Is a 12 yr old boy suppose to give so much attitude?

Allison - posted on 05/03/2010 ( 36 moms have responded )

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Okay ladies.....I have a 11 almost 12 yr old boy. I have found that in the last couple of months he is really starting to give me MAJOR attitude. I am a single mother but he sees his father whenever he wants. We live close enough that we have never made him choose between us. I have talked to him about the problem, his father has talked to him but NOTHING is working. He gets really mad about anything and talks bad. He tells me what he is going to do instead of doing what I tell him to do. Don't get me wrong, he is a GREAT child, he does his chores and makes good grades. It is just he is really starting to develope an attitude that I can't deal with.

Any suggestions??

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Tanya - posted on 06/09/2011

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I really don't like the 12 year old stage, my son has major attitude! I've taken away basically everything except books but he just searches the house till he finds them (usually in my bedroom) and starts playing with them or using them again. Video games by the way are evil with our two oldest boys 10 and 12. I find the more video games they play the worse their attitude is. The boys fight in the worst possible way and I just can not handle it. Someone is always bleeding! They are told to come home after school to do chores or usually because they are grounded and they just either don't show up or they run in drop their bags and run out again. Then I find myself driving around town looking for them. I also have 5 year old twins who I need to haul around when Im out looking for the boys. Their dad works away and when he is home its a whole different story. They are scared of him so they listen. He doesn't see the problem and just tells me to get control, the problem is I physically would have to wrestle them to the ground and lock them in their rooms. Oh and I have even had my 12 year old strike at me!

Gigi - posted on 10/17/2012

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My son who's 12.5 starting giving me trouble with his mouth last year so I took all technology out of my house. I only have 2 alarm clocks and my phone in the house. I took out the cable, internet, ipod, playstation, and D S out of my home to curb his mouth and behavior. Its been 9 months now and he wishes he never acted out. I tell you what, since I done this he comes home and does his homework with no distractions. Being bore makes him read more,and he comes up to me for chats about is middle school life problems/ questions. The best punishment I found is making him walk for miles and of course you walk to. When he flips his lid, the sneakers and bottle water come out. This is not child abuse. We walk to the local library for his internet time. Its a safe way to know that your kid isn't on bad website since there block there. Now for tv show I love I go to the gym and watch them on the treamill. I even taken fast food out of our lives. You think if you take everything the child going to go crazy because there nothing left to bargin with but that not true. Doing this and sticky with it makes the boy know you mean business and it saves you money. Technology take out + walking = good kid. Just so everybody knows the grandparents have all the stuff so when he's good he can go to there house for all his stuff i took out. Everything is store there. Also I'm very close to taking his bedroom door, because I don't tolerate slaming doors. For the record if you can't get a 12 year old to listen now, its going to get worst so nip in the bud now. Im a 3rd shift production worker, i get home to make sure he goes to school, nap while hes in class and around during second shift trouble making hours. All neighbors are around to keep him in line when Im gone and I have a friend sleep over while im away during mid nite hours. Kids cant play hookie or act up in the house when your home. I scare my sons friends because I told them you act up here and I'll make sure your here doing homework everyday till bed time and your parents won't care because a adult is watching you.

Mary - posted on 05/15/2010

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I think that he is just trying to feel some sense of control, even though it is negative he feels he is in the driver's seat. The first thing you must do is not get upset/mad because then he won. You don't want to enforce his feeling. Just stay calm but maybe give a warning that a priviledge will be taken away. If he does not behave (and he probably won't) then you MUST follow thru and take away the priviledge. This is the hard part. Do not choose something that you can not follow thru with! But be firm. Kids need parents with backbone. He will know that you are a reliable and sound person who he can depend on his whole life and you love him too!!! what better girft to give you kids. Goodluck.... Mom w/ 12 year old boy, also. I get it.

