for the rest of their lives.

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Quoting Mel:



Yes, they should have counseling. Even if nothing seems wrong right now, it's a good idea to let them know there is someone safe to talk to...someone who is not involved personally in what is going on. It can help them transition much easier.





I agree. Plus, some kids hold things in as to not hurt their parents' feelings.  If they know you're going through hard times they might not want to "burden" (or so they think) you with their feelings.

Mel - posted on 03/02/2009

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Yes, they should have counseling. Even if nothing seems wrong right now, it's a good idea to let them know there is someone safe to talk to...someone who is not involved personally in what is going on. It can help them transition much easier.

Bonita - posted on 03/02/2009

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Thank you Angela, I am pleased that you've written this as it has confirmed my suspicions too. We need them to understand that not all men treat women badly otherwise they'll never have a long lasting relationship

Bonita - posted on 03/02/2009

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Going through similar thing... my husband agreed to move back to SA after 12 years in UK, but needed to stay to do some 'studies' - after 3 months he come over for a visit and told the kids 2 minuted before he was due to leave that he was divorcing me. Then never called for 10 days after he returned. 2 weeks later I found out he was having an affair - which he avidly denied for the entire visit... my girls (I have 4 from ages 6 up to 14) are so confused and angry...
I am now, 5 months later, having to get counselling because their behaviour has changed so much...
will let you know if it helps!
Bonnie

Angela - posted on 03/02/2009

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Yes! I think that you should get them counseling. They need to be allowed to express their feelings with a neutral person. If they aren't allowed to "vent" they may suppress their feelings and this is not healthy. I'm speaking from experience re: counseling. My parents did not get a divorce but stuff happened in my childhood that kind of subconciously molded me into the person I became & controlled how I did things. I started counseling last year and I'm much freer now. So I believe, if you get them counseling now while they are young, they will be much happier and more well-adjusted later in life. I hope this has helped.

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