I need some input on how to help my 10yr old son develop some social skills..

Crystal - posted on 12/18/2009 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Hi yall.. so i have a 10yr old son that is struggling horribly to fit in at school.. he's in trouble ALL the time.. just got suspended for being disrupptive. HELP i dont know what to do with him.. ive tried everything.. spnking.. grounding.. taking away ALLprivlages nothing helps!! Id be so grateful for any suggestions..
thanks a lot, Crystal

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Kym - posted on 12/30/2009

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Hi,

Coming from left field here with my thoughts - i was told my son was disruptive too in class, and that he could have ADD or ADHD. As a parent who thought teachers should not label kids so quickly, i looked into other reasons for his behaviour. It was found and diagnosed that he was dyslexic and dysgraphic and had an auditory processing disorder. When we got to the bottom of the problem, my son opened up and let us know that he always felt "dumb" as he couldn't seem to read like the other kids or keep up with the writing like he was supposed to. So if he "mucked around" it took the focus of his learning. The reason he was being disruptive was that he would rather appear "naughty" than "stupid" to his friends and teacher. Once he found out what his problems were - you've never seen such a change in a child.

However, he was/is a great kid outside of school - never really had a problem with going to people's homes, and was/is a boy scout. The only negativity that I received outside of school regarding his behaviour was that he didn't always listen properly to instructions/directions (auditory processing) that he was given.

He now reads everyday (has to, to stay on top of it otherwise he regresses) and is a lot happier. He has learnt to touch type (as it's easier and quicker than writing manually) and he let's us know if we are telling him too many instructions at once, as he can't process them (and forgets) and is doing very well at school. Anyway, just a thought for you......

Kendra - posted on 12/29/2009

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My oldest has limited social skills due to him having high functioning autism and he used to get into trouble a lot as well due to bullying, as others have stated, and just not fitting in. What I did is ask teachers who does he seem to like or who seems to like him? Then I started inviting that one boy over for the day, or the night, etc. I helped him build one friendship at a time. Sometimes just feeling like you got one person on your side is enough and being overwhelmed with the classroom situation is too hard for some kids to make that connection. Also, I would look into activities that he likes, such as sports, karate, wood working, clubs of any kind where he can meet other boys who have similar interests. Good luck!! My son has made a handful of good friends now and is doing GREAT in school. I hope yours does as well.

Astria - posted on 12/23/2009

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Dear Crystal, I have an 11yr old son and an 8 yr old son. My 11 year old is a wonderful kid, but my 8 year old is not so cooperative. What I found to be helpful is constant parent interaction with him. I mingle with other parents with kids his age for a few reasons, to show him its ok to interact with people and to take some of the pressure off of him meeting new kids his age. I am also very hands-on, helping him with homework answering awkward questions, showing him how to play card games (which is also is good for developing social and mental skills), and cooking. I also, found that limiting his sugar/caffeine intake helps him to not be as hyper or anxious. I also make frequent unscheduled visits to his school, even if its only for 30 min., just to sit in and observe for myself what's going on in the class. His teacher's and I email each other often, and I tell my son each time I talk to his teacher's. I believe in creative discipline and that doesnt mean spanking all of the time, but I set up times for my son to talk to me instead of me talking to him. I ask him what would he do if he were me and I, him and that would be his punishment for breaking the rules. Anything to make him see his wrong-doings. When you show them what its like, sometimes they get it and they will think before they do it the next time. I also point out the good - positive things he has or does, allowing him to see his strong points and appreciate himself. Best thing to do is develop very strong lines of communication with your son and those that he interact with (teacher's, relatives). You can help him once you get to the root of the problem. Remember this it takes time so be patient, your son will see it and feel it and I agree with the other posts, be the adult you have to maintain your position, don't argue with him at all. There could be numerous reasons for your son's behavior, he could be very shy, bored, afraid, low self esteem...and the list goes on. Once you figure out what's wrong, put yourself in his situation and figure out what would be the best way to handle it from his point of view and for you as a parent.

Rhonda - posted on 12/21/2009

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Most definitley find out if he's being bullied as this will cause children to act out horribly! If this isn't the case then stan your ground with your consequences! I have an 11 yo son and we've had to have the discussion about appropriate friends at school. It could be that he's being influenced by kids who are also disruptive and are inappropriate friends for your son. I know it's a difficult age and sometimes you think you're going to scream or pull your hair out! Just stand your ground about acceptable and unacceptable behavior and your son will get the message! He may lose some prviledges, be grounded or get spanked, but he will survive! He will also end up respecting you even more! God Bless you and your son!!

Karen - posted on 12/20/2009

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I would say do not take away his privelages, Make him earn them. Everyday he comes home and did not get into trouble then he can have one of the items, but he should have to earn them daily. I wonder how does he act at home? Sometimes getting kids into a structured extra activity will help, alot of times kids listen to other adults that are not their parents. Maybe a church club, boy scouts, etc. I would say not spanking, grounding, etc. Talk to him to see if there is something going on that you should kjnow about. Simply and calmly lay down the rules after you have decided what they are and leave it at that. If it doesn't help after a month or so you should reevaluate. Good luck!

Susan - posted on 12/18/2009

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Oh this one is just heart breaking. Please try to sit down and talk to him and listen. Spanking or dis-repecting him will only make him with drawn. try to talk to his teachers and see if they have noticed any thing at school. It sounds like he may be getting bullied. That is how they react when something is happening that they do not know how to handle. Also, dont take away his previages ask him if he thinks he deserves them and ask him to explain why. If he can't then dont give them to him, as he has not put up a good enough defence for having them. Then it put's the responsibility onto him and not you. He has to accept that he is responsible for not having the good things, not you for taking them away. Don't put yourself in the position of being the bad guy, when it is his actions. Above all do not argue with him. He is the child. Your the adult. ignore him when he argues. my partner says his mum used to do that to him and it worked.

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