Dennis De - posted on 01/25/2014

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As the single father of 2 boys, I didn't have these problems, so I must conclude that adolescence isn't the problem of the boy in large part because adolescence is not the adolescent boy's fault. The problem, in most everyone of these issues, is the idea that women (a lot of them overworked welfare moms) are incompetent to bring up boys. It's why boys, reading sexperts (are all of them female?) throw the responses down in dismay, disorder, or disgust. Not one sexpert on the net, for example, has been able to answer the endless question "am I big enough". Not one. Why? Because the female authority assumes that the male is in her service. It is no wonder that these boys come from broken homes! This question, as are most of them on this forum, about him -- not about her. Because you haven't listened to him heretofore, he's not going to tell you what it is that banding and bonding mean to him. Look at the issue of physical change, for example. A boy who is not granted privacy in childhood, cannot be expected to express modesty in adulthood; and what happens in between becomes the fault of the "caregiver" or "authority figure" or "guidance counselor" or "mom" (a|k|a "bossy boots"). Fathers work with sons, if not overridden by mom-the-goddess. None of the sturggling moms in this forum, so far as I can see, are willing to work WITH their sons. If you don't learn to work with your sons (and that means no housework which is all about you and not about him), then you'll never learn to play with your sons. With males, you get both or you get none. If you don't learn to work with your son (and that means working at things that interest him, too), you'll become the team that a good father-son relationship becomes -- so often to the horror of mom! Men in complete authority rarely have problems with boys (mine are both doctors, both happy, and both therefore successful); their neurotic/psychotic mom would have been horrified at the success. I noticed the problem in a huge corporation I worked for. Women returning to work after raising children were impossible to work with. They treated their co-workers like they treated their children -- kiss-and-slap, praise-and-condemnation, crime-and-punishment .... They brought their sick family-style life into the workplace, and eventually they had to be fired. A business (which a family is) cannot function with people throwing their weight around (and some of these women were grossly overweight!). A family is a business and that equality model means that a business is a family. One takes advantage of the abilities and interests of each member (easy from the business standpoint where we get to vet our employees) and easier yet in a family (where everybody's on the same page right from the beginning). The problem begins when we let little girls "play house". Every male can remember the "I'll play the mommy. You play the daddy -- and you go out an earn me some money right now while I make tea. No man ever forgets it, and no adolescent boy isn't struggling through it. The boy isn't the problem. The problem is with the authority figures who are obliged to give up the overbearing authority that they once had over the infant, the child, and the pre-adolescent. They think they're losing grip on the child when, in fact, they're just losing grip. Moms just don't get it. That boy never belonged to her. From inception and conception he belonged to himself. And it's time moms came to realize that boys are even less like their mothers than girls are. They've been completely different from birth. If letting go is difficult, remember that the kid's mom didn't hesitate to get rid of the father when she discovered she'd made a big mistake. Was that the kid's fault? Maybe it's time to stop blaming boys for not becoming their mothers. It's hard for moms to comprehend, but there will be people in that boy's life who will praise him for not becoming you. Shudder the thought!

Sheryl - posted on 08/27/2012

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My son is the same, this is part of their development where their brain kicks in, they are starting the process of developmental thinking and with the added hormone adjustment, we get attitude. What fascinateme is he doesnt give this attitude to his Dad, as he knows Dad is alpha dog. Its hard being a solo mum with boys this age, I have found I walk away, and he either apologises or sits and has an adult conversation, talks to his logic, challenging my logic I don't mind but he pushes this into my authority and disrespect when the attitude kicks in.

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Kelley - posted 1 day ago

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Holy Cow! Dennis you really have a case of the hate women/ex. I feel sorry for your son's because it sounds like you never had a kind word to say. How can they both be effective doctors when they grew up with that attitude? I'm not saying that all ex's are good or that all mom's or dad's for that matter are the best roll models. I agree to some degree with you that boys need to find their own way, but teaching them respect is also just as important.(even toward women) I'm just not sure what else to say about your blog! Congratulation on two son's that were able to achieve their goals. i'm sorry that you are so angry. Best of luck to you!

