I thought it was the Mum

Miranda - posted on 04/20/2010 ( 8 moms have responded )

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I have recently learn't that my daughter who was 9 at the time was sat down by my Ex's girlfriend and was 'explained' the details of puberty. Of course I was shocked as I had had a previous conversation with my Ex's girlfriend that this was not appropriate as my daughter was still so young , none of her friends were showing signs of puberty and either was she. But I did say should she ask me questions I would appropriately discuss it with her. These past holidays myself and the other Mums at school thought it was time appropriate as there are some of the girls peers starting to develop breasts etc. But my daughter informed me she had already had the 'chat' last year with her Dads girlfriend, that would have made her nine! I am upset about several aspects, some I can't get my Ex to understand so I will have to accept that but what I am really upset about is, now I'm concerned about why 'the girlfriend' didn't tell me! I dont know any details of the conversation she has shared. So I don't know what or how she informed my daughter of 'puberty.' I have asked my daughter who is 10 nearly 11 now what was said but she has such a beautiful soul she just said 'It's ok Mum I know all about it Sam told me but please don't be upset with her. It sounds yucky and I don't really want to talk about it' OMG. What I do know is my daughter didn't ask any questions, Sam just was sitting down with her and began chatting about it. Where do I go from here.





FOLLOW UP



Thanks everyone that has responded to my question. Since posting it I have been able to 'chat' to my daughter. Apparently my daughter made a comment about her armpits smelling after a day of playing outside with her brother, and the 'Puberty' information was divulged. No books, no literature, nothing, just Sam's take on the whole issue. I have been prepared for sometime with books even with one that has most common questions that girls aged 10 to 12 ask..

Tracey you asked if I was from the UK (?) the answer to that is no. I am Australian and have lived here for all my 38 years, and have been a Registered Nurse for the last 16 years. Communication between Sam and I has never been a problem, or so I thought. In fact when she is home alone she often pops in for a chat, and its usually her venting about her three grown up children (18, 20 & 23) that have nothing to do with her. Of which I have never asked why as I don't think its my place to ask! Which is why I am so upset, as she has had many opportunities to tell me that she has had to speak to my daughter about Puberty. Interestingly my Ex didn't know of the conversation either!!!

Anyhow, whilst I still remain upset with Sam, I will move on for the sake of my children and my own stress levels. Hopefully my Ex and Sam will see this as a blessing and never ignore my parental rights and/ or requests again.

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8 Comments

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Jennifer - posted on 04/22/2010

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For anyone who is looking for a book about EVERYTHING, I found it....It is by American girl and called the care and keeping of you. It goes thru everything....why you should keep your face and hair and body clean. That all girls are different but the same things happen to them etc......

Hanife - posted on 04/22/2010

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Hi,
It was not the place of Sam to have told her without your consent. I think if you are on talking terms confront her. As regards your daughter and yourself you can always tell her that she is always welcome to ask you questions about puberty. I think it is very important to discuss puberty at the age of 9, but start with the basics, as some girls start their periods at the age of 9 and produce alot of bodily hair and breasts, but it depends on the genetics of the individual child.My daughter is 11.5 and i have spoken about puberty,and i have been buying her panty liners as she is having discharge, and she thought that this was unusual and was worried i assured her its normal. I encourage her to ask me what ever she needs to know and it makes her feel safe.
Good luck

Jessica - posted on 04/21/2010

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you have every right to be upset as like you said this is your place. But also like you said you have no idea what this woman told your daughter, and since you can't get your daughter to tell you then I think you need to go to the source. Sit this woman down and explain to her that you know she had this talk with your daughter and would like to know what information she gave her. I wish you the best of luck

Aliska - posted on 04/21/2010

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I don't think this is so bad. I'm surprised she hasn't had the classes at school yet. The more adults that care about your child enough to be able to discuss these issues with the better as it gives your daughter more options of someone to talk to especially in the teen years when for whatever reason she decides she can't talk to you or wants another opinion. I've got two daughters, it's not unusual for them to think that sex and periods are yucky no matter how you describe the whole process. Looking at it through their eyes and level of experience, it is! Your daughter is lucky that the girlfriend seems close to her and cares about her, no-one can have too much love.

