I NEED HELP PLEASE!!!!

Rebecca - posted on 11/11/2010 ( 14 moms have responded )

62

85

6

I have an 11 year old daughter. Every night when she is told it is bedtime she acts up. Her bed time is 9PM (unless she is punished then it is earlier). Whatever time it is she always throws a fit. Then my husband starts yelling and then we start arguing. Last night I left for about 20 minutes because I couldn't stand the arguing and yelling anymore! I am so stressed out the way it is and this isn't helping it. I just don't know what to do anymore....I am at my ends wit with her....Please help woth suggestions. Thank You.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Julie - posted on 11/13/2010

376

12

52

She is 11
8:30
Sweetie It is 8:30 you need to be in bed in a half an hour.
no arguing no yelling
it is her job to do that if she isn't why are you stressing and making a battle and control thing? is she sneaking out? do poisonous snakes creep out from under her bed at nine sharp if she is not up and under the covers by then? Make it "In your room at nine no tv no phone no computer.."At 11 she is getting a lot of mileage out of this bedtime fight. simply tell her it is time to go to bed and attach a consequence to it(If you are not in your room at nine you will not get your lap top for a week) not being done and refuse to fight over it. As long as she is in her room and not wandering the streets with an oozie..bed time is nine..no computer no phone no tv no music,,no wandering the house. you can control that..you can control not engaging in a battle with her.
she wants to fight..sont give it to her

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

14 Comments

View replies by

Klara - posted on 11/19/2010

136

87

16

this is hard. First off, do u have a set bedtime routine? This might help transition her into bedtime. We send our daughter to bed at 8pm, but she can read until 830 or 9. Maybe she's not getting enough sleep, and thats why she acts up at bedtime, cuz she's tired? Maybe making bed a punishment has left it as a bad taste in her mouth? Sleep shouldn't be a reward or consequence, its just something our body needs. Does she like to read? Have her go to bed earlier and read to unwind? Start bedtime earlier if she's going to act up, for sure. Kids this age need 10 hrs. of sleep. This may help her cope better, and with all the hormones starting, we can all use all the help we can get at that age..lol Good luck!

H - posted on 11/18/2010

2

6

0

Did you try offering her a reward of some kind at the end of the week, if she does what she is supposed to do every night? I have a similar problem with my daughter but only in the morning getting ready for school. Hope this helps.

Tasika - posted on 11/17/2010

14

14

0

My girls are 11 soon to be 12 and an 8 year old. We usually calm down the night with books, soft music, or just a few minutes of coversation. Their bedtime is between 830 and 9pm and by 730, unless we are running behind for some reason, they've had their baths, brushed their teeth, and ready to settle down for the night. Right around 830/845 lights are out and they are in the bed. We have been sticking to this same routine since they were very young and I have to admit its a hard schedule to stick to especially when you have outside activities going on that cause you to run behind. But they know this routine and when we are running behind they do their best to help out and get things done. So maybe trying to find a routine with your daughter and the both of you setting that routine and sticking to it maybe would help. Just remember that setting a little routine and having consistency is the best way for your daughter. Good luck!

Christine - posted on 11/17/2010

6

10

0

Start a relaxing time before bead , watch a movie take a bath a gradual slow down and keep the rutune. Talk to your Dr about sedative for bed time my daughter had a hard time going to sleep and dr put her on benadril 20 minbefore bed simple fix but relaxed her enugf to go to sleep and cleared up her stuffy nose.9:00 is kinda a late bed time for a disable child you shuld start getting reddy for bed at 7:00 and have her in bed by 8:00. This gives he time to fall alseep and time for you and you husband to have some time alone Take her to your Dr for behaveral meds something to calm her down when she starts to wind up.We did and are so happy we did and our daughter has even told us she is happy she has her medicen to help her when she feel wound up.

Nelly - posted on 11/17/2010

270

2

17

Why don't you try 30 mins before bed to go up to her room with her spend time just talking to her about her day and at 9 say good-night that way she's already in bed

Anasi - posted on 11/16/2010

1

0

0

I agree with Laura Snow. At this age they are trying to have more control over their lives. Reaching a compromise during a family meeting will give her that sense of control. Loosen the reigns but make sure she still knows who's holding them by following through with a consequence if her side of the bargain is not met. Good luck!

Mattie - posted on 11/16/2010

27

0

6

Well, as you can see, there are several things you can do. Hopefully one of them works for you :)

When the husband starts yelling, why not simply look at him and say very calmly "Yelling obviously isn't helping. When you be calm, I will talk to you." Then ignore him until he calms down. Do it often enough sooner or later he will clue in that yelling is ineffective and will learn to talk. Otherwise, just ignore him when he yells.