Kitty - posted on 03/06/2014

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I think it's natural. Usually taking away perks for an extended period of time will work. But it's important to find out the underlying reason for the behavior.. Sometimes it's that they need more quality time one on one with you & dad. It could be something is bothering him or even his diet. Look into everything before making a decision. Diet, school environment, friends, vitamin deficiencies, and lack of deep meaningful relationships can affect a kid's attitude.. Additionally, look at what type of video games, comics, shows they are looking/playing with. Family counseling may be an option as well.
I am sure everything will work out. Stay strong and do not lose hope.

Dennis De - posted on 02/19/2014

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One can't help but notice that contrary methods resulting in a heartwarming success story are overwhelming voted down by the Circle that's having so much difficulty with its boys. I'm wondering why! I certainly hope it isn't that syndrome where failure and misery are comfortable because they're so familiar! It's like the comfort food promoted in women's magazines -- that's actually killing us with sugar, salt, and fat -- a dash of flavor-of-the-month. Reproduction is a miserable metaphor for providing a home in which boys grow up. For one thing, they can't be reproduced. They aren't going to think like dad -- and sure as shootin' they ain't gonna think like mom. Home is not a Xerox machine -- and if it's a washing machine, a dryer, a dishwasher, or an ice box, men invented; not women. When you have a son or a daughter, it's not all about you anymore; it's about them. And that advice is from a mom of a president, so be careful how you thump!

Dennis De - posted on 02/01/2014

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Your name and quandary reminded me of a cousin of mine named Inez Pease, crushed to death in an elevator in Boston back in the 1880s (before they had accordion doors on them). The accident happened right in front of her father and mother. Not all perils in our world can be eliminated, not even with foresight. When a boy 'tests the boundaries', however, I get nervous. Nothing did me more good in my whole life than running away 200 miles to NYC at 12 where, in the 1950s, runaways were common and the men in the world who kept an eye out fortheir safety were everywhere. Through complete strangers (who knew a runaway from 100 paces), I got housing, a job, got fed, even got medical treatment. I didn't so much as test the boundaries as I expanded them. It was certainly preferable, even by Mom standards, to my home-life where, frankly, my life was in danger. For some black boys in the South, for intellectual boys in the North, for gay boys in the West, and for endangered boys in the East, expanding boundaries was their best chance for survival. Back in Pilgrim days, perhaps it was wise to fear the Wilderness (though many children have been saved by Dolphins, by Indians, and even Romulus and Remus were saved by a wolf. Today we live in a world that is paranoid and, thus, children are outright closeted in 2-car homes. We drive children to a school they walk to in a block or a woodlot. I'm not saying that the old days were better, but I would say that a boy who isn't allowed to face dangers, take risks, and stays home in his 'boundaries', and becomes obedient because he takes orders, is going to become either a girl (which isn't quite we planned for) or he's going to become resentful and, thus, a danger to society. The worst thing we can do is to give him the impression that he is within "safe" boundaries because mom is paranoid. She must be as risk-taking as her son. That's a major issue in women's magazines, psych journals, and sociology generally. Is a boy brought up by women going to become a woman, demanding protection, assured of safety, and bit daring to take risks? A lot of women would prefer that -- but when he suddenly busts out of his confines, they shouldn't be surprised. We have more men in rejection today than we did through the risks of WWII. Not a good sign. Never have we had a hire crime rate or more incarcerations. We need to face those issues head on. Indeed, "testing his boundaries" and "bad-mouthing authority" are the first signs of a boy who won't settle for the ones he's being penned into. He'll feel imprisoned. Boys need to be let out on their leads; that's where older males can step in with real-life experience. They know how to do it because they did it themselves, albeit straining at the leash. That's a parent's job: letting the lead out on their children until one day, surprise, they're off the leash and on their own. Unhappily, our society expects them off the leash by 18, rather than 13, because 13 is too young to die defending our way of life and would leave us defenseless. In WWII we discovered that boys can't be shoved into the Army at 17 and be boot-camp trained into fighting men. WWII soldiers were trained by their peers, not by their mothers. It was, frankly, a narrow escape.

Emilia - posted on 10/18/2013

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I would just try good old fashioned discipline with his father and hopefully you. Time outs if your still stronger than him, and if not, lost priveliges. Also, it is probably puberty. My daughter started sass ing me about as soon as she hit 10 1/2 because that was a year from when she got here period it's just the age.

Luella - posted on 07/01/2013

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I am afraid that is the way kids are these days. Unfortunately there is not an easy solution. I wish you luck in finding what works for your family soon, before he hits 16 and can say/do whatever he wants.

Alex - posted on 06/26/2013

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I have a 15 and a 13 year old boys and a 12 year old girl and younger boys, I have had the exact same problem with the boys but my daughter has been perfect ! If only I hadn't been stuck with 4 boys and 1 girl !

Beverly - posted on 03/16/2013

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Hi,

I have the same problem as you, my son's father and his father's girlfriend work against me. I have found seeking a person your child can relate to that isn't mom or dad can help.

Beatriz - posted on 11/27/2012

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My son will be 12 this coming January, he has been having this horrible attitude for the past 6 months or so, his Father and I are not together but we have a fairly "good" relationship, the only problem is that he acts like his buddy instead of a Father. What troubles me is that my son cries a lot, it seems to me that it is out of frustration. I do not let him have a Facebook account, although I have found out he has one and even if I grounded him and he promised he won't do it again he still uses it,the worst part is that his Father lets him do it! I confronted him last night and he cried his eyes out, saying that the reason he doesn't do what I tell him to is because he does not want to be like me when he grows up, as a matter of fact he doesn't want to be like anyone in the Family because we are not good role models. I took his I pod, but I don't know if I should ground him again for what he said or even let him have a Facebook account. Please help!

Yvonda - posted on 05/19/2010

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your son is in puberty...my boys are now 21 and 16 my daughter just turned 11, and I thought they would drive me insane with their attitudes, but I talked with their doctors and he said it's testosterone, its gonna be tough on you but they he will outgrow it in a few years, just be there for him and let him know that you understand that hormones feel like they will drive you crazy, my boys also went through a depression stage and my oldest son did need to talk to someone about it(a counselor) but they both turned out fine, and I'm sure you son will be fine too!!

April - posted on 05/19/2010

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I have a boy who is almost 12. He has been having some major attitude swings lately. He lives with me, but sees his father often. (His father is a very negative person.) My son is at an age where he doesn't want to talk to me about his problems very often. When he gives me attitude and grounding just doesn't cut it, I have him write an esay about what he is feeling. He doesn't have to let me read it. I have told him that he has to get those problems and feelings out one way or another, but he is not allowed to aim them at me. He always feels better after he has written in his journal. It helps him organize his thoughts and usually he ends up talking to me about the problem. I understand that this isn't something that will work for every kid, but it's very helpful in my house. Best of luck to you and your son!

Kristi - posted on 05/19/2010

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I've got a boy 13 and a girl 11 and they have both tried to give me attitude. Yes, it does come with age. They are trying to learn how much they can get away with and they are trying to show that they are grown up now and can make grown up decisions (which we parents know they cannot). What works for me is letting my kids know up front that any disrespect that they show to me or their dad will not be tolerated. Dad is gonna have to work with you on that. Sit down together and talk about what you want his consequences to be for his bad attitude Dad needs to make sure he is implementing what yall decide together as punishment at his house as well. I absolutely do not allow arguing of any kind. If I tell them to do something then they better do it. They get punished if they want to stand and argue or tell me how they are gonna do it. Once they finish what I tell them to and if they want to talk about it respectfully then I will listen. They may after all have a better way of doing it. I have several different punishments for my kids that I use. That way, It's not always the same. I like the corner, I like sending them to their rooms to sit in the center of the room to do absolutely nothing for 30 minutes or longer depending on if you have to talk to him more than once for his attitude. Take away priveleges such as computer time (except for homework), IPOD, Phone, tv, whatever his privelleges are. Make sure you stick to your guns. When he learns that you both are gonna take away his time for the disrepect he is showing you both, I bet it will slow down and be less frequent.

Alex - posted on 05/15/2010

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I have a 12 year old that I have been dealing with the same problems now for probably close to a year. You just have to be patient but at the same time firm with them. I will take away video games from my son if it gets really bad and most of the time that helps alot.

Kara - posted on 05/09/2010

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I have a 12 year old that has A.D.H.D and is also now going through the whole hormone thing and he tells us that he is 12 and we just don't like the fact that he is growing up he was also sexually molested at a young age. I don't think I like this 12 year old growing up hormone phase I sure hope it will get better

Marie - posted on 05/08/2010

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Yip sounds like those nasty hormones have killed in. I'm going through it with my newly 12 year old daughter, but at times the little girl shows through. I have sent boundaries and if she oversteps them she has to face the consequents, taking her PS 2 or i-Pod off her bla bla bla I'm sure you know the rest. I only just get her under some control then she goes to her dad's for a few days coming back with raging hormones again. I've spoken to her father so we are on the some level but I think in the end he just wants to be her best friend, making me the enemy. We'll get through it, it's just going to take a little time and patience. Just as long as they know we still love them and respect them as young adults. My thoughts are with you.

Julie - posted on 05/08/2010

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My son is almost 12. The past few months his father & I have noticed a major attitude problem. I find my self saying daily "are you asking me or telling me?" It seems respect has gone out the window. It kills me because he is such a great kid, just needs a attitude adjustment. I have taken his favorite activities away. That seems to help.

Ellen - posted on 05/07/2010

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Mace. JK!! Welcome to the age of hormonal insanity. My youngest is 16 and just entered the persistent rage phase of testosterone pumping fun. I told him it'd be over in a while, and by the time he's finally done with the raging hormones & filling out, he'll be getting payback because I'll be going into menopause. You know, that's gained me a lot of respect points after the "why did you HAVE to tell me that - that is just wrong!" As with the other responses - stick to your guns & keep the rules consistent (and as unemotional with your reactions as you can). For all 4 of my children (2 and 2) the consistent rules and consequences saved my sanity.

Tammy - posted on 05/07/2010

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I have an 11yo and 12yo and I think it is part of the age. But that doesn't give him free pass.

I started taking away extra activities for attitude issues. They also spend alot of time in their rooms. Now their rooms have only their bed and dressers. They are allowed to have their MP3 in their room but they are not allowed TV's or games of any sort.

So they can come down and be with the rest of the family when they can mind their manners and appologize for their backtalk and attitude.

Angel - posted on 05/07/2010

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Are you ar your ex dating someone else? If so, he probably feels the chances of you'll getting back together will never happen. Do you think he blames you for the breakup? What are his friends like? Any bullying or peer pressure going on at school that he's not telling you about? Find out the answer to this question and nip it in the bud as soon as possible to get him back on the right track. Talk to him and see if what you're asking him does he feel it is wrong. This is the time to build an open relationship with him and let him feel he can trust you, so be careful how you handle what you find out because kids do not like to be labeled as snitches. It can cause more problems for him. Let him feel comfortable expressing himself so he will no he can tell you anything. Hope this helps, good luck

Patty - posted on 05/06/2010

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Yes, that could be, not having a father around. I'm sure he remembers not having his father around as he was growing up and not being there like a father should be, like going to his soccer games, or going to the movies, you know things a father and son should do. He does not talk to me about his true feelings toward his father. I do believe that this could be part of the problem. I just wish he can talk to me.

Cheryl - posted on 05/06/2010

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I have a 12 year old boy also and from what I have read herethe behavior seems relatively normal,Our son was in and out of foster care befroe he came to us at age 10,so we had another set of issues to deal with,he is starting to get better and have more control,un less it is a major deal we try to ignore his behavior,and once he figures out we arent going to respond his attitude changes,If you don't mind my asking,do you think his attitude maybe in response to his father no longer living in the home??? Kids no matter how old or young don't have the best coping skills.

Patty - posted on 05/06/2010

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Thank you for words of encouragement. You are so right. I know I don't have the control but I will get that back and I will start being more severe with Anthony. I will keep you posted of the outcome. Again, thank you.

Carol Ann - posted on 05/06/2010

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Patty you need to begin taking back control of your household and family. I am having some positive success with James Lehmans "Total Transformation Program" We have a very hard headed, stubborn 12 year old son. Who started giving us "Tude" It seems from your post that Anthony can do whatever he likes whenever he wants. That needs to stop, you need to let Anthony understand that if he doesnt come home after school he doesnt get to go to his friends house. I cant understand how he gives you attitude and you go and pick him up at his friends house?? That is telling him that he can do whatever he wants and you will still be there picking him up and giving him rewards. Who is the parent here? You need to take control back into your family. If he is having issues with his Dad still living in the same house with you, that I feel needs to be addressed by a trained professional. It seems theres a reason for him not wanting to be home?? You need to get to the bottom of that. Staying out until 10pm on a school night when his school work is failing is unacceptable. Take back control and look into James Lehmans program. The best of luck to you!

Patty - posted on 05/06/2010

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I'm sorry I can't give you any suggestions because I am in the same situation as you. I am looking for suggestions and help myself. My son just turned 14 yrs old and he has been giving me the major attitude ever. He does not listen to me or obey my rules. He just wants to do what he wants to do not what I tell him to do. He lives with both his parents but he does not get along with his dad and his dad does not interfere as a father should. In other words, I am dealing with both my kids on my own. You see my relationship with his dad is a little bit complicated. His dad lives with us but we are not together. We're living together for financial reasons. Anthony my 14 year old son is always at his friend's house or out with his friends, He does not come straight home from school. He calls me around 10pm on a weeknight to pick him up at his friend's house. He is not doing well at school which I am encouraging him to do well but he doesn't seem to care. I do talk to him about what's expected out there in the streets and I know he is a smart boy and understands the consequences but I'm still afraid he will be easily influenced. . Sometimes I feel he hates me for having his dad stay at home with us. I just don't know what else to do. Please help......

Carol Ann - posted on 05/06/2010

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We have a 12 year old son and he is giving us plenty of "tude". The next time he gives you some attitude. Look him straight in the face and tell him in a non confrontational tone. "Dont speak to me like that, I dont like it" and walk away. If he continues with the tude begin taking privileges away and when he is in a calm state explain to him about his attitude and how you can help him to create a better attitude.

Allison - posted on 05/05/2010

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Thanks ladies. I figured it was just the age thing. He is very muched loved, just trying my patience...LOL!

Christy - posted on 05/05/2010

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MIne too...I think it just has to be the age...be patient and strong and loving, and just wait this one out.

Sherri - posted on 05/04/2010

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I have an 11yr old going to be 12 in Sept. and I am in the exact same boat. His teacher calls it adolescent posioning they are starting puberty and their hormones are all over the place. I was told to have a lot of extra patience and they will get through it. I am starting to see some improvement in the last few weeks but we have been in hell with him for last few months.

Tanya - posted on 05/04/2010

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It's the hormones. I am going through it with my 11 year old son. He's also testing the boundaries to find out what you will and won't let him get away with at this stage in his life. Stand your ground and remain firm when it comes to your rules for him. I think if you do this once the hormones level off you'll find you won't get as much mouth and more action.

AnnMarie - posted on 05/04/2010

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Did you know what age is most common for kids to enter foster care? 12! That is when they do have parents, but they are just rebelling. That doesn't really include those who have been abandoned and abused. But what I am saying is that the most common time we see kids in juvenile court for child in need of services, truancy etc. is around that time, because they are havinga really hard time adapting to the new levels of freedom, hormones, responsibilities and expectations of the adults around them. You hyave to be firm, but loving. I used to do foster care until I had a third child, now it would be two overwhelming for me.

Punky - posted on 05/04/2010

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wow! i got one of those boys too! well i just started taking things away until he cools down! shows some respect! look at his circle of FRIENDS!

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