Yvonne - posted on 04/21/2010

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Hi Miranda, I empathise with you as I had a non member of my family decide without consulting me that it was time my daughter new more about the facts of life than she was ready for. I was deeply hurt at missing that special once in a life time opportunity of "mother and daughter chat." Plus I felt she was too young at the time.
She also learnt more than she should have from commercials advertising adult programs during children's T.V. time.
I have also not been able to get from her what exactly she was told, probably because it was very awkward for her. BuT I have over time since then been able to show her a more positive view of what she has seen or been told.
Be watchful of how she reacts to things or comments. Perhaps ask the occasional careful, question or maybe a "carefree' comment that may open up a small amount of conversation. You are her mum and if you are encouraging and accepting and loving and she knows it, your opinion/comments/suggestions will rank highly. We want to encourage our girls to be discerning, it helps greatly if they have confidence that trust them.
Try not to let it get to you as any ill feeling you feel toward the Ex's girlfriend will show and may cause your daughter to be more closed about other things she may say.
This won't be the first or last time someone has decided what is best for a child without fully understanding the situation. Her intentions were probably good just not well judged.
It's been years since this happened to me, I still feel some hurt, but I'm also now seeing that I didn't need to worry there are plenty of other things I have been therefore and will therefore. Like I was there when she found her 'formal' dress, why because we went out on a fun shopping day with a friend of hers. I will be there this Friday to help her dress and prepare for her formal along with another mum and a few friends.
There are many more special moments to look forward to, focus on them. :)

Tracey - posted on 04/21/2010

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The only right here is your daughter's right to be given accurate information in a calm non-threatening environment. Does it really matter if it comes from Mum, Dad, Aunty, Teacher, Nurse? It's better that way than from rumours in the school payground.

You don't know the situation when this happened, there could have been something on TV or in the newspaper about puberty or periods or maybe someone they knew was having a baby so they felt it was a good time to discuss it. Maybe Sam started early and was concerned that your daughter might as well. I work in a school and it is increasingly common for girls to develop from age 8 or 9. Girls go through a hormone surge around this age and if she was moody one weekend this could have concerned her dad who may have asked Sam to speak to her. I suspect that most men would shirk from this particular chat.

If you are concerned about what information your daughter was given there are lots of good books aimed at her age group which you could leave lying around, or you could make an appointment with your GP who will explain everything. I took my daughter to the Dr with other health problems and she asked some questions so the Dr discussed everything with her in detail.

I'm guessing from the way you spell Mum (not Mom) that your are in UK in which case your daughter will receive a talk from a school nurse in Y5/6 about boys and girls and what they go through.

Your daughter sounds mature and accepted the information without being upset (or you would have heard about it sooner)

Sounds to me like your main problem is communication (or lack of) with your Ex. If this is a one off problem there is nowhere to go from here as it happened a year ago and you can't change that, yes you are annoyed but at the end of the day there was no harm done to your child. If you are concerned about anything that may be said in the future (maybe about boyfriends, dating and sex) you need to talk with your ex and Sam and agree on what is appropriate. If you feel they will not play ball get in there first. My kids knew the basics of reproduction since they were babies and we just added more detailed information as they grew up.

It sounds like your daughter has at least 3 adults who care about her and that is the most important thing.

Reynelle - posted on 04/20/2010

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Wow, that's really messed up. You have every right to be upset and disappointed. I can only imagine that it feels a little like someone has stolen from you and your daughter. It also doesn't sound good that she thinks of any aspect of becoming a woman 'yucky', although she sounds like a lovely child to be concerned for someone else feelings. I hope you focus on helping her to see puberty as a positive experience. Now that the door has been kicked open, she will eventually have some questions for you. In the meantime, give her the words to tell other people that she doesn't want to discuss certain subjects with anyone but her parents. When mine was younger I would tell her to say "You should talk to my mom or dad about that" or "I need to ask my mom or dad if it's ok for me to discuss this with you" and I had her practice saying "I don't feel comfortable talking about this". It made it easier for her to assert herself. I too have a child that is very polite and sensitive. I love that about her spirit, but I also try to make sure that no one can take advantage, some people are really clueless and thoughtless, especially when they don't have kids of their own. I wish you well.

Kyisha - posted on 04/20/2010

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I would be so angry! You are an amazing person for not strangling the ex's girlfriend. I would. My daughter is 11 and I have only told her all the period info which she's known for a while but I am now deciding what information is appropriate to tell her. That is no ones place but yours. It sounds like she might have told her a little bit too much. Idk. I hope you find a way to get the specifics. How dare she especially after you specifically said not to. I think sometimes the girlfriends get a little confused and don't realize they are not a new mother to the children. Hope everything works out for you.

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