I need advice with my daughter and my husband

Holly - posted on 10/10/2011

I like Angela's ideas! Lots of other good ones, too.
I was a very good girl raised by parents who treated me like I was going to be a "bad girl" if they didn't hound me. Drove me insane...although I didn't make those choices, I've never respected the horrible way they made me feel about their fears. And I still resent the wonderful things I missed out on while they hid me from them.
My daughter's about to be 13 and my husband and I decided it was stupid to repeat the past. We agreed that boyfriend's are at 11 yrs old are silliy to adults...but, not to the tween. So we discussed what we considered inappropriate texting (ie sexting), inappropriate photos and especially the difference between what a teenage boy wants from a girl and what a grown man wants from a woman. Having "the talk" is crucial to let our daughters know that sex is great and fun...but when we don't respect ourselves nobody else will either.
I live in the county with the highest STD rate in my state and one of the highest teen pragnancy rates in the nation. (Yeah, me! 8~{ ) But, I want my daughter to know I'll be straight-up with her. I want her to enjoy being a girl. And I want her to respect herself.
She has friends that have been caught sexting. She knows our thoughts about it and the fact that the first time she were busted the her phone would meet her Daddy's hammer.
Her "boyfriends" come to our house until I get to know the Mom. IF I am comfortable, I'll let her go to dinner or a game if the Mom is going to be there the whole time. Sorry Dads...my daughter is with "Mom's only" in these cases and spending the night.
And since we actually follow-through on grounding in my house....she knows her social life will come to a screaching halt if she crosses the line.
Lord...please help us all survive!! :) Hope these ideas help.

Donna - posted on 10/09/2011

I agree with the women on here. Its time to have "the talk". Be honest about everything. If she still persists in having a boyfriend then maybe she needs to have a boyfriend with boundries. Maybe you should have your ex sit down with both of them and have the "Son, what are your intentions?" talk. That may just scare him off haha

Lisa - posted on 10/09/2011

You poor thing nothing worse than feeling pulled in every direction. Maybe you should consider some family therapy so your daughter and your husband can try to explore a relationship that works for them, consisting of respect for each other, consideration and communication, he may not be her dad but he is your husband and I assume you are all still living in the same house, they can find away to co exist together. Good luck xx

Jena - posted on 10/04/2011

Thank you soooo much everyone for your advice. I am taking it all in and will take that drive with her, very good idea I like that she has to hear me lol after reading everyone's advice I feel normal, that my parenting skills aren't bad. I have a very judgemental family. If they knew what's going on they would advise that my child needs to go to boarding school or would need therapy. Thank you everyone :)

Angela - posted on 10/04/2011

If your daughter doesn't like to listen to you talk, which that can happen at this age. Take a looooooong drive with just you and her in the car and talk about it all. If she doesn't want to talk with you, that's fine, she has no other place to go (don't allow her to have an i pod or whatever else she can stick in her ears) and be prepared with everything you want to talk about. Eventually, she'll get tired of hearing you talk and will also talk. It may be a 3 hour drive! LOL Also, if you really want to talk about the fears you have of STDs, getting pregnant, and any other teen risks (I wouldn't bring up the facebook page, just another notch against you for 'snooping') then have a folder full of papers for her to look at if she is interested. Basically, plan for this to be a teaching session that hopefully she'll respond to and talk with you about. Honestly? If she knows that you're taking the time to talk to her about this stuff, even though she'll rebel against it, it will warm her heart knowing that you care. Make sure you tell her that you love her and that you care for her. Take her hand and hold her hand, have the physical contact. Kids need it regardless of their age. Good luck!!

Eisabeth - posted on 10/04/2011

First, calm down. Do you have a friendly relatioship with your dauther? You are both woman, you may see things from her perspective and start a conversation in a way she will understand how much you care about her. Talk about your experience, share it with her to give her a chance to understand your position.

Nancy - posted on 10/01/2011

I can understand how you feel about 11 year old daughter wanting to have boyfriend, and your husband being a step-father not wanting to help. If I was you, I would sit my daughter/son down, not feeling ashamed, and be open-minded about sex, std, pregnancy, and all. Let them know that you're willing to understand how they feel, willing to help them protect themself, and willing to do whatever it takes to have them feel comfortable to talk to you about relationship and sex. As for your husband, he's the step-father, married you, knowing he should accept the fact that he is the father to the children (not real, but step), and he should be able to willing to help you with your children having them to understand about relationship and sex. I have a daughter and a son...I always talk to my kids about relationship and sex, what to expect from it, and making sure they know that I may be upset for a minute but is willing to help them protect themself.

Susanne - posted on 09/30/2011

What she says she will do on facebook and what she will do may be two different things she may just be bragging to friends. But you do need to talk to her about sex and contraception, just be open and honest dont beat around the bush give her the ugly truth about std's and pregnancy. If she wont listen to you at all have you got a family member or friend that she will listen to that can discuss it with her? Your husband needs to realise that teenagers are hard work and he cant just opt out of it hes your husband and when he married you he agreed to take on your children as well. I realise its hard for him with them not being his children Ive been there im a stepmother but he has to take a father role.

Jena - posted on 09/29/2011

I thought it was innocent too until I snooped on her facebook acct and read that she's willing to do more than hold hands and hang out. Any suggestions on how to talk to her about sex? she doesn't like anything I have to say. My daughter was diagnosed at 6yrs old with post traumatic stress disorder, we have been going threw very bad mood swings with her for all these years and I think my husband is just physically and emotionally tired. I know it's hard on him. I have been told numerous of times from my 11yr old and my 17yr old that I always do what he says and I always side with him which is the agreement I made with him before we got married but he's always telling me I don't back him. I don't know what to say or do anymore to make things easier for everyone.

Susanne - posted on 09/29/2011

Just because your daughter has a boyfriend doesnt mean its serious at that age they are just hanging out and saying hes my boyfriend i doubt they are even kissing. I think you need to sit down with her and discuss boys and sex etc. I think unless you discuss most things with your daughters real father then i wouldnt bother him for this you are the parent its up to you. Is there a reason why your husband is done with your daughter? Its very hard to be a step parent no one understands who hasnt done it.