Then turn to your daughter and explain why the bedtime is what it is. Then let her learn the hard way maybe. Some kids only learn when they feel the real consequences for their actions. Let her stay up as late as she wants to on a school night. Then, no matter how lousy she feels the next day, make her go to school. It took a few times but my kids clued in when they were so exhausted they couldn't think. Now, there are no arguments about bedtime. :)

Also, remember, and I think someone else mentioned this, by reacting the way you do, you both are playing into her hands. She wants to cause issues and she is. So don't give her the reaction she wants.

Good luck. Like I said, hopefully something here helps. :)

Susan - posted on 11/16/2010

10

6

2

This works in our home, we head into our bed time routine 30 mins prior to lights out. During this 30 mins the girls get their teeth brushed, glasses water, gossip what ever they need to do to finish up their day. Then lights out at 9 PM every minute after 9 PM that the light is still on I deduct 15 mins of TV/Computer/ texting whatever. It only happened a few times then they caught on. The trick is following through with the punishment. I also find staying calm not allowing myself to argue with them helps too, when I feel like I am losing it I start counting out loud they have learned that is not a good sign. Good Luck.

Joy - posted on 11/15/2010

24

26

6

Hi,you do know she is doing this because it makes you and husband fight.something I have witnessed first hand.The key is become a joint force make a firm decision with your hubby about her bed time [personaly 8.30 is my boys time and they are a bit older,they read for a bit then of to sleep],just make it a firm time and getting her to start relaxing at least an hour befor that ,reading or soft music helps.The most important is no fighting with your hubby even if it means you don't talk to each other when the time comes,hold your toung and descus it later just hold a joint forse at the time,if your hubby wont do this tell him if he lets her stay up he has to look after her with out imput from you .he will soon change his mind.Hope this helps another good thing no sweets or food after tea their energy soon goes.

Kay - posted on 11/15/2010

12

48

0

Hi my 13 yr old goes mad when I tell her to go bed at 10.30/11pm I just leave her too it now as we end up arguing espec when my hubby is working ealies up at 4pm xx

Tracy - posted on 11/14/2010

3

25

0

It's hard to give good advice when I don't know the whole situation. One thing that might help is when everyone is calm discuss with her why she is fighting you at night to go to bed and let her know how she is stressing you out and express your feelings and listen to hers. Sometimes this age group just wants some independence. If there are no other problems I'm sure the two of you can come to a respectful understanding.

Anita - posted on 11/12/2010

10

1

0

just stick with it - eventually she'll give up arguing - my daughter is 12 and she has to be in bed by 9.30 - no computer/itouch/tv after 9 - good luck

Laura - posted on 11/11/2010

781

26

150

I am needing to make some assumptions based on what you have described because there isn't really enough specifics given to understand what exactly is going on. "Acting up" and "throws a fit" are vague descriptions of her actual behavior and specific examples would be very helpful in trying to help you with suggestions. In the meantime, I will give you a very basic suggestion that might work for several different issues with the bedtime such as the actual time (9:00) itself, to perhaps some sort for "fear" about going to bed.

First of all, find a quiet time either after school or right after dinner to have a family meeting about this. Plan this a few days a head of time so everyone knows what the meeting will be about.

The meeting: Set ground rules (expectations) for everyone's behavior before the meeting starts. Everyone will take turns speaking (a "talking stick" or some object to pass from person to person is useful for this); there will be no interuptions; there will be no name calling; everyone is to use quiet voices--no yelling; and most importantly--use "I" statements when expressing oneself (no blaming others). An example of this would be something like "I feel frustrated (angry, upset, sad, etc) when bedtime expectations are not met." Everyone needs to agree to follow these rules of conduct. Like any meeting, begin by expressing the problem--bedtime arguments/tantrums. The meeting is about finding a solution to this problem. Ask your daughter to express her thoughts as to why she feels the need to argue about bedtime, following the rules of the meeting, of course. Jot down some of her feelings or reasons so that you can talk about them. Share with everyone your thoughts and feelings on the subject. Don't forget to let dad express himself as well. This approach should help get to the actual root of the problem.

Once idendified, a solution can more easily be worked out to everyone's agreement. Again, like most meetings, brainstorm options for making acceptable changes to the routine. While changing the bed time itself is an option, I personally would stick with a 9:00 timeframe; my 12 year old has this time and it allows for the appropriate amount of sleep for kids their age. What we do have is a 15 minute "grace" period and this does get used! : ) It helps cut down on everyone's stress level knowing there is a little "give" in the routine. This is just an example and you'll need ato come up with a solution that works for you and your family.

Once ideas for a solution have been given, discuss what needs to remain of the old routine and what are some new elements that can be tried. Once a plan has been created that meets everyone's satisfaction, then put it into action. Give this new routine a week or two to see how it works out. There is absolutely nothing wrong with calling another meeting to make changes for areas that don't seem to be working well! The goal is to create a new routine that everyone is comfortable with. It seems like a lengthy process but it really isn't. This allows your daughter to participate as an equal member (more or less) of the family instead of always feeling bossed around by mom and dad. We use this method of problem-solving in our family and it does work and I hope it can help your family, too. Good luck to all of you!